Friend coming down hard on me for lack of communication

[Uhohhouse]

I have a friend with whom about 90% of our relationship is on WhatsApp as we live in opposite ends kf the country. From time to time I will drop off communication wise and only be able to manage a quick emoji response or one liner, and i think this is because I have a partner and also live with extended family: it means that I am constantly engaging with people non stop whereas she lives alone.
Last week I got a rap on the knuckles for "dropping off the radar" and I apologised for making her feel neglected. The truth was I was having a hit of an extended christmas and there was loads of family visits happening and then me and DP went on a week-long roadtrip.

I ca t help but feel resentful though. On the one hand I DONT want her to feel neglected but on the other hand I dont have this issue with any other friends.

Has anyone had something similar?

She’s needy and needs to get a life.

I think that's out of order, and I live alone! I have some friends I'm in touch with almost every day, and others I hear from once every few weeks. Everyone has their own shit going on, and I'd never get arsey with someone for not responding. Just ignore her until you have the time to message back, that's fine and most normal people understand that.

because some people hate them!

They can't multi-task so need to drop everything to stop and listen at the voice notes, which kind of defeat the point 😂

I love voice- notes but I only send them to very few people, in case people get bizarrely offended.

I even had to tell my youngest to send me notes instead of faffing typing, he hadn't even consider he could use them for his own mum - no issue with friends of course

Well, if you find communicating with her an inconvenience perhaps you could tell her you haven't got time for her.

Absolutely this.

You’ll find people will treat you how you treat them so if you find you don’t have any friends supporting you and actually there for you when you need them, you’ll know it’s because you didn’t bother to put in the effort.

Out of interest, how do you think people who live alone or don't have partners should meet their basic need for human sharing?

Should they only be friends with other people living alone? Meaning no lasting friendships as people enter relationships/change their living situation. Or just go without basic community and the day to day sharing you have?

@Branleuse
Wtf is the deal with people who think it's OK to pressure friends for constant contact?
Do you only have one friend or no other responsibilities??

I have loads of people who I feel like I'd love to speak to more often. Genuinely. I have family members as well as friends I consider close and extremely important, that I haven't spoken to properly in weeks or months and am desperate for a coffee and catch up.

But you don't need to wait to have a massive catch up. It's that day-to-day contact, little snippets about life, thoughts, jokes, whatever. The same sort of stuff you find to talk to your partner about who you see everyday! Just a sense of community, sharing life with others.

I have a dear friend who used to exchange little messages day to day. Thoughts, jokes, tiny updates. Got a partner and now seems to think every contact has to be a massive "catch up" where we each reel off a list of events in our lives since we last met. The sharing, musing, humour, and just enjoying hanging out all lost. (Fortunately they did understand when I explained and we got it back, a bit!)

It's the day to day little bits of sharing that are needed. No wonder we have a loneliness epidemic if people forget this.

I have a lot of good friends though

I feel you, OP. She is not a good friend. A good friend would understand that every person has their own preferences and habits when it comes to Whatsapp messaging. Time to get rid of this toxic person from your life. Block and move on.

There are quite a few Yabu reaponses on here, some with strong feelings. Could one of you please explain why one communication style should trump another?
the op is already compromising by sending any at all when it’s just to keep the friend happy. Why does the friend not have to compromise at all?

If your relationship is 90% WhatsApp but you don’t have time to reply to her on WhatsApp…. Then you don’t really have a relationship do you?

You dont need to mansplain living in community and sharing life with others 😅 I literally live with 4 other adults spanning ages 20 to 76: I know exactly what solidarity and sharing day to day life (in person) involves.

Living alone is a choice

I think having a partner is a very, very weak excuse for not keeping in touch with a friend.
If you wanted to, you would.
When you were on your road trip, if you were ever a passenger in the car, that would’ve been a great time to drop her a message.

I think people who expect an instant response via WhatsApp need to check themselves. Imo it’s healthy to give yourself time to reply when you have a clear head and not feel pressured to always be available to respond in the moment. It doesn’t mean you don’t care about your friend, but it does mean you don’t agree to being constantly on call for anybody who wants to demand your attention. If your mate is looking for companionship she probs needs to find someone who doesn’t have such a full plate. With my good friends I can leave messages unread for chunks of time, sometimes weeks and they don’t care and are free to do the same. Try it, it’s liberating

I never, ever listen to voice notes. I also silently and covertly judge the people that send them.

You sound like you resent your living situation.

Living alone is often not a choice. What would you like your “friend” to do. Get random flatmates so she doesn’t bother you?

This! I have a friend like you and it’s so frustrating. We don’t live close so our options to continue our friendship are either - accept we’re friends who catch up once or twice a year, or call / WhatsApp! She hates call / WhatsApp yet also appears to hate the fact o don’t turn to her or update her about things in my life on the same way. Friendships take work and if you’re not willing to spent 5 mins every 4 days on someone who is one of your good friends then they aren’t actually a good friend. And that’s fine, but acknowledge that.

Living alone is very often not a choice; I'm gobsmacked you don't realise this.

People cannot simply conjure up a decent partner out of thin air.

Nor can they conjure up likeminded friends to live with. (Hell, apparently they can't even guarantee friends who will reply to messages a couple of times a week!) Even where suitable housemates can be found, this situation is unstable as people move in with partners or move away for other reasons.

Unfortunately this sort of viewpoint, and subsequent behaviour, is what leads people to desperately seek romantic relationships, or cling to damaging relationships rather than live alone.

ETA -
You clearly don't understand the community type connection I have outlined. Or you'd understand having contact with others outside of the family you live with.

OP is getting an disgraceful pile on for no reason.
Don't cave in to shameful emotional blackmail. If you have the need to be off the grid for a few hours every day, go ahead and do it. Your friend can go fuck herself if she does not respect that.

So I went back to look st the communication pattern from the past few days and try and see objectively what the situation is.

07/01: lengthy back and forth all morning until 1pm
08/01: she asked how my evening went, I updated her
09/01: told her how my day went asked after hers
10/01: she asked for professional advice, lengthy back and forth swapping views
11/01: i sent her a meme
12/01: she asked how everything gs going, I didnt reply
17/01: she sent me a life update, I replied very warmly but briefly
19/01: i sent her a roadtrip photo and update.
She then held me to task for lack of communication and her feeling neglected

Deleted given update.

I disagree with a lot of PPs saying that if you have time to reply and say that you’re busy then you have enough time to reply properly.

Responding to a message with interest and engagement, and then offering your own interesting/insightful/amusing life update takes time and head space.

I think it’s really rude and invasive to expect immediate lengthy responses. Back in the day, we’d receive a letter, we could read it, then have a think about a response and then write it. We weren’t bullied into dropping whatever we were doing and composing quick superficial responses immediately. I also don’t care about hearing about Little Timmy forgetting his PE kit again. It’s boring.

I think if you’d put that in the OP a lot of responses would have been different.

Life's too short for needy friends. I don't entertain people like your friend, I had a few people like that in my life and I cut all of them off.

I've got so called friends who pull the whole 'I'm too busy to reply' crap. Takes 2 mins to reply to a mesaage, or to send one. As I get older I'm finding myself much less tolerant to it, and am starting to distance myself. We are all busy. You don't sound any more busy than a normal person to me from your OP.

If you value her friendship then please listen to what she is saying to you.

I think you would have had a more positive response if you hadn't said you were busy with your partner-very cringe.