Friend coming down hard on me for lack of communication

[Uhohhouse]

I have a friend with whom about 90% of our relationship is on WhatsApp as we live in opposite ends kf the country. From time to time I will drop off communication wise and only be able to manage a quick emoji response or one liner, and i think this is because I have a partner and also live with extended family: it means that I am constantly engaging with people non stop whereas she lives alone.
Last week I got a rap on the knuckles for "dropping off the radar" and I apologised for making her feel neglected. The truth was I was having a hit of an extended christmas and there was loads of family visits happening and then me and DP went on a week-long roadtrip.

I ca t help but feel resentful though. On the one hand I DONT want her to feel neglected but on the other hand I dont have this issue with any other friends.

Has anyone had something similar?

Yanbu. It’s completely dull to send text messages about life. Why does one friends desire to send boring messages trump the others desire not to?

What did the rap on the knuckles actually consist of?

"hey BFF, I am swamped with family this week.. let's have a proper catch up when they have all gone ok?"

my phone is constantly beeping and buzzing . I glance at stuff, but I don't reply immediately to everything because I am not dropping everything I am doing to typing a message every single time.

If someone has time to write that they're busy, it means they are not 😂

And sometimes I forget to reply, so what?

Some people, you can send a voice note - but others hate it, so they have to wait.
Some people are happy to use communication the way it was designed for, and are happy to receive messages at any time day or night - but if they want to stick with business hours, then again they wait.

Adults who feel neglected because not everyone has time to chit chat constantly need to get a life frankly.

Every 3-4 days feels a lot unless she's a very close friend? Or do you have form for getting in touch when it suits you, then going quiet when it doesn't?

I don't think it's down to "living alone" at all.

Some people are just needy, your friend is one. She probably would be just as needy and bored with a partner.

It is fine to be busy - day to day life is often hectic. But if you want to keep up with this friend, maybe you can put aside time in your diary once a week for an update. Like I phone my elderly mum once a week. If you take 10 minutes to put together a couple of photos and a few sentences, and then make a cup of tea and reply to her comments, that means you aren’t off the radar. But you also don’t have to carry the mental load of “must reply to Amy” the rest of the time.

sorry, but that's literally how it works? People are in touch when convenient, and less when .. they are busy?

Their contacts should do exactly the same.

It's only unreasonable when someone expects everyone to drop everything - if you dont ask a specific urgent question or are not arranging something happening in the next few hours, you message when you feel like it?

Rather than the back and forth of texting why not call her. It’s easier to set aside for 10 minutes and the be done rather than the constant on and off of texting.

I use my drive to catch up on correspondence

Wtf is the deal with people who think it's OK to pressure friends for constant contact?
Do you only have one friend or no other responsibilities??

I have loads of people who I feel like I'd love to speak to more often. Genuinely. I have family members as well as friends I consider close and extremely important, that I haven't spoken to properly in weeks or months and am desperate for a coffee and catch up.
With family responsibilities, kids, dogs, aging parents with scary health issues, work and dishes and the fckn laundry , It just doesn't happen, but I do know that when we do, it will be lovely and healing and we all get it.

Social media is brilliant for keeping up with people in a low key way, but directly having to message or call, is not just the time it takes to write the messsge. You have to actually be able to focus on it and have time for the response too.

It's not unreasonable for someone to want a constant contact bestie I guess, but surely that happens organically or not at all, and even then, I'd have thought they would maybe express that they miss me, or they'd try and organise seeing me. Not give me a telling off.

I'd rather never speak to any human ever again than have a friend that sends voice notes. Worst invention ever.

No-one can be that busy they can't find a few minutes to text a friend .

I had a friend like that once. Put up with it for a while then binned her. I HATE neediness like that.

You’ve hit nail on the head. Your friend is lonely and desperate for someone to share her day with.

Not much you can do about it other than be sympathetic and reply if you get a chance.

It’s not every 3 to 4 days though is it, you said you had an extended Christmas and then you were away. I mean every 3 to 4 days is a lot, but every 10 days isn’t much.

Sorry, OP, but this update is hilarious! “Given several people life updates” 😂

I think you are being unreasonable and the fact she lives alone makes it more unreasonable. If she wanted multiple updates a day that would be too much but three or four a week when you know she’s on her own. I think you’re being really harsh.

It would be too much for a lot of people. She’s a friend not a partner. Imagine if all of your friends wanted that level of contact, it would be exhausting, especially if you have a demanding life generally.

I’m with you, sister!

That's extreme in my books. I indeed don't have the time or the will to provide biweekly life updates to all my friends on WhatsApp... Not that any of them is asking for it anyway.

I'm curious, do people on here who criticises OP actually do that?

I don't have a huge network, but even I take my closest friends and family, that's at least 10-15 people. A few seconds X 2 conversations per week X 10 people X 4-5 back and forth responses = a lot.

Dh goes away regularly for work and even though I’ve good intentions it is really really difficult to keep in touch, same with friends in friend groups, they text as you’re driving into work/ dropping the kids off and you reply, they reply back when you’re in work and you reply a few hours later then they reply again, then you’re in the car again picking up kids. You’re telling your kids to stay off phones then they text again, you’re helping with homework doing dinner. You look like you’re not interested/ have missed loads of a conversation. Also your life is in the car go here go there clean etc etc and they want a run down but ‘I’m just mopping then off to collect first child, then get him something to eat then collect other child also drop other to work … my mum always says ‘you must have news’. Literally no. I have zero news.

To the ‘it only takes a few minutes’ people, two points
1, no, it doesn’t because it’s clear this friends level of neediness would send an immediate return

1. what about the friendly people who have hundreds of friends they’ve collected over the years and get ten similar messages a day?

If you expect your friends to put you as high on the priority list as their partner and children, you are unreasonably needy too

It's like any relationship- you either have matching ideas of what you want it to look like or you don't. If you don't are either of you willing to change or happy to compromise? If not friendship won't work.

If you don't want to be in touch every few days but she does, and presumably you also don't want to hear from her that frequently either then there’s your answer. If your phone does an alert and you think "oh no it's her" and she's brcome a chore you feel bad about then that's that. Unless it's unusual? Like if she is usually great but is having a crisis of some sort and you are willing to stick it out and help her through and then things go back to normal. But it doesn't sound like that's the case.

I actually quite like voice notes! Because I can listen and send one whilst I’m doing housework or cooking or whatever so it takes no ‘extra’ time

I think it's ok to say that you can understand how it might feel from.her point of view but then outline your perspective and to gently set some boundaries in terms of saying sometimes you won't be able to respond as quickly or in as much depth as she might like but you still really value the friendship and see it as one of your closest.. Apologising suggests you accept you did something wrong. Do you think you did do something wrong?