School say they're monitoring lateness now and I feel sick about it

[oBoltFire]

I cant stop thinking about this and feel really stupid for how upset I am but I need a reality check. At drop off this morning the teacher took me aside and said they need to “monitor lateness” because we’ve been late again today and its becoming a pattern. She wasnt horrible about it but it felt very formal and I could feel my face burning and my stomach drop. We are talking a few minutes late, not half an hour, but its happened more than it should. Mornings are honestly chaos here, I’ve got a baby who barely sleeps and needs feeding right when we should be leaving, a toddler who refuses shoes one minute and then melts down the next, no car so we walk it, and by the time we get out the door something always seems to go wrong. I know everyone has stuff going on and Im not special, but it really isnt from lack of trying or not caring. I already feel like I’m constantly failing at the school run and this just tipped me over. I cant shake the feeling they think I’m unreliable or neglectful or just not bothered, which couldnt be further from the truth. Sorry this is long, Im just replaying it over and over in my head and feeling sick with shame about it.

Am I overreacting to the word monitoring or is this actually serious? Does this lead to letters or fines or worse if it carries on? Has anyone else had this conversation with school and it came to nothing once things improved, or should I be genuinely worried about this now? I feel ridiculous for how anxious I am but I also cant tell if I should be taking this as a massive warning sign or not.

Try not to get stressed! I imagine that it is a pattern and they just want to nip it in the bud. So you need to have a think about you can make the mornings work better for you. Do you get everything ready the night before? Can you start to get ready to leave earlier? Can the baby have a banana or something in the buggy?

Solidarity, t’s crappy when you are trying to do so much and it doesn’t easily fall into place. It will come to nothing once this phase is over, and they will have seen it 100 times. They haven’t put anything in writing, you could check the schools website for their attendance policy- the school will be under pressure to improve their attendance too.
Have you got any ideas what you could do? Are the older 2 children walking and the baby is in a pram? Does the middle one absolutely need shoes if it’s in the pram? Could the baby be in a sling? I hate slings, but it might be a way of streamlining the whole process.

Oof I feel this - been there! You don't mention the school child causing any problems - if that's right then you're already nailing half the battle, because at this point they're the only one who has to be fed/dressed/presentable 🤣 as PPs, the others don't need shoes, they don't need breakfast, just shove 'em in a double buggy with a banana each and off we go!

How late are you?
I believe they do it for all late shows, not that they believe you are neglectful. The could offer up some support and advice if it’s an issue you are struggling with.

Would leaving earlier be an option at all or are you stuck with certain timings etc?
Sympathy here OP, I find getting out the door the most stressful time and also do the walk to nursery and throw in weather changes and all sorts and it’s tough going.
I have just had to train my brain into thinking we need to leave ten minutes earlier than we actually do and so far it’s making the mornings a lot better

Schools need to monitor things like this as it could be part of a bigger picture e.g late to school, wearing dirty clothes, not having a drink or snack etc all might indicate early help is needed.

I think you know that you are repeatedly late so as others have suggested can you look at ways to manage it. Leaving earlier than you need to could be one idea.

I know youre probably all right and I do need to take a breath about it, it just really knocked me because it feels like Im constantly on the back foot at the moment. We do try and get stuff ready the night before but then the baby is up half the night and Im running on fumes by morning so everything feels harder than it should. The school one is actually fine most mornings, its more the juggling of the other two and timing feeds that seems to derail us. I think I need to be more ruthless about what actually matters and stop trying to make everyone ready and fed and calm before we leave, because clearly that isnt working. I might try leaving earlier and just accepting we’ll stand around near school for a bit if we get there too soon rather than always cutting it fine. Reading that this is likely about nipping it in the bud rather than them thinking the worst does help, even if my stomach is still in knots about it. I really dont want to be that parent they have their eye on but I also know this is a phase and Im not always going to have a baby and a toddler in tow.

Does the school know about your family? Certainly at ours they would have cut you a little slack.

I feel for you op. Tiny baby and managing the school run with 2 kids is rough. Try waking up 20min earlier and get there earlier instead. The kids might still have the tantrum etc but it will be a new earlier time

The trick is to convince yourself that you MUST get there 10 to 15 minutes before you actually need to be there.

That was what I did when mine were in primary. Doors were open between 8:35 and 8:45am. I had 8:30am as my “time I must be there”.

We were “late” pretty much every bloody day because someone always needed a poo or lost a shoe or couldn’t find their book bag or was having a tantrum about my lack of ability to make Weetabix triangular.

So I was stressed on the way to school every day.

But that meant we got there at 8:37am which actually was just fine.

Sorry but everyone else manages it. Leave earlier, it’s not difficult.

If it's a few minutes late each time, that's promising because that in itself is kind of regular.

So if you regularly get up earlier and leave earlier, you should be on time.

When I used to walk back from the school in the mornings, I'd often see exactly the same families at 9.05am when school started at 9am.

I couldn't fathom how they could be so regularly late.

I mean you could set your watch by them.

So, the discussion they have it, “we’ve noticed you’re struggling to get in in time, how are you doing, is there anything we can do to support you”

You don’t go straight in with “we’re all watching you….”

It's not going to come to anything but im a big believer in starting the day right for children, and going forward it potentially teaches your child that tardiness is acceptable.

Im sure you do all of this but in case any of it helps, these things work for me!
-always get up and sort myself before the kids get up

• sort drinks and lunch boxes (where possible) the night before
• bags packed and strapped onto pushchair the night before

-keys clipped onto pushchair (else I always misplaced them in the morning!)

• clothes out for everyone ready (although nothing wrong with just chucking a coat and blanket on the littles!)
• make sure the kids are up by a set time
• simple breakfasts- toast, fresh fruit, yoghurt etc
• take easy 'snack breakfasts' to tide over the little ones- eg banana, yoghurt pouches etc

-have pushchair set up ready to go by the door -leave with more time than you need so plan wake up accordingly

Hope you get there on time next time 🙂

Forgot to say - very very occasionally we did get there for 8:30am (it happened at least twice in 10 years! 😂) which meant I got to hang around looking smug with all the early arrival parents. It was most gratifying!

Everyone else does NOT manage it. Don’t be so bloody glib.

Everything @icallshade said!

I set an alarm on my phone to go off 15 minutes before we need to leave to get DD to preschool. That’s the “drop everything, shoes on” alarm because in my head “we only need shoes and coats, it’s a 2 minute job” but it always ends up being 10.

I also have a bag for life carabiner clipped to the pram and anything I haven’t got time to juggle gets chucked in that and dealt with at the other end, eg water bottle, jumper they say they don’t want but you know they will later.

Also you’ll just get into a routine then the baby’s pattern will shift and you’ll be on the back foot again 🙃. Good luck!

If you are only a few minutes late, could you start your day 15 minutes earlier to take some of the pressure off?

It's difficult with children at that age, but it does get easier.

It’s hard, even with contingency built in, especially when there are things you can’t control e.g. one of them needing a poo/having a poonani.

I knew there would be some tough love replies and I probably do need to hear them even if they sting a bit. I dont think the school really knows much about our situation beyond what they see at the gate, Ive never actually sat down and explained that Ive got a baby who still feeds all night and a toddler in tow as well, so maybe I should stop assuming they know and expecting slack without saying anything. The regularly late point is a fair one too, its not chaotic late its predictable late which is probably why its been flagged. I think Ive let myself believe being a few minutes late doesnt really matter and clearly to them it does. I am going to try the mindset shift of needing to be there earlier than we actually do, even if that means standing around for a bit and feeling daft, because feeling sick with anxiety is worse. I do bristle at the idea that everyone else manages it, because it doesnt feel that simple when youre in it, but I also dont want to teach my child that lateness is ok. I need to own this rather than just panic about it. Im hoping once I get into a different routine this will blow over and I can stop feeling like Ive got a spotlight on me every morning.

I’m a November baby and my brother had just started school two months earlier, my sister was 20 months old. My mum says she had to push me screaming in the pram every day and get looks from other parents because otherwise she wouldn’t have got out of the house.

It will get easier, but I would prioritise getting to school on time for a while to avoid the stress of further comments (although I think school should cut you some slack!)

A shoeless toddler raging at the world from a very securely fastened buggy (add reins and clip those onto it at well) and a baby either in a sling or in the second part of a dual/tandem buggy whilst in the school playground for ten minutes is absolutely fine. Stick socks and an extra blanket in the hood so that when the raging fades or cold toes focus their mind somewhat, you can put them on, leaving your school age child to enjoy walking and talking to you or running off to meet their friends.

In addition, feeding the baby slightly earlier to get out of the door sooner will really help.

It’s because it shows that you are struggling with normal everyday tasks, which is often a sign of neglect so they are just doing their job.

It’s not your eldest(?) child’s fault you kept having more, you need to meet their needs too

Try not to worry, but you do really need to try and get to school on time. It’s horrible for children to be late for school all the time. For the children themselves I mean.

but they don’t, do they? Some people don’t even take their children to school if it doesn’t suit them.

hope you’re having fun spreading your joy to the world!

OP - you’re doing your best. Now they’ve raised it (and could have been a bit gentler), you can figure out how to cut corners.

ask yourself ‘how can I get eldest to school on time in anyway way possible whilst keeping the rest of us alive?’!

and think of as many ways possible, from friends, getting there in PJs (you and babies, not them!), breakfast club, partner, etc.

might not be pretty but I bet you can do it 💕💕

(and remember - one day, these kids will be picking YOU up.. I promise, it will happen 💕💕)