School say they're monitoring lateness now and I feel sick about it

[oBoltFire]

I cant stop thinking about this and feel really stupid for how upset I am but I need a reality check. At drop off this morning the teacher took me aside and said they need to “monitor lateness” because we’ve been late again today and its becoming a pattern. She wasnt horrible about it but it felt very formal and I could feel my face burning and my stomach drop. We are talking a few minutes late, not half an hour, but its happened more than it should. Mornings are honestly chaos here, I’ve got a baby who barely sleeps and needs feeding right when we should be leaving, a toddler who refuses shoes one minute and then melts down the next, no car so we walk it, and by the time we get out the door something always seems to go wrong. I know everyone has stuff going on and Im not special, but it really isnt from lack of trying or not caring. I already feel like I’m constantly failing at the school run and this just tipped me over. I cant shake the feeling they think I’m unreliable or neglectful or just not bothered, which couldnt be further from the truth. Sorry this is long, Im just replaying it over and over in my head and feeling sick with shame about it.

Am I overreacting to the word monitoring or is this actually serious? Does this lead to letters or fines or worse if it carries on? Has anyone else had this conversation with school and it came to nothing once things improved, or should I be genuinely worried about this now? I feel ridiculous for how anxious I am but I also cant tell if I should be taking this as a massive warning sign or not.

Many moons ago when I had a toddler, newborn and school age I used to stick newborn in sling, toddler in a pram suit in a buggy, quite often with a breakfast to eat, some Cheerios or bread sticks or fruit and eldest was up, fed dressed and ready to go. It meant that the only one I needed to get ready properly was the school age the other 2 could get ready after I got back. Toddler was well trained that it was buggy too school but could walk home if they wanted, baby wanted feeding endlessly so I quite often tried to offer a feed just before we needed to leave then just pray we made it to school and back. The school had a sort of "soft launch" to the school day so children should arrive by 8:45 but the gates weren't locked/register wasn't taken til 9am so I felt like I had a little wiggle room.

Perhaps a double buggy would be faster? I imagine the toddler messing about is not helping?

It sounds like you've been trying to time it so you get there dead on time and aren't waiting around with two little ones 'looking like a lemon'. It's understandable but I think you're just going to have to bite the bullet and aim to get there 10 minutes earlier. It's really important that your eldest gets to school on time.

Are you suffering with social anxiety OP? Maybe you could do with a visit to the dr?

It sounds like you have anxiety about being there too early. In several of your posts you mention leaving it so you aren't there too soon or standing around like a lemon. Is this the bigger issue that's going on?

That you feel more put out by having to wait outside a little bit than you are about disrupting everyone else with your lateness is incredibly telling.

Can you get a double buggy off marketplace or eBay?

I was one of the habitually late kids, it’s an awful feeling and stays with you forever from my experience, so it’s worth trying to get it sorted and into a relatively foolproof routine.
I appreciate it can be difficult with younger kids to take on the school run.

As a teacher I can say that I highly doubt that it is being ‘officially’ monitored but maybe it’s causing a little disruption when children are coming in late so it’s been suggested to have a word with parents.

If you met the teacher at the door and she said it then that means registers have not been done yet. A teacher would not go into class and do the register but pop out to let late students in - not in any school I have worked in. Once the doors close , and you have to take your child in then that’s when they will maybe get a late mark because it will be reception who mark them in. If the teacher hasn’t yet completed the register then it still wouldn’t be officially late. I have never managed to complete my register within a few minutes of the bell going . So from the sounds of it , your child won’t be marked late so it won’t even be on record . I personally ( although have been out of mainstream school now for 2 years ) don’t know any registration system where a teacher actually puts a late mark - it’s usually just an absent or present - then saved and that’s it. They usually need to be done by a certain time - so it’s only if the reception staff decide to put a late mark before registers have been sent or the teacher has sent the register within minutes of the bell.

I will say though - and I know you’re trying , and it’s hard , I’m a mother myself I understand- but lateness is sometimes even more disruptive than absence if it’s a lateness when work has started. In an absence you know what work needs to be caught up ( although still annoying don’t get me wrong lol ) but with lateness the pupil is still expected to Complete the work but have probably missed the input which makes it harder for them

This used to be us, because I experience time blindness to the point we go from being 20 minutes early to 10 minutes late and I don't even understand how.
My baby also liked to feed at school run time, and didn't sleep well either so I do really understand this.
My mental health wasn't the best which meant tackling the lateness was quite overwhelming at the time.
Teachers then started making comments to each other that my DC overheard.
I changed my babies routine a little once out of the newborn stage, and offered a feed a little early so we'd be done before school run. If DC refused then I dealt with the screaming or grumpy baby in the pram.
I set alarms on my phone every 10 minutes in the morning, and I've now created a routine so I know what point we should be at by that time.
I also tell myself we need to leave by a set time, however that time is with a 15 minute buffer so we aren't actually late. It does feel a bit like a military operation in my head though!

If your toddler isn't in a pushchair but baby is, get a buggy board if you don't already have one.

Im going to push everything earlier even if it means standing around looking like a lemon, because the stress of this hanging over me is worse.

I am sorry but if that was your main reason for being late, that's not reasonable. How do you think other parents manage? Unless you live literally 2mn walk bang in front of the school, you can't time your arrival to the second, and of course it involves a few minutes for contingencies.

It means you arrive a bit early, when the school doesn't let the children early on the playground, some do and maybe smile or even say hi to a couple of parents. Big deal, they're having the same issue and juggling their own kids!

When you say “standing around like a lemon” what do you mean by this? Is it that you don’t want to interact with others on the school run, because I’d imagine there are other parents there 10 mins early just milling about.

Loads of good tips on here to be more organised, i need to follow all of them.

I woukdnt worry too much. What do you think this "monitoring", could result in?

For what its worth, ive been monitoring my weight for many years and it hasnt reduced and ive taken no action.

Be kind to yourself, you are getting your child in every day and they are healthy and well cared for.

Yes to the double buggy idea - a second hand double 360 nipper was cheap and life saving for me. I could move so much faster with the baby and toddler both strapped in. (Was also a godsend for if they both needed to nap or be kept under control in public!). Can your eldest scoot?

I don’t know how long your walk is, so maybe this wouldn’t help so much. Ours was 10-12 min at my pace pushing buggy or 25-30 min at small child walking pace!

It’s worth making the effort if you can. My kids are at university now. But occasionally they will comment that it was nice that they were never late for school or last to be collected, and their consent forms etc were always done and they had the right kit. I didn’t know they appreciated it at the time, but they said it was stressful for the kids whose lives weren’t organised.

We both worked full time and had to leave the house by 0715 since they were seven months old. It was hellish at times but worth the planning I think.

I don’t meant to sound smug at all. Sorry if I do. Just thar this stuff can matter to children.

This comment used to drive me insane when my two were in Primary. Usually from the head, who was in fact childless and didn’t have the foggiest idea how difficult it is to get a young family out the door before 8.30am!

A few minutes late all adds up. It disrupts the class from starting. Lots of people have multiple children, yes it’s stressful but you need to try and arrive early.

My child's school has a 15 minute drop off window, I just aimed for the start of that each day and it gave me 15mins wiggle room but also eliminated the waiting around that you seem to be worried about - does your child's school not have that? The thing that really makes a difference is prepping the night before and having a set time when we need to leave, even if theyre mid eating and ive not brushed my hair, its tough we have to leave at that point!
Do you have a partner OP? Could they help with anything even if its getting breakfast prepped etc

Rightly or wrongly the school day has to be very structured to ensure that all the teaching that the government demands is done is done. If school starts at say 8.50, then probably by 8.55 definately by 9.00, coats will be off, bags put away, kids will be at their tables for the first task and the tasks will have been explained. If that's when your child turns up, the teacher will have to go through all that with your child separately which will take them away from supporting the rest of the students with actually doing the task. If you are more than a minute late, you are causing hassle for the teacher. Get there on time!

A part of it is that lessons really do start immediately in a lot of schools. Where I work, the children who are 5/10 minutes late everyday miss most of the phonics lesson teacher input and it really does impact their learning. I am sure the school are seeing it through this lense, not in a 'checking up on you' way. The days of longer registration periods are gone as there is just so much to cover and children are much more motivated in the mornings so teachers really have to make the most of every minute.

All of a sudden it will all fall into place and you will find your rhythm but it is just hard to get a consistent routine going with a toddler and baby.

There are in my house

We have issues getting out of the house on time. I pack bags the night before before as well as get the uniform out.
breakfast is fairly instant such as a brioche or fruit. Sometimes eaten on the way in. I aim to leave 10 mins before we need to. We rarely do but we’re not late anymore.
I also have a timetable and if eating breakfast is taking too long they have to stop and get dressed, if they get dressed quick enough they can go back to eating breakfast.
And it can all go perfectly until we’ve got 5mins to go before we leave and then it all goes wrong. But that extra 10 mins does help.
I would consider a double buggy you’ll be able to walk faster and make up a few list minutes. We’ve been known to jog!

It would be a good idea to talk to someone at school (home/school liaison, pastoral lead or H/T) about your situation. They may be able to offer support but they won't if they don't know you need it.
Is there a Walking Bus that could pick up your oldest child and take them to school, leaving you at home to sort out the others? That would remove a lot of the stress and mean that you could concentrate on getting the oldest DC ready to leave on time.

Massive solidarity @oBoltFire! That all sounds completely normal.

Teachers these days just talk in these kind of management-y buzzwords. Anyone can get into the profession, which means that it's a very mixed bag. They are badly paid and overworked and love a power trip. "Monitoring" indeed!

I'm guessing your child is at primary? Primary is better than secondary, which is where the real authoritarianism kicks in. So take it easy, ignore the crazy rubbish they spout and enjoy the relative sanity while you can! (And congratulations on your baby!)

They might tell you off as it's disruptive for children to be late often but I have sympathy for you. It sounds like a difficult phase and you'll get through the other side before you know it. Just apologise and try not to think about the school.

Lots of people have multiple children, yes it’s stressful but you need to try and arrive early.

Actually I doubt there are that many people with a reception child, toddler, non sleeping baby AND no OH help in the mornings. There will be a few in this position yes, and they may also struggle to be on time for a few months. Many may struggle worse than the OP, I think she’s doing pretty well actually.

OP I suspect some of the less sympathetic posters have never had a baby who doesn’t sleep. Or if they did they have wiped it from their memory. It makes everything ten times harder.