School say they're monitoring lateness now and I feel sick about it

[oBoltFire]

I cant stop thinking about this and feel really stupid for how upset I am but I need a reality check. At drop off this morning the teacher took me aside and said they need to “monitor lateness” because we’ve been late again today and its becoming a pattern. She wasnt horrible about it but it felt very formal and I could feel my face burning and my stomach drop. We are talking a few minutes late, not half an hour, but its happened more than it should. Mornings are honestly chaos here, I’ve got a baby who barely sleeps and needs feeding right when we should be leaving, a toddler who refuses shoes one minute and then melts down the next, no car so we walk it, and by the time we get out the door something always seems to go wrong. I know everyone has stuff going on and Im not special, but it really isnt from lack of trying or not caring. I already feel like I’m constantly failing at the school run and this just tipped me over. I cant shake the feeling they think I’m unreliable or neglectful or just not bothered, which couldnt be further from the truth. Sorry this is long, Im just replaying it over and over in my head and feeling sick with shame about it.

Am I overreacting to the word monitoring or is this actually serious? Does this lead to letters or fines or worse if it carries on? Has anyone else had this conversation with school and it came to nothing once things improved, or should I be genuinely worried about this now? I feel ridiculous for how anxious I am but I also cant tell if I should be taking this as a massive warning sign or not.

If you are often a few minutes late - you need to aim to get there ten minutes earlier - as I think you have realised

everyone know babies don’t sleep and toddlers can be difficult , you don’t need special allowances for normal life

Oh goodness do tell the school that you have a small non sleeping baby and toddler and mornings are tough! They will know that the situation will likely get easier in a month or two. For sure take some of the steps suggested if they are feasible but I really wouldn’t stress about this right now.

((HUG))

Sometimes life is tricky!

Nothing bad will come of it - SS aren't going to rock up & take your kids. The school isn't going to expel your child. Not sure what else you're worried about, but you need to stop, because nothing bad will happen.

However, as you have said yourself, you do need to get your child to school on time. This is for your child's benefit (it's horrible being 'the late kid', to stop the disruption to the rest if the class (it's not fair in the other kids or the staff ( t's disruptive whether it's 5 minutes or 50) AND. Importantly for YOU. You don't need the stress either.

I know it's hard when you're up with the baby in the night, but getting up 15 minutes earlier will make a huge difference and won't make any difference to how tired you are.

Feed the baby earlier & if they won't take it they'll have to wait until you get another opportunity to feed them, they'll soon get used to the routine.

the toddler, can have something in the buggy if they need to, toast, banana etc.

it won't last forever, but you do need to prioritise getting your eldest to school on time. As well as not disrupting everyone else, you need to be teaching them that it's important.

set your alarm earlier for tomorrow 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼the baby sleeps better tonight 🤗

My son's school tried that with me. We are often half an hour late but he is autistic with an ehcp and a sister on the autism pathway at secondary school who I struggle to get to school so my mornings are sheer hell (and a baby and we live 9 miles away from school). They soon stopped giving me grief when it became apparent I was struggling so badly. Just explain things to the school they should support you rather than penalise

Think teacher was just giving you the heads up so you are aware. The baby and toddler do not need to be ready for the day, just the school goer. Go straight home , calm things down and get ready at your own pace . Baby old enough to have something in its hand in buggy ? Wellies will do for toddler . Thinking it doesnt matter isn't working in this school. Don't feel bad it happens a lot , mornings can be horrendous with small kids . Solidarity.💐

OP sorry to ask again but is it very late you are or a few minutes late but it’s every day?

it sounds like you have a proper morning juggle @oBoltFire can your partner help out a bit more with getting the kids ready? Or even stay with the toddler while you do the school run (and go to work after that, or whatever)?

OP it's telling that you are only now considering 'accepting we'll stand around near school for a bit if we get there too soon' - this is what you should have been aiming for all along, not always aiming to be getting there just in the nick of time. That's what being 'on time' really means - allowing not just 'enough' time but more than enough

In my experience this attitude is really common in people who are late all the time, they don't enjoy waiting around so try and avoid it and end up late as a result, but it's actually rude. It means whoever you are meeting (in this case, the class teacher) is made to hang around waiting for you when they should not have to.

Well this isn't true. Many families are late, which is why schools do stuff about it.

I have been there. Having to get DD2 to preschool for 9am in a different town (that made sense because my mum lives there and did most of the drops and pick ups when I am working) after DS was born was not always smooth sailing. He would always demand feeding just as we needed to leave so I would try and pre-empt it or get there mega early to feed him there. There were days where it just didn’t happen on time. Luckily, the staff were always so lovely and understanding.

I have definitely had to learn to get as much ready as possible the night before. Lunches are all made and in the fridge. Our kids wake up early so we usually have a good 2 hours to get them all ready. The older two need to be dressed, toileted and had breakfast before they play with anything. It does get easier.

I find getting places on time hard.

Often the school age child is the only one who is fed and dressed for the school run.

I am always dressed but usually not fed. I eat when I get home.

Toddler is usually fed but not dressed. Just has a jumper and coat over pjs.

We run to school most days but we are always just about on time.

Somedays I forget things but the school always manage. Anything really important I drop off later. I think you’re right OP that you maybe need to lower your standards about what mornings look like.

I do sympathise, im sure most do who have two or more children, school.runs with a newborn in tow are horrendous.

Ive never been late tho. Im either painfully early or just a bit early, that way, if things go wrong (as they tend to) there is wiggle room.

The baby will get older but it wont get easier (sorry!) You will always be juggling things, managing minor or major disasters all whilst trying to get small people and yourself out of the house. If you tell yourself you need to be there 20 minutes before you do, you give yourself that wiggle room.

I find I have spent all of motherhood so far rushed. This is the common denominator. I accept it rather than resist it then it doesnt seem as bad. As your children get older yoy will be busier, rushing them to clubs etc its just manic. Better to get a handle on it now.

And now, time for some tough love.
Im a teacher. You are doing your child a disservice by getting them there late. They are missing a crucial start to the day routine that may make them unsettled and disrupt their learning and others. As a one off, once a year, yeah ok, but clearly this is regular enough for the teacher to pull you up on it.
No, the dont do it mildly. And no they aren't a jobs body. Clearly the lateness is impacting your child, the class and the teacher enough to raise it.
Think also how your child might feel going in late and the mindset they take into class.

It is a bloody struggle. Weve all been there, but there are ways to do it and not be regulary late 👍

It IS incredibly difficult in your position, but still I think you need to find a strategy to make it work. I’d just aim to be there at an earlier time than necessary. If you need to be there by 8.45, plan to be there at 8.30. That way, even if something does happen and you run late, you’ll still be on time. But you have to be strict with yourself, don’t spend more time in the morning because ‘it’s actually 8.45 I have to be there’.

Another suggestion is to change all your clocks or timers to 15 minutes fast. So you will think that you will arrive late, but in theory you should arrive early !

Timers and false deadlines are your friend here. (Set your home clocks 10/15 minutes later than the actual time). Make sure your school aged child has a set time for teeth brushed, shoes & coat on etc: everything by the door the night before so as you can literally just grab and go.

Get more organised and you will feel much less stressed I promise. (Your child will also benefit from not being continuously late) I also have to schedule twice the amount of time I think something will take (especially walking with kids)

try that for a week and if it works maintain. (And give yourself a treat!)

Good luck. It will come good if you just get a handle on it. 💐

But they haven't. They have said they are monitoring attendance, so keeping it factual.

If the OP is having trouble getting to school on time then perhaps she could say to them she is struggling with 3 young children. The school can't change the attendance mark, but could help with other agencies or within school itself if whether she needs someone to help with routines at home or even own welfare.

Does your school have a set time to be in? As we have a soft approach where gates are open for 10 mins for children to arrive any time within that timeframe. Older children read/change books during this time and younger ones have settling activities. If your child is late each day then they might be missing these parts of the school day.

Children need to be in school on time there are no excuses for constant lateness

Also there may be pressure on the school.
We know we are due OFSTED and despite all the chat about it being better, everything we’ve heard from those who’ve done it say it is harder and far more draconian.
We’ve had an advisor in and he has told us that turning a blind eye to lateness will massively count against us.
We have one family for example who are routinely late. 3 kids, 2 have SEN (and are in alternative provision). We have the NT child but we know their mornings are tough. We’ve been advised that we may need to start fining. We are all appalled by this idea - they are doing their best in very stressful circumstances but if it affects our OFSTED then we may have no choice.

Agree with all of this

OP well done for even making it out the house pre 9am! I feel your pain, that chasing your tail feeling is so strong when they’re little and their sleep/poo schedule is utter chaos

the “prep the night before” advice is well meaning but it’s very difficult to achieve this when come 6pm you’re already half dead and still need to do bedtime

Talk to the school and explain your situation but in the meantime give yourself a break and don’t be so hard on yourself. It’ll get better and life will be more manageable before you know it xx

but they do?

Even if it means going for 8:15 instead of 8:30 (so if you are late, you are not late...) there's no reason why you can't just start " a few minutes" earlier and be on time? How do people manage to catch train/ planes and so on?

It's not fair on the kids.

It's always the same people who are late, because they are more casual with time, which is why they generally don't get any sympathy.

Reading through these is a bit of a rollercoaster honestly. Some of it really helped and some of it made me want to throw my phone across the room but I know thats probably because Im already on edge. To answer a few things that keep coming up, we have a single buggy and my toddler either walks or goes on the buggy board depending on her mood (which is… variable). Baby is in the buggy, I dont get on with slings at all, Ive tried and it just adds another layer of stress for me. We arent massively late, its usually 3 to 7 minutes but I can see now that every day is the issue, not the amount. I dont think Im neglecting my kids by any stretch and that comment really hit a nerve, but I also get that school have to look at patterns and tick boxes and they dont know whats going on unless I tell them. I probably have been aiming for just in time because waiting around feels unbearable when everyones already fractious, but clearly that mindset is part of the problem. Partner cant help in the mornings because hes already at work, so its on me to make this work and I need to stop pretending it will magically get easier without changing anything. Im going to push everything earlier even if it means standing around looking like a lemon, because the stress of this hanging over me is worse. I still feel a bit sick about it all but Im trying to take the practical bits on board and block out the judgementy stuff. I really dont want my child being the late one, and I dont want to dread the school run this much either.

One one side, posters on MN pretend that kids are all up in bed by 6pm and up by 5 am (they're not 😂)

but make it sound like 8am is outrageously early and impossible to achieve. It's a weird way to look at it.

Its just really disruptive having kids coming in late. Takes longer to start ect.

I have 3 with less than two years between each. Younger two literally got nappy change and a snack then shoved into the double buggy in snowsuits to get the oldest to school. Then sorted them out properly once home. Always left a good 10 mins extra when going to the school.

If you’re consistently a few minutes late then the easy fix is to shift the whole routine forward by 15 mins.

Your school child is missing the first few mins of many days… that’s not ok and it does matter. You’re lucky that they appear to be a good coper, but maybe school are seeing negative effects. As they get older they’ll definitely notice always being late, missing time with their friends, not having the time to settle or hear the morning notices etc. They didn’t choose to have multiple siblings so yeah, I think you do need to do better. It doesn’t sound like you’re working so you don’t have that juggle to manage on top, can just wear casual clothes etc.

What time do you get up and what’s the usual routine?

What could school do? Genuine question.