School say they're monitoring lateness now and I feel sick about it

[oBoltFire]

I cant stop thinking about this and feel really stupid for how upset I am but I need a reality check. At drop off this morning the teacher took me aside and said they need to “monitor lateness” because we’ve been late again today and its becoming a pattern. She wasnt horrible about it but it felt very formal and I could feel my face burning and my stomach drop. We are talking a few minutes late, not half an hour, but its happened more than it should. Mornings are honestly chaos here, I’ve got a baby who barely sleeps and needs feeding right when we should be leaving, a toddler who refuses shoes one minute and then melts down the next, no car so we walk it, and by the time we get out the door something always seems to go wrong. I know everyone has stuff going on and Im not special, but it really isnt from lack of trying or not caring. I already feel like I’m constantly failing at the school run and this just tipped me over. I cant shake the feeling they think I’m unreliable or neglectful or just not bothered, which couldnt be further from the truth. Sorry this is long, Im just replaying it over and over in my head and feeling sick with shame about it.

Am I overreacting to the word monitoring or is this actually serious? Does this lead to letters or fines or worse if it carries on? Has anyone else had this conversation with school and it came to nothing once things improved, or should I be genuinely worried about this now? I feel ridiculous for how anxious I am but I also cant tell if I should be taking this as a massive warning sign or not.

OP you say your partner is already at work but I think he really needs to step up here

When I had a toddler and school age (you deserve a medal for adding a baby in the mix) my DH prepped all the things the night before: school bag packed, shoes laid out, checked weather and got out any hats/gloves etc

As they were both up early anyway he got them both up and dressed before going into work.

They were dressed 45 mins before they needed to be but it meant I only had the pain of getting them out the door and delivered to nursery/school.

I think he needs to step up here where he can

The standard solutions apply

lay everything out the night before

get up a bit earlier

always aim to arrive 15 minutes early. You should always plan a buffer. Every parent has multiple crappy days. Only the ones who use buffers don’t have children with frequent late days.

How old is the toddler? Could you get a cheap double buggy off Ebay so you can bung them both in it? I loved my ebay out n about when mine were tiny. Agree with someone above about just sticking the two little ones in snowsuits over their PJs. If no time for breakfast give them a banana/toast to munch on the way. Kitchen clock set ten mins fast. I even used to set an alarm at one point to remind me we needed to leave. If toddler is older more like 3 you could bribe with scooter or going a 'fun way' if you leave on time. It gets easier just hang in there- and prioritise leaving by X time. You can chill with the babies after 9am!

OP, I really feel this and and I think you’ve had some needlessly unkind comments in and amongst the more supportive ones! I just wanted to say, not sleeping at night is AWFUL. Some people might have forgotten how bad it is even to be up once or twice a night let alone for hours. And in my experience tiredness makes anxiety a lot worse. Particularly thoughts which follow this pattern: “Has something I’ve done in the past (ie being a couple of mins late to school) going to cause terrible consequences in the future?” So maybe lateness is an issue, maybe it’s not, but I find a tired anxious mind doesn’t really care about factual reality, it’s just looking for anything to cling to, so it can be anxious about something! And when you do start getting some full nights’ sleep, everything will seem brighter. Wishing you the best, and whether it’s lateness or something else, we have ALL struggled at some point.

But other parents are, by definition, not childless, most have more than 2 and .. they manage, because they have to. It's not optional to be on time.

Again, it's always the same ones who are consistently late. Everybody can have the occasional disaster, but there's absolutely no excuse for being consistently late, it's a choice.

Most teachers have children, many TA have children. How would you feel if the school was opening late because the staff is late, because they had to deal with their own primary school kids - who are often in different school, it's sadly rare for teachers to teach in their catchment and have kids in the same school.

Hey OP. So I would say your ‘feeling sick’ and anxiety about it is because it feels out of control. There is nothing you can do about what has already happened but gain control by making a clear list of what will help in the morning and what you want to change. Then feel proud of you do some of those things - learn from what wasn’t possible and adjust and go again. Concentrate your energy on fine tuning your plan. You can do this!

Explain your situation to the teacher. They might be able to help you in the mornings. Having 3 children to get ready in the morning is difficult so they should be sympathetic to you 💐

I had an emcs and then 4 days later, my first born started reception. Ohhhh some mornings were bloody hard. I didn't drive and needed to catch the bus. DS was a very hard baby, had severe separation anxiety and cried and cried and cried. I remember kneeling on the grass by the entrance to the school after getting dd in just on time. I had to change a horrific poonami and then just sat there BFing because DS was inconsolable. I think I probably cried too.

I made it my mantra that dd had to get to school on time and some days, I just cut every corner. DS was sometimes still in his sleeping bag, people on the bus occasionally had to hold him while I sorted DD's bookbag which had been shoved haphazardly in the changing bag to deal with later. I BF in the playground, didn't shower some mornings, did DD's hair on the bus. I was surviving and once I'd recovered from surgery and DS became less horrifically angry at the world and everybody in it, I found routines and it ended up seamless. But until that point, I just had to accept that it was a lot of firefighting with DD's school start being non-negotiable.

You'll find you aren't standing there looking like a lemon, you'll be stood amongst all the other parents who arrived in good time, the kids will probably relax and feel happier being on time, most children don't like being late as it's embarrassing having to walk in late after everyone else.

I don’t think OP meant this at all. She was just emphasising the new time she plans to get to the school gates.

From the school's perspective the problem is that if you miss registration it counts as absence which impacts both your child's unauthorised absence rate and also the school's absence rate which Ofsted monitors. I'm sure that on a human level they are very sympathetic, but their hands are tied by the system.

A few ideas you could try:

• if baby is BF could you master BFing in a sling on the go? Your local sling library or an online one could help you master this. Alternatively would just being snuggly in the sling distract baby from a feed for long enough to do the school run?

• all in ones for baby and toddler mean they don't need to get out their PJs. Just bung the all in ones over their PJs and sort them out when you get home

• what about a toddler/preschooler sling? I carried mine until about 4.5 when needed. That way there's no shoe battle and toddler may enjoy the close attention and therefore cooperate more.

• banana or similar to distract toddler in the buggy and they can always have more breakfast when they get back.

• absolutely everything laid out and ready the day before down to the last detail

• make the walk fun if you can e.g. by signing songs or making up installments of a story. I appreciate it's probably the last thing you feel like doing, but if you can make it more positive they might cooperate more. Also allows you to say "come on Ben, pop your shoes on so I have time to tell you about how the firefighters saved the cow" or whatever

As long as eldest is fed and dressed the rest can be sorted later.

But clearly everyone else doesn't manage it.

Plenty of people missing trains and planes too!

I do sympathies with you @oBoltFire it doesn't sound easy.
I remember growing up and my Mum late every single day and she was pulled aside and told that me and my twin turning up late to school every day was disrupting lessons. It was so embarrassing.
My friends Mum had a baby, a toddler and 3 under 10yrs old and managed to turn up every day on time she was amazing.
I hope the school can support you and things get easier for you xx

We lay everything out the night before right by the door. We have various Alexa alarms for different tasks and we have a 30 minute buffer in case of hold ups en route. We've never been late! Just shift everything forward and you'll be fine x

I get the stress of the chaotic morning is hard, but being worried about being “early” and having to hang around will make you feel daft is just odd! a) they’ll probably be other parents there but b) why would it feel daft to be early?!

How late are we talking? We have 10 mins grace from when the bell goes to the gates closing and having to be admitted via the school office.

Unhelpful to hear, but no-one made you have three children. You have certain responsibilities and getting your child to school on time is one of them - for their good and for the other children in the classroom who are there and ready to learn on time.

I probably have been aiming for just in time because waiting around feels unbearable when everyones already fractious, but clearly that mindset is part of the problem

How has it taken a teacher to pull you up on being late for you to realise that?

My mum was constantly late. She still is.
My own kids are never late for school as I still remember how it made me feel as a child.

I've noticed my mum seems to have some sort of time blindness, and doesn't seem to feel anxiety about the consequences of being late unless someone metaphorically hits her over the head with it.

I always schedule my arrivals so that in theory I'd arrive anywhere 10/15 minutes early.

When my eldest was a non sleeping small person I was a childminder and delivered lots of children to school everyday. It is about being very organised, setting lots of alarms, and leaving early.

What is it about being stood around for a few minutes if you're early that's worrying you? We are often early for school and other places. We just chat. It's not a big deal. If there's a baby or toddler fussing just see to them, no one will bat an eyelid.

Also, go with a double buggy for the short term. Make it a rule they go in the buggy on the way to school. If they want to they can walk home.

Have you considered volunteering with the Samaritans?

How old is your school attending child? Just checking it isn’t the toddler because no child is required to attend school on time until the term after they turn 5 but school nurseries sometimes pretend this isn’t true (or are genuinely ignorant of this fact)!

I’m actually laughing at all the holier than thou responses — your child turning up to school a few minutes late means nothing, it says nothing about your parenting, character, and is unlikely to actually affect your child’s learning unless they’re very late, very often. Schools are under ridiculous pressure from government to monitor attendance and that includes lateness so part of sending your child to a state school unfortunately means you agree to play by their (silly) attendance rules. This means you do need to find a way to get them there on time as the school won’t let this go even if they privately think that it’s silly. However, please hold your head high and realise it’s not a reflection of you at all.

ETA: I’ve just seen you have three so I realise it’s not the toddler! Anyway, if by chance it’s a reception child you still aren’t required to send them on time (or at all) until the term after they turn 5.

Where is your husband/partner in all of this? Do you get any relief for some unbroken sleep?

Hugs OP sounds like you are juggling a lot and it's really hard.

As another who frequently falls into being late I agree that mindset is the most important thing. You have to get comfortable with the idea of arriving early. Do as another poster suggested and decide you must be there 15 mins early.

If you can make that a habit you will feel calmer. Best of luck

and a teacher turning to school a few minutes late is ok with you?

Meaning parents have to wait until the teacher (and TA and everyone) finally arrives?

JESUS.

@oBoltFireI have one kid. ONE. He’s 6. School run can also be a bit chaotic over here (early drop off window and neurodivergence).

You are properly in the trenches here and it’s really tough. Perspective’s helpful here too: your school age kid will not end up in prison because of a couple of lates at primary.

I am afraid I don’t have the experience/expertise to advise how to juggle it all; others who have done similar can help there. BUT know that you’ve got your hands really full here, it’s hard and it’s not just you who feels that. You’re a stronger woman than I by a country mile.

💪

Why are you so convinced you would be waiting around the school gates if you were early? And if so, what’s wrong with that? It’s not like you would be wasting your time waiting around seeing as that’s the time you’re usually rushing to school.

Most schools expect drop off within a ten minutes time frame. If you’re only a couple of minutes late each time, a couple of minutes early would get you within that time frame. There would be no waiting.

I also take a baby on the school run. It’s about making sure bags, coats and snacks are ready the night before and most importantly, getting ready to leave at least ten minutes before you actually need to leave.