School say they're monitoring lateness now and I feel sick about it

[oBoltFire]

I cant stop thinking about this and feel really stupid for how upset I am but I need a reality check. At drop off this morning the teacher took me aside and said they need to “monitor lateness” because we’ve been late again today and its becoming a pattern. She wasnt horrible about it but it felt very formal and I could feel my face burning and my stomach drop. We are talking a few minutes late, not half an hour, but its happened more than it should. Mornings are honestly chaos here, I’ve got a baby who barely sleeps and needs feeding right when we should be leaving, a toddler who refuses shoes one minute and then melts down the next, no car so we walk it, and by the time we get out the door something always seems to go wrong. I know everyone has stuff going on and Im not special, but it really isnt from lack of trying or not caring. I already feel like I’m constantly failing at the school run and this just tipped me over. I cant shake the feeling they think I’m unreliable or neglectful or just not bothered, which couldnt be further from the truth. Sorry this is long, Im just replaying it over and over in my head and feeling sick with shame about it.

Am I overreacting to the word monitoring or is this actually serious? Does this lead to letters or fines or worse if it carries on? Has anyone else had this conversation with school and it came to nothing once things improved, or should I be genuinely worried about this now? I feel ridiculous for how anxious I am but I also cant tell if I should be taking this as a massive warning sign or not.

Is this for real?! 😂

I know what you mean about how hard it is standing around at the school gate if you're early.

I used to struggle with that because I felt unwell if I stood there for too long. The doctor said it was anxiety, but I figured out after many years that it was actually cold. If I wore double trousers, standing around at the gate was more bearable, though never really pleasant tbh.

You're doing an amazing job there. Give yourself a big pat on the back for having managed to produce three kids in the first place and doing all those night feeds. That's absolutely amazing work.

Some questions to hopefully help:

Are you a single mum? If not what is DP’s morning routine? How involved are they?
How far is the school? (Minutes to walk)
Does toddler go to nursery at all/are there extra drops?
How old is toddler (is it worth investomt in a doubly buggy? Yes if they’re only just turning to 2, no if they’re knocking on 4)

Oh OP that sounds so tough. My DD is too young for school and not old enough for free nursery hours yet, but I wanted to say that when I and two of my siblings were in infant school, we were always running late! I appreciate it was probably different in the nineties but honestly it wasn't the end of the world and I'm sure they would've monitored it but nothing bad happened and we all went on to be bright, educated, functional adults.
I'll add that I was referred to early help by a midwife because my toddler got upset in the appointment and wanted (breast) feeding for comfort, when early help did a home visit it transpired that the midwife had said that my DH and I needed help with weaning her (she's been on three meals plus snacks for months) and a bunch of extra stuff (check our finances, ability to cope, etc). I think professionals are probably taught to draw worst-case scenario conclusions from tiny snapshots of family life, especially with missed opportunities for intervention like the Baby P case having led to tragedy.

Gosh yes, I am lucky and mine were good sleepers but I have worked with a few colleagues who have had a primary aged child and toddlers who don't sleep, yet have managed to drop at nursery, drop at breakfast club and then get themselves into work despite having been up throughout the night because of one child.

I think the OP needs to identify what the issues are, as I do think it is anxiety, and then speak to the school for help. The suggestions of breakfast club and the partner dropping off sound like a good idea to investigate. Or if it is anxiety, then having a member of staff meet the child at the gate for a handover (this is unlikely to be a long term solution but something we generally do for some children if they are anxious about coming in).

It's hard. When I was on mat leave with the twins we were late a lot to nursery. What I would say is that my nursery going child hated being late. I did get into a rhythm but it took a wee while.

@oBoltFire id wait untill you have got yourself together. then address it and ask the teacher if you can speak with her .
Tell her your son can’t be rushed and you understand the importance of time keeping and not upsetting the way of the class. However rushing your child and upsetting everyone won’t do any good and won’t get the best from him on a school day. So while
you will continue to try and be on time some days it may not always be realistic .

Stand your ground .

Leave earlier, drop your eldest off, and feed your baby in the car. I used to do this every day when my youngest was first born. Unril youngest was about four she was literally lifted out of bed, bunged in a snowsuit or coat and then straight into her car seat. There's absolutely no need to get the others washed and dressed for the school run. It just wastes precious time.

you don't have to rush the child, just start getting ready earlier?

As a former teacher, it is unsettling both for your own child and the other children in the class if one child is persistently late.

YABU OP. Stop worrying about being monitored for something you are doing wrong, and get your child to school on time.

I am not a punctual person. My mother was late everywhere she ever went, so I come by it honestly. But my DH is the opposite, we have 7 DC, and I work a job with days full of meetings that also requires me to travel frequently, so I've had to force myself to learn how not to be late. I also remember how it felt to always be the late kid or last one to be picked up and don't want that for my kids.

I do think it's important that your oldest is not frequently made late (or left waiting) because of their siblings and other things they can't control. It's really not fair to them. And yes, tardiness does make a difference in a classroom. But ultimately it will also reduce your stress to find a way to not be running late every morning.

Yes to leaving much earlier - I'd suggest 15 minutes. That is absolutely the number one tip - plan to be early everywhere. Bring a tablet or phone with a short video option for your toddler that doesn't come out until you're at the school gates and goes away after school opens to incentivize things if needed. There's something in my head that makes the idea of planning to wait feel inefficient and wasteful, but the reality is that a 5-10 minute wait outside wherever I need to be is infinitely better than trying to frantically rush somewhere with young kids.

Write down both an evening and morning routine and checklist for everyone. What can be done at night? What morning things can actually wait until after the school run? What are the absolute bare minimum things that have to happen to get out the door at the right time even if both the toddler and baby are still melting down and in pyjamas? What things could your DH do at night and in the morning before he leaves? Make a night and morning routine chart for your toddler with pictures, and one for your older child.

Sorry but if not rushing means they are late, this could be more upsetting to the child. Yes they get the nice slow start, but the panic when they do arrive and find others already doing the activities and they don't know what is going on is very unsettling.

I had one child who was late once and I had to sit with them and read a story to calm them as they were so distraught they had arrived late and had to go in through the office.

I work in a primary school. One of the reasons why we monitor lateness is because of how it impacts on the children. Late arrivals often start their day on the back foot . They don’t get to have a quick catch up with their friends before lining up on the playground, they might miss announcements at registration or be snuck into the back of assembly.
I’m not saying this to try and guilt trip anyone but I frequently see the regular late arrivals starting their day at a bit of a disadvantage. Everyone has the odd day when things don’t go right but (and I’ve been there with my own 3 DC) it’s worth being as prepared as possible.

Your replies are very focused on yourself - you feel sick, you’ll be ‘standing round like a lemon’ etc. I think you need to take a moment and think about your school-aged child here. It’s not just that being late is a bad start to the school day, it’s not just about modelling behaviour, being late is a real source of stress for many children. Standing out in that way is not enjoyable. Forget your feelings - it is not ok to do that to your child. You need to lift your game for them, not for the school.

The solution is absolutely leaving earlier and ‘standing round like a lemon’.

I'm curious. Do you feel a lot better for making this dick comment to someone who is clearly struggling? Do you?

What’s your DH/partner doing to help get everything prepped the night before?

And agree - if you wait until everyone is calm and settled before you leave, you’ll invariably come unstuck. I did school drop off with screaming baby/toddler frequently - I just had to zone it out, knowing that shortly they’d have my full attention when school drop off was done and dusted

Toddler on a buggy board would stress me out, as it leaves no option for when they refuse to cooperate. A cheap second hand double buggy might be a godsend even for a few months. Toddler can eat their breakfast in the buggy, which would distract them. You, toddler and baby could all sleep in jogging bottoms. Wellies and coats in the morning, get ready for the day when you come home. Good luck, it's a genuinely stressful stage.

I agree with this. My best friend as a kid was always late (it was part of a bigger picture with a chaotic home life) and she was always missing the start of stuff, missing the first few minutes of assembly, she was in tears arriving to a school trip once as they were late as usual and she was worried they would have left without her. It can be really impactful on children to continually be ‘other’ in this way, always coming in when stuff has started, the lesson having to be paused while they sit down and catch up, etc.

You have been given lots of amazing advice. Something that I did when mine were little was to encourage them to be as independent as possible. So getting dressed, eating, ensuring everything is in their bag all makes a huge difference.

I had 4 3 and under and I only ever cared that the ones in school were dressed and fed. I would also set my alarm 20 minutes earlier and top up feed and change the baby before waking the kids up.

I also found giving the toddler a job made things go more smoothly. So can you get mummy the babies coat. Then lots of praise, having jobs makes them feel special. I would also ensure that I had snacks in the baby bag for waiting around or walking home. Myntoddler loved being in the playground and playing with all the other kids and you can use that as encouragement to leave. "If we aren't quick we are going to miss little Dave!

Kids really don't like being late even if they can't articulate this yet. It really does set them off on the wrong foot.

I know it might be hard for you but whether you're being monitored or not what message do you want to send to your child? What sort of society do you think we're going to live in in 10/20 years when so many kids are seemingly incapable of managing the basics of attending school? It only seems to be getting worse so where does that leave us? Because chances are kids who aren't taught work ethics or resilience at school aren't going to suddenly wake up capable of functioning in adult employment.

Not read all the replies, but what time does Dad start work? Could you utilise breakfast club for your school aged child?

Your doing your eldest a massive disservice

Ooofff I feel you, some mornings my 2 up up and ready and will have a great breakfast before we do the school run, but most mornings, the younger one goes to the toilet, has a slice of toast or a banana and we leave for the school run with her still in her pyjamas, but the older one will be properly ready with full breakfast etc. then we come back and I sort her out.

Is it you managing all the kids yourself in the morning? Do you have a partner that helps?

Aren’t you a smug delight