School say they're monitoring lateness now and I feel sick about it

[oBoltFire]

I cant stop thinking about this and feel really stupid for how upset I am but I need a reality check. At drop off this morning the teacher took me aside and said they need to “monitor lateness” because we’ve been late again today and its becoming a pattern. She wasnt horrible about it but it felt very formal and I could feel my face burning and my stomach drop. We are talking a few minutes late, not half an hour, but its happened more than it should. Mornings are honestly chaos here, I’ve got a baby who barely sleeps and needs feeding right when we should be leaving, a toddler who refuses shoes one minute and then melts down the next, no car so we walk it, and by the time we get out the door something always seems to go wrong. I know everyone has stuff going on and Im not special, but it really isnt from lack of trying or not caring. I already feel like I’m constantly failing at the school run and this just tipped me over. I cant shake the feeling they think I’m unreliable or neglectful or just not bothered, which couldnt be further from the truth. Sorry this is long, Im just replaying it over and over in my head and feeling sick with shame about it.

Am I overreacting to the word monitoring or is this actually serious? Does this lead to letters or fines or worse if it carries on? Has anyone else had this conversation with school and it came to nothing once things improved, or should I be genuinely worried about this now? I feel ridiculous for how anxious I am but I also cant tell if I should be taking this as a massive warning sign or not.

At my kids school, although the gates are open 8:40-8:50, really they want them in at 8:40, they do 5 a day maths and other things in this ten minutes and probably psychologically get them all ready. Maybe worth seeing if that's the case at yours.

I thought all schools monitor lateness? If you late it's recorded in the register every time. Lateness is disruptive. I can't imagine the Teacher who probably had to get their own kids to breakfast club at a different school an hour before will have too much sympathy.

Set your alarm for a bit earlier.

Have you a partner who can help? Sorry if that’s been mentioned. Even if he has to take the child to breakfast club before work.

Sorry you’ve had a few snooty replies from the Little Miss Perfects round here. That’s not what you need right now!

I had 3 kids 3 and under so know what it’s like. I’m now a master of prepping every single little thing than can possibly be prepped in advance and mornings are quite calm.

Even 30 second jobs like filling water bottles and putting them into school bags - it only takes 30 seconds, until
you have a crying baby and the toddler’s socks are scratchy and the school kid remembers they need to take an empty jam jar and and and.

Get everything ready for everyone - shoes, coats, hats, bags lined up at the door, outfits laid out including underwear, socks. Keep a second set of hairbrushes, toothbrushes etc downstairs - much easier than wrangling them back upstairs to brush their teeth with a baby in tow. All these little things need doing anyway but if you do them the night before you save so much time!

How long are you allowing to get everyone ready? Baby fed, kids fed breakfast, dressed etc? Maybe set your alarm 15-20 mins earlier and aim to get to school 15 mins early, then if you’re running late, you’re not late late. Now you’re aware that school do mind, hopefully that will help. I hate lateness so with 3 kids and working, I prioritised getting as much ready the night before as possible. Lunches done, uniform out and ready including shoes, so not looking for things. It is stressful, but lateness impacts on others and some people are very blaze about being late and it can get frustrating for others. Good luck.

No reason your partner can’t step up and help. What about a breakfast club? Could child go there once or twice a week and your partner drop off on way to work? I’ve been doing the school run for over 2 decades due to large age gap and it is very frustrating when it just becomes one parents issue.

Get everything ready the night before. It helps.

I was the child who was always 3-7 minutes late and it was sooo stressful and due to my Mum's lack of organisation. She woke us up too late, didn't hurry us along, and then someone always remembered they didn't have their PE kit/ where are the keys/ my left shoe is wet from yesterday/I haven't brushed my teeth/the baby needs feeding/I've lost my sock...
Even when I had a baby and a 2 year old, I was always on time, everywhere. You just work backwards - what time do you need to walk out the door? What time does that mean "shoes on"? Add extra time for feeding baby and an extra 10mins for convincing a fickle toddler to get a move on. Just start everything earlier, including setting an alarm for 10mins earlier and drumming into yourself that you absolutely have to be walking out of the door 10mins earlier. I do that every single day because ineviteably my kids do always need the bathroom, or they've forgotten something, or they "just need to finish this"... and if nothing goes wrong, it just means we can walk to school more slowly and relax along the way.

It's not hard, you're regularly late by 3-7 mins so you just push it all back by 10mins and problem solved.

Ahh OP mornings are SO hard! I am a primary school teacher and a parent, so can see this from both sides.

Firstly, do you have a partner who can help? My DH sets everything up for the kids’ breakfast before he goes to work (he leaves at 7.15am on office days). He also does their drink bottles, and puts out the hairbrush and detangler spray. The night before, we put their bags and uniforms on one of the living room sofas. As much as is possible, everything is done the night before.

I completely get the morning rush. It is utter chaos. I feel my blood pressure rising every morning when I do the school run. However, schools do record lateness. I agree with this, as a few mins each day then adds up to a few hours, and before you know it, they have missed the equivalent of hours of school. At my school, we record the number of minutes late, and offer support if/when a pattern emerges.

What you all need to do is get up 15 mins earlier if is becoming a consistent pattern of lateness. I know the baby doesn’t sleep much, but if the lack of sleep is having such an impact, perhaps seek help/support for this so the mornings are less tricky. I hear you though. It’s hard!

Sorry but if this was your job and there were repercussions because you were late every day or that you’d get a warning or sacked you’d sort yourself out.
people don’t take the start of school seriously- so much happens in the 1st half hour of school .
what if the teacher was late every day would that be ok?
there once was a lady who lived in shoe, she had so many children she didn’t know .,

Er, no, but this is obviously a completely different situation so I’m not sure where you’re going there…

Your job as a parent is to get them to school on time. We’ve all had babies/toddlers/babies to wrangle in the mornings.

Get up earlier. Be more organised. It’s not just about arriving on time, it’s also formulating good habits and respect.

The school is right to monitor this.

I'm a TA in a primary school, and every day its always the same kids coming in late ..whilst it's understood that these things happen once in a while, how would you feel if the teacher was consistently late and your children couldn't go into school until they arrived, or you couldn't speak to the teacher about an issue? Believe it or not, some teachers and school staff also have 3 kids and manage to get them to nursery/grandparents or whatever before starting their own working day. It just wouldn't wash if they were always late and they would lose their job.
Also from another point of view, we use a certain phonics scheme all throughout the school, and children go into their groups at 8.55. (The gates open at 8.40) My group is in one of the high traffic areas and the children's learning is so disrupted with all of the children who are arriving late (not the whole school, just the ones who have to go past us to get to their class), not to mention the children who are supposed to be in my group who arrive late and have missed half the lesson! Quite often when children are late you can see they feel very exposed walking into an ongoing lesson and this can upset them and make them feel self conscious. It might only be a few minutes to you but it massively impacts the running of the school- there's not enough hours in the day to cram everything in as it is!

Yes the school will be sympathetic with one or two instances, we're not savages, and like I say, most of us are parents ourselves! If you're going straight home after the school run, why don't you just leave the baby in their pj's, (I used to do this when my daughter was a baby and I took her to work with me and got her dressed there, I had to leave the house at 6.15, private nursery) and anything else that you think can wait, and just concentrate on getting out of the door.

If you're really struggling, please talk to the pastoral team, they obviously know you better and will be better placed to give you some advice xx

might try leaving earlier and just accepting we’ll stand around near school for a bit if we get there too soon

Standing round for 2/3 minutes whilst waiting for the door to open is what most people do-that's less stressful than a mad rush.

Can you prep as much as possible the night before (reading, lunchboxes, uniform laid out), set your alarm 15 minutes earlier and then don't worry too much how clean and dressed any of your small (not yet at school!) people are!

Our school did a drive to crack down on lateness but they did take the time to explain why it's important and actually, it did made me think about it and make more effort to be there for when the doors first open not always last minute like we used to be. Being in as promptly as possible gave DS those few extra minutes to get his stuff hung up and get settled and it meant he then engaged better with the first part of the day as the teacher wasn't having to rush him along. From the teachers point of view it helps them keep to their time table and start the first lesson on time as these days there really isn't much wriggle room so children trickling in a few mins late can impact the whole morning.

But I totally understand how difficult mornings are and I would urge you not to take it as a personal criticism, more just something the school as a whole are trying to improve on.

What helped us save those vital few minutes was having as much prepped and ready the night before, uniforms all laid out. Breakfast things out the night before and ready to go. Bags, shoes and coats ready by the door. And crucially, no TV before school as this just led to them needing more nagging and delaying getting going as much as they could.

Good luck OP, it will get easier! Everything is so hard when you're shattered!

Can you afford for your child to go to breakfast club and partner drop them off before work? It's tough in the mornings with a new born, your spinning a lot of plates. It won't be forever though.

I'm a teacher and I can magine other teachers just saying it fornally without thinking. They probably got spoken to and told to mention to any parents who are late that they're monitoring lateness. They are required to monitor as of course even a few minutes a day does add up.

I know this wouldn’t be for everyone (and probably not your baby), but when my kids were young we lived by alarms. Alarm to get up, alarm to get dressed, alarm to be eating breakfast, alarm to brush teeth, alarm to put shoes and coat on. I know it might sound a bit mad but we left on the leaving alarm every day. They were used to it and we did used to joke about it (but it worked!).

I won't repeat all the advice you've been given, but just wanted to add I think when you know you 'can' be late, it makes it easier to just sort those extra things that crop up before leaving. A different scenareo but I wonder how you manage with public transport as someone without a car? I am also a non driver and all my outings are planned around (infrequent) bus times - I've often had to leave the house with kids crying, toddler/baby hungry ect. But we just have to go, so we do and I sort things out after.

Reading your posts, it doesn't necessarily sound like you're disorganised, it sounds like you've been leaving everything to the last possible minute because you don't, as you put it, want to stand around looking like a lemon. Why do you feel like that would happen if you got there early? Surely there's going to be lots of other parents hanging around too? Or have you got a touch of social anxiety and the other parents are the ones you're trying to avoid?

Try to reframe it. Rather than thinking you'll be standing around like a lemon, think that you can use that time to compose yourself, have a rest after the walk and get anything sorted that you hadn't been able to sort at home. It's also a chance for your child to catch up with his friends before starting the school day.

Dear @oBoltFire

Mine are grown up and I had a 3.5 year gap. I still remember how fucking hard it was.

I got everything ready the night before. Uniform and undies set out. Changing bag, book bag, PE bag on the buggy.

The baby was fed at 6ish (after usually an horrendous night and given a clean nappy at about 7.30ish). Left in babygrow. DS had breakfast in his pyjamas, watching Tots TV. Then I dressed him round the TV and then washed his face and hands and cleaned teeth in the utility. Put baby in a warm jacket and tucked into pram. DS had to put his shoes and coat on.

>>whispers<< many, many mornings I put my boots on over my pyjamas, and buttoned up a long coat. Hair shoved into a slide rather than a pony tail.

Left at 8.30 on the dot, school started at 8.55. DS always had a run around in the playground for 10/15 and looked forward to that little play. Once dd was toddling she played with the other toddlers and made friends ready for reception.

Is your toddler at nursery yet? Do you get any breaks? Some mornings I got home, made tea and cuddled the baby and did bugger all else.

I cannot begin to imagine how hard it is with three but it did get better with spring.

Flowers and hugs

As a teacher (SLT) and a mum of a baby and 5 year old (currently on mat leave) it makes me sad to read this. The school will not be judging you in the way you think they are. We have to monitor attendance and punctuality and I do think it matters…The children really do start learning as soon as the day starts and for children coming in even a few minutes late, it can be difficult for them to settle, especially as they haven’t had those few minutes on the playground before school starts to chat to their friends. However, if a parent told us they were struggling, we would want to support in any way we could, perhaps even offering breakfast club so your husband could drop off?! Even on a temporary basis. I’m not saying your child’s school would do this but if you’re feeling so anxious, perhaps speak to them. I’m sure they wouldn’t want you feeling that way.

As a parent, I feel like we are going to be late every morning because I tell myself school starts 15mins earlier than it does… it makes me get there on time, even though the majority of the time, baby is still in sleep suit under the pram suit and I look like nothing on earth!

I think your fear of having to stand around at the school gate is misplaced. If you leave home every day 10-15 minutes earlier than you have been doing until now, then you should be just in nice time to wave good bye calmly and allow your child the pleasure of being on time like their classmates and not be the odd one out. You can do this!

It's not different, it just shows that it's a choice to be on time or late. If you expect teachers to be on time, what's the excuse for parents?

Yes, a teacher won't have a newborn, but unless they take an extended maternity leave, their youngest will be just as hard work for them as they are for any other parents.

I am in awe of people who don't (I am not being sarcastic), I genuinely don't know how they manage. Mornings with kids are chaotic for everyone, unless you have help, nannies etc but most of us don't