To get no help with childcare from grandparents

[Maxi77]

Since my nearly 14 month old daughter was born, I've had very little help from my parents. I'd estimate they've seen her once every two months at best, despite living a 20 min drive away. In terms of actual child care, it would be an hour and a half total (at most) since she was born, most of which was looking after her while i had to pick DH up from hospital. Yes they are older, and I by no means expect lots of free childcare, but I can't help but feel disappointed that I don't get any help (especially now I'm back at work) and DC really has no real relationship with them. I honestly think they love the idea of a grandchild and talking to their friends about it/wearing it has a badge of honour, but are thoughtless/selfish in term's of actually providing any help. Their 'activities' or having the cleaner over takes priority over providing any help. DHs parents live very far away, but have made far more of an effort to see her. I do feel somewhat envious when I see other grandparents pushing their grand kids around or taking them to activities. Or friends of mine who are able to go out and leave baby with their mums.

AIBU to feel like I've got a raw deal?

Gosh it was cathartic to write this down!

Not a raw deal at all. The child is yours not theirs. They have lives they like living, and small children are often quite boring.

Yes, my parents & in-laws helped as did theirs. The norm for my friends too but you will be told on here that it’s wrong to expect some help.

Do they get the vibe from you that if they come over to see you, or if you go to visit them, that you'll leave your child with them so that you can go off and do something alone? Ie. are you only interested in what they can offer in terms of childcare, or are they still valued members of your family?

I am usually on the side of GPs, but an hour and a half in 14 months does sound dire! Do they still work?

I would likely help my DC at least every other weekend perhaps.

I can see both sides.

I can see that you’d like help but also that they’re older and have done their time.

do you ask them round without an expectation of babysitting ?

Before you had the baby, or planned to have the baby, we're they constantly talking about the days when you'd have children, and how involved they would, and how much help they would give? - No? Why did you think they would be hugely involved?

Because in reality; your parents dont owe you their involvement in raising and looking after your child. It was your decision to have a child and its your (and DH) responsibility for raising and caring for that child. Its nice if they are, but don't expect it.

Calling your parents thoughtless and selfish because they don't provide regular childcare is pretty out there. They brough you up, didn't they? Now it's time for you to bring up your child.
Why shouldn't they prioritise their activities? Did you discuss something with them before having a baby? Did you make it clear to them somehow that you are only having one if they commit to a certain amount of help? Did they agree to it and then you went ahead and tried to conceive?
Sure it's lovely when family offer to help but they are not obligated to. And no, int's not selfish.

My parents are the same, DD is almost 12 months old.

Its just me and DH! They have never offered to look after her even for a couple of hours, which would be nice.

I was regularly palmed off to my grandparents growing up, I loved it though! I was there every weekend and my grandma would often look after me so my mum could work. I have a very close relationship with my grandparents, and wish my DD would have the same.

my mum had alot of help, so I thought she would offer at least a little bit to me, it would be a wonderful chance to build an amazing bond with her DGC

Did your mum have much help from her parents when she had a baby?

My parents were great, although they lived 2 hours away and it was therefore a very occasional thing. My in-laws are similarly distant and never once looked after any of their grandchildren until the grandkids were 10 and over.

YABU to expect childcare, YANBU to wish it was offered.

Calling your parents thoughtless and selfish because they don't provide regular childcare is pretty out there

The OP isn’t looking for regular childcare though. 2 hours in over a year is poor when gps live close by.

For me I think the raw deal is that they can't be bothered to spend time with you given that they don't live far away. I wouldn't expect childcare and I don't think I'll want to provide regular childcare myself if I have grandchildren.

Do you ever visit them?
Invite them for days out?
Do they work full time?
Do they have disabilities?
Have you actually asked for help?
Are they elderly?
Do they have other caring responsibilities such as there parents?

It's too late now, I know, but discussing your expectations with your parents before you TTC would have saved you this disappointment.

It is unheard of in my circle for grandparents or PIL not to be absolutely crazy about their grandchildren and to take every opportunity to spend time with them. Now I’m older, it is equally unheard of in my friend group, not to dote on grandkids.

Only on mumsnet is the expectation of involved grandparents seen as some kind of unreasonable imposition.

You’ll be told you are unreasonable. You’re not.

Everyone’s situation will be different. My parents were dead before I had kids, in-laws were worn out from looking after SiL’s kids so ours effectively grew up with no grandparents. It is what it is. We hired babysitters who the advantage of, is that they do as you ask and clear off as soon as you get home!

You’ll get lots of posters telling you that you can’t expect childcare or help, you chose to have a child, it’s unrealistic and entitled to expect your parents to be in anyway interested in their grandchild and that they coped with 5 under 4, a husband who worked off shore, no friends and never asked for nor expected any help and that’s just how it is.

So just prepare for that @Maxi77 I can see the first reply is a great example already.

In the real world of course nobody owed you childcare but most people do try to help their families here and there if they can, most grandparents do take an interest in their grandchildren - love them even and want to see them/ spend time with them.

Your parents aren’t obliged to be interested not to help you, their own child, as you manage becoming a parent yourself. There’s not much you can do about it. But it’s also totally normal and fair enough to feel disappointed in them, to be upset by it and it may well have implications for your relationship with them and theirs with their grandchild. It might not - they may become more interested as she gets older and this could just be a blip, but it’s totally valid to be hurt and disappointed.

My in laws were similar, they do show interest in some ways and do things like insist on paying for her swimming lessons or buying her bits and bobs they see whilst out and about (often completely unsuitable but still). I’m not criticising them, I accept it and am grateful for what they do do. But no denying it’s impacted how DH sees them and he’s been hurt and disappointed by their lack of interest in spending time with DD. He remembers a childhood in which his own grandparents looked after him a lot, spent a lot of time with him, took him on holidays (his mum was a SAHM so it wasn’t to facilitate her working) and he was so close to them. Definitely impacted their relationship, even if there’s no dramatic fallouts or anything.

I am the same but I chose to have my kids so it’s me and hubby that need to do the childcare. My parents didn’t have help and did it all themselves as well. In my older teens and early adult years, I appreciate what they gave up and feel they have done their years raising kids.

We don't have much help either.

Make your own village instead. A group of friends with similar aged children for playdates. A babysitter you can trust (my daughter goes wild with excitement when the babysitter comes round!).

I have 2 childless friends who will stay in my house if we want an evening away, they keep my daughter company and put her to bed etc, then I pay for their takeaway and have some treats for them to say thank you.

When you have a child, you sign up to care for it until it's 18. That's all. Anything after that, you do because you want to, not because anyone expects you to. Assuming your parents cared for you until you were 18, they fulfilled their responsibilities.

If they WANT to provide childcare that's a nice perk, but you are not in any way entitled to it. However, I understand it's disappointing and hurtful if you had a really close relationship with regular contact and they're now not interested in you (or your baby). You aren't unreasonable to expect your relationship to continue along the same lines as it was before you had a child. Have you asked them why they don't want to see you more often (not for childcare, just socially)?

Lots of 'they did their time', 'you chose to have a child, its not their responsibility'. Yet I often find the ones that don't get involved with their grandkids are precisely the ones that used to use grandparents as much as possible for childcare and tell their child to go play outside and not come back until tea time. Then will expect you to drop everything to care for them as they get older.

They probably just don't like kids and deciding to be child free wasn't done at the time and wanted someone to look after them when they're old. Match their energy, you can't make them want to be involved.

Thanks for the comments to far. I do appreciate hearing other perspectives.

To clarify, yes they are older and retired for years. They are still very capable of going out and doing the things they enjoy (lots of lunches, socialising etc). I don't expect a lot. Don't think they have actually ever asked to come and see DC. I always have to invite them over.

They live 20 minutes away and see her every 2 months?

Do you take your child to see them at their house?

Do you spend time or have days out with your parents and your child?

Have you asked them if they would mind having her overnight, for example?

What were your expectations beforehand?

It IS really difficult
We knew MIL would be useless. My DM was very enthused (if not somewhat overstepping... lots of feeding the kids things they were allergic too 😅)
Her health has declined and she now isnt able for much which has made it way harder tbh.

Have you spoken to your mother (and father)?
Can you find a small specific thing you could ask for or involve them in?