To get no help with childcare from grandparents

[Maxi77]

Since my nearly 14 month old daughter was born, I've had very little help from my parents. I'd estimate they've seen her once every two months at best, despite living a 20 min drive away. In terms of actual child care, it would be an hour and a half total (at most) since she was born, most of which was looking after her while i had to pick DH up from hospital. Yes they are older, and I by no means expect lots of free childcare, but I can't help but feel disappointed that I don't get any help (especially now I'm back at work) and DC really has no real relationship with them. I honestly think they love the idea of a grandchild and talking to their friends about it/wearing it has a badge of honour, but are thoughtless/selfish in term's of actually providing any help. Their 'activities' or having the cleaner over takes priority over providing any help. DHs parents live very far away, but have made far more of an effort to see her. I do feel somewhat envious when I see other grandparents pushing their grand kids around or taking them to activities. Or friends of mine who are able to go out and leave baby with their mums.

AIBU to feel like I've got a raw deal?

Gosh it was cathartic to write this down!

YANBU to want them to want a relationship with your child.

YABU to think they should be offering childcare.

You are not entitled to expect other people to want to look after a child you chose to have. Free childcare should never be expected.

This
You have EVERY right to be upset OP.
For alot of people, their parents have been an integral part and support for the gc. Just comes naturally and no biggie to them.
I have been fully involved in my GC lives (of course work etc means some limitations).
I simply don't understand GPs who wouldn't want to be involved and supportive.
I am aware of the massive difference in provision of GP support amongst families

Depends really, they probably think that one small child with 2 active parents doesn't require much help? Involvement yes, help not so much.

I think that is pretty shit tbh OP - are you close to them yourself?

No, you’re not being unreasonable. It’s not about expecting childcare, it’s about wanting your parents to show interest and build a relationship with your daughter. It’s completely understandable to feel disappointed and envious when you see other grandparents making more effort. Those feelings are valid.

Ime it's odd these are YOUR dps not ils... My original ils were happy to see our dc an hour a week at their home.. They practically raised sil's dc..
All 6 of them. My dm was at that time a supportive one. She didn't handle dc as small ones but handled washing up /ironing and such like..

Okay. Do you ever ask to visit them? How long did you ask them to wait to meet the baby after they were born? Were they good parents? Have you enquired whether they would like to mind the child while you work? You’re not giving us enough information to answer your question.

Surely the focus (and title of this OP) should be that the grandparents have little interest in their grandkids, rather than 'they don't do any childcare'.

The latter can be excused. The former is really sad and upsetting.

My Mil is 81. She still has DS1 over for lunch every Saturday and DS2 goes to hers every Saturday evening for a sleepover. More during the holidays. When they were younger and DS1 had many medical appointments she fetched DS2 from school once a week. She was deligthed to do it. And I was a sahm! But then she's very kind and loves her grandchildren more than life. And they love her deeply. Sad for your parents to miss out on that bound. And then they will wonder why noone comes to see them at the retirement home...

YABU about the childcare element but not unreasonable about the lack of effort in general.

My parents are amazing, have a beautiful bond and relationship with my children, they don’t do childcare nor do I expect them to but they are very involved in our lives, we see them at least once every week, they know my children almost as well as I do and they truly do adore them and would see them every day if they could.

I never begrudge grandparents who don’t want to do childcare, I think its totally fair because its tiring when you’re young nevermind into old age but grandparents who don’t even want to see their grandkids does make me sad.

I think it’s sad when this happens, both sets of grandparents to our baby adore him and can’t get enough of him. I have a few friends whose parents aren’t interested in their children and I think it’s so sad.

We very rarely get babysitting, but do see grandparents all together much more often than every two months. You can pay a babysitter if you want free time, but you can’t pay for a relationship. Do they video call?

my mum had a lot of help, so I thought she would offer at least a little bit to me

This is what I find so utterly selfish of some GPs. They had the help, but there is no "paying it forward" to help their own children.

I find it sad and bizarre that they think it is ok to be like that

Dm wonders why my dcs don't jump up to hug her; it is a very transactional relationship, and if I'm being completely honest feels forced. We rarely go to hers as she is always "put out", despite me bringing their snacks/lunch with me. She puts big thick throws all over her sofa. They're primary school age now, and not any bother, and don't make a mess. I always wash her cups and dh's and I's, and any clearing up, not that there is much. One rare time when my youngest dc got some crumbs on the throw, I shook it as difficult with all of the blankets to see. I vacuumed before we left! She isn't elderly, and was around 60 when my first was born.

Unfortunately due to a lack of effort, even (worse in the early days), they haven't created a strong bond at all.
I never expected her to babysit, just show a genuine interest, but going out/nights out in pub with her bf (who she is no longer with) was put first (fine, it is her life, my dcs, etc). However she is all about the show and a bit of a Disney gp who paints a very different picture to others; this is the part that frustrates me. One relative was astounded she hadn't babysat or supported me in any way, not even visiting me when they were in SCBU. God knows what she had been saying. You cannot have it both ways.

I’m in a similar boat. My parents show no interest in my 2 children and it’s so sad. I wish they wanted to have a relationship with them. They live 10 minutes away and haven’t seen them for 8 months. I always had to travel to them or make the plans so decided to just stop and see if they would initiate anything and they didn’t.
As a child I frequently spent time with grandparents and other relatives so they certainly looked to outsource childcare themselves but make no effort to offer that to any of their grandchildren.

Assuming they are in their 70s, I think yabu.

People over 70 get much more tired, much faster. I'm 62 and I couldn't look after a toddler for long.

In 10 years time, I think I'd only be prepared to cover absolute emergencies.

You need to understand that and look elsewhere for your childcare. And I say that a single mum who did the whole lot herself without any support at all

Dh has 3 gc under 8 who live about 30 minutes drive away. We see them about every 6 weeks for a meal and a walk.
We are both mid 60s and retired but don't do childcare apart from a day in the school holidays for the 2 school age ones. Never had them overnight.

If it was so important to have GPs look after your child for you so you didn’t have to, maybe you should have discussed it with them before getting pregnant.

You can't expect childcare, but it's a huge shame that they aren't interested in getting to know your child/their grandchild.
My grandparents lived 5 mins walk away. Never visited, if we visited them my grandad would tell us to be quiet as he couldn't hear the tv. I didn't feel I had any relationship with them and didn't feel sad when they passed away, only sad for my Dad as he was upset. I listened to friends talk about playing games and days out with their grandparents and was really jealous.
I'm lucky that mine and DH parents absolutely adore our girls. They do help occasionally with childcare, but my main priority is them having a positive, nurturing relationship. We can pay for childcare but we can't buy that relationship and the huge value that brings.

You chose to have a child and decided to wait until they are older. My dc know we won’t be providing childcare except occasionally evening babysitting/overnight at our house, we made it clear before any of them have started families. My parents provided just a few days over my dc’s childhood (distance, still working) and got zero help from my exh’s family, couldn’t be bothered to even visit

YANBU. It's sad when GPs have no interest in their grandchildren or even their own children. Still, they will miss out in the long term when the grandchildren aren't interested in them when they are eldely and they receive little support from the children and grandchildren they neglected for their whole childhood. You reap what you sow in terms of relationships generally speaking.

I think you've been unfortunate yeah. It sounds like you get less support than average, and certainly much less than some.

Have you actually asked them for help?
Saying this as I used to feel the same about my parents, they never offer to have my DC.
But I have actually just started asking for help more, and they don't often say no.
It's by no means regular, and my DC cannot go to their home so they always have to have them here at my house (hoarding issues) but since I have started asking more, they've had them more with no issues at all. They are happy to - I just do have to ask. I think they haven't wanted to impose is all.

I lived a couple of hours away from my mum, she had my brothers child 2 days a week and I’d see her maybe 3 times a year as she was always very busy.

However I did find it a little thoughtless when she said to me, ‘I don’t know how you do it, I’d have been lost without my mum.’

To be fair I often think for lots of people this is the problem. It’s often the parents who got a lot of help who didn’t enjoy looking after their own kids, so they don’t want to look after someone else’s 30 years down the line either.

Someone told me years ago that the parents who loved being parents also love being grandparents because it gives them the chance to relive those times. The parents who didn’t enjoy being parents don’t want to be involved grandparents because they didn’t want to do it when they had to so they would never choose to.

Definitely rings true for me. My parents were amazing parents and they adore being grandparents, my dad especially loves nothing more than spending weekend mornings at the park and cafe with us and our children, looks forward to it all week! My PIL were awful parents who hated being parents, saw my daughter 4 times in the first year of her life and have now completely cut us off and have never even met my son.