To get no help with childcare from grandparents

[Maxi77]

Since my nearly 14 month old daughter was born, I've had very little help from my parents. I'd estimate they've seen her once every two months at best, despite living a 20 min drive away. In terms of actual child care, it would be an hour and a half total (at most) since she was born, most of which was looking after her while i had to pick DH up from hospital. Yes they are older, and I by no means expect lots of free childcare, but I can't help but feel disappointed that I don't get any help (especially now I'm back at work) and DC really has no real relationship with them. I honestly think they love the idea of a grandchild and talking to their friends about it/wearing it has a badge of honour, but are thoughtless/selfish in term's of actually providing any help. Their 'activities' or having the cleaner over takes priority over providing any help. DHs parents live very far away, but have made far more of an effort to see her. I do feel somewhat envious when I see other grandparents pushing their grand kids around or taking them to activities. Or friends of mine who are able to go out and leave baby with their mums.

AIBU to feel like I've got a raw deal?

Gosh it was cathartic to write this down!

It's not clear from the OP whether her issue is that they have never offered to help or have refused when they've been asked. I think it's unreasonable to expect people to read your mind and offer exactly what you want but it's reasonable to feel a bit aggrieved if you have asked for help and they have refused. Some people can feel inhibited about offering to help. OP also doesn't say if she's told them about how disappointed she is.

I think YANBU at all! I think so many parents are like this now.Totally involved with their own lives .I think they want to "stay young" and have fun .Being a GDP should be able to encompass that of course,but some dont want to do it at all! If you have a good RL pre DC maybe sound Mum on her own .and say ",I know you love Susie of course ,would you be up for a bit of babysitting now and then now shes a little older?" That way she has a chance to say yes or no.If not I think you have to accept it really .I was practically co parented by my Nan and DM worked and was a SP as well .Meant all School hols, EOW and being collected by DGD in his Austin A40 on a Wednesday for tea!My DM would babysit with a couple of weeks notice, and would have DD while I went to the HD sort of thing .

I’m so sorry this is the situation with your parents and as a hands on grandma many times over I can’t identify with grandparents who are like your parents even though I know it takes all sorts to make a world. I doubt anyone will be able to make you feel better about the situation and I wish it were different for you and yours. ❤️

and just to say that there is a very big difference between not helping out with babysitting and not have any interest in your grandchildren which is what the Op is going through with her parents.

Also why does babysitting by gps now & then mean you aren’t raising your dc 🙄

I was always envious of friends who had parents who helped. Mine were both dead before I had children, but I know they didn't do much for my sister. We had au pairs instead. They filled that gap for us perfectly.

In my experience and I had even less support than OP and had two DC very close together. My parents lived a 10 minute drive away. My sister had one DC who they couldn’t do enough for in terms of free childcare, baby sitting on a weekend or after work, while she did housework, daily visits. Meanwhile I had two babies and worked part time. I had to take them both with me for a smear, to the dentist etc and my parents could go three weeks without seeing my two.

I did ask for support with half a days childcare a week or once a month babysitting etc but they weren’t interested. I tried to fight and discuss the unfairness of this situation with my parents but they refused to admit or acknowledge it, I wrote a couple of letters, spoke on the phone, had several tearful face to face meetings, tried to go NC several times but could only manage three weeks before I was paralysed by guilt. But absolutely nothing changed.

My advice to you is that people do what they want to do and if someone shows you how they feel repeatedly believe them. You will ultimately be fine as will your DC. Mine are both grown up now. I so wanted them to have a good relationship with both my parents but however hard I tried my parents just weren’t interested. Our marriage survived, our children are doing well but we totally lost any friends we had as couples because we could never go out together but hey ho.

Op its hard agree. I got told on here nobody owes you anything) my mother never helped. I used babysitters kids of neighbours. Only thing is my kids havent close bond with her now. My kids grown now. It does sting though. Its hard though. I did get breaks once she went school playdates etc.

How old is older?

I have family and great grandma is 72, has her great grandchildren regularly, picks up from school, has over night and is now starting to find it is getting to much. The mother/grandmother doesn't do very much at all and I think the great grandma compensates but does find it a lot

If they are in good health and don’t work - I think they’re selfish

You obviously can’t force them. But you can keep your distance as they get older and require your support/ care. They don’t deserve it

To be fair. If parents weren’t that interested when they were parents, and had grandparents who did a lot - why would you think they would change when they themselves became grandparents?

Small children aren't everyone's cup of tea and your parents have done their time with children and now have their own lives. It's a bonus if they want to help out, but it's not fair to expect that. I'm retiring soon and the last thing I want to do is spend time with other people's children, even if they are family.

@HairsprayBabe that's weird I don't know a single person friend acquaintance or colleague that doesn't have any regular help from grandparents

So, you all live near your parents? You all go off to uni, then come back and find your exact work in your home towns near your parents and those home towns allow significant professional development for a few decades. Have you always lived in a metro centre where these jobs are concentrated? If so, I understand this may be the case for you and your friends, but if not it’s a bit perplexing.

Many of my colleagues/friends came from overseas to progress, met people and started families, quite rare to be local from the start, or more likely might have started here, gone overseas themselves then came back after having opportunity elsewhere, and then quite often when returned to take on a good position, kids are then older.

I think if you've given them opportunities and invited them to spend time with your child and ensured you are treating them all to days out and such without expecting them to provide free childcare than you might just have to accept that they aren't that interested. It might change when your child is older and can have a conversation and is easier, but it might not. There shouldn't be any expectation that grandparents 'should' do anything though.

I think if you look around again you'll find plenty of people who do everything without any family support at all - you're just seeing the things that make you a bit jealous. My husband and I are immigrants so our children have never been looked after by any of our parents and plenty of our friends are in the same situation. Some of their friends have active and involved grandparents which is nice for them, but often comes with strings or expectations - nothing is easy with parenting!

Love my grandchildren and can't imagine not trying to help my daughter. I look after them and spend as much time as possible with them; they are growing too fast and I know they soon won't be interested in me 😟 so grab every chance I can to be with them. I know this site does the "they're your children "etc etc but I don't understand this. Were you difficult about seeing them when they were babies? (Another favourite here; " We're bonding , you can't visit for 2 months")

I think it's 2 separate issues, the relationship in general and then the childcare.

It's fair to want your child to have a good relationship with them, I think it's a shame they've seen her so little when they live so close. It's not fair to expect childcare especially if this wasn't discussed beforehand, but I know what you mean. You want them to WANT to have their grandchild because they love her and want to spend time with her. I think it's fair to be disappointed they don't have that kind of relationship.

You've not given your parents age and sometimes it does make a difference. It's not just the physical load it's the mental load as well. I found it quite worrying to look after my DGC, I was so worried about harm coming to them. My mental health did take a bit of a hit.

Perhaps when your DD is older they might help more.

I have looked after my DGC every Monday until recently and I do miss them but goodness I was tired when my SIL came to pick them up

Anyway got them for a sleepover this weekend, 6am wake up call on Sunday morning😂

I do feel sorry for all of you, your parents are missing out and you are as well

How old is old. Looking after 14 month old is exhausting. But I think they could babysit for an evening once in a while.

My mum didn't help out she was a young gran so was working and had a youngish child my stepdad was useless, so she had a lot going on, this is hindsight though i was upset at the time i had no support or interest from them, you really can't force them to be interested, my mil on the other hand was fantastic and spent loads of time with the grandchildren, are the other grandparents involved ?

I hated going to see my paternal grandparents. They were the complete opposite in every way to my maternal ones. One day when I was about 10 i told my dad just as we drew up outside their door that I didn’t like them, that they were stinky (they were) and that I wasn’t going in. My dad’s very angry reply was to say if you haven’t got out of the car by the time I count to 10 you can stay in it all afternoon on your own. So I did 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Never had any childcare ftom my parents when mine were little- jyst not their thing. Had emotional support and they were happy to see us, but not me leaving the children there at a time to suit me.

it is hard when you hear of friends who have weekends away / afternoons out / lower nursery bills all thanks to dgp, but it’s just the way it is.

find a good babysitter and pay them when you want a night out. Makes it expensive, but it’s a solution.

There is no indication that the OP is "asking" for anything at all. She is expecting, as far as I can see. I haven't seen her write "I asked and they said no". Normal MN situation where nobody is able to communicate their needs clearly and expect everyone to run around them in circles pre-empting what they may want.

Same case with my DP's. Children are much older now but I have literally never had any help. I try not to let it bother me but it does sometimes. My DCs are the youngest of the grandchildren and it seems my DPs ran out of steam by the time they got to mine. With the elder DGC they took them to panto and made far more of an effort.

Ironically, when I was a child my DP's used to regularly use their own parents for childcare, even leaving me with my not particularly nice GM for a week at a time whilst they travelled at least once a year!

DF is now no longer with us and DM is a bit too elderly to look after the kids (it's now me helping look after her) so I know that we will now never get help. I do feel sometimes sad (& selfishly a little frustrated) that we never got any help from them when they were able.

I've noticed that it's usually the people who didn't particularly enjoy parenting who want to steer clear from kids or GC. They are the ones counting down the days until their child turns 18 and can move out, so they can "start their life" since they don't have the burden of children to consider.

My DM (63) absolutely loved being a parent and regularly has mine (3 boys under 5) over for the day and the occasional sleepover. She sends me links to things going on in the area which they might like, and generally is very interested in their lives. She never had help from her parents (Because they live in a different country) so she understands how hard it is, so tries to make it easier if she can.

My MIL is the opposite and clearly didn't enjoy being a parent (DH is an only child). All the stories she tells about him are usually thinly veiled complaints and rants about how hard he was to manage. So she never jumps to even visit our kids, but kinda has to come along because FIL regularly wants to see the kids. And even then when we do see her, she busys herself with tidying or cooking or whatever. It's starting to show now though because the kids only ask for FIL or my DM and don't ask for MIL at all.

I don’t understand this attitude that nobody should want help because they chose to have a child
my parents chose to have a child too and if they resent spending any time with with my kids maybe they shouldn’t have started a family?

Sadly it sounds like they are not terribly interested in you or your child. What were they like before you had the baby? Did they make any effort then?