To get no help with childcare from grandparents

[Maxi77]

Since my nearly 14 month old daughter was born, I've had very little help from my parents. I'd estimate they've seen her once every two months at best, despite living a 20 min drive away. In terms of actual child care, it would be an hour and a half total (at most) since she was born, most of which was looking after her while i had to pick DH up from hospital. Yes they are older, and I by no means expect lots of free childcare, but I can't help but feel disappointed that I don't get any help (especially now I'm back at work) and DC really has no real relationship with them. I honestly think they love the idea of a grandchild and talking to their friends about it/wearing it has a badge of honour, but are thoughtless/selfish in term's of actually providing any help. Their 'activities' or having the cleaner over takes priority over providing any help. DHs parents live very far away, but have made far more of an effort to see her. I do feel somewhat envious when I see other grandparents pushing their grand kids around or taking them to activities. Or friends of mine who are able to go out and leave baby with their mums.

AIBU to feel like I've got a raw deal?

Gosh it was cathartic to write this down!

I’ve been a Nana for 21 years now and I have 9 grandchildren, the youngest is 4. I’m very hands on and have been from day 1. In fact there’s barely two days that go by when I’m not actively involved with one or two of them. There are also times when I have (what I call) the entire cousin gang to stay and they make my heart sing. I also have care commitments with a loved one.

Im 68 and lead a very full Iife, I have hobbies, I travel frequently as a solo traveller and I volunteer twice a month with young adults who are disabled.

I wouldn’t have it any other way and I find living life rather thinking about the years I have left as time well spent.

Did they pester you for grandkids?

You do know that you will get zero sympathy on here about this issue? The attitude is that it is your child,you chose to have them and your parents are not obliged to provide help or childcare. I am a grandmother to one DGD (who is now 19) and I was very involved with her from the start. I can't imagine not being,but unfortunately not all grandparents feel the same.

You remind me of my mum, who had 8 grandchildren and lived to see her first two great grandchildren. She was a really involved ‘nana’ and the kids adored her. The idea that ‘she’d done her parenting’ wouldn’t have occurred to her - nobody was asking her to parent these children, but to be an interested and involved grandparent which is exactly what she was. She also had a great time in life - despite health issues, caring responsibilities and a lot more challenges than many people face in their lifetime she was still the first one up on the dance floor, had lovely holidays, made friends, always open and up for enjoying life. She was amazing. When she got ill she was surrounded by all of us looking after and caring for her, I literally gave up my job and life abroad to move in with her to care for her until she died, not a moment’s hesitation and I’d do it again in a heartbeat. Considered it a privilege.

Sadly this was before I was able to have children - she had me late and my siblings early so there was a huge age gap. I wish my DD had got to know her and experience that, luckily she has my eldest sister who she calls and thinks of as ‘nana’ (that’s what all her ‘cousins’ call her so she just did the same) and who acts very much like one. Which doesn’t mean regular childcare but absolutely she’d help me out if I needed. She’s also like you, and like my mum was, she considers a week without spending any time with her grandchildren to be wasted, ‘living her life’ absolutely includes spending plenty of time with her grandchildren, step-grandchildren, and bonus one in my DD.

That is basic caring responsibility, a child doesn’t ask to be born and cared for

I have a good friend with a similar aged child to my eldest. We tell each others kids off! Not hugely but small corrections. Such as take your finger out of the butter tub!!