To get no help with childcare from grandparents

[Maxi77]

Since my nearly 14 month old daughter was born, I've had very little help from my parents. I'd estimate they've seen her once every two months at best, despite living a 20 min drive away. In terms of actual child care, it would be an hour and a half total (at most) since she was born, most of which was looking after her while i had to pick DH up from hospital. Yes they are older, and I by no means expect lots of free childcare, but I can't help but feel disappointed that I don't get any help (especially now I'm back at work) and DC really has no real relationship with them. I honestly think they love the idea of a grandchild and talking to their friends about it/wearing it has a badge of honour, but are thoughtless/selfish in term's of actually providing any help. Their 'activities' or having the cleaner over takes priority over providing any help. DHs parents live very far away, but have made far more of an effort to see her. I do feel somewhat envious when I see other grandparents pushing their grand kids around or taking them to activities. Or friends of mine who are able to go out and leave baby with their mums.

AIBU to feel like I've got a raw deal?

Gosh it was cathartic to write this down!

Well you can't make them be interested. But it goes both ways. They can't make you be interested in running around after them when they're older either, can they.

I feel your pain, OP. We had DC (now 12 and 8) on the expectation that we would get little to no help from grandparents, as they live a 3-hour and 6-hour drive away. So we knew we would be going it alone, which I think is kind of good as you never have any guarantees. However seeing friends who have parents and family locally, they are really living a completely different life and I am jealous! It all just seems so much easier, not to mention the relationships the kids have with grandparents. Neither of us want to return to our home towns and we have a good life here so it is what it is.

Do you not go to see them? If they are old they might not feel capable to look after a baby, also have you asked them?

Your child, not theirs. Very different going out to a lunch than looking after a extremely active toddler you cant take your eyes off. YABU.

Im a grandparent and for me there’s a world of difference between babysitting and providing regular childcare.
Caring for grandchildren while parents have a night out is fun and a one off. Regular childcare is restrictive, and can be hard going. I have mine 2 days a week and wouldn’t have it any other way. But it’s nothing like looking after your own children .. it’s exhausting. Once you’ve made the commitment it’s you if you’re not well yourself, if you have an invitation out you can’t, and holidays need extra planning.
I love helping my children. I love having my grandchildren. But I don’t blame those who choose not to

There are times I hate MN. Of course op is entitled to feel hard done by - her parents couldn’t give a demonstrable shit about her or her baby.

Throughout history grandparents and maiden aunts etc have helped with kids. Hence the phrase “it takes a village to raise a child”.

You know who else is hard done by? The baby, who has next to no relationship with DGP.

So guess who else has NO responsibility once an adult? An adult dd whose parents are getting old. They had better not be expecting any help when they need support in their dotage!

Yes because only mums need help not dads.

Women expect other women to assist but don't have the same expectations from men.

Sure it's lovely when family offer to help but they are not obligated to. And no, int's not selfish.

This is peak mumsnet mentality - nobody owes anybody anything - friends, family, whatever. As soon as your child is 18 you’ve ’done your time’ and have no further responsibility for supporting them or maintaining the relationship in any way. God forbid you should love THEIR children as an extension of them, how weird - kids are vile.

Of course it’s selfish. She’s not asking for them to do 3 days a week and every other weekend, just more than an hour in 14 months. She’s their daughter.

it is an unpopular opinion here but I believe grandparents SHOULD help with childcare if they are able to.

Distance, health, work aside they should help.

Why would you say no to helping your children, even when they are adults, just because it doesn't suit you. I am not saying take the piss and make your parents raise your children but one or two days of childcare a week isn't much to ask.

But I come from a normal family that likes to help each other not a bizzarro world MN family who think any ask is too much and once your children are adults its tough shit get on with it.

my mum had alot of help

Therefore she should pay it back? Men don't need to, of course!

It’s their choice if they don’t want to help, and that’s fair enough, even if disappointing for you. Their relationship with their grandchildren will reflect it though.

My parents are wonderfully helpful. They have their own lives, but are there for us in every way that they can be. They have a house full of toys, have looked after the kids to help whenever they can and the result is that they have an amazing bond with our two daughters, who absolutely adore them. When they are older and frailer/ more dependent we won’t forget everything they have done for us and we will do everything we can to support them in turn.

My husband’s parents live equally nearby but only ever want to see the kids on their own terms and provide no help of any sort. If we propose bringing the kids to visit and they were planning to go for a walk, they wouldn’t consider adjusting even the timing of their plans to accommodate our visit. They are not willing to keep even a couple of toys at their house, so it’s boring for the kids. The result is that our girls don’t want to visit them (we make the effort anyway, but we need to coax the kids into the car and sometimes it’s a bit of a battle). All fine, they are under no obligation to put themselves out at all for our kids, but their relationship reflects that. You reap what you sow really. I know what kind of grandparent I plan to be when the time comes.

I am on your side here.

I didn't get much help as both sets of parents far away, but if my mum were nearer they would have helped. If I were only 20 m away I would visit at least once a week, if I was welcome!

But these dgp have barely seen their dgc in 14 months! And they are only 20 mins away

OP is hardly asking for a major childcare commitment

My own kids have a wonderful relationship with their dgp and we are careful not to trade on their goodwill. It warms my heart when the kids (15 and 7) go in for a huge hug when we see the dgp. DGP are always there for us and our kids, and our kids have so many special memories of good times with them. That wouldn’t have occurred if DGP hadn’t invested in the relationship from day 1.

My parents don’t help either. You just have to make your peace with it and accept the relationship looks little different than what you were expecting rather than feeling resentful. If you look at it from another angle not everyone loves the baby stage, they’ve done their time and earned a fun retirement.

I wouldn't provide regular childcare but the OP isnt asking for that!

I never understand this. We didn’t have parents/family anywhere near and brought up our kids with zero assistance. Exactly the same for most people we know, was really rare for anyone to have any family nearby, so everyone just got on with it. It’s definitely possible and not something to moan about. What specifically are you in need of help with?

Their 'activities' or having the cleaner over takes priority over providing any help.

Why should your "activities" take priority over looking over your own child?

What a load of rot.

If you love a family member, live nearby and have the ability to help - a normal person absolutely would want to offer help and support in that situation.

Of course, they aren’t obligated to help. But you reap what you sow. Both in terms of the relationship with op and her dc - and in future when those parents may require help/support. OP won’t be obligated to provide that then, the parents can struggle, just as they are content to let op do now.

Haven't seen ils since ds was 3 months old. Mil held him once in the hospital..
Ds is now 11..
Mil is only 10 years older than me.
Me now 54...
Be glad you aren't having to have a forced relationship with those who don't give a shit. It's very liberating..
Whole weekends to ourself. No drama.. Whatsoever..

It’s sad, mine are similar. Won’t come to mine as they don’t like the roads, I have to go to them. No effort to childproof the house so I spend my time stopping the kids touching things and dealing with tantrums.

i just know when I am a grandparent I would like to help and have a relationship with my grandchildren.

my kids cry when we pull up at my parents house.

Oh you'll get everyone saying you're unreasonable on here but the world has turned very ego centric and selfish. All these parents who had support from their parents forget that and parents need support more than ever.

I'm so grateful for my family and the help they have all given me and I'll do the same for my children when they are grown. That's what family is for just like I'll take care of my parents as they age. It's a two way street so when they are older and need help, you're too busy living your life to do that!

YANBU.

@HoppingPavlova that's weird I don't know a single person friend acquaintance or colleague that doesn't have any regular help from grandparents.

Well your post is a bit confusing because there is a difference between seeing her regularly/having a relationship with her vs providing childcare. It is reasonable to expect that they would want to see her. It is unreasonable to have assumed that they would provide childcare.

Also, 14 months is still very young, and therefore more challenging to take care of than an older child. It may well be that they will provide more care when she is older. My mother provides more care for my DD than her other grandchildren, because my DD is the eldest and therefore far less challenging to care for than a younger child.

My in-laws are the same, have never, very offered any help, never mind baby sitting. They live literally on the next to their school, but have only ever collected them once - when j was in hospital.
It's very sad. Now the kids are older they actively dislike them and ask to go to their friends when GPs are due over.
But when they had kids they happily shipped them off to anyone who'd take them. They openly tell us how they had so much help, they never had a weekend home.

Do you want them to have a relationship or do your want the to do childcare?

you can facilitate a relationship with them and dc without babysitting.

if you want them to do childcare I’d ask them, did you talk to them about them doing any sort of regular or even ad hoc childcare before you had dc?