To get no help with childcare from grandparents

[Maxi77]

Since my nearly 14 month old daughter was born, I've had very little help from my parents. I'd estimate they've seen her once every two months at best, despite living a 20 min drive away. In terms of actual child care, it would be an hour and a half total (at most) since she was born, most of which was looking after her while i had to pick DH up from hospital. Yes they are older, and I by no means expect lots of free childcare, but I can't help but feel disappointed that I don't get any help (especially now I'm back at work) and DC really has no real relationship with them. I honestly think they love the idea of a grandchild and talking to their friends about it/wearing it has a badge of honour, but are thoughtless/selfish in term's of actually providing any help. Their 'activities' or having the cleaner over takes priority over providing any help. DHs parents live very far away, but have made far more of an effort to see her. I do feel somewhat envious when I see other grandparents pushing their grand kids around or taking them to activities. Or friends of mine who are able to go out and leave baby with their mums.

AIBU to feel like I've got a raw deal?

Gosh it was cathartic to write this down!

I would invite them round more for meals or to do things together. I wouldn’t expect child care from people in their 70s. I wouldn’t expect them to be seeing the children with you there too and maybe you taking the children round there more when you go and see them. In general grandparents see grandchildren more if they have adult children that want to see their parents and take the children along. Do you want to see your parents more or is it just childcare?

Same. Mine have done less than fuck-all for me - not just including the lack of help with my kids, but also a complete lack of support for me throughout my whole life. The 'your children, your problem' thing only works for people who aren't expecting loads of family help and support themselves in their older years.

We get very little in the way of childcare for our two young children. My mum comes up once a week and does really help me when she’s here. My MIL comes once a fortnight to be hosted, then congratulates herself on helping 😂 That’s an improvement. She used to expect us to travel to her and go out for lunch/dinner, then complain that it was only 90mins.

It is what it is. You can’t force people to take an active interest let alone help out. That’s their choice. It can be a bitter pill to swallow, especially if your own grandparents did a huge amount of childcare for your parents, but they don’t want to pay it forward for you.

I had no expectations when having my children, but parents attitudes (especially my in-laws) did surprise me.

Exactly. It's not a stretch to assume the people who are disinterested in their grandkids weren't that interested in their own kids either, and provided the most basic of parenting.

Exactly. It's not a stretch to assume the people who are disinterested in their grandkids weren't that interested in their own kids either, and provided the most basic of parenting.

I do think it's a bit of a stretch. When people have children they go into it blind, having no idea of the true realities - you only have to read a few threads on mumsnet to see that! - and to see how many struggle.

Don't forget for the last generation of parents nursery and other child care was very thin on the ground. Many modern mothers manage by using these facilities so that they do only the amount of parenting that they can cope with - and we all have different levels.

Every parent simply does their best. Some grandparents will have made a really good job of parenting in spite of finding it very hard. They may be enjoying their well-earned retirement and that is fine.

We get very little in the way of childcare for our two young children. My mum comes up once a week and does really help me when she’s here.

Once a week is "very little" @Chunkychips23? Seriously?

Yes - I was going to comment on that too!

Here is a GM who devotes once a week to coming and helping - I do not see that as "very little" but as very generous.

Yes because it is only grandmothers who need to be considered for childcare not grandfathers.

I have this memory that sums-up the support I received quite well.

When my first born was 2 years old, my DM was having her house decorated but this only happened on the weekends as the decorator had a full-time job in the week. Anyway, my role as her daughter was to pick her up every Saturday and take her to get ‘stuff’, like paints, rails etc… My 2 year old with me. This continued for around a year - it was a big job. This one Saturday we arrived in the B&Q car park and DS was asleep, so we sat in the car to give him his allotted sleep time (DM could’ve gone in on her own but chose not to). Once awake we headed inside and DM headed for the nuts and bolts and I took DS to the cafe for lunch ‘sausage roll’. As we sat in the cafe, I turned and saw my DM at the nuts and bolts giving me the dirtiest scowling look ever. I understood from that point onwards that she honestly thought as I was her daughter I was there to serve and help her, and that my DS’s lunch should not have been prioritised.

Some mothers are completely self-obsessed and couldn’t possibly think of helping their DC care for their DGC as they’re too busy thinking their DC should be caring for them.

I ignored the look, and carried on with the lovely fun lunch with my child. But, I’ve never forgotten it!

My friend minds 4 days enjoys but says she very tied. Can see both sides. It does tie your days. We never had help. It was difficult. But it stung at time as friends had loads of help from family

Dh and I have raised 4 children over more than 3 decades ( age gap and step children)and our youngest is now at university .
it is most definitely our time to enjoy our hard work and time together.
when dc have children we will be thrilled but definitely not going back to rearing children and getting exhausted doing it.
we will obviously enjoy them and no doubt fund many holidays etc and step in in an emergency but no way are we giving up our time together for grandchildren duties.

I knew someone would come on and say something as woefully ignorant as this. My father and FIL are both dead. My dad looked after my twins by himself on a good few occasions before he died of cancer when they were 5yrs old. But thanks for the assumption.

Absolutely! Once per week is loads and I would have literally wept with gratitude for even one hour per week.

Our DC are 12 and 8, and during their entire lifetime we have had half a dozen evenings and two weekends courtesy of grandparents, one weekend for each set of our parents for special birthday weekends away. We won't be asking my parents again as when they did their weekend, the first thing they did when we walked back through the door was moan about how tired they were.

Yes but they ran around after OP when she was a child.

It is true that most of the childcare done by grandparents is in fact done by grandmothers not grandfathers.

Whereas fathers would behave like this and often no one would bat an eyelid.

I didn’t say it wasn’t. That didn’t have anything to do with my comment though. You just presumed I was being sexist and shot off a sarcastic response without having any idea of the context.

Possibly. Mine wasn’t around at all, so couldn’t comment. However, my DH wouldn’t be like that. He’s amazing!

It had everything to do with your comment.

You presumed it was sarcastic.

Why is my comment relevant to your sarcastic remark? Because I said 'my mum and MIL', when the grandfathers are dead? Why would I include them as being in their 70s and not up to it, when they don't exist anymore?

You're just embarrassed you got it wrong and now doubling down.

I’m still there, she’s not flying solo. She’s not providing childcare as I’m still there, she’s not babysitting. She’s babysat three times for 90mins in 2yrs. So yes, I’d count that as very little.

You’ll get blasted on here, but I agree with you. It’s a horrible shock when you realise the grandparents aren’t that interested in your babies. Especially when you may have had a decent amount of time of them
asking when you’re going to have kids, etc. It’s not about expecting childcare, it’s about them having a bond with your child and sharing moments and making memories. It’s a shame when they can’t because they need to rearrange their fruit bowl that day, or because they have a hair appointment at 3pm, so couldn’t possibly pop in for an hour at 11am. Some people will say it’s their loss, but actually the children miss out too. I had a lovely close relationship with my grandparents, which unfortunately hasn’t been afforded to my own children. And don’t get me started on people who say “I’ve done my time.” Ughhh!

I just find this really sad. my kids have the most wonderful relationship with their gps now. They spent loads of time with them whilst growing up either all of us together or for sleepovers/babysitting. They still manage to have a fantastic retirement full of socialising and doing their hobbies . Nowadays my dds will call them up and go and visit them by themselves at the weekends which my parents love - they are mid 80s now and adore the grandkids and love them coming round. As soon as they need my help I will be over like a shot.

This. With bells on. X

I would usually say something along the lines of “it’s not your parents’ responsibility to care for your DC “ but have they really only spent 1.5 hours with their DGC in 14 months ?
If so, they are missing out big time.
As a single mum I didn’t get any help from my parents and it wasn’t expected but my DH and I chose to look after my DGD once a week - and we did that for 4 years .
We created the most amazing bond with her & now she’s at school we are enjoying our “freedom”. As hard work as it was , we miss her so much
If however your parents are spending time with your DC but just not providing childcare then my response is as always- your DC are your responsibility and your DP are not selfish for choosing to spend their retirement as they wish .