To get no help with childcare from grandparents

[Maxi77]

Since my nearly 14 month old daughter was born, I've had very little help from my parents. I'd estimate they've seen her once every two months at best, despite living a 20 min drive away. In terms of actual child care, it would be an hour and a half total (at most) since she was born, most of which was looking after her while i had to pick DH up from hospital. Yes they are older, and I by no means expect lots of free childcare, but I can't help but feel disappointed that I don't get any help (especially now I'm back at work) and DC really has no real relationship with them. I honestly think they love the idea of a grandchild and talking to their friends about it/wearing it has a badge of honour, but are thoughtless/selfish in term's of actually providing any help. Their 'activities' or having the cleaner over takes priority over providing any help. DHs parents live very far away, but have made far more of an effort to see her. I do feel somewhat envious when I see other grandparents pushing their grand kids around or taking them to activities. Or friends of mine who are able to go out and leave baby with their mums.

AIBU to feel like I've got a raw deal?

Gosh it was cathartic to write this down!

If they've been retired for years and you say they're older, just how old are you talking? Mid 70s, 80, what?

You have a toddler and senior adults often can't keep up with them. Caring for them is hard on people in their 30s and 30s and 40s, much less 70s.

I think you're unreasonable to expect childcare from them and calling them thoughtless and selfish shows you feel entitled to free childcare from people who already did their parenting time. I also think that they just might catch a whiff of that entitlement you feel and perhaps that's why they're keeping their distance.

Sorry to hear this, OP, I know how hurtful it is. MN is full of grandparents who definitely don't want to look after their GC, so don't expect much support on this thread, but I also had no support and tbh it was exactly as I'd expected of my parents, but it was still disappointing. I practically lived with my grandparents as a small girl, but my mum certainly doesn't feel any obligation to act similarly towards her own GC - or even her own mother (who is still alive) tbh. I think it's a Boomer entitlement thing. Ah well. You'll be fine without them, all you can do is crack on.

@Gagamama2 '”it takes a village” mentality seems to be truly dead. And what a shame. No wonder everyone is depressed and isolated.'' - I agree. So many people say they want a village/ there is no village. But then don't want to be an active member of the village themselves

OP I would be disappointed too, some of my friends/ relatives get so much help from grandparents/ other family and I am really jealous. But as they say that's the way it goes.

I think your OP is interesting. Children can benefit a lot of grandparents, but your concerns isnt about missing out on that, but hey are not helpinfgyou care for your child. I suspect you werent massively close before. My parents have never done loads of childcare. My um once stayed for a week when my exH was away and i had to go into hospital but other than that they dont. They do however do quite a bit when we are all together. They take an interest, bake with her etc, just dont overly babysit. Which TBH is fine. They are fit and healthy 70 year olds living their best life and their child rearing days are behind them. But i also knew they would be loike this! My DD still gets alot from her grandparents though, i just dont get free childcare

@HoppingPavlova pretty much yes. I went to uni about 2 hours away, I specifically came back when we wanted to start a family for the support.
My husband didn't go to uni - my friends who have degrees either left and came back or went to the local uni and never left.
I live in a top 10 UK population city with 2 universities, but not exactly a metropolis.
I had to google it just to check I wasn't being bias but I would say your situation is more unusual as over half of British adults live within 15 to 20 miles of where they were born with 64% of first-time buyers living within 15 miles of their hometown, and homeowners with children live, on average, 9 miles closer to their hometown than those without.

The OP says her parents are elderly been retired for years. They probably feel too worried they wont have the energy to keep track of a toddler. It does seem that the OP may not be making much effort just to visit or ask them to visit with no expectation of asking them to babysit. Although I might be wrong she doesn't seem to have answered those questions already mentioned.

Which is 40 minutes driving maybe they dont like driving anymore, maybe just one doesnt feel confident driving by themselves and the other one doesnt want to come

Two things need to be distinguished here
1 - Is there an interest in your children?
2 - Is is just childcare you want ?

My own mother has only just retired - yes she in mid 60's but her job was quite manual which has taken its toll on her, Father is mid 70's and is still working, has had a few health issues the past few years which required mother to look after him for some periods. Grandkids are 3 girls 7,6, 5 and 1 boy 3- Has done sporadic babysitting for girls, but its very very tired after it, never for boy, offered many a time but no one allowed babysit him apart from her mother (That's another story). However all grandkids have spent time with grandparents on days out with parents, dinner at grandparents, call in for a visit on way home from shopping etc. This means that a relationship is building up, both of them help feed kids, kids tell them about their day etc. They have both said that it is easier as they got older, as they can talk go bathroom themselves etc. All have paid after school childcare and creche aswell,

Where as i do have one of my friends with three kids and from day one she expected child care from day one and didn't want to pay for it. Parents spend hours on the road up and down the country , She lives about 2 hours drive from them, to babysit sometimes at short notice. They are made go on holiday with her, grandmother will say sure we only go to be babysitters :( They cant book anything without consulting her and they are also not in the best health either now yes they might seem to have a good relationship with grandparents, but its slightly different, grandparents have had to parent them in some way and that hasn't been easy

If you are doing all the running and they showing no interest at all, then time to take a step back - you cant change them but you can change how it affects you

But I’ve noticed on here when people complain about grandparents not seeing more of their grandchildren, what they actually resent is the lack of childcare being offered, which is not quite the same thing.

I think it’s reasonable to want GPs who are in good health to do a bit of occasional weekend babysitting or to cover in an emergency, but I do think it’s a bit much to expect regular weekday cover in lieu of nursery. Apart from being exhausting, it’s very restrictive at a time when GPs might want to be taking more term time holidays or keeping social commitments.

pontipinemum
'”it takes a village” mentality seems to be truly dead. And what a shame. No wonder everyone is depressed and isolated.'' - I agree. So many people say they want a village/ there is no village. But then don't want to be an active member of the village themselves

To be fair all the talk nowadays is of boundaries, there’s threads at the moment of how parents/ in laws want to see the baby too much/ dh’s who want to go visiting family and the op doesn’t want him to go but doesn’t want him to take the baby eithrr we let, there’s actually a lot of these threads, when did you let in-laws over to meet the baby, the in laws are coming over too much etc. People say this and then come toddler years they wonder why they don’t have their parents or in laws bounding to help (not a go by the way but I am struck of how few people want family visiting etc, probably because I miss my own and really like my in laws

It was very normal when the people who are now grandparents were of working age themselves. My grandparents practically raised me while my mum was working (part-time but I stayed with them most of the time). I find it interesting that her generation doesn't seem to feel the same obligation towards their own children.

Yeah, they're rubbish.

Your kids and all that, but if you swapped them at random for another set of grandparents, you'd most likely end up with some who were a lot more involved. So I'd say most people probably have it better than you.

With more and more people who want to be grandparents not getting to be, it's a shame there isn't a way to "trade".

And for those defending them, it sounds like your parents are probably on better terms with next door's dog than their own grandchild.

To be fair to your parents re childcare, I'll say this. For many people who have worked and retired, there is often a very small window where we are able to go out and about, see a bit more of the world, have a hobby that might be more active than just knitting, before age, ill health, being widowed leads to the inability to do those things . I'm older, I worked all my adult life, I worked full time when my kids were young and had to pay for childcare. It's becoming normal for both parents to work, so when retirement arrives the thinking is ' well nows my time '.
I'm sorry that your children don't see grandparents as much as you like, but childcare might well not be their idea of retirement.

We all have an image of motherhood in our heads that ended up being totally different in real life. This is just one aspect of it. You can't control how people behave, what they are capable or willing to do etc.

I sympathise! My mum lives quite far from us, but even if she didn't, she's absolutely hopeless with my toddler. She definitely wears the 'nanna' title as a badge, but doesn't indulge in it as an activity 😅She has looked after him exactly 0 times, and I do feel a pang of envy when I see other grandparents helping out. Its hard without a village! That being said, she does contribute financially a bit, which helps. Our lack of support has seriously encouraged me to reconsider whether I might be 'one and done' after all.

My parents are the same, except they give my sibling who had children first LOT of child care (and they also have amazingly helpful in-laws - mine are elderly and can’t/ won’t do anything). It’s hurtful and makes life quite tricky in a lot of ways. I feel your pain!

It’s not so much ageist, but about parenting style. Boomers were much more relaxed than parents are today. They opened their front door and said go out to play, which the kids did all day! Today, parents are responsible for their kids entertainment 24/7 and around FT work. Many Boomers had bigger families who lived close by, they’d just pop in and the cousins would play together. Families are smaller now and very spaced out. I just don’t think ‘all’ Boomers realise how much harder parenting is these days vs their day and can’t see that their DC bringing up their DGC may need help and support!

Things will change next generation once again - for the better though. Us ‘current’ mothers are wise to what help our DC will need with their DC as we’ve lived through this ‘new parenting world’ and will be there to support them.

Where did you get the idea the op is after regular childcare, which is a significant commitment?

As many posters will say it's not a given. My folks had help from gparents and have helped as much as they could and can, given they are ageing , they will still try to do , which I am enormously grateful for. The care and contact has meant a fantastic relationship between children and gparents, which is lovely and was what I and my siblings had with ours. I think it's sad if gparents don't want to help if they could, but I understand that some cannot. It is telling that people don't want their parents to move in if they need care! I know it would be difficult but I would move/change accomodation if it was best for my folks. What goes around comes around!

Hey, I'm sorry you're experiencing this. I had the same catharsis and realisation that I wasn't going to get the support I needed. I can especially relate to seeing others get support. In my case it wasn't really about childcare but just a lack of interest from my mum and planning to spend time with my child.

It's really disappointing, so I totally know where you're coming from. I started to notice it when my child was about 3 months old, but I felt much worse about it once I'd gone back to work and the reality kicked in of balancing everything. Our families both live a distance away, but for a while, very little effort was made by both sides to visit us. I brought it up a couple of times with my mum (once upset, postnatal, bit depressed and not really making any sense, and once again when my daughter was about 2 and feeling more rational asking for a bit more support). Both times I was brushed off, she denied it was an issue, said she does everything she can (she doesn't) and insinuated I had nothing to complain about because I have a healthy child, "good job", "nice house", etc - she couldn't see why I was struggling as everything was OK on paper. She also looks down on friends who have changed their lives to do childcare for grandchildren.

Things have somewhat improved as my child has got older as my mum wants to spend more time with her - I don't think she wanted to help at the baby stage. However she's still not the hands on grandparent I expected she would be. In your situation it may be different if you were to raise it with them - my mum took it all very much as an attack, but she is that type of person.

I don't really have any words of wisdom. But for me, I've spent over 2 years now figuring this all out and one of the things that's helped has been accepting the situation for what it is and being grateful for the time we do spend together. Also, my husband and I are even closer as we split everything down the middle so that we both get breaks - we are each other's village in that sense. I've also made some friends locally who I know would help out if I was struggling. x

Did you spend a lot of time with your grandparents when you were younger OP? I often find on these types of threads that the expectation/hope of grandparent help stems from the fact that the poster themselves spent a significant amount of time with their own grandparents when they were younger so can’t understand why their parents aren’t willing to do the same.

Good god what is the world coming to - some of these comments. Perfectly reasonable to feel sad about this OP, lots of grandparents love seeing their grandchildren. There is quite a difference between seeing your GC and being part of their family, but not wanting to provide childcare for them, and just being disinterested which it sounds like they are in your case (which is hurtful). It’s also hugely unsupportive of you as their actual daughter.

Fuck the comments about having children ‘being your choice’ - if none of us had children, there would be literally no society left!!! Making the choice doesn’t mean that parents should shoulder every ounce of the burden, which is absolutely enormous now even compared to 20 years ago in a digital age, with stuff coming at us from every angle 24 hours a day, and an absolute necessity for both parents to work. I am so so sick of that line - we might choose children, we don’t choose the sickness, difficulties sleeping, neuro diversity, logistics, cost of living and the constant organising required in this day and age. Children always needed a village, now more than ever - so do their parents. YANBU

This is the important question

Just wondering OP have you asked them if they’d like to help out with any childcare? If not perhaps they’re just taking your lead and waiting to see if you’d like them to help? I ask because everyone is different, I have a two year old and a six month old and I’ve never had either set of grandparents look after either of my children in the time they’ve been alive, but that’s how I prefer it. They visit regularly but as far as childcare goes I’d rather just look after them myself, so for all your parents know maybe they think this is how you feel and don’t want to suggest it?

I think though grandparents have their own lives to live and I’m sure you’ll hear from many posters here that you’re being entitled to even expect GP’s to glance in your direction never mind lightening your load!! I think it’s a massive shame when grandparents don’t help out. My parents lived 300 miles away when my children were born but they made the drive a couple of time a year and stay for almost a week, I’d go to them too and they would absolutely love spending time with my children. My mum would always insist as soon as we arrived that dh and I must go out for a meal just us two. It was wonderful and definitely how my whole family are. it is also how I will be as a grandparent. I may have done my ‘time’ but I couldn’t look at my daughter and not think about how much I could help her by babysitting or just giving her a break!