To get no help with childcare from grandparents

[Maxi77]

Since my nearly 14 month old daughter was born, I've had very little help from my parents. I'd estimate they've seen her once every two months at best, despite living a 20 min drive away. In terms of actual child care, it would be an hour and a half total (at most) since she was born, most of which was looking after her while i had to pick DH up from hospital. Yes they are older, and I by no means expect lots of free childcare, but I can't help but feel disappointed that I don't get any help (especially now I'm back at work) and DC really has no real relationship with them. I honestly think they love the idea of a grandchild and talking to their friends about it/wearing it has a badge of honour, but are thoughtless/selfish in term's of actually providing any help. Their 'activities' or having the cleaner over takes priority over providing any help. DHs parents live very far away, but have made far more of an effort to see her. I do feel somewhat envious when I see other grandparents pushing their grand kids around or taking them to activities. Or friends of mine who are able to go out and leave baby with their mums.

AIBU to feel like I've got a raw deal?

Gosh it was cathartic to write this down!

You seem to be avoiding giving their age, It makes a huge difference! If they're in their 80s then you're being unreasonable, if they're in their 60s maybe not.

I became a grandparent in my 40's and did loads of childcare - we got three in two years and they all stayed with us for weekend sleepovers. I'm now 67 with a great-granddaughter who is 6. There is no way I could have looked after her as a toddler - my energy levels simply would not have allowed me to keep up with her. However it wasn't an issue as we're a big family who all help out. We love spending time with our DGG - she's a pleasure to be around.

Alternatively, my DH brother and wife are in their late 70s and their grandchildren have just recently started school. They have done an immense amount of caring and absolutely love spending time with theirs, but they do find it exhausting. They do it because they love their kids and grandchildren and want to help them.

However that doesn't excuse your parents for having no interest in the child, they're missing out on so much. I guess you now know you don't have to put any effort into the assistance they will definitely need as their age becomes greater.

It’s a very different thing to go out for lunch, than it is to look after an active toddler. If they’re long retired, they must be older and I can tell you that the spirit is willing, but the energy isn’t.

Do you go to see them or invite them to you, without the expectation of childcare? When my grandchildren were babies and small children, we saw them regularly and looked after them regularly, when we weren’t working. I couldn’t do it now.

This is so sad OP. Our first GC arrives in a few months, and II'll be providing free childcare for at least 2 days a week when DDIL's maternity leave is over. We live about the same sort of distance from DS and DDIL, and I'm so looking forward to being a hands-on GP. I'm retired now, but I keep myself very fit and active so that I can help as much as possible with any GC. I know not all GPs can provide the same level of support, but I don't understand why they wouldn't want to spend as much time as possible with their GC, I really don't.

I hate the 'they've raised their children, now ita time for you to raise yours' type responses. The OP isn't asking for help raising children or regular childcare, just the odd ad hoc bit of babysitting/ some kind of interest in having a relationship with their grandchildren. It's normal to feel upset that your parents don't care that you never ever have a break, or that they don't seem to care about your children

It's hard not to feel sad about it. My parents are both still working full time as they had us very young. My dad rarely does childcare but then they run around after my step brothers kids so I kind of get that. My mum helps where she can, often takes annual leave to cover school holidays and covers weekends occasionally. Both of my parents are about half an hour away. My in laws are 3 1/2 hours away and offer when they can. My MIL often comes for a week in the summer school holidays to help DH and myself not to have to take so much annual leave.

Oh, I wouldnt want to be doing this either. I want to travel when I retire, not to be doing regular childcare. But there is a middle ground.

Are your parents from the Boomer generation?

You’ll grow to resent them. I resented my ILs, until my children were old enough to be left at home by themselves, as they just were not there to help in anyway and they also lived only 20 minutes away. They now wonder why my kids are not bothered about visiting them or why we rarely invite them anywhere - why should we? My own family live in a different country so I can excuse them but tbh, they would have been equally useless (also Boomers) if they lived next door!

Its absolutely is disappointing and yes, you do feel like you got a raw deal because you did! So many of us do!

The only difference between you and I is that these are YOUR parents not your ILs. Tell them to pull their finger out and be ‘great’ grandparents and tell them you feel you’ve currently got a raw deal compared to other working mothers, and you’re envious of the help they get. If this doesn’t wake them up, nothing will. They may surprise you (after a little sulk) and step up!

You can’t expect childcare, although of course it’s nice, however I would be disappointed that my parents made little effort to see my child especially as they are only 20 mins away

Depends on their age really? I had quite a lot of support with my eldest when my parents were early to mid 60s but when twins came along not so much - the 5 year age difference had a huge impact and even I can see my mum has a lot less energy (and patience) in her early 70s than 5 years ago

personally I think it’s what happens when people wait to have children later in life - the grandparents are older and naturally don’t wan/can’t help out and be the “village” everyone says it takes to raise children and then it leads to resentment posts like these

Think the OP is doing all of the running and her parents are showing little to no interest and that is the main issue rather than wanting or expecting full days of childcare.

But either way if they only live 20 minutes away you would think they would want to see their daughter and GC more frequently than is the case.

What a lot of ageist bull shit !!

So they have to give 18+ years of their lives to raising the OP and giving her literally everything she needs to live AND do the same to HER child before they're deserving of help later in life?

Wow.

Whether it's reasonable or not to expect help really depends on a lot of factors, you've said they are retired and are physically capable of helping so that's part of it, but did they help with other GCs (if they are any), did they say while you were pregnant or before that they would like to provide regular help, have you indicated to them that you would like help? Depending on all of this it may not be reasonable to have expected it.

It is however perfectly reasonable and understandable to be disappointed and upset that you don't get it. I'm in a similar position (I knew I wouldn't get much help) but it's hard to see other mums get date nights with their partner, weekends away, just time to go shopping or clean the house etc because they have help you don't get. It's ok to want that, and to be sad if you don't have it.

Try gently talking to them and asking if they would be willing to help out as hoc. Maybe if there's a particular occasion or something ask them to watch your DC for a couple of hours and see, maybe they'll want to help.

This. Pretty disappointing tbh. It’s not unusual to hear that having grandchildren is the best thing in the entire world and even better than having kids. My parents were always sending us off to stay with their parents’. I stayed at my grandma’s once a week for years when I was a preschooler. Far from remarkable.

@Maxi77I think you need to separate their relationship with you/their grandchild from whether they help out.

They have no obligation to provide childcare if they don’t want to and it might feel disappointing but it’s not unfair of them.

But if they are making no effort to have a relationship with your daughter then I can understand you feeling pissed off. As someone else asked, what was the relationship like before this? If you rarely saw them then it hasn’t really changed.

How often did you see them before you had your DD?

I find this so odd … 20 min away and they’ve seen so little of her!

We were so lucky with my in laws … they had our DDs three times a week whilst we worked … I didn’t expect it but they were fab and had a wonderful close relationship with our girls.

We lost them both last year and my adult DDs were devastated.

I plan to be as hands on as I’m allowed if I’m lucky enough to become a grandmother

It is what it is. Some grandparents are keen to be involved some less so. As to helping (presumably you mean with child care) - I guess they do not see that as their job. That's OK.

Personally as a grandmother I think they are missing out on what has been a njoy for me, but we are all different. Sometimes older people want to relax and enjoy a bit of peace after a lifetime of work and care.

All the comments saying “you had your child so bring it up yourself”…lol.

I’m sure your grandparents gave your parents a hand here and there. I know mine did. When you are part of a family it is NORMAL to want to interact with others in that family, hang out with them, help them…

”it takes a village” mentality seems to be truly dead. And what a shame. No wonder everyone is depressed and isolated.

also, when your parents need care in their last years I assume they will think it’s ok when you only go over for an hour every 14 months. And if they say “well I raised you, you owe me” then they will agree when you point out it was “their choice” to have you, not yours, as a comparison to many of the pp in this thread are saying it’s your choice to have had your daughter, no one else’s.

I think their lack of involvement is selfish. You aren’t asking for regular childcare, just an afternoon here or there and some interest. I’m sorry you aren’t managing to get a break as those early years are tough x

Good Lord, we will still travel! We'll have 4-5 days free every week for short breaks and we already go away on long-haul holidays twice a year, and that won't change. We've already discussed this with DS and DDIL; in fact they were the ones who mentioned it, as they don't want us to change our lives completely and have already said how grateful they are for the childcare they'll have from us.

@Maxi77 i think YANBU to be upset that your parents show little interest in your children. That would hurt me. My parents live 4 hrs away but my mum (also retired) video calls most weeks/ asks how we are and would happy to have my 19 month old over night when it works logistically - my husband actually wfh at their house when I needed to attend a work event for a few nights.

re childcare as others have said - you’re not owed childcare by grandparents but I would also expect my parents to help out if they lived that close. Was there any discussion about how often they would see your dc when you were pregnant ? Have you brought this up with them? You say they have never come to you have you explicitly asked and said - “partner and i need a day / evening to sort bits can you have dc”. When you say they prioritise activities / cleaner is that an excuse they give when you ask them or is that what you perceive them to be prioritising. I do find this can be quite difficult but ultimately it would be better for everyone if your DC had a better relationship with their gp so you may need to sit them down and talk it through and find out what the barriers are

I completely agree and had very similar with GPs. What helped me was reading somewhere about people being either “peer oriented” or “family oriented”. GPs in our family were either NC or fully peer oriented. Sounds like your parents are the same. Sad for them (they will hugely miss out), sad for you, and sad for your DC but ultimately their choice.

I’d be disappointed at the infrequent visits - is that them coming to you, you going to them or a combination of both?

But I think it’s rather telling that the only thing you seem to miss is the childcare, rather than their company itself.

Yes, that’s very sad but it’s clearly a choice they’ve made that they aren’t bothered about being close to their grandchildren (which is obviously their right). Your kids aren’t likely to want much of a relationship with people they only see once every couple of months for a short time.

The only way it would really be unfair though is if they still then later expect you to “step up” and help out with elder care as things get harder for them, or complain about their grandchildren rarely visiting them once they are eventually more housebound.

While obviously relationships aren’t strictly transactional, the fact is you often “get what you give” as it were.

If your kids don’t know them enough, address it, invite them over and go over to theirs. As for the childcare, it’s a tough one, I have a friend who’s mother helps out with her baby, she used to mind her one day a week, they had a fight one day and the other admitted she couldn’t handle babies anymore, was exhausted and absolutely fed up, my friend had no clue, and her mum was just gone 60, great health etc

I don't think theres anything wrong with wishing your closest relatives had more to do with youre children, we are a mammalian social species not lizards who lay eggs and bugger off. An extreme example but there seems such alot of push back on here when people say they wish their parents spent more time with their grandkids, and I often notice those people actually had lovely relationships with their own grandparents. So their parents benefited from their children having a relationship with their parents but don't pass that down the generations essentially.

I don't think grandparents should be free childcare unless they explicitly want to be/are able to be, parenthood is hard and I can see why they want to enjoy retirement from that burden of responsibility tbh, but it sounds like you'd just like them to want to see you all more and ask to, make time for and prioritise seeing you and your kids for a change.