To feel like I’ve destroyed my life

[TheyDontKnowWhy]

Six months after separating from H and I can’t get over the feeling of having nuked my entire life. I planned to leave H in secret and had a whole house set up ready to move into.

I know if I listed the reasons that you would all tell me I’m being ridiculous and I’m much better off now but the consequences have been catastrophic.

My parents are devastated and I’m consumed with guilt at causing them so much worry as they are both elderly. It feels like the equivalent of dumping a whole rubbish bin at their door.

I feel I’ve ruined my kids lives and caused so much upset for everyone. Oldest has chosen to remain with his Dad and is very angry.

I miss my old life, the lovely little village I used to live in, being a part of a family and all of us being together.

Reasons for leaving-
Years of name calling.
In arguments he would tell me to do everyone a favour and kill yourself.
Threatening to urinate on my clothes in an argument.
Threats of physical harm
When one of our children was a baby he said if I took him away he would kill me.
Shouting out in public that I’m an abuser.
An incident involving our youngest which was deeply upsetting which I’ve posted about before.
Tell me no wonder I have no friends
Call me a bunny boiler and say I am indifferent to our children. Also that I ignored our oldest when he was a baby (I had PND)

lots more which I won’t go into. He knows why I left and says how could he ever trust me again and how I’ve ruined everyone’s lives.

I know this is a terrible list. He had “improved” and our lives had calmed down with fewer arguments. Some of these things were from years ago. Things were “normal” when I left.

He was also -
Funny
Generous with gifts on birthdays/christmas
Intelligent
We could enjoy each other’s company, go for meals, coffees and walks
He worked hard
We had nice family days out and holidays.
we were financially comfortable.
We had a whole life which has now been obliterated.

I know I’m being unreasonable but I was also sold the idea of two happy homes being better than one miserable one but it doesn’t feel that way, my children are split and I feel more miserable now than I did in my marriage.

AIBU?

It took me over 2 yrs to feel 100% happy and settled. The first year is always the hardest. You're rebuilding your life and that takes time.

You need to tell your mam that you made your decision and if she cant support you then at the very least she needs to stop giving you her opinion on it. I think you may need to distance yourself from her if she cant stop being negative. Shes dragging you down at a time when you are struggling to stay up. You do not exist to keep other people happy OP. Its time to live for you.

You made the right decision to leave.

Not every mother is a good one, and yours certainly isn't when it counts.

Any mother who puts her needs ahead of supporting fully a child fleeing a clearly highly abusive relationship, is not a good one.

Transition is difficult.
He definitely would have punished you for ever leaving, if you had returned.
He wouldn't be able to control his need to make you pay.

It may seem unpalatable to some but when you have children with abusive men, their DNA are in your children, and some of that DNA can be bad.

They can have those nasty, unkind tendencies, just like their father, and can abuse the parent that has left, just like their father did.

It can be very very painful to witness, endure, and accept.

You do not owe your child the right to abuse you.
You really don't.
You do neither yourself nor them any favour.

See less of your mother and parents, and cut her off when she starts her narcissistic blathering about how leaving YOUR abusive marriage, impacted her.

She is a disgrace as a mother.
Funny how so many women with shit parents end up in abusive relationships.

I think you have dodged a fairly big bullet here OP! Your life has changed ATM,but as time passes you will see its for the best.Saying nasty things like that is hurtful and cruel.Well done for getting away .Try and take each day as it comes and have small treats to look forward to.A film with DC.Nice chocolate /food whatever .Also DM need to be explained to how an abusive man can be cruel and ruin your confidence in all walks of life including work and friends !