To feel like I’ve destroyed my life

[TheyDontKnowWhy]

Six months after separating from H and I can’t get over the feeling of having nuked my entire life. I planned to leave H in secret and had a whole house set up ready to move into.

I know if I listed the reasons that you would all tell me I’m being ridiculous and I’m much better off now but the consequences have been catastrophic.

My parents are devastated and I’m consumed with guilt at causing them so much worry as they are both elderly. It feels like the equivalent of dumping a whole rubbish bin at their door.

I feel I’ve ruined my kids lives and caused so much upset for everyone. Oldest has chosen to remain with his Dad and is very angry.

I miss my old life, the lovely little village I used to live in, being a part of a family and all of us being together.

Reasons for leaving-
Years of name calling.
In arguments he would tell me to do everyone a favour and kill yourself.
Threatening to urinate on my clothes in an argument.
Threats of physical harm
When one of our children was a baby he said if I took him away he would kill me.
Shouting out in public that I’m an abuser.
An incident involving our youngest which was deeply upsetting which I’ve posted about before.
Tell me no wonder I have no friends
Call me a bunny boiler and say I am indifferent to our children. Also that I ignored our oldest when he was a baby (I had PND)

lots more which I won’t go into. He knows why I left and says how could he ever trust me again and how I’ve ruined everyone’s lives.

I know this is a terrible list. He had “improved” and our lives had calmed down with fewer arguments. Some of these things were from years ago. Things were “normal” when I left.

He was also -
Funny
Generous with gifts on birthdays/christmas
Intelligent
We could enjoy each other’s company, go for meals, coffees and walks
He worked hard
We had nice family days out and holidays.
we were financially comfortable.
We had a whole life which has now been obliterated.

I know I’m being unreasonable but I was also sold the idea of two happy homes being better than one miserable one but it doesn’t feel that way, my children are split and I feel more miserable now than I did in my marriage.

AIBU?

Print your first list out and put it on your fridge . Read it everyday. All abusive men are also charming. That's how they keep their hooks in.

Honestly everyone in your life sounds manipulative and it doesn’t make sense

how is your batty mother telling you “he will destroy you” if you ever went back (does that mean kill you?)

yet is encouraging you to go back to him? I’d just shred her opinion and file it as senile.

It doesn’t make sense that a normal, loving mother would want her daughter to go back to an abusive man that will “destroy” you.

your son, honestly likely is being manipulated by his dad. Your son likely witnessed the abuse or experienced similar. His behaviour is just self preservation at this point. But regardless the onus shouldn’t be on you to tolerate it forever to give your son an easy life. Under the circumstances I’d give serious weight to distancing yourself from your son’s commentary and think about reconnecting when he’s out of that environment

Now read the second updated list and read it again and make it your phone screen. First list was from years ago! Are you the same person you were 10yr ago?

I’m sorry OP, it sounds really tough. I think you’re missing the IDEA of the idyllic family life in a cute village. You never actually had that, not really. Some happy moments but not true happiness due to the abuse. Your H’s behaviour may have improved but anyone who could do and say those things is vile. Things are hard now but hopefully in a few years you and the DC will be in a better place.

It’s early days, and a split is always hard especially when there are in laws entangled, children, a family home and decades of history. Of course your emotions will bounce around - and the “Sliding Doors” feelings are normal; it’s only human to doubt and regret and wonder about the road not taken.

You put up with an unhappy marriage for so long - part of you is telling yourself you could have put up with it longer, you could have found a way to carve out a meaningful existence as the partner of someone who treats you badly. Part of you thinks you don’t deserve happiness if it is at the expense of others’. But in reality - it didn’t work for you. You yearned for freedom, a chance to live life in a different way.

Of course your son wants to stay in his familiar home and I’m sure your ex has done a fine job painting himself as the innocent victim here. Everyone feels injured. Everyone wishes for a different, easier and happier outcome. Tweens and teens in particular struggle with marital breakdown - teens are inherently often selfish creatures, and your happiness isn’t their primary concern. And tweens just want everything to go back to normal.

As for your parents - it seems like your mum is at the forefront of this guilt-trip they are piling onto you. With hindsight, would you have brought them in earlier to understand how truly miserable you felt? Either way perhaps you should let your mum know that whilst you acknowledge her sadness you did what you needed to do and if she is struggling to come to terms perhaps she needs to seek her own therapy separately. Remember she may have made a similar decision in her marriage and decided to stick it out.

And remember you weren’t just a little bit unhappy - it was years of being treated badly that led to this. In a year or two, things will settle - may not be perfect but you will be facing a chance of a better future, the one you won for yourself.

YANBU - your confidence was destroyed by an abusive man and it will take time to rebuild it.

You absolutely did the right thing in leaving & I have huge respect for you for managing to do so after being so worn down by your husband.

You have saved yourself from a life of humiliation! Isn’t that something to be proud of? You helped yourself -no one else did!

It sounds as though your mother set you up for abuse. The way she treated you meant you were easily exploited by a horrible man because you associated relationships with fear and lack of respect. The vile things she is saying now are just a continuation of this.

In one sense you have blown up your life- but that is because your life was made rotten by your husband’s abuse. The pretty village home was just a facade over something very dark.

Please focus now on being kind to yourself and on taking little steps to do things that you enjoy. Maybe think of one thing a month that you could do for yourself - just one. I would also distance yourself from your parents, whose attitudes have I suspect been a huge cause of the misery you have suffered.

It will take a while to feel better. Life will not suddenly become rosy, particularly given the mental damage you have endured. Could you invest in a little therapy? Is there a group for abuse survivors in your area?

I left my abusive partner 10 years ago. It was really hard and there was a long period when I felt like you. Now though I am so glad I did! I have a new partner and self-respect and realise how absolutely awful my ex was. I am sure you can get to a positive place - just recognise it will take time.

You need to give yourself time to heal. It will take a long time to recover and get to a happy place. But you will get there. Focus on the positives and your children especially your relationship with the elder one.

Don't look back, he won't change.

Hey also - go listen to Ob la di Ob la da (The Beatles) - it’s a pleasant fiction of a simple life where Molly does all the work in the household, glues the family together, and life goes on. No one asks what Molly thinks of all this, from the outside it looks lovely. Perhaps it is, perhaps it isn’t. But no one is inside Molly’s marriage the way she is to be able to say for sure.

Its a little like having a long term condition that will kill you if untreated, and having an operation to cure it, that makes you feel much worse, temporarily, but after recovery will result in good health.
This is your recovery period, and healing hurts. The time and space away from the abuse allows your mind to settle on other things and worry about them in its place. This is in part because your marriage has trained your mind to be anxious and miserable, and it takes a while to relearn peace and joy.
My advise is to be strict about not looking back. You are where you are, and you've a future to forge for you and your DC. Focus on preparing for that future by looking after your physical and mental health and look forward with hope.
The good things about your husband are not rare qualities. Most decent people have them and you can find them again if you wish without the need for abuse and fear to be part of the deal.

Hugs op. It’s still early days. The effects of his abuse is still playing out. Everyone needs time to settle. And well done to you for leaving. That is no easy task. One day at a time. How old are the kids?

Your dps are ridiculous op. Take their advice and bin it...
Are they worried what the neighbours are saying? Hell they should be proud of you...

You did the right thing OP. I think a lot of people, in that first hard year after separation/divorce, have feelings of regret and remorse and convince themselves that it wasn't THAT bad, etc. The fact is, your ex is abusive. Most abusers aren't abusive all the time, and he wasn't. So now you're choosing to remember the good bits, plus your DS has chosen to stay with his DF, which must be very hard, but that doesn't mean that you did the wrong thing by leaving. It will take time for you to feel okay and build a new life for yourself, so accept that and give yourself time to heal. I've moved around a lot and I reckon it takes about five years to feel completely at home and at peace in a new place.

I've not been in your shoes but it seems to me that 6 months is quite a short time to adjust to such a big life change.

I also think you've done the right thing. Nobody should have to put up with the abuse you suffered.

Your parents are quite wrong to think you should go back. Perhaps this is part of the problem. You've been brought up with this kind of thinking - that you should just put up with things, not rock the boat, keep up appearances. They are more concerned with how things look than how they are. This is something I do identify with as my parents were the same. It's confusing and it took me years to stop unconsciously doing the same.

You've made a huge decision and deep down you know it's the right one. Work on making your new life work for you.

Your Parents are devastated. What would they rather you'd stayed in an abusive marriage because that was the only alternative.

How unfair of your mum, and toxic, frankly.

I'm sorry they haven't been better. You do deserve better.

Listen, it's very early days. It all sounds very traumatic. Hopefully you have nicer people around to spend time with, if not, look at creating opportunities for this.

Do lovely things with your DC and for yourself. Don't torture yourself with your little boy's reaction. You've saved him from growing up thinking his dad's behaviour was normal.

My ex had a lovely face for the world, for me not so much. It kind of tricks you into thinking you somehow lost out - you didn't.

Keep going. X

So whilst you were with you OH, you were (it sounds like) the only one suffering in the situation and you could contain that and clearly ‘survived’ for a long time accepting that as normal. You then left because no one should live in that kind of environment and now you’re having to face the fact that other people are affected by your choice. But it’s important to remember that your job wasn’t to stick it out with your partner so everyone else was okay. You have to look after yourself too. You deserve more than your ex.

My biggest piece of advice is please go to therapy and talk about these feelings with someone who can guide you through them properly. Because what you’re currently suggesting is that you should’ve perhaps sacrificed your happiness and safety to appease your children and parents. I can understand why you would think this because you did it for years but that doesn’t mean you should’ve stuck with it or tried harder. Your ex’s behaviour destroyed your relationship and you did the only thing you could do - leave.

I know it’s hard but if your mum brings up the crying for days or how this is affecting her, gently say that you understand she’s upset about the situation but hearing how upset she is doesn’t help you feel supported. Your son/kids need time and empathy re this change. Don’t panic and think this is it forever - just be available to them and remind them that you love them. If your son has witnessed his father treat you this way all his life, there’s a chance he will copy some of the behaviours, including the anger. If you can get your kids into therapy too, I highly recommend it. They need an independent person to rant/cry/complain to. They also may need some ‘course correction’ as your ex sounds like the type to manipulate them.

Good on you for leaving. Coercive control - which is what you have suffered - is invisible to most. Your DP probably have no idea what was happening and if you told them would think it was only 'little things'.
Your DH is a narcissist who wants total control over your life. He has damaged your eldest DC, too, which is a thing courts and onlookers miss. An abuser abuses the DC as well.
I don't know what you do about your eldest DC - who may follow your DH in becoming an abuser, sadly - but you stop regretting leaving this awful man who treated you like dirt so that he could totally control your life.
NB the 'lovely behaviour' is part of the coercive control. It unbalances the victim and makes them think that they have got the relationship all wrong and that if they just behave in certain ways all will be well. It won't. Be strong. Divorce the bastard and live a new, free life.

Every single thing on your list of his 'attributes' is negated by the existence of any single item on your first list. This man is abusive, and you're safer away from him. It's natural that you're feeling unsure is natural - you've gone through massive upheaval, life is very different, and it will take time to adjust. Please, please do not go back to this man. Instead, think about accessing support from Women's Aid or similar. Wishing you all the very best, and I'm so glad you escaped that relationship.

I haven't read any of your previous posts OP, but just remember you're only in the early days and it's always hard to massively change your life, even if for the better. It's normal that there are things about your previous life that you miss, and normal that you miss the good side of him too. One thing that struck me reading your "pros and cons" list is that abusive partners can definitely be nice to you sometimes - if they didn't have good qualities too, you wouldn't have put up with the bad times. The "nice/funny" side of him is part of the way he kept you trapped. But on balance, a good person and partner doesn't do any of the things on your "reasons to leave" list. He was horrible to you and I'm happy for you that you aren't living with that cruelty any more. I hope you thrive xx

Tell your parents that they're clear on why you left, and that they've said themselves that he would destroy you if you returned, so you won't be returning and you don't want to hear them mention that as an option anymore.

To be honest, it shows you their mentality quite clearly. They know you'd not be happy if you went back, that you'd be in danger, but they'd prefer that to live behind the facade and tell themselves you're happy. That's quite possibly why they didn't notice anything during your marriage.

Your son is dealing with his emotions. His face will lessen in your memory, in time. He's a child. It's good that he can be honest with you about how he feels.

I can't imagine believing that someone was intelligent and good to spend time with, when they were constantly demeaning me and threatening to urinate on my clothes, or declaring I'm an abuser. How can those things co-exist? He wasn't lovely to be around. He had good moments, and you had a comfortable life, but it wasn't a good life for you.

Six months is early days. You've massively reduced the chances that your son will mirror the behaviour he's seen when he has his own relationships, because he'll see you in healthy ones, and his Dad won't be his only example. You're still grieving and climbing, but you'll get there x

I don't think many people realise the enormous effort and changes you have to adapt to once you have come out off a long term relationship.
It's not plain sailing.
I think you need to give yourself time, to rebuild a different way of life, a different you. You can't bring the same patterns and ways of thinking into your new chapter.
You have to completely commit to a new start, not still have one leg propping up old door because it feels more familiar.

I haven't read the full thread, sorry.

But OP 6 months is nothing. Absolutely nothing.

You are probably experiencing long term trauma. And possibly some PTSD. You need therapy or to speak to a GP who can suggest orgs that can help or other things.

Expect it to take longer to overcome these feelings. It may take years. Do not put a cage around yourself by telling yourself that 'you ought' to feel better by now. There's no 'ought to' with these things. There's only dealing with things in a healthy way and that might mean getting support and reframing mentally your expectations. And it will definitely mean TIME. You have experienced years of emotional degradation and confidence undermining. It takes time for the soul to recalibrate.

You cannot live your life for your parents. So be logical with your feelings of guilt. Reverse it in your head: would you be upset with your child if they left an abusive relationship? Or proud of their strength? Even if you disagreed somewhat, I imagine you would reason that things must not have been good. Now extend that grace to yourself.

It's not uncommon for sons to take sides with abusive fathers unfortunately, there's some psychology behind this, but remember parenting is continuing to show up even when the kids are making decisions that you disagree with and might be hurtful to you. Love goes a long way in overcoming difficulties, so continue to do everything you can to affirm your love. Be constant. Do not criticise your ex to him. Do things together if he agrees. But even if he says no, keep offering. Try to keep conversations positive and neutral. With time his eyes will open. But if you respond with hurt, it will backfire.

You have done the right thing. Of course it all feels very shitty ATM and provocations might set you back temporarily, but I promise you it will improve. You won't see it now, but things can be better than they were before. You need to focus on self care, and healing. That's your first priority💐

He destroyed your life. Through his choices.
You saved yourself. You are teaching your kids that being treated like that is not acceptable..leaving means they are less likely to end up in a similar unhealthy relationship.
Write that list in your phone notes with the starting sentence of 'I am teaching myself and my children that it is not acceptable for anyone to...' and everytime you doubt yourself you need to read that, over and over. What would you advise a friend? Get out. You're doing the right thing.

The aftermath is hard, I'm two years in and there are still struggles with the kids struggling with two homes. Mainly because my ex is still abusive to me through the kids, if he was prioritising his kids it would be easier. So I focus on making our home together safe, loving, routine orientated to provide stability. We have movie nights, game nights and other traditions, talk about the highs and lows of our day at dinner, lots of praise. Quality time.
For your child that is still living with dad: send text full of love, no negativity, remind them you're always there for them, have them round even for an hour for dinner and don't talk about the heavy stuff unless they bring it up. Accept amd agree with their feelings, they are valid! Accept where you could have done better, and do not tell them adult issues. Saying that you weren't happy or safe is reason enough.

1.5 year ls after, once court was done for us, I realised one night that I was so much better. The kids were so much better off. We had a routine, we were happier and it was all worth it. The only stress is when the kids come back and ex has said things he shouldn't- but I remind myself it is better that the kids have a home that is safe and away from that stuff.

Your confidence is totally shot because you were in a controlling relationship. Give yourself at least a year and I'm confident you will begin to see the relationship for what it was.

It's tough but you will be fine in time

@TheyDontKnowWhy absolutely this! Would you want a husband like this for your dd? Definitely not, you did the right thing in leaving this man, and if your parents think you should go back to an abusive relationship, I’d be going lc with them.