To feel like I’ve destroyed my life

[TheyDontKnowWhy]

Six months after separating from H and I can’t get over the feeling of having nuked my entire life. I planned to leave H in secret and had a whole house set up ready to move into.

I know if I listed the reasons that you would all tell me I’m being ridiculous and I’m much better off now but the consequences have been catastrophic.

My parents are devastated and I’m consumed with guilt at causing them so much worry as they are both elderly. It feels like the equivalent of dumping a whole rubbish bin at their door.

I feel I’ve ruined my kids lives and caused so much upset for everyone. Oldest has chosen to remain with his Dad and is very angry.

I miss my old life, the lovely little village I used to live in, being a part of a family and all of us being together.

Reasons for leaving-
Years of name calling.
In arguments he would tell me to do everyone a favour and kill yourself.
Threatening to urinate on my clothes in an argument.
Threats of physical harm
When one of our children was a baby he said if I took him away he would kill me.
Shouting out in public that I’m an abuser.
An incident involving our youngest which was deeply upsetting which I’ve posted about before.
Tell me no wonder I have no friends
Call me a bunny boiler and say I am indifferent to our children. Also that I ignored our oldest when he was a baby (I had PND)

lots more which I won’t go into. He knows why I left and says how could he ever trust me again and how I’ve ruined everyone’s lives.

I know this is a terrible list. He had “improved” and our lives had calmed down with fewer arguments. Some of these things were from years ago. Things were “normal” when I left.

He was also -
Funny
Generous with gifts on birthdays/christmas
Intelligent
We could enjoy each other’s company, go for meals, coffees and walks
He worked hard
We had nice family days out and holidays.
we were financially comfortable.
We had a whole life which has now been obliterated.

I know I’m being unreasonable but I was also sold the idea of two happy homes being better than one miserable one but it doesn’t feel that way, my children are split and I feel more miserable now than I did in my marriage.

AIBU?

Your parents may be "anti-divorce" but times change, couples are now generally less inclined to put up with awful behaviour from a partner and no longer "stay together for the sake of the children"... nor should they.
Give yourself time, you will recover some equilibrium.
Two or three years hence I doubt you'll be regretting this decision.

Of course the OP doesn't want that. What are you on about?

One imagines she is here for encouragement and support.

Because that's what going back, which she has considered doing on all other threads, would risk? It was a rhetorical question to emphasise to her why she needs to not go back.

Are you always so literal?!

I voted YABU, because you are BU for beating yourself up like this, even though I can see why as such a massive upheaval is destabilising.

Look at what you've left though - abuse, threats, gaslighting, and by all counts, an utter shit of a man.

Your oldest may have made a choice now, but time will tell whether or not it's a permanent one.

Look after yourself x

The right decision is not always the easiest and most glamorous one ,you will see in time when you rebuilt your life that what you put up with was not ok at all.
You feel this way cause it's only been 6 months and you might not be settled properly yet .
You cant enjoy his company of someone that does those things.

Update - Thank you all for your kind and supportive comments on my post. I’m re-reading them all again and I will keep reading them all whenever I feel any doubt that I made the wrong decision.
I am slowly putting my life back together, I have a job I enjoy, lovely colleagues and next to caring for my children I am prioritising seeing friends and always having something fun to look forward to. I create art, write, garden and I’m doing my best to create a happy, full life 💕 I also attend a weekly coffee morning with Women’s Aid which has been lovely and I am surrounding myself with strong, supportive women.

Lots of you have commented on my Mothers reaction and that has been one of the hardest to deal with, she still comments how she cried for days and is devastated. She says things like “would he even have you back now?” And asks me but what did I do to make him say all those things to me. My Dad says I just need to get back to the house now and she says she’s only having my side of the story (“not that I’m taking his side”) It’s very hard to deal with even though she says she can see why I left and that he sounds like a lunatic! Putting my fingers in my ears and trying to block out her nonsense 🙈

Thank you again everyone, I hope anyone in a similar position has the strength to leave. I am currently pushing through the “shit” and hoping to come out the other side eventually.

It will take more time for you to adjust to your new life.

Take time for yourself to heal, to think, to relax, to decide what you want next.

You have done well to separate & you have your freedom now

Your parents sound awful, even abusive.

Could you reduce contact with them?

Sounds like leaving the cunt was the best thing you could have done for yourself and your children. Just because he never beat the shit out of you, doesn't mean his emotional abuse was ok. Do not ever feel guilty for freeing yourself from this piss poor excuse of a man

Mothers can be odd in these situations, OP. The values they conform to tend to take precedence over their understanding of you.

For example, when I left my patently abusive first marriage my mum really struggled to understand it and kept asking all sorts of questions that made me feel I had acted in haste (I hadn't - it took me nearly two decades to take action!).

I was really surprised, because I thought that of all the people in the world she would understand why I wanted a better life for myself. But I suppose her own approach was to stick with it till death us do part, and she just couldn't think outside that particular box.

Try not to judge yourself through other people's eyes. You didn't go through all this just for a laugh. You put it off as long as you could. You're heading in the right direction. You'll reap the rewards eventually.

Bless you op

In your situation I think id say to my parents
I don't find your supportive
I am ot going to discuss this with you further

Then change the subject

If they try and go back to it
Say I'm not going there with you

And lean on the supportive people in your life
You van do it
You've come so far keep,going x

Op you need to speak to your parents and at least tell them he was awful to you. No detail, but let them know this isn’t a ‘every marriage has a tough patch and they should have tried harder’ situation as a lot of that generation (going by conversations my parents have had over the years). You have done the right thing and have saved your kids from seeing a broken relationship and thinking that was normal. Your eldest will get there x

How are you doing now @tropetty ? 💐

Thank you. I’m glad you had the courage to leave your first husband. It takes a long time to pluck up the courage to leave. My mum really does not understand and says she’s only had my side of the story, why did I marry him if things were that bad, why have another child etc. Until you are in that position I think it’s very difficult to understand how trapped you can feel and how it’s not as simple as just leaving when you have children and no-where to go. Also part of you wants it to work, for you all to be a family. Hope you are living a happy peaceful life now x

This!!

Thank you for the update, I’m glad you are establishing those routines and community for yourself.

My mother once told me that if I was rped that my clothes would have been a factor and she would think that I’d asked for it. At the same time she claimed she was a feminist, but actually what she was was a woman with a ton of internalised misogyny who tried to be more like a man (not like “the other women”, you know?). Your mother is carrying a ton of societal weight and I also wonder if for people who are kind, they can’t believe that abusive people do what they do on purpose- it’s easier for them to accept if there’s a ‘reason’ behind it (a bit like excusing rpe).

I second guessed myself for a long time after leaving my daughter’s dad, not helped by him and his attitude which was that he had only ever done and wanted what was best for all of us, while I was the one constantly dissatisfied. But now I have a contented life with joy and happiness, and my daughter has boundaries that she is able to defend (something I never had) and I can support her when he pulls manipulative stunts on her. Having another voice to counter the gaslighting is really important.

Good luck and strength for your continuing journey.

Well done for leaving your abuser behind after years of trauma.

Do your parents know about the abuse? Because they should be supporting you, not miss your shitty ex...

Make it clear to everyone why you left.

Focus on your new life. You have done the right thing.

I would never live with someone as nasty as that OP. I left my abusive husband and never looked back.

Ohh my life is fantastic now, I wouldn't change a thing and count my blessings daily! It did take me a long time to reach this point, because I didn't just waltz out of an abusive relationship and into a happy, healthy one overnight. There was a bit of a steep learning curve for me to work out first, which took time (including some time alone).

Actually, it makes perfect sense that your mum refuses to see your point of view. One thing I realised after a while is that having my reality dismissed "felt like home" because I was used to it from my family.

In fact, I'd say the most important thing I had to learn was to trust my own version of reality. Leaving an abusive relationship is the first important step in that direction, but not the last. It is however absolutely the bravest and most difficult thing to do because you literally have to insist the sky is blue when you have grown to doubt it, as everyone has always told you it's green!!!!!!