To feel like I’ve destroyed my life

[TheyDontKnowWhy]

Six months after separating from H and I can’t get over the feeling of having nuked my entire life. I planned to leave H in secret and had a whole house set up ready to move into.

I know if I listed the reasons that you would all tell me I’m being ridiculous and I’m much better off now but the consequences have been catastrophic.

My parents are devastated and I’m consumed with guilt at causing them so much worry as they are both elderly. It feels like the equivalent of dumping a whole rubbish bin at their door.

I feel I’ve ruined my kids lives and caused so much upset for everyone. Oldest has chosen to remain with his Dad and is very angry.

I miss my old life, the lovely little village I used to live in, being a part of a family and all of us being together.

Reasons for leaving-
Years of name calling.
In arguments he would tell me to do everyone a favour and kill yourself.
Threatening to urinate on my clothes in an argument.
Threats of physical harm
When one of our children was a baby he said if I took him away he would kill me.
Shouting out in public that I’m an abuser.
An incident involving our youngest which was deeply upsetting which I’ve posted about before.
Tell me no wonder I have no friends
Call me a bunny boiler and say I am indifferent to our children. Also that I ignored our oldest when he was a baby (I had PND)

lots more which I won’t go into. He knows why I left and says how could he ever trust me again and how I’ve ruined everyone’s lives.

I know this is a terrible list. He had “improved” and our lives had calmed down with fewer arguments. Some of these things were from years ago. Things were “normal” when I left.

He was also -
Funny
Generous with gifts on birthdays/christmas
Intelligent
We could enjoy each other’s company, go for meals, coffees and walks
He worked hard
We had nice family days out and holidays.
we were financially comfortable.
We had a whole life which has now been obliterated.

I know I’m being unreasonable but I was also sold the idea of two happy homes being better than one miserable one but it doesn’t feel that way, my children are split and I feel more miserable now than I did in my marriage.

AIBU?

She does this because she was abused and the abuse took the form of coercive control. This saps the spirit and the mind; it's result is lack of confidence, inability to believe what you know happened, inability to understand that you were abused. She needs support and isn't getting it from her parents. Also, it is a good thing to post about abuse, it allows other women who may be in a similar situation to realise that they also are being abused.

6 months is no time. I am divorced for far lesser reasons than you have listed here. I was still reeling after 6 months and that was when I initiated and exH accepted the divorce calmly. Moving, changing the kid's school, adjusting to the new norm... it took a LONG time for my new life to feel normal for me and for our daughter (and probably for exH also, he was still expressing some regret last year, but I suspect that is far more the sadness at losing a domestic slave than losing me specifically).
You have done the right thing now give it all time, it will work out eventually.

You did the right thing leaving him but I fully understand how hard it is, even so. I left my husband for less - he wasn't abusive like that, but he just didn't really love me. I could have kept on going, and kept the nice house and so on, but I didn't want to live like that. It's tough and I've struggled to move on because I feel so guilty about leaving him - even though he's fine! He probably prefers things now tbh as we're amicable and still do loads together with our kids (who are teenagers now anyway). But I feel like I sort of still have one foot in the marriage. It's not straightforward ending a marriage, even when you know it was the right thing to do. And you do know it was, really. Keep plodding on and putting one foot in front of the other. Things will get easier, it'll just take some time.

YANU to miss the good parts of your family life you used to have. That ok. Sorry your family/parents cant see you had to leave such a relationship and are making you feeling guilty. Thats not fair on you.
Could you find some therapy to help you deal with their reactions?
You have obviously done the right thing and you know it. Sometimes knowing isnt enough, is it, the feelings live their own life.

By the way, your mum is being a massive twat. None of this is about her, but she's centring herself in your marriage breakup. Is she a bit of a narcissist by any chance?

You did the right thing. Things had improved because you had accepted emotional abuse as normal. It isn't. You are now much better off. Keep going. Better times will come.

I would say this is more of a natural feeling than is often spoken aloud.
It feels like this now. And it will do for some time yet. You’re grieving the life you had, the family unit - no matter the bad times, you can remember the good times too. And you’re grieving your ‘lost future.’ The one in which you were a family unit.
This is one of those instances where the old saying ‘time is a healer’ is true. It took me several years but looking back I’m more myself now than I could ever of been in my marriage. I feel for my children but they are now at the age where they can see their Dad for who he is.
Time. Give it time.
Also it’s about building a new life. Get some hobbies, go to the gym etc. Fill your life as a distraction and over time that massive hole in your heart starts to scar over. Create a safe home, your own space where you can heal and grow.
Sending lots of love to you.

its still early days and time will help
do you have any pets? Could now be a good time for a cat or dog

think about yourself what you want what hobbies or interests you want to persue

tell your parents the full truth
good luck op

@TheyDontKnowWhy it’s one thing staying in a relationship for the sake of the family unit when you simply don’t love each other anymore, but it’s totally different when there is abuse involved.

Leaving him is not only right for you but it’s the best decision you can make for your kids.

You do not want to model an abusive relationship to your kids - that will have a long lasting, detrimental impact on them and their ability to form healthy relationships themselves.

You are showing them that: abuse is not ok and they should not accept it and that you can stand on your own two feet and recover after surviving abuse.

You are a hero and given time and healing, hopefully your kids can see this too. 💚

You are where you are now.
What has happened is in the past and you can never change that.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

So how to move on?
Firstly I'd book myself a bloody good therapist.
I'd tell my mother that any comments re my marriage aren't helping and it is not something I want to hear her opinions on ever again.
Work on making your new home as comfortable and as cosy as you can.
Sign yourself up for a course to progress your career and another to explore a hobby, bonus points if it's something physical like karate.
Watch yourself for negativity creeping in, you've done an amazingly brave thing, remind yourself that you are strong and can cope with this.
Make an effort to spend quality time with your children. Let them know that they've done nothing wrong, that it's ok for them to still love their dad, that you love them more than anything.

Plant some seeds and watch them grow. Tell yourself that by the time they flower in summer you will be in a better place.

Every single thing on that list had my jaw on the floor soo you absolutely did the right thing. Surely your parents can see the years of toxicity? Your son is probably at an age where dad is still his idol but one day he will understand.
It will get better than this.

I could have written this 6 months after I ended my marriage. It didn’t help that I kept seeing online people posting about how they had zero regrets after divorce, everything was instantly amazing and they felt so much better. I felt I was doing it wrong.
The reality is that it is a long hard road to feeling better but you will get there. I relate to the idea of mourning the relationship you thought you had and the lost future. Others have given good tips, the main thing is to build your own support network now. My family weren’t a lot of help but a few close friends who’d also been through divorce were much better - there is a sisterhood of divorced women.
I wrote down all the horrible things my ex did, which was really cathartic. I would refer to that list sometimes to remind myself. The list in your first post would be a good start.

she has seen how he’s behaved post separation and said she can see why I left, she also says he would destroy me if I went back and punish me forever

Hold on to this, OP, as well as your original list. Your mum understands. Of course you feel bad about "upsetting" them, but you were right to move on and things will work out better eventually.

my parents still hold out hope that we will patch things up

Your parents? Or your dad? Your mum might be silently urging you on because she knows what staying in an unhappy marriage looks like in the long term.

Your parents want you to go back to a man who told you go kill yourself and threatened to piss on all your things...???

It sounds like they get.it now based on the "destroy you" comments but
I think you need to be REALLY clear that you need their support and thst how they behaved has really effected you. Next time she is "crying for days" she needs to give her head a wobble and keep it to herself.

Fucking appalled by their behaviour.
They are probably half the reason you ended stuck with an abuser.

Regarding your son.... remind yourself you are doing the right thing.
Separately my child will be sitting wailing like the world is ending and my heart will be breaking them she will just pause look at me and say something like "mummy what are ypu eating? You smell like chocolate... can I have some?" and then is happy as Larry 🫠

Agree with others life is shades of grey. Im sure the ex has some redeeming qualities (the split may well make him a better father... )

Fear of change is very normal and part.of your sons behaviour is around this too. Give it time.

I am so shocked by the list of things he did to you. That is absolutely awful. Why did you ever accept and tolerate such behaviour (looking to your parents here as you must have been conditioned to believe such behaviour was ok). Well done for escaping - not surprised it feels hard and difficult but it is early days and you’re only just getting used to the massive changes.
You are climbing a mountain right now, and you’re not that far up yet and it looks really steep and overwhelming and hard, but once you get into the swing of the climb you’ll be unstoppable and the peak will be beautiful and peaceful and worth the journey. Keep going.

Are you the poster whose teenage son doesn't want to stay with her since leaving?

Your ex was horribly abusive. You don't deserve the way he treated you. In bringing up your children in that house you're teaching them that this behaviour is ok. Is that what you want for your children, to be abusive husbands and abused wives?

Yanbu to leave your abusive husband
Yabu to think that you've ruined your life.
I reckon the vote split is this because no one can think you're in the wrong

It’s still early days op. Things will settle down. Six months isn’t long and everyone’s feelings/emotions will still be high. Don’t be hard on yourself you have done the right thing and you will be happy again xx

He’s really done a number on you. Well done for getting out, you did exactly the right thing. It’s always tough at first when you split up in these circumstances, but so worth it. Your parents aren’t helping with their guilt trip, they didn’t have to live with an abuser. Don’t feel guilty, but concentrate on rebuilding your life and don’t look back. It will get much, much better as you’re still adjusting. Stay strong. 💪

Sending you a massive hug xx

(And well done for ditching him! You dont need a Jekyll and Hyde in your life)

Oh gosh OP that list. :-(

I wrote a list like this when I left an abusive ex and anytime I felt sad or wobbly I reread it.

Do your parents know all of the horrible ways he treated you?! Perhaps explain to them that they don't need to worry about you.

You are still processing and adjusting. Things will get better.

You can not put a price on self respect x

Is some free counselling (individual ) an option to build your esteem / self worth back up ?

Reading this, it sounds just like my Father. A Jeckyl and Hyde character. The funniest person I have ever known but also the cruelest. Both can be true op, but when the lows outweigh the highs, it’s time to move on.

You are grieving and life will look very different for you in a years time.

Bless you, of course youve done the right thing. Evidence of him not changing is shown in him making it about him and saying he’d never trust you again. 😲 like can you imagine doing all the stuff on the list (and plenty of others as well I’m sure) and not being remorseful? What a sick twisted person he must be. It kind of makes it worse that there are good things. It shows his behaviour was a choice. Have you read the Lundy Bancroft book? You can get it for free online. Once I’d read that there was no going back, I couldn’t unknow that my husband was abusive. I’m 10 years on and he still doesn’t make it easy for me, he’s still in a different league financially but I am ok financially. I am content and relaxed and happy though. Try and just ride this out and be kind to yourself. You are only at the beginning of your recovery from this disgusting brute. I wish you well.