To feel like I’ve destroyed my life

[TheyDontKnowWhy]

Six months after separating from H and I can’t get over the feeling of having nuked my entire life. I planned to leave H in secret and had a whole house set up ready to move into.

I know if I listed the reasons that you would all tell me I’m being ridiculous and I’m much better off now but the consequences have been catastrophic.

My parents are devastated and I’m consumed with guilt at causing them so much worry as they are both elderly. It feels like the equivalent of dumping a whole rubbish bin at their door.

I feel I’ve ruined my kids lives and caused so much upset for everyone. Oldest has chosen to remain with his Dad and is very angry.

I miss my old life, the lovely little village I used to live in, being a part of a family and all of us being together.

Reasons for leaving-
Years of name calling.
In arguments he would tell me to do everyone a favour and kill yourself.
Threatening to urinate on my clothes in an argument.
Threats of physical harm
When one of our children was a baby he said if I took him away he would kill me.
Shouting out in public that I’m an abuser.
An incident involving our youngest which was deeply upsetting which I’ve posted about before.
Tell me no wonder I have no friends
Call me a bunny boiler and say I am indifferent to our children. Also that I ignored our oldest when he was a baby (I had PND)

lots more which I won’t go into. He knows why I left and says how could he ever trust me again and how I’ve ruined everyone’s lives.

I know this is a terrible list. He had “improved” and our lives had calmed down with fewer arguments. Some of these things were from years ago. Things were “normal” when I left.

He was also -
Funny
Generous with gifts on birthdays/christmas
Intelligent
We could enjoy each other’s company, go for meals, coffees and walks
He worked hard
We had nice family days out and holidays.
we were financially comfortable.
We had a whole life which has now been obliterated.

I know I’m being unreasonable but I was also sold the idea of two happy homes being better than one miserable one but it doesn’t feel that way, my children are split and I feel more miserable now than I did in my marriage.

AIBU?

Sometimes you need to be hash to shut your parents down - I cried for days = yes mum I cried for years. I’m glad I felt strong enough to leave. If she continues on remind her this isn’t about her and she should be supporting not stressing you.

Next time your mum says 'she cried for days' you can ask her if she cried for days because she realised that at last you were going to be free of someone who ' Threatened to urinate on your clothes, threatened you, and called me an abuser' or because she felt guilty that she hadn't seen that you being abused and was horrified at what you had endured or because you'd embarrassed them because you broke the sacred bond of marriage?
You poor thing, no pretty home in a village is worth that feeling of dread. Can you find a counsellor? 💐

You have absolutely done the right thing. It was wrong for him to act that way to you - completely unreasonable. It wasn’t a good way for your children to see you. Your parents may be upset but it’s your life and not theirs- they will have had no idea how hard it was to live with and how detrimental to your health and well being. Of course they want a happy ending - but you do too!! Your job is not to please them. I do feel that some counselling might be useful so that you can start to put yourself first in your life.

It does take time to rebuild but you will get there. I am certain. Courage to you and congratulations on getting so far. I’m sure it’s been really hard. Make sure you are honest with people about why you left; don’t excuse him- you will find you have more allies that way.

Your life is not measured by quietly abiding abuse, threats and manipulation. It never was and never will be. You did the compete right thing to move out. HE destroyed everything. Once your pieces slowly come back together you will see this. Sending you love x

All the things you listed are extremely emotional abusive - classed as domestic violence - he threatened to kill you multiple times!

He has probably gaslighted you for so long you are questioning if his behaviour wasn't that bad

This process takes time and these feelings are very natural.

You have the urge to put yourself aside again for the sake of everyone else. This has been your pattern for many years. It's time to break this cycle for your children because one day they may be parents and you have been setting the example to them that in order to be parents, one must demand and one must acquiesce. That's not healthy.

Your husband has shown who he is, over and over. He isn't going to change. He will channel that toxicity towards the children in trying to ruin your standing with them. Expect this. Support your children regardless.

The road ahead is difficult, but it's the right one.

Time is a great healer, you cannot speed it up.

Good luck, OP.

Bloody hell he sounds awful! Would your parents really want you to have stayed with someone like that? Have you told them the things he said to you?

You didn't destroy everything. He did. That's what abusers do. Keep telling all your critics you don't live with abusers.
It will all get better. Ive been there. Its hard at first but it definitely gets better.

It gets better, I promise. I left my ex in a similar way. He was a complete arsehole. Emotionally abusive, had affairs, terrible with money and an overal crap father. I took our then one year old and moved into a lovely little house, the week before covid hit! He had to go and stay with a friend as our old houses tenancy was up. His poor credit and lack of financial control meant he couldn’t afford or get a rental (6 years on and he’s still a lodger, moving every few months)

Thise first few months were so hard but then you start to realise how good it feels not to be abused, to have control, safety and you start to get your confidence back. You find your new normal and one day your kids will understand. They’ll also adapt to your new situations.

Hang in there OP. It will all be worth it.

Your reasons to leave list is shocking.
You have definitely done the right thing.

I feel it might have included things like ‘black eye’ or ‘beat me up’ if you’d have stayed and written this in years to come.

I also think what you have done is a fantastic thing as a parent- what an example you have set to your children; that this is not ok and abuse is not ok. Have you heard of gingerbread? It’s a charitable organisation for single parents; it’s amazing and I think would benefit you to find a tribe of people who have been through similar.

Stay strong. Let go of all the guilt - you owe no one nothing and it doesn’t matter what your parents, or anyone else, thinks or feels. You come first here. xxxx

He has done a number on your dc and made them believe that you are the problem. In time they may discover the truth. Easy to say this but try not to focus on him and the harm he has done to you. Keep as far away from him as you can and get on with you having the best life possible starting with self care. They will begin to see who is the decent one.

What @rainonfriday said. Beautifully put.

OP, you are unreasonable to consider going back to him but you are not unreasonable to be experiencing all these feelings.

Sending you peace and 💐

Longterm you did the right thing.
He sounds awful and you obviously put up with it for long enough.
Its mental when parents make these huge life choices all about themselves. They are being selfish making you feel guilty. That is another form of abuse. You must see that they should have supported you and not try to convince you to go back to an abusive relationship.
As for your son I would write a letter detailing all the awful things your ex did. And when he is an adult I would give him it. And explain that maybe when he is in a relationship with children he will understand how hard your life was . And that you tried to stay but really no person should have to stay in a relationship like that.
You need to forget the life you had and try to build new happy memories and routines and traditions. And ignore your parents!

Give yourself a break. It’s only been 6 months. That is no time at all. You are grieving what life could have been if he wasn’t such an asshole. Deep down you know you’ve done the right thing, but it will take time to heal and establish a new life. Be a bit kinder to yourself.

From what you have said, it sounds like you did the right thing to leave him. It’s a big change, but the right one. Your son staying with his dad right now sounds very painful. But I wonder if he’s used to you and him placating his dad to stop the abuse. Maybe he’s scared of his dad being more upset with him if he goes with you. I hope you have some support or can foster some support (not your parents at the moment as they seem in their own fantasy world). You need boundaries from abuse/ abuse supporters. There is still time. And you’ll have your life back to yourself again the more you focus on the positive things this decision has brought you. Good luck.

I’m sorry for all that you have been through and I think now you are perhaps mourning what could’ve been rather than how things actually were. It was not a happy family set up and your DH was abusive. Had you stayed, he would’ve reduced you to nothing. I think you may be longing for what you had before because it feels familiar and your ‘normal’ was constantly navigating and reacting to your DH’s selfish and cruel behaviour. I imagine now you may feel like you just don’t know how to ‘be’. It’s going to take time to adjust and for your kids too.

I know you are looking back and thinking of what you have lost/could’ve been, but you need to know that in a healthy relationship none of those things you first listed happen. I’ve been married over 15 years, my DH has never called me a name or done anything even close to what’s on that list.If your child was asking you whether they should’ve stayed with a partner who treated them as you’ve described, I doubt you’d tell them to stay.
You said your parents are upset, do they know all that happened? If they don’t, than maybe tell them when you feel ready. If you have, but they are still upset you have left, then that is not a reasonable reaction. I can’t imagine my parents being upset I’ve left someone who abused me and in the same way I would be so happy and supportive if my DD left someone who abused her. This is not about them. It’s about you and your worth.
You deserve so much better you know. You might be thinking that what he gave was better than nothing but what he took away from you is huge. He has eroded your self esteem and created a reality for you that was not the truth. But the thing is, you’ve seen past that story he was trying to sell you where he positions you as the problem. And you’ve not stayed small, the way he wanted, you’ve been brave, determined and strong to leave him. You need time to rebuild yourself and your life. There is a life where you are not called names. Where people pull you up not pull you down. It’s going to take time to adjust and figure out how to be. I wish you all the very best.

I couldnt give two s*its about anything on that second list after what you wrote on the first.

You've done the right thing. It will get better

He destroyed your sense of worth and confidence. Plus it’s early days. You’ve got to keep on trying- at least now you and your kids have a decent chance of a happy life but, yes, it might take a bit more time. Stay strong and don’t go backwards.

I’m so sorry you have been through this.

But its extremely clear to everyone reading this that it was the right thing to do. It makes me angry on your behalf that your family are making you feel bad about your actions and I think you need to find that anger and channel it.

You are still at a very early stage with this. You are traumatised after years of abuse and starting again from scratch. You need to give yourself more time and be gentle with yourself.

I came on to say exactly this!
OP you have been amazingly strong to break free and although its scary you HAVE done the right thing x x sending positive thoughts and hugs your way x

If I was your mum I would be so amazingly proud of you, leaving an abusive man to start again. No one should live in an abusive household and I’m sure in the future once your child matures they will realise why you needed to leave.

be proud that you have had the courage to leave a man that tells you to kill yourself and berates you in public!

be proud that you are able to start making new happy memories.

you are amazing!

Always remind yourself that when you say he is intelligent, it can only mean that every single time he was a c**t to you, he was CHOOSING to be one.

Also what you had before was an illusion. It may have been pleasant to be part of at times as long as you played along but it wasn’t real. No member of a happy family behaves like that and if my partner threatened to urinate on my clothes and told me to kill myself I would have been out of there years ago I think, not having coffee and laughing.

I’m not blaming you but the fact that you were still there and now seem to think that this is balanced out by a few basic human qualities makes me know that your boundaries on what is acceptable in a relationship were shot to buggery. You are still rebuilding and it won’t happen instantly.

@TheyDontKnowWhy are you in therapy ?
How old is your youngest?

I get why it is so hard, because the good points sound really good. It’s very unfair that he’s like Jekyll and Hyde because you don’t feel good about making the right choice. If he was a total cunt it would be easier. But those bad points are EXTREMELY bad. It will get better OP.