People who don’t ask questions

[Bluedoor11]

We currently have family staying over. DH’s sister and brother in law plus three kids. We haven’t seen them in 10 years (they live abroad) so we were looking forward to it. All going very well, kids lovely, guests thoughtful (offered to cook and shop, clean, etc), but they just don’t ask ANY questions. We’ve asked about their lives, jobs, kids schools, friends, etc etc etc, but they just don’t reciprocate. Even when we just tell them about our lives - without being asked - they just stare and don’t ask follow up questions.

I don’t think it’s because they don’t care. Prob that they never learned to ask questions? We know other people that are exactly the same. I must admit, it drives me crazy! Why don’t people ask questions? It can really come across as lack of interest / not caring…

It is rude to ask personal questions.

We met up with my DH’s aunt, who he hadn’t seen in something like 15 years. She did not ask us one question about our lives or backgrounds. Nothing. Total absence of curiosity. Aside from it being a social failing on their part, it shows how small their world is in my view.

See, this is interesting. Surely if you are talking to your family you want to know how they are, health etc. and you won’t know unless you ask. If they are family you should also feel comfortable enough to ask? I think asking shows that you are interested in them and that you care

I once read something that said this was a class thing and that it can be seen as prying to ask questions rather than just letting people share things when they choose to, made me think differently about this issue when it arises

I personally find it rude. What’s the point of spending time together if you have no interest in your host or guest? Bizarre. But I have relatives like this for sure. In huge family get together, the first for 20 years, some sat at the end of the room scrolling on their phones. Others made new connections, resurrected old ones, made new plans. But some made no effort at all because “prying” would be rude. Boring farts.

My ex's family are like this (minus the thoughtful guest bit). I remember initially finding it incredibly uncomfortable - you'd try to make small talk and they'd sit silently, staring into space. If you asked a polite 'so, how are you today, SIL?' she would tell you, but it wouldn't occur to her to ask you, or ask you in return afterwards.

I came to realise it was partly to do with having very isolated lives - they didn't have much sense that there were things going on in other people's lives, so it didn't really occur to them to ask. My MIL, FIL and BIL would all struggle to reply if you asked them very much at all. My SIL would reply at length, but it would be absolutely mind-numbing (repeating exactly what she'd done at work that morning, down to whether she'd ordered more paper clips or turned down the thermostat in the office because it was hot).

I absolutely think it's to do with learning how to have a polite conversation. I watched my other SIL with her son (who was the only child in the family when I first knew them), and he was totally excluded from all adult conversation - he'd be allowed or encouraged to wear his headphones and play on his switch, and if it was something like Christmas and we were exchanging presents, he'd do his and his mum would say his thanks for him. So he wasn't learning how to talk to people. I think this is also what happened with the rest of the family.

It’s literally not taking an interest in other people at all , I find it so odd . Years ago my ds had got back from 3 months in America , he had done so much and seen so much , he went to visit his grandad a bit after , he asked no questions about his trip , not one just talked about an issue with his paving slabs !

It is, but it's not rude to make small talk.

I do think families differ in terms of what they consider overly personal. I know someone who'll cheerfully ask her mum how she's recovering from a hernia op over the dinner table; I know someone else who would never discuss her job with her siblings because it's her personal business.

But most people can find something innocuous to talk about/ask about, can't they? Even if it's just a general 'so how was your Christmas' or whatever.

YANBU. I think at least half the people I interact with are like this and I find it really rude.

I can accept the argument that people don’t want to pry so maybe they feel they can’t initiate a topic, but once someone has started talking about their job/kids/holiday etc why on earth wouldn’t you ask follow-up questions? It makes it really difficult to have a conversation with these people!

Even worse are the people who are apparently only able to interact by sharing anecdotes about themselves. I work with a man like this. Literally any conversation topic is sidetracked by him making it about himself. You could say “I had an operation last week and nearly died” and he’d share a story about a time a GP made a mistake with his prescription. He is completely incapable of showing interest in anyone else’s life!

There seems to be two types of people - people who ask / people who don’t. I get that some people may find asking personal questions rude… but even when you are sharing info with them, no follow up questions?? I find that really odd… that’s how conversations work 🤷🏻‍♀️

My partner is not one for asking questions. He says it because growing up his mum was very nosey and would ask anyone she came into contact with about their personal business with no awareness of how inappropriate it was or how it made the one being questioned uncomfortable.
He said he would find it really embarrassing so it made him go the complete opposite way!

Exactly!

I know a few people like that. Makes conversation verrrry hard work.

I think its exactly because they don't care. They're not interested

My DM is like this. I could tell her I spent the weekend with an alien and all I’d get back would be her telling me what SHE did at the weekend. She has no social graces and thinks asking people about their lives is prying, whereas I think not asking is rude and shows an absolute lack of interest in other people. She’s down to her last friend which is sad but predictable.

🙄

It’s one of the worst things about online dating - the amount of men that ask zero questions whatsoever and leave you carrying the conversation. And I know from guys it’s equally as bad with women.

I don’t understand how they don’t realise you have to ask questions to get to know someone enough to know if you want to date them and to show interest?

These are educated, professional men.

I take it as a sign that we’re not well aligned and unmatch quite quickly but it makes me wonder what happens when two people who dont ask questions try to date…?

I'm with you op....it drives me mad!!! Recently met up with my cousin who I've not seen for 10 years. She hardly spoke, hardly spoke to my sons or myself. She's back home in America now and unless I message her first we don't hear from her. At all. Now I'm not bothering....sick of one sided conversation

It’s rude to show absolutely no interest in other people, do you just talk about yourself all the time?

How do you get to know more about your friends and family's lives?

I hate being asked lots of questions. I feel like I am being challenged or intimidated. Once a friend I hadn't seen for a while asked me to rate my life from 1-10. I was so confused. It seemed weird and competitive and pressured. I would rather be asked what I was having for tea, and see how the conversation develops. I find sharing anecdotes easier. I'd take turns with it, I like hearing other people's stories and opinions. Thinking about it, my friend had probably been told to do the rating thing on a training course. It felt so impersonal, like a conversation opener. It just made me feel guarded. Maybe your friends are just rude, but maybe they prefer a different style of conversation.

I didn't used to ask so many questions when I was younger as I felt embarrassed or that it might be rude.

I think you can be interested in people’s lives (your family) without being rude. I have a friend who asks a lot of prying and rude questions but I don’t think asking about how you spend your life generally is crossing a line.

Yeah I don’t think I would ask anyone to rate their life from 1-10. That’s a bit odd. I’m thinking more like ‘how are your kids’, ‘how’s work’ etc, just as a way of starting a conversation and getting to know a bit more about their lives …

Yeah exactly! Not asking about the color of their underwear 😜just about their life in general