People who don’t ask questions

[Bluedoor11]

We currently have family staying over. DH’s sister and brother in law plus three kids. We haven’t seen them in 10 years (they live abroad) so we were looking forward to it. All going very well, kids lovely, guests thoughtful (offered to cook and shop, clean, etc), but they just don’t ask ANY questions. We’ve asked about their lives, jobs, kids schools, friends, etc etc etc, but they just don’t reciprocate. Even when we just tell them about our lives - without being asked - they just stare and don’t ask follow up questions.

I don’t think it’s because they don’t care. Prob that they never learned to ask questions? We know other people that are exactly the same. I must admit, it drives me crazy! Why don’t people ask questions? It can really come across as lack of interest / not caring…

I once read something that said this was a class thing and that it can be seen as prying to ask questions rather than just letting people share things when they choose to, made me think differently about this issue when it arises

But the late queen (apparently) used to ask people, "Have you come far?" And you don't get classier than QEII.

Yeah I see it with my DD’s friends. Some of them can’t hold a conversation 😣

That's such an interesting way to put it. I think you're right. I think some people are scared of giving away too much about themselves.

How do you think people become like that? It doesn't sound like you are.

See this is fascinating because, I’ll happily answer questions, I’ll sometimes ask a few but I don’t like to ask too many in case it comes over intrusive. Some people just don’t like to be nosy.

Ooh interesting wrt "high level chit chat" - I find talking about slightly more abstracted topics makes everyone in the conversation equal as it isn't "all about" one participant, whereas otherwise it can quickly turn into either one person holding court or an interrogation.

So I'd always go for that with anyone I wasn't already very close to and/or saw daily (with those people we'd be tracking day-to-day events in each others lives more due to the amount we spoke).

I disagree with you a bit OP, I think it is because they don't care.

I have the opposite problem - people who ask too many questions. Pointless small talk in one case, closed questions intended to be small talk but seem PA in another, and another who asks questions then tell you that their answer is better.

I think it depends on are they talking about themselves and don’t ask you questions or they just answer yours and the conversation is drying out.
if it’s the former they are just rude.
If the latter they might be shy and uncomfortable with your level of questions. They answer them out of politeness but trying to escape deep conversations by not asking you any.
Also it could be if your lifestyles are different. It’s a bit rude not to show any interest but if it’s very different it might be difficult to ask a question or it might be a sensitive topic.

My dad is like this and it’s inexplicable to me. Now and again, when he actually texts, it’s these bulletins about how he is. So I tend to reply to acknowledge it, maybe ask some questions about the content of the bulletin. And there is rarely a ‘and how are you, how are the kids’ etc. He’s complained that I don’t tell him how we are or send updates. I’ve said, you need to ask about us, I’m not doing a fucking newsletter! (Didn’t actually say that but I’d like to!) Was explicit that I don’t feel he is interested unless he shows it by asking questions. He did it for a couple of weeks and we went back to a dad bulletin every couple of months. So weird. I genuinely think he is just quite self absorbed and doesn’t actually think about us very much.

My father was autistic ( never diagnosed but I taught autistic children for 20 years and over the years it slowly dawned on me). I think both my brothers are on the spectrum. Neither engage with people socially. I was the oldest child, a girl and the expectations of me were totally different. It took me until I went to do my degree to realise that my family was a bit odd and that there were more 'open' , relaxed, friendly ways to live. My father was always absolutely horrified if he saw someone in the distance who he sort of knew but couldn't remember the name of. My childhood consisted of being pushed very quickly into M and S in Hereford to avoid whoever it was. Neither brother married until their late 40s and both married equally odd women.

I find questions, especially lots of polite questions, a boring way to have conversation 😁 it is ok for the first few minutes but then the conversation should just flow without boring things like “how is your job going?” 😁😅

There are two types of non-questioners.

One are the silent type who look bored and reply to your own questions with one word answers.

The others are the monologuers who you can spend a couple of hours with, and they impart the minutiae of every single day since you last spoke to them without drawing breath. Only after they leave do you realise they haven’t asked a single thing about you. You’re not really a friend, you’re more an audience.

It’s not nosey! It’s called being interested in other people

Yes you sound great at small talk. I’m crap at it. Much more interested in people’s lives (not necessarily highly personal things) just about their jobs, children, holidays, interests that kind of thing. I don’t think I’d ever start a conversation about seasoning a cast iron pan.

I’m a bit jealous of you TBH. I think it’s maybe because my family never really had those kind of conversations and people largely talked about themselves.

Having said that I do think people who never ask you about yourself can come across as a bit self absorbed.

I doubt OP expects or indeed wants them asking her "how much do you weigh?" "What's your salary?" "What's your view on pubic maintenance?" or "How do you think you're going to vote in the next election?"

More along the lines of "What did you do for Christmas?" "Where are you thinking of going on holiday this year?" "Did you see X in the cinema?" "Who do you think is going to win the Traitors?" "This restaurant/pub/park is lovely, do you come here often?" "What's your favourite subject in school?" (obvs to the DC not OP).

I definitely think it’s rude to ask no questions at all, but equally I feel like some people think conversation is a tennis match where every question must be asked back and nothing can be volunteered unless it’s been elicited from them. My sis is a bit like this - she constantly says nobody asks her anything about herself, but equally she never just chats and volunteers anything so I think people get tired of the coyness.

YANBU - I find this odd and rude. How can you build a relationship with someone who doesn’t seem to show even the slightest bit of interest. I find it especially odd when it’s someone who has gone out of their way to spend time with you. I feel like saying, if you didn’t want to talk to me, why are you here? And however much I back peddle to the safest of safe topics, I can’t seem to provoke a normal conversation so it intends up either feeling like an integration or awkward silence.

I am all for having conversations, and of course asking questions - but keep the general

but asking about health etc IS really rude. If they want to tell you, they will.

.....Isn't him sending you a bulletin literally him spontaneously opening a conversation by thinking of you, sharing his news and thus indicate that he'd like something similar back in response, though? Because conversations are reciprocal, so he is expecting you to match his energy with your own news?
If something had happened in your lives and he didn't know about it and therefore didn't know to ask about it, would you just not ever tell him about it?

yes but the point is without a question or make some sort of effort to get the conversation started it will never develop into enough of one to flow!

I feel like people are being deliberately obtuse. Obviously OP doesn't expect a sequence of Jeremy Paxton style intense interview questions lobbed at her. Nor does she want intrusive, intimate queries. Just a normal back and forth conversation with both parties contributing!

I agree, just send one back. You don’t need to be asked, just do it.

Honestly, this is it.

I’m not one for asking questions as I generally don’t care all that much about the minutiae of other people’s lives, jobs and children and find it bizarre that people care so much about mine.

Being interested in other people, asking appropriate questions and having empathy for their situations is human. It is the basis of friendship and all types of relationships. People who can't or won't engage risk being regarded as dull, boring and/or lacking in personality. I've met one or two.

OK. I hear you and you're obviously telling the truth. I just don't understand.

I guess my suggestion to you is .....if you love them so much, try harder to show an irt interest!