People who don’t ask questions

[Bluedoor11]

We currently have family staying over. DH’s sister and brother in law plus three kids. We haven’t seen them in 10 years (they live abroad) so we were looking forward to it. All going very well, kids lovely, guests thoughtful (offered to cook and shop, clean, etc), but they just don’t ask ANY questions. We’ve asked about their lives, jobs, kids schools, friends, etc etc etc, but they just don’t reciprocate. Even when we just tell them about our lives - without being asked - they just stare and don’t ask follow up questions.

I don’t think it’s because they don’t care. Prob that they never learned to ask questions? We know other people that are exactly the same. I must admit, it drives me crazy! Why don’t people ask questions? It can really come across as lack of interest / not caring…

I also don’t understand people who don’t ask questions. It’s how I was taught to make conversation. My mum asks lots of questions (there’s a running joke in the family that she missed her calling as a Stasi agent) but she’s very well liked and popular and has lots of friends. My in-laws (who are posher) are non questioners and it took me ages to get used to it as it can seem so rude, but I think they just don’t want to pry.

I’m a nightmare for asking questions. Worked in healthcare so needed as much information as possible about people, so by now am fairly expert at extracting details without people really noticing. I love finding out about people’s lives, and my DH can never understand how I can find out someone’s life story in a short space of time. He’s worked next to people for years and knows little about them. But then he is a man…….😁

I sat next a woman at a school play last week. She started making small talk (which I hate) but reciprocated anyway and asked what scene her daughter was in.
There then followed about 15 minutes about her daughter, how good she was at drama, her other daughter and how good she was at sport etc etc etc. I just nodded and said "Hmmmm" but in my head I was wondering how long it would take her to ask about my child.
She didn't!! I stopped making eye contact and moved my body away from her to signal I didn't want to engage any more. But she kept going on and on and on.
She didn't ask one question to me. I ended up pretending to need the toilet and walked away. Came back and she still tried to engage and tell me MORE about her kids.

@TheFireHorse When DD was at primary there was a girl in her class who had a mother EXACTLY like this. I would run in to her moderately frequently what with school drop offs, parties, school events etc.

She would always launch in to a monologue about how her DD was doing, what her DD had said about such and such, what other things her DD had done. I never once remember her asking a question about my DD, but she always gave the impression that she thought I should be fascinated by hers!

I remember once being told in great detail what hair style they were planning for her DD's first communion. I have no idea why she thought I would be interested; my limit of hair styling was to put DD's hair in to a neat ponytail for the occasion, perhaps with the addition of a special hair bobble.

This is me. I freeze up sometimes in social situations and it's like my brain can't unlock some sections. Including information I absolutely know about people's upcoming/recent life events that I can't quite find. I'm interested and invested, but sometimes can't think how to ask or what to ask.

It really annoys me and I regularly feel embarrassed. Sometimes because I ask questions, but know as soon as I start talking that I have some key details wrong and the other person will either be confused or need to correct me. Other times because 10 mins after we say goodbye, I realise what important thing I didn't ask about and feel awful that the other person thinks I'm not interested/don't care.

This also causes me to say absolute nonsense when people ask me questions. I answer the wrong question, mix up my words, get names/locations/dates wrong, etc.

I'm always so grateful for the socially gifted people who put others at ease (I so wish I had that gift). I'm better once relaxed. And better in small groups.

My DM and her husband are like this. Their company is painful. Conversations are over within 5 minutes. DMs husband actually asked me what I did for work last year. I’ve known him for 32 years.

There are families and groups of friends who, rather than asking each other questions, all fight for control of "the floor"! I think this is more common in some cultures than others.

I know I'm almost certainly neurodiverse and don't always get conversations right, but I try.

If someone asks me a question e.g. "are you going away this summer?" or "how is X doing at school?" I know there's a good chance they'll want me to ask the same question back. Sometimes they'll be dying to share that they're going to the Maldives or that their son has aced his GCSEs, but they don't want to volunteer this information in case people think they're boasting.

If a certain question makes the other person look uncomfortable or give an evasive response, I try to remember not to ask any further questions on that subject.

Also, because I can't always tell if people are genuinely interested in what I'm saying or just being polite, I try not to talk for very long about any one subject (unless the other person keeps talking about it).

How do ever become friends with people then?

That's how I gauge when I'm being thoughtless and self-centred (and possibly boring and boorish too), when I notice I'm not asking anything about the other person in a conversation, or they're not giving their viewpoint. I watch out for it and correct myself. I start listening.

I completely agree with you OP. I will never understand it! I’m so fascinated by people and love chatting to people beyond the small talk, not in a nosey way just in a way that I’m interested in peoples lives and opinions. I really notice when people don’t bother asking anything back, most of the time it’s not due to any bad intent, it just seems like for some people they’re not even aware. Regardless, I do find it rude but you can’t really call it out without making it awkward.

I have scanned through the thread and not seen anyone mention this - OP have you seen the (hilarious) Here We Go series on BBC1? There is an episode with the main characters brother in law who has not ever asked the main character a single question, and he is determined to get him to 😁

I just find it hard to believe these boring, insular "ooh my brain freezes Mavis" people really exist!!

It isn't difficult to teach yourself a couple of basic questions - adults have no excuse to not train themselves to show a smidge of interest in others

Which class(es) are supposed to see it as prying?

I grew up very working class, now pretty middle class and have some connection occasionally with upper class/aristocracy. Asking questions to make connections, especially with family, has been normal in all cases. Though admittedly upper class/aristocracy experience is pretty narrow.

I've met quite a few people like this. I'm afraid my impression was that hey were only interested in their own lives and interests, and had no interest in anyone else's.

MIL & FIL like this. They just reminisce and share random stories. Never ask questions. Had the gall to say they don’t feel they know me very well. Perhaps try asking me anything! They don’t even ask my daughter anything. Not even the usual grandparent patter, I find it very very odd.

🙄

I’m like this. I never know if it’s my adhd or what but I just am not really that interested and my attention span is so short that I stop listening

Ugh. Why are people so weird. Why couldn't she just have asked a few questions?!

It’s rude to ask when did you last have sex, it’s not rude to ask….

How is your job going Julie?
Still at the bank?
When was the last time you saw cousin John?
What year did Aunty Mary die? Did you go to the funeral?
You planning on moving?
Been to your place in Majorca this year?
What does Emily want to do after A levels?

It’s just polite to pay an interest.

I find I ask tons of questions to keep conversation going and I’m genuinely interested in where people come from, what they do. Some people are very self absorbed.

Yes, that's broadly how I was brought up. You don't ask questions beyond "How are you" and possibly "how is your mother / father / spouse / child". You offer something about your own life and that is an invitation for the other person to share something related (or not) that they want to talk about.

I've had to make a conscious effort to get past that and really believe people want to be asked questions

I dated someone like this for a while, it was like talking to a brick wall and seriously hard work. Weirdly talking about deep and meaningful stuff was fine, but daily chit chat was painful.
Lovely guy, his heart was in the right place but I could understand why an ex had broken up with him saying he was like a robot.
I'm ND and can go the other way, I'm not good at natural conversation so I ask lots of questions and have had people comment in the past that they feel like they're being interview 🫣
I get not wanting to pry but surely part of conversation is picking up on and replying to things people have said to you and asking things in return?!

Middle class I think. Probably lower middle class. We are the butt of all jokes because of our weird social rules!

I have to admit, I'm looking at the questions people are suggesting and totally cringing!

I guess I want to know what people want to tell me rather than asking them questions that impose a topic on them.

This. I have a sis in law like this. She is rude and isnt interested. Its hard work.

But I'd pause, stare at her expectantly, waiting for her to share her bit of info but she didn't. She would just ask another question.
For example she would ask 'hows work' so I would say 'work is so stressful because of x,y and z' then pause and expecting her to say 'oh mines ok or mines hell etc' but she didn't. She would just then ask me another question.

Honestly iv got friends and know to be quite a chatter box but I realised my conversation style is share some info and then pause, look expectant, waiting for the other person to share their info.

I learned im no good at asking questions but now and now im actively trying to be better at doing so

I'm kind of like this. I mean, I'm not, because I know I'm supposed to make small talk, so I do, but it's so bloody boring. I just don't care very much about the ins-and-outs of people's lives, and I don't like talking about mine either (because it's just as dull as theirs). I can put it on in a social situation, but it's hard work.

I'd rather talk about films, or books, or TV, cooking, renovating, anything else than who said what, who's gone to which university, whose kid turned five, whose nephew went on a gap year blah blah blah.

No, I'm not interested in these sorts of things at all, no matter how close I am to the person. Because unless Jane went on a killing spree, or Brian's been promoted to Foreign Secretary, the answers are going to be boring.

And I never really believe that anyone is interested in these things about me either, so when they ask me I find it awkward and keep my answers brief. It's just small talk for the sake of it if everyone has to follow all these rules of reciprocation and ask these dull questions of each other.