People who don’t ask questions

[Bluedoor11]

We currently have family staying over. DH’s sister and brother in law plus three kids. We haven’t seen them in 10 years (they live abroad) so we were looking forward to it. All going very well, kids lovely, guests thoughtful (offered to cook and shop, clean, etc), but they just don’t ask ANY questions. We’ve asked about their lives, jobs, kids schools, friends, etc etc etc, but they just don’t reciprocate. Even when we just tell them about our lives - without being asked - they just stare and don’t ask follow up questions.

I don’t think it’s because they don’t care. Prob that they never learned to ask questions? We know other people that are exactly the same. I must admit, it drives me crazy! Why don’t people ask questions? It can really come across as lack of interest / not caring…

Do they tend to mostly have conversations that aren't just about their respective everyday lives, though? I chatted socially to some acquaintances for an hour today but we talked about subjects like things in the news, possible venues for one of them to run an activity, and how to season or not season a cast iron pan (etc), not each other?

Oh don't be ridiculous. No-one's suggesting they should ask the OP and her DH about their sex life or their salaries. Just questions that display a normal level of interest in what they think/like/do, etc.

I am a bit like this. Unless I think up questions to ask beforehand, the thought doesn’t occur to me whilst in the social situation (even with my closest family that I adore!). It’s not because I don’t care…more like my brain just doesn’t work properly under social pressure. It usually occurs to me after the event that I should have asked some questions and ideas spring to mind that would have been polite without snooping.
I doubt people would think I was nervous or anything because it’s not nerves exactly…they probably just assume I am rude/don’t care. Trying to get better at planning ahead with at least a couple of things to ask.

There another reason too, apart from not to want to be seen prying.

There is complete self-absorption. I sat next a woman at a school play last week. She started making small talk (which I hate) but reciprocated anyway and asked what scene her daughter was in.

There then followed about 15 minutes about her daughter, how good she was at drama, her other daughter and how good she was at sport etc etc etc. I just nodded and said "Hmmmm" but in my head I was wondering how long it would take her to ask about my child.

She didn't!! I stopped making eye contact and moved my body away from her to signal I didn't want to engage any more. But she kept going on and on and on.

She didn't ask one question to me. I ended up pretending to need the toilet and walked away. Came back and she still tried to engage and tell me MORE about her kids.

I'm not sure being so early for the play to have a good seat, was worth it in the end!

Also on some dates I've listened to some drone on and on. About their kids, their ex, their amazing job. But never a question to me! That's why first dates for me are only half an hour.

I'm completely opposite, I ask loads of questions sometimes too many. And often have to end up apologising.

"Ooo your brother lives in Australia ? Do you visit often? How did your parents feel? What made them decide on Australia"

Sorry that was a rant!!!

But aren't you interested to know what Jane did when she went away last weekend and how Brian's promotion is going? I just do not understand people who "forget" to ask questions. I think, if I'm honest, I find it hard to believe.....if you love/like someone you're actively interested in their lives

I have been in my step childrens’ lives for 30 years, they are now in their 30’s. They lived with us permanently throughout large sections of their childhood, teen years and 20’s. During their years of boyfriends, girlfriends, co habiting partners and marriage I have noted that none of the younger generation has any interest in or curiosity about me. No interest in my job, my experiences, my advice, me as a functioning member of society. I find it rather sad.

I have mentioned it a few times to DH but I don’t think he gets it. I don’t need their attention or approval but it’s quite disconcerting being completely see through in your own life.

That’s very interesting and thank you for sharing. I used to get a little upset when people wouldn’t ask questions as thought they just didn’t care, but after a lot of thinking I’ve decided it’s not that. It’s just how our brains work! It is really interesting.

My parents are like this - especially my mum. She’s only recently started to say ‘how are you’. But not interested in the reply.
I do some really interesting things but when I see her, she just talks about what’s going on with her! It’s so strange.
I also find it rude that your guests don’t ask.
someone commented that it’s a class thing but I know a true upper class family and their extended family are very inquisitive - all of them.

This

Wasn't until a newish friend got upset and had it out with me that I never ask her questions.

I tend to massively overshare then hope other person does the same back. I hate asking questions.

I feel its being so rude and nosey but friend pointed out that she thought I came across as self absorbed. However I thought I convo with her was 20 questions as she would just keep firing questions at me that I answered but she never carried on convo about herself, she would just fire another question.

All my children have adhd and asd so does make me wonder about my own brain.

I'm with you OP. We had a Christmas exactly like this. In laws were on broadcast and asked absolutely nothing about us - be it chit chat about work, school, friends or hobbies - literally nothing!
I find it quite offensive and very arrogant but it's always been like this so I know nothing will change.

The art of conversation is dying out I fear. I only keep friends where there is a true connection (conversations flow, we take an interest in each other, share information, ask questions). But I know loads of people who just don’t seem to care about anyone else - it’s definitely more noticeable over the past ten years.

I read an article about a ‘non asker’ a little while ago - it struck a chord as one of the DC definitely falls into that camp.

This is silly.. it’s part of normal conversation

Okay so, I naturally do this even though I’m (usually) curious or would like to know more. This hasn’t always been the case, not sure what happened way back when…
I just feel like I’m prying, even with the lightest of questions and with people I know. Of course, I am aware this is rude and people will feel I don’t care about them. I actually sometimes overcompensate, especially with those I’m not familiar or comfortable with, and then ask a barrage of questions nearly one after the other, in an attempt to prove I’m interested in them. Sometimes I’m not even taking in the responses, too busy trying to plan the next polite question. Awful. Still working on the balance!

For them all to be like this, yes I’d agree with you (it’s just not how conversation goes in their house).

There’s an episode in the BBC series Here We Go where the dad is frustrated by his BiL who’s like this, and eventually strong-arms him into asking a question 🤣

It’s not that I ‘forget’ to ask questions though…it’s more that my brain just can’t think of the question in the moment. A bit like when you think of a great comeback long after the argument is over? I don’t know how else to explain but I’ve no reason to lie. I obviously love and care deeply about my closest family but still often find myself thinking about something I’d have been interested for them to update me on after I’ve left their company.

I can be like this. I'm pretty sure it's a result of being told 'stop being nosey' or 'none of your business' as a child. I feel rude and intrusive asking questions.

I thought it was the middle classes that find it rude to ‘pry’…upper class and working class are just fine with it. Same with swearing (apparently). I’m genuinely interested in my friends’ and family’s lives and when I’m meeting up with them, I’ll have a list of things I want to ask. When I’m actually in a conversation though, it’s like my brain glitches. It’s so frustrating. I search for the words and the questions and poof! They’re no longer there. So I chatter to make up for my gormlessness. I’m way better in writing than in person.

This! This is what I was trying to describe! So glad it’s not just me!

There’s rude personal questions, eg ‘so how’s your marriage going, you still intimate after all these years?’ and there's conversational curiosity, ‘how was your holiday? Still enjoying your job’ - perfectly acceptable.

I was brought up to not ask questions because it was nosey and that if people want to talk about themselves they will. As a result, I am probably like the person mentioned upthread who provides slightly out of kilter anecdotes about themselves. It isn't because I don't care or am not interested, it is how I have been conditioned. I try to overcome it on MN, particularly threads where everyone is leaping to judgement, I ask questions and seek more understanding. I am not sure I will ever overcome it in real life though, I am too old!

It's a learnt skill, isn't it?

You see it with students in a class, as well. Some of them genuinely find it really hard to ask a question because they've never been shown how to do it, and they've never properly listened to other people doing it.

Taking an interest in other people doesn't require you to ask about their bowel habits or how often they have sex. It's called making conversation.

On a similar note- there are people who never seem to react to things around them, no matter how remarkable. They can walk through a beautiful place or hear something extraordinary without seeming to notice.

It's like there is nothing coming out of them, no questions, no reactions- they seem tight with their feelings and thoughts, like some people are tight with money.

I cannot bond at all with people who don’t ask questions. All of my conversations with friends are things like “how’s so and so?”…”how’s the house renovation going”….”did you manage to sort that issue out at work?”….

I converse in 100% questions or answering other people’s questions! I want to know about other humans and their lives in order to talk about shared experiences and make connections. High level chit chat about random topics is a complete waste of time IMO.

My brother and SIL are incredibly insular and socially awkward.My SIL crochets. She talks about crochet.....that's it. She has no friends, no hobbies that take her outside the house. My brother talks about his job. He has no hobbies at all ,stays in the house all weekend and has no friends. They will come to family events but never, ever ask anyone anything at all about their lives etc. They just talk about themselves. Sometimes in my head I start saying ' I don't care.....nobody cares'. I have to concentrate so it stays in my head.