People who don’t ask questions

[Bluedoor11]

We currently have family staying over. DH’s sister and brother in law plus three kids. We haven’t seen them in 10 years (they live abroad) so we were looking forward to it. All going very well, kids lovely, guests thoughtful (offered to cook and shop, clean, etc), but they just don’t ask ANY questions. We’ve asked about their lives, jobs, kids schools, friends, etc etc etc, but they just don’t reciprocate. Even when we just tell them about our lives - without being asked - they just stare and don’t ask follow up questions.

I don’t think it’s because they don’t care. Prob that they never learned to ask questions? We know other people that are exactly the same. I must admit, it drives me crazy! Why don’t people ask questions? It can really come across as lack of interest / not caring…

My husband is like this. It drives me crazy too. He has a very very close friend yet for 2 years didn’t know if he was married/divorced/single/widowed. Or how many kids he had. He knew he had at least one because DH met her - I was completely perplexed how on earth can someone have a close relationship without asking the most basic of questions. ? DH reckons it’s rude to ‘interrogate’ people. I finally met DH friend at a party and knew the whole background to his rather grizzly divorce in about 20 minutes of being introduced. Friend seemed rather relieved to talk about it with someone.

So what's wrong with asking if they've seen the last film you enjoyed? If they're watching the same TV show as you? Or any of the other topics you're actually interested in?

They're still questions that show you're interested in the person you're talking to!

I never ask the dull questions people have listed here, because like you, I don't give a damn, but to conclude from that that questions are out full stop shows very little imagination.

Nothing wrong with that, I love a chat about films or TV, or many other subjects, like I said. Did you read what I wrote?

The OP was complaining about people not asking her questions about herself, her kids and her job. I don't much like talking about myself or my work, and I don't care about the vast majority of other people's jobs, or their what their kids are doing at school. I think I like talking about ideas, rather than a reciprocal blow-by-blow of our humdrum lives.

I can be a bit like this if I don’t pay attention… and it’s mainly because my mind blanks. I can do small talk, weekends, holidays, work. I genuinely can ask you endless questions if they are job related because I practised those in my early career to get on (and there are books on networking, not friend making.) However, it relies on you sharing something. If you share, I’ll interject with active listening queues. But I can’t open up conversations.

example;

you’ve said you’ve had a great time at centre parcs and I’ve asked you if you’d recommend it. I might ask your favourite activity.

My instinct is to share an anecdote back e.g. about a time I went to a holiday park and then hope you fill in another anecdote at the end of mine. That is my preferred conversation style. We all take turns listening to each other’s stories.

I once panicked asked someone the colour of their toothbrush as a complete non-sequitur. they never spoke to me again.

I have fantastic long term friends but struggle to make new ones as my first impression is very awkward. I get round this by being the active planner once invited in. I’ll organise your meet ups and fill the gap (does your group need a person to suggest meet ups, to do logistics, or to make decisions. I make sure I don’t take someone else’s role.) I also have a naturally social husband who has the opposite impact so through him I get that crucial 3rd or 4th impression.

@CoolFineDoneWicked I think we probably agree, but I took the OP to be exasperated that her guests didn't ask any questions in the whole time they were staying, not even the obvious, boring ones.

I imagine she's probably accustomed to better conversation than that, but under the circumstances anything would have been better than nothing, and I totally get that.

I've been in situations like that and it used to be excruciating, but I give much less of a fuck these days and would say something like "well, it's been delightful. So nice to get to know each other better" but I can be very sarcastic when I feel someone's rude.

I'd totally get on board with the toothbrush question! I enjoy a random question from the left field 😀

I don't really believe in boring questions - only boring answers (which are sometimes indicative of a boring person and sometimes totally unavoidable no matter how interesting someone is, in which case just move swiftly on to something else). Interesting people know how to drop the interesting things about their lives and thoughts into a conversation about more or less anything I tend to find. And most people have interesting things about them, which are magnified if they can reciprocate an interest in you. If they want to, of course.

It's so frustrating isn't it.

This happens to me loads, people just talk about themselves. Never ask me anything. Met up with a friend before Christmas, she twittered on and on about what SHE was doing, she did not ask me once, did I have plans???

I must be really boring

😂

Why the cringing? It's just a starting point - you can take a conversation more or less anywhere from a fairly innocuous starting point, by picking up on the details
dropped in by others or by dropping in the details of what you'd really like to talk about yourself. It might take a few rounds in some circumstances but it's usually possible to get somewhere interesting within 20 seconds or so no matter where you start from, unless one or both people in the conversation are genuinely dull. I wouldn't assume that from any of the questions suggested! Sometimes people are just nervous, which isn't surprising with how easily some people are offended these days!

My parents were like this. I moved away to another city to do several degrees. Then spent a year teaching in a US university. I travelled widely to countries which are not on the usual tourist route. Both parents and my sister were entirely uncurious about all of this. If I mentioned something I got a monosyllabic reply. Eventually I stopped visiting them because it was no fun.

Exactly. That's how conversations work. I have a few acquaintances like that, spending time with them is hard work. I'd be sustaining any semblance of conversation while they'd treat my small talk questions as them being interviewed about their life, telling me stuff at length and then just looking at me like a lemon and not ask anything back. I remember how excited I was when through this "conversation" it transpired that we had the same hobby. I asked them a few questions, they replied with mind numbing detail, showed me a million relevant pics, I was counting down the seconds until them surely asking me back "and what about you?!", but when they finished telling me all about themselves they just went back to their drink and I was sat there in stunned silence 😂😂😂 Some people are just incapable of having a conversation.

Well...

I don't like asking people about their jobs (unless it's a networking event) because jobs are so tied to status and class that it feels intrusive/inappropriate.

And i don't like asking women if they have kids because (1) women aren't just childbearers and (2) what if she doesn't and desparately wants them and is dealing with all that?

And I don't watch the same TV as most people seem to so those questions are always awkward to be on the receiving end of because I feel like I'm being rude when I say I don't watch something they obviously love, so I tend not to ask them of other people

And I feel fake asking about family I've never met, unless there's something going on that makes a caring enquiry meaningful

Probably overthinking but you asked!

I tend to ask people something related to the event - why they are here, how they are finding it. Which as you said, like any starting point can go somewhere interesting. But I guess it's quite impersonal.

I'd say those are as good a starting point as any! And thank you for your thoughtful and interesting answer!

I've never noticed anyone take offence when I've asked them what they do - I usually follow up by asking if they enjoy it or not and the answer to that usually tells you if you have to move on swiftly or not! Often people are delighted to either have a rant about the bad bits (or exasperating colleagues) or enlighten you about the good bits - some people do some fascinating things. Others enjoy doing relatively mundane things or have an interesting backstory to how they got into something. One woman started working at a company because a guy she fancied worked there. He left within a week of her starting but she'd been in the job ever since, even though this was 30 years ago! She'd never seen him again but it had determined her entire career!

Fair enough about the kids thing. I don't mind being asked at all (I don't have kids) but I realise it's a little divisive. Anything has the potential to upset someone though if there's something difficult going on in their life and with strangers, you'll never know what those things are. Up to the individual to decide whether it's bette to ask or not I suppose.

Some people live their lives openly on social media so when you meet them there is literally nothing to ask or find out because you know everything already 😂😂😂

Right, much better to sit in silence like a frickin Amish wake...Jeeezus...🙄

Class thing which way round?

I used to get quite bad social anxiety and when someone asked me questions and I answered, I would be relieved to have answered 'normally' and totally forget to ask anything back. I'm still rubbish at small talk and feel like I'm performing a role.

Your guests are staying with you though, so probably don't have social anxiety, but maybe they aren't usually very social?

If I want to share something about my life, I divulge it, and always thought (until early 20's) that other people would do the same (as all my direct family do). I assumed it was rude to ask people questions, that if they wanted to know, they would ask me. I then realised that it could be seen as rude NOT to ask questions, so I started to do so!

It's perhaps part of the back and forth nature of conversations that questions are essential. I always thought conversations were one person ranting, then the other person following suit, but soon learnt when out in the "real world" (read: away from parents/siblings), that it was expected to ask the other person some questions. I do always prefer a bit of ranting though (on both sides!) It may also be a NT thing?

That's me, I had to teach myself to do it. It's not because I'm not interested. I like to listen to others talking and sit quietly with my own thoughts sometimes. And some people are so garrulous that they don't need a prompt. I can't ask a question as I can't get a word in. Some people would do well to shut the fuck up, not ask questions, and listen to others once in a while.

If you get someone like that you have to butt in to talk about your stuff. Then congratulate yourself on your social skills.

I have a friend who will just offload her own issues every time I meet or we speak on the phone. She never says ‘how are you’ or you said you had that appointment at the GP, how did that go’? She isn’t a horrible thoughtless person, and she bought me several gifts at Christmas and a lovely message about how grateful she was for the help I gave her last year. I guess she is self centred. I find it quite rude really. It’s also not rude to ask questions when you’re already talking about this kind of thing, it would be a natural step to ask about the other person.

I think people need to stop taking offense at everything and assuming rudeness is the cause. Lots of asd people do not hold conversation well, they will answer the questions you ask but not think to ask back, that does not mean they are rude it's just them missing social cues and expectations.
Please don't assume the worst of people because they don't behave like you do or the way you expect them to.
Other replies have said similar but apart from the stress that ND people may experience in social settings they do not need judgement for being interested enough or rude. That is literally textbook for what ND is in some cases.

My father and siblings are like this. It's really weird and means you just listen a lot, as every time you try to tell them anything, they just look blankly at you and change the subject. REALLY boring.

I find the 2nd part interesting and I heard it's a sign of adhd or other nueorodiverstiy and that's how they share empathy.
So, I saw this video and 2 people were having a conversation, one says this and this happened and the other says, omg me too and back and forth it goes and they're both really happy but that was only because they were both neurodiverse.
I'm like, maybe I'm neurodiverse I like hearing about other people's similar stories 🤣

I think people are genuinely sympathetic with ND people (and I get that it's also not always possible to tell who's ND). But there are loads of non ND people like this and it doesn't make it any less exhausting/frustrating for the person on the other end of the one-sided dynamic. I'm ND myself and find it very draining being the one who's pushed into the driver's seat as it were. But if someone genuinely struggles with it I try to be understanding.