People who don’t ask questions

[Bluedoor11]

We currently have family staying over. DH’s sister and brother in law plus three kids. We haven’t seen them in 10 years (they live abroad) so we were looking forward to it. All going very well, kids lovely, guests thoughtful (offered to cook and shop, clean, etc), but they just don’t ask ANY questions. We’ve asked about their lives, jobs, kids schools, friends, etc etc etc, but they just don’t reciprocate. Even when we just tell them about our lives - without being asked - they just stare and don’t ask follow up questions.

I don’t think it’s because they don’t care. Prob that they never learned to ask questions? We know other people that are exactly the same. I must admit, it drives me crazy! Why don’t people ask questions? It can really come across as lack of interest / not caring…

Limited experience then.
I hate talking about myself, and feel uncomfortable when questioned persistently, which is why i don't do it to other people.

I read somewhere that there are two types of people. The first type think it’s rude to bang on about themselves without being asked, as the other person might not be interested, and wait to be asked before sharing much. They ask lots of questions.

The second type think it’s rude not to instantly contribute to a conversation and offer up information without being asked. They get annoyed that they are the only ones making the effort and think it is rude when, after they have talked for a while, silence falls and the other person doesn’t say anything.

I remember finding it persuasive when I read it, but personally I fall within the first group. Except I think it’s a balance. Ask stuff - surely everyone likes people who take an interest? - but also offer stuff if things are flagging.

To me, questions show you are interested in other people and entering their world with them. And talking without encouragement can show a lack of awareness of whether the other person is still enjoying themselves.

To be fair, it's pretty rude to respond to someone's monologue or volunteered contribution with silence even if you find the approach a little rude or frustrating. I would probably find myself making a comment in the hope they might pick up on this but include a question in case they weren't any good at responding to comments. Strangely I find people who take this approach aren't typically great at responding to anything that isn't a question themselves although that's not always the case.

I think there's also third type who neither ask nor volunteer anything at all - you can prise a conversation out of them by asking a lot of questions but they won't ask much if anything back. Obviously I would only do this (try to prise a conversation out of someone) if in a situation where some sort of interaction was necessary/expected. If people don't want to talk at other times that's totally fair enough - I'm fairly anti-social outside of social situations myself but do try to pull out all the stops effort wise if other people have given up time and money to be somewhere for the specific purpose of meeting and talking to others.

This may be the most interesting thread I have seen on MN. I think there are so many reasons we behave differently with conversation, how we grew up, and whether we are an introvert or extrovert. Neurodiversity must have a lot to do with it too. We maybe all need to learn to read each other more for a better flow of conversation.

With social media playing such a big part in lives now, maybe there is enough contact for people there to not feel they need much more in the way of conversation with people in the flesh…connection has become silent through texting.

I think so, in part. Social media is contributing to a decline in social skills, perhaps.

But it's like AI. For now it is harming certain jobs. In the future when it is just hopelessly recycling its own previously generated garbage and getting more and more fucked? Intelligent human beings who can think and write and act and sift through machine-based BS will be like gold dust and will be able to command good salaries.

So, too, people who can communicate well with people in real life have more strings to their bow.

People always say that about social media but you'd think that the internet would have also helped a significant number of people and that that would at least balance it out. There are regular threads and articles about this subject and you'd think a decent number of people would come across and read them and that this would raise awareness that others find this behaviour alienating. And then there are loads of sites teaching these skills to people looking to learn them. Many people wouldn't have had access to that kind of advice in the past. Although there have always been books on this kind of thing. Harder to go to a bookshop or library though, undoubtedly.

I certainly can't say I found older generations any better overall - some of the worst offenders in my own family were older people! Many of them kind or good hearted in other ways but just totally lacking in awareness, and resistant of all efforts to make them more aware!

I thought of this thread when I had an interaction this morning. Me: “My kitchen flooded yesterday.” Acquaintance: “Hmmm, I must get someone in to look at my drains, I’ve never had them checked and I’m not sure where the stopcock is -“ etc etc etc.

They failed to ask any further about my soggy floor. Is this really ok according to some posters on here?

Bloody hell @MaturingCheeseball I'm already hooked and we've never met.
Are you near Exeter? I saw the news but it's impossible to really photograph the scale of stuff and also show the individual stories.
Lots of practical questions - what are you going to do, short, medium & long term. So many questions there.
I'd probably try and find something positive to say like puts 'stuff' into perspective, really focused you on the important, community, global scale. But ultimately get back to you and what you'll do over the next few days and how emotionally you currently feel.

My crazy random suggestion would be did you ever see Treme, a TV series based on the clean up after Hurricane Katrina, amazing TV but I suggest for awhile you watch something sci-fi based to escape where no one floods but they have blood thirsty aliens to contend with.

I'm genuinely sorry to hear your home has been invaded, best wishes. Xx hope you find better friends.

Thank you very much for your concern, but actually it was the dishwasher… 🤣🤭

Anyone seen the 30 minute voice note thread?! Everyone is telling him to run for the hills, which to be fair is probably quite good advice, but I'm desperate to know more about how this woman communicates in person!

Brilliant!
So if we were chatting casually , we'd probably talk about the news then swing back to your dishwasher - operator error or sentient bastard, because that's the way conversation works.

Has your flooring survived?

My mil and FIL of 25+ years have never asked me a question! Totally self absorbed.

I'm with @BestZebbie. My job was to ask about every detail of people's lives. Now asking mundane questions seems daft. I am interested in my friend's lives but I don't want to ask questions that may be none of my business or may trigger something that has upset them. I hate being asked questions. If a want to tell friends something I will. I have a friend who always asks strangers just as a way of opening a conversation "do you have children? And grandchildren?" I find this massively uncomfortable. Even supposed neutral questions can be uncomfortable for some. I prefer to talk about news topics, fashion, hobbies, even the weather rather than be asked questions about my family. In any case, if some people are disinterested in your son's promotion or your child's new tooth, it doesn't make them uncaring or unkind. If you want to read it as rudeness that's up to you but it's probably not.

Yes but many of us have said that family members never ask a question. Or a follow-up. Eg “Ella started her new job on Monday.” Silence.

For the nth time of course grilling people or asking potentially sensitive questions is rude, but some people’s idea of conversation seems to be each person broadcasting, neither listening, let alone participating .

Right. Your seemingly innocuous question could really be hurting someone, not to mention annoying them.

I personally have always hated being asked what job I do. Cannot bear it. Don't like talking about work when I'm not there. I don't care what anyone else does for a living either. It's the least interesting part of a person to me.

@MangaKangai completely agree. I hated talking about my job. Apart from anything else it was impossible to explain what I did and I just wouldn't talk about details of it. I preferred to leave work at work. Yes, seemingly innocent personal questions can be upsetting for some people.

Agree with the job thing. Asking someone what job they do is, annoyingly, one of the most common ways of breaking the ice/starting a conversation. It can actually be really intrusive. I was out of work for a couple of years due to some MH issues, so that simple question triggered having to 1. Admit the shame of being unemployed and 2. Talk about my MH health issues to a virtual stranger. It’s also just a really boring question, unless you’re an astronaut or a top film producer, no one wants to hear about what you do in the office! And most people don’t actually want to talk about their jobs either. So why do we constantly ask this irritating question?! Your job doesn’t define you.

But surely it's easy to move on from a topic that doesn't yield any interesting information or that one or both people don't seem to want to talk about?

"What do you do?",
"I'm an accountant and I hate ever minute of it, but it pays for my holidays which I live for"
"Ah, nice, what kind of holidays do you go for - are you a city break kind of person or do you prefer a beach and pool set up or something else entirely?"
"We're into cruises because we like seeing new places and meeting randoms and there are always lots of randoms on cruises"
"Oh really? tell me more about the randoms on cruises😂....

Obviously you keep going until you find something that both people are happy to talk about and that hopefully yields some funny, interesting stories. Nobody knows or can be expected to know what's going to trigger a stranger, to make a point already made a great many times. You have to go with something but it's relatively easy to move the conversation on to something else if it's not what one or both people want to talk about. I've had times in my life where I've had a job I loved talking about and that other people were always interested in hearing about too, and times when I've not been working due to ill health where I've felt a little insecure. But ultimately it's never an unexpected question so you have plenty of time to think about how you might answer if things aren't all rosy - most people are just trying to connect and find ways to engage.

And I stand by my assertion that there's no such thing as a boring question - most questions can be answered in interesting ways. Your job might be dull but surely you have an eccentric colleague or a crazy ex-client who you can tell a few stories about. If not, move on to something you'd rather talk about. There are lots of fairly obvious and easy pivots from a question as common as what do you do for work.

Yeah to me that just seems to be a group of people each shouting into the wind that just happen to be in the same location. It's multiple monologues rather than a dialogue between people. It's something I personally would give up on very quickly.

See, if someone said to me “Ella started her new job on Monday” and then just didn’t say anything else, I’d find that really peculiar and wonder why they bothered telling me in the first place 🤣

That is definitely a 'you' issue, saying something and then hesitating before continuing is a VERY common way of gauging interest, if you get nothing back, you'd likely feel like the other person isn't listening or isn't interested (which it doesn't sound like you are in fairness), so would tailor their conversation with that in mind.

I'd most likely say at that point, 'oh yes, how did she get on?' or but then I'm not a selfish conversationalist, if I'm interested in chatting to them I will prompt them in the appropriate places to show I'm listening and engaged and let them talk about whatever they have brought up.

With respect I think you may be exactly the sort of person OP was referring to, you don't seem to understand social cues, or care enough to implement them.

I’m not sure it’s my issue that other people are apparently incapable of talking about something without constant prompting from another person.

Luckily the people I know would just carry on telling me about Ella’s new job anyway.

In terms of social cues - you’re right, I don’t particularly care much about following a load of random made up rules that don’t make any logical sense half the time 🤷‍♀️

Who is saying anything about “rules”? It’s just showing an interest in other people.

Thinking about it most interactions I have with others be it family or friends is based on questions - “how was your day” “did your friends like your homemade biscuits” when teen gets home or asking friends how their week was etc. I can’t imagine how I would interact if I didn’t ask anyone any questions!

Luckily the people I know would just carry on telling me about Ella’s new job anyway.

So they monologue about Ella's job and you just sit there listening until they've finished? Do you interject with anything at any time? Body language, facial expression, nodding etc?

I’ve answered this multiple times on the thread already so don’t feel as though there’s any benefit in repeating myself.