People who don’t ask questions

[Bluedoor11]

We currently have family staying over. DH’s sister and brother in law plus three kids. We haven’t seen them in 10 years (they live abroad) so we were looking forward to it. All going very well, kids lovely, guests thoughtful (offered to cook and shop, clean, etc), but they just don’t ask ANY questions. We’ve asked about their lives, jobs, kids schools, friends, etc etc etc, but they just don’t reciprocate. Even when we just tell them about our lives - without being asked - they just stare and don’t ask follow up questions.

I don’t think it’s because they don’t care. Prob that they never learned to ask questions? We know other people that are exactly the same. I must admit, it drives me crazy! Why don’t people ask questions? It can really come across as lack of interest / not caring…

I can fall into the non asker category a bit, I think it's because when I was little I used to ask SO many questions I got told off for it and told it was rude, so I tend to err on the side of not asking rather than upset/offend people. I do ramble on though so I don't leave people to carry the conversation - I tend to get on vv well with people who either ask a lot of questions themselves or other people who have the communication style of rambling/oversharing and sometimes interrupting in excitement. TBH the people I feel most comfortable with to tend to be other people who do this, we do it to each other and don't mind at all.

I have tried to consciously swap these tendencies though over the last couple of years when I meet new people. I taught English for a while abroad and took over a v small class from another teacher and she had a brilliant tactic to get the students comfortable talking, and formulating grammatically correct questions which was that she would start them off and they would go around the circle and each student would have to think up 1-2 questions to ask the others about what they had said. So I adopted this tactic in conversation, plus I've started to ask the questions that I held back for worry they might be rude or intrusive and so far, nobody seems to have taken them that way, and they led to some REALLY interesting conversations, so I think I was overcorrecting the rule.

It's rude to ask how much money people make or how much their house is worth or how often they have sex - those are 'personal' questions about things that are generally private.

It's not rude to ask what a person's job is these days, what subjects kids like at school/are doing or GCSEs, where they're going on holiday this year etc. That's just showing an interest in people. I'm the first to say I can be bad at remembering to do this, but I do try to be aware.

Agree. IMO it’s SO rude to let someone carry the conversation and show zero interest in finding out anything about them… I have an old ‘friend’ who knows barely anything about my current life because she just never asks anything.

I am quite a quiet person and not a massive talker but even I can manage to have a conversation and know that you start off with the small talk questions and then (as another poster said) the conversation flows into something more organic and hopefully interesting to us both.

I went to evening college for a couple of years and there was a woman there who never asked a question or started a conversation. We both arrived at the same time due to our trains and would have about 20 mins before the rest of our group arrived. It was always me saying how are you? How was your week? Busy at work? How was your trip to Paris, did you like it etc? She would answer quite happily and then it was like she would zip her mouth up until I asked something else. I tried saying nothing except a cheery hello but then we just sat in uncomfortable silence for 20 mins. I started thinking maybe she wants me to leave her alone so I started sitting in different places so she could pretend not to see me but she always came to find me and seemed pleased to see me. It was just so strange and mentally exhausting.

There is a Here We Go episode about this exact thing - very funny. I think it’s “Cherry’s Wedding Dress”.

My DB had an emergency- very serious - operation 2 years ago, which is still impacting his life now. When I see him I ask him how he is, because I care and I want to know 🤷🏻‍♀️

Quite the opposite. It's rude not to. How else do you have a conversation?! The questions don't have to be 'personal' (e.g.salary/politics/sex) but questions do show an interest in the other person and it's bad manners not to engage/ask questions back. To me it shows a big lack of social skills

Well I think it is in his world. But to me that is not how conversation works. I do update him if there’s big news that he wouldn’t know to ask about. But he literally never asks anything. My mum on the other hand (they are not together) knows what’s going on in our lives, texts me to ask ‘how did the school show go/is the dc’s cold better/ do you have a good recipe for cheese scones’ etc etc! My dad has no relationships with the rest of his family, my mum is run off her feet with family and people who want to spend time with her.

He is expecting me to just furnish him with information, with zero effort or demonstrating of caring on his part. It’s not a relationship in my view, or not one where I feel valued. I keep it going more for the sake of my kids.

I can really relate to this, I find social situations really hard, and I try to ask questions as that's what I've been advised to do, but it's really hard unless I plan ahead.

And sometimes they ask me the questions was planning, then I don't know what to do - it feels awkward to just ask the same thing?!

so ask about something you are interested in then! Do you literally not talk to your partner, kids, colleagues? There's a whole world of things to discuss. Or would you literally rather sit in silence in someone's house for several days, when they've been gracious enough to host you. Because that's not awkward or rude at all!

I swear this place is "peopled" by AI robots sometimes, who seem to be under the impression that questions are broken down into 2 categories
"safe = impersonal but boring."
or
"rude and intrusive."

Whereas anyone with the slightest skill at personal interaction would be able to dredge up at least a handful of topics that don't come under either but a marvellous third option "normal human conversation."

I agree.

They need to get to know you a bit better first. I hate being questioned and never ask any questions except the most necessary and innocuous.

I get what namechange is saying. When I receive new information I tend to need processing time for it. I don't fully process it right there in the moment, so questions often come up for me later. I wonder if it's an ND thing because one of the school staff said the same about my DS - that if you try to talk to him in the moment or shortly after something has happened, you'll get a load of "I don't know" or reflexive "I didn't!" and other unhelpful responses. But if you talk to him about it a couple of days later he can reflect on it in astonishing detail. It's like a video that hasn't finished buffering.

Sometimes I get really interested in a topic and binge watch loads of documentaries or talks or read several papers about it and then it goes into what I have sometimes called "the marinating stage" where my brain does something magic with the information and a few days later, I have a complete map of that topic in my head and I can manipulate it and organise it in all sorts of different ways and explain it to others in a way people have often told me is brilliant. But I struggle to do that kind of thing in the moment, even on a smaller scale like a conversation, and social norms very much hinge on having the right reaction in the moment.

I wouldn’t ever go to anyone’s house for several days - that sounds utterly dreadful 😂

Anyway to answer your question - I don’t have children or colleagues so don’t have to navigate any of those social situations. When I see my friends and family we talk about travel, hobbies, animals, food, films, music etc, not jobs or health unless there’s anything important that the other person ought to know about.

I’ll also fully admit I’m shit at human interaction - I’m autistic and don’t much care for it generally.

And sometimes they ask me the questions was planning, then I don't know what to do - it feels awkward to just ask the same thing?!

No! This is a really good strategy, actually. Asking the same thing back tends to work really well. You just have to add something like "How about you?" e.g. they ask if you have children, you tell them about your children and then "How about you? Have you got children?" or if you already know that they have at least one, change it slightly - "How about you? Do you have other children?"

It's usually a really good sign if they ask you a question you were thinking of asking, as it means it's the right level of familiarity and they think that the answer might lead to something in common or something to discuss.

I agree with the people saying they just don't care.
I ask questions if I am genuinely interested but don't if I couldn't give a shit. Small talk type questions are excruciating.

I've got some of these in my family! I let them talk about themselves out of politeness as I don't see them that often, but it is the same (very limited) topics as they never go anywhere or do anything, apart from work, and they NEVER ask questions, to me it comes across as they just aren't interested, but it really stunts conversations, especially if any questions I ask them to prompt results in one word answers!

They don't watch any TV shows or follow current affairs in any sort of way.. they don't listen to music or watch films.. they don't do any activities, or go out with friends, they always eat at the same place, it's fucking hard work to have any sort of interesting conversation to be honest so we usually play games instead which takes the pressure right off their complete lack of conversational abilities!

It’s clearly rude not to do your half of keeping a conversation going. Conversation skills used to be taught at finishing schools because drawing people out and being a good guest at dinner were, and are, important life-skills.

Equally, however, subjecting people to a barrage of specific questions that are obviously fact-finding as opposed to discursive or qualitative is rude verging on bullying. I’ve been on the receiving end of this - imagine a group of eg eight round a table with one person ‘inquisiting’ and one person answering. The only way to get away from it was to leave the table (also rude but necessary).

I am a question asker and I find it disconcerting when people don't.

However - maybe there's a cultural element sometimes? People are saying that it's how conversation works. But I recall hearing someone explain that in their culture, conversation worked differently.

Someone would make a statement about their life. The other person would add a statement. This would be repeated, building up layers of conversation, no questions asked. Was very interesting to learn about!

They may be self-absorbed or just plain boring, but there are other reasons people don’t ask questions. I was brought up being told it was nosy to ask people questions about their lives, plus my mother isn’t very interested in other people anyway so I didn’t see it modelled very much growing up. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I realised it was normal to ask people questions in order to get to know them and show interest. It was quite hard getting past the conditioning actually.

I was encouraged as a child to make conversation. It's social skills.

I try 3 times with people and if there is no response I rarely bother again.

This drives me mad. It makes conversation impossible or awkward. Then there's the ones who do chat but it's all about them and you can't get a word in. Why do they think you want to hear all about them?

🤔 How do you get to know someone without asking any questions though?

It's really not. Asking about people's finances, or sex life might be. Asking where they've been on holiday or what their kids are up to, or what their plans are for the weekend - that's completely normal.

Possibly your friend kept asking you questions because you were answering hers but not asking her anything back. So she asked you another question to keep the conversation going!

It's not personal questions OP is referring to though, it's ANY questions, some people would sit through an entire 'conversation' and not ask a single thing at all.. which to me is bizarre!

Watched any good tv shows lately?
Read any good books?
Been out to any nice restaurants?
Got anything planned this year?
How are the kids getting on at school/college/work etc?
How's DH/DW?
How's your mum/dad?
Do you have any hobbies?
Do you have any pets? - you find a fellow dog person and even the most conversationally stunted people act like they've known you for 10 years!!
Did you see this/that/the other thing that has happened in the news lately?

None of those are necessarily personal questions, but have the ability to push past the mundane into the realms of interesting discussions if you are both receptive. I hate small talk, for small talks sake (which is why I hate going to the hairdressers!) but I love talking to people and getting to understand their views on life, if you get used to that way of back and forth conversation with people you know, it becomes quite easy for people to feel comfortable enough with you to talk about pretty much anything, it's amazing where conversations can lead!

But I do push the envelope from time to time, and in fairness whenever I have asked something out of left field on the off chance, picking up from something they have said, it's like people are relieved to be able to offload their REAL thoughts, feelings & worries, and seem happy to have someone who actually listens.