My DH bought one of our children an expensive gift behind my back

[Shillie]

DH and I have 3 children, our eldest is 25, then 22 and 20.

For Christmas we don’t spend big, a stocking if they are here on Christmas morning, a gift they have asked for and something we chose for them. All in we probably spend £100 per child.

Today I was on our Etsy account looking at some gifts for a friends birthday, I clicked into the previous purchases to find a seller I had used before and saw the last purchase was not long ago and was for a £250 chess set.
My husband sometimes play chess so I assumed he had bought it for himself and not mentioned it as we were so busy with Christmas. It looked lovely so I asked him about it, mostly wanting to see it.

He then told me he had bought it for our eldest child for Christmas. I asked why he didn’t tell me and he said I would have just said no as we couldn’t afford to spend that on all of them but he really wanted to get it for DD as it matches the decor style of her new flat.

I am so angry! First of all, our finances are joined and we generally agree any big purchase has to be agreed on. Second of all clear favouritism towards one child. Third of all he has asked DD to keep secrets from me and her siblings!

He thinks I’m being over dramatic but I am hurt, angry and outraged. Especially as DD now has had £350 on her Christmas which is over three times that of her siblings!

AIBU to be outraged?

I think outraged is a bit much, very annoyed certainly. Keeping it all a big secret is weird - although who wouldn't say no to spending £250 on a flipping chess board!

Was DD really pleased to get a £250 chess board or was it really just something he wanted but couldn't justify for himself?

I think he needs to work out how he's going to make it up to the other kids.

Unless he always favours her, I wouldn’t have an issue with it.

Sometimes you think of something really nice which one of your children would really like and would make them happy. It doesn’t mean you have to immediately spend the exact equal amount of money on the others, even if there’s nothing they particularly want at the moment.

Unless one child is strongly favoured then I would expect things like this to even out over time.

It’s also quite nice that her Dad made the effort to think of and buy her something nice of his own volition. Most men you hear about on MN never participate in any Christmas shopping, even for their own mothers etc, so that’s actually quite good as well!

I think it’s a bit naughty but I also think you’re massively over reacting.

I’m one of three and sometimes one of us has had a much more expensive Xmas present than the other from our parents simply because that’s what they wanted and there’s no point deliberately spending more on everyone for stuff they haven’t asked for/don’t want just to justify a one off treat for one child - I’ve never batted an eyelid!

I agree with you. The other children would be very hurt especially if they find out he asked to keep it a secret.

DD will have loved it, she adores chess and it was in unique colour way and well made by the sounds of it.

He saw something nice, and bought it .. doesn’t mean he loves her more.

I think it’s more odd that he feels the need to creep about and lie (by omission ) , are you particularly controlling with finances ?

any who beancounts the amount spent on adult children? Why does it need to be exactly the same? I’ve no clue what my Mum spent on me compared to my siblings

I think he generally has a slight preference towards DD as they have the most in common, however not normally would he show it explicitly.

I'd be worried the other adult children found out and wondered why they also didn't get something thoughtful from their dad

I could get past the extra spending as a one-off gift that you know someone will absolutely love. But I’d be so hurt by how he went about it - not telling you about it so presumably he’s given it just from him rather than from both of you, and it being a secret between them excluding you and the other two kids. That’s deceitful.

Treating children equitably doesn’t mean they always get the exact same stuff at the same time or the exact same value. Maybe next Christmas there will be something that is really appropriate for one of your other children that costs more. It’s not necessary to try to match everything every time. It just ends up being mercenary.

If it’s a repeated pattern then that’s an issue, but over time these things often even out, without having to keep a note of who has had what.

I’d be interested to know why he didn’t mention it though. Why would it have been that big a deal in the first place?

Just make it up to the other two and spend a bit more on their birthdays. Problem solved. I think your being a little tight.

I have 3 children and agree that I don’t always spend the exact same amount on my children, it depends what they have asked for. I also buy things they need at other times. it balances out

Sorry to go off on a tangent - Have you spoken to your daughter about it? Was it definitely her that it was actually given to? If it were me I would be doing a bit more digging to get all the facts…

Why do you think he hid it from you? Would you have been angry?

I messaged DD asking if she could send a pic or video of it as I wanted to see it and she has done so.

Why wasn't the chess set the official thing that you jointly bought her since it sounds like a really well suited gift, and would the other 2 really have known that it cost a lot more than whatever they got?

The weird thing about this is how he felt he needed to deal with the idea

Because I wouldn’t have agreed to spending that much more on one child than the others at Christmas, we can’t afford to do that.

@Shillie phew! That’s one less thing to worry about!

If it's not consistent favouritism towards one and it's likely to even out at some point I wouldn't be worried about that part of it. We spent over twice the amount on my eldest as his brother as he needed a PC, getting his brother essentially everything he asked for and more didn't take it up to even half the value. But at some point I'm sure he will need a computer or laptop for school, or will want a console or something expensive, so it will even out over time

So he gave it to her on a separate occasion, when you and her siblings weren't there? And specifically from him and not both of you?

If so, that's what would make me angry, and what feels underhand.

I think your husband can give his own daughter a special one off gift if he wants to. Your reaction is a lot!

I guess it's because she likes chess which aligns with his own interests. He wanted to share that commonality and he probably would've really like the chessboard himself truth be told. Anyway, yes it was naughty to favour one and not the others and also to encourage her to lie to you. The present could have been saved for a big birthday or graduation. I would personally temper my reaction based on what sort of marriage you have. Is he generally a good man? Is your marriage reasonably happy? If yes to both, then I personally wouldn't go nuclear on this.

I couldn’t get mad about this, but I can’t imagine a scenario where this would happen with us as we could afford it so therefore it wouldn’t need to be a secret. Sometimes we spend more on one dc than another depending on what they want/need.

The fact he’s felt the need to keep it a secret from you isn’t good. I’d let it go this time and don’t make your dd feel bad about it.

I think it’s out of order if it’s shared money. I also would worry what the other children would feel life if they knew. They’re only very young adults and I imagine it would sting a bit. I think I would be using this as an excuse to separate finances (if you’re earning money) Tell him he’s broken your trust and you are taking control of your own finances going forward so you can feel confident that you won’t have your money spent without your knowledge. I would let the anger go but hit him with something that makes him realise that breaking your trust is a serious issue in a marriage. To those people who don’t think it’s a big deal remember they don’t know what your finances look like, it might be a huge percentage of your disposable income.

The only issue I see is not being upfront about it . We have 2 now adult children and I can’t say that I’ve ever matched the cost of birthday / Christmas presents , they get what I think they will like or have shown an interest in . I’ve absolutely no intention of trying to spend £400 on my daughter because my son wants a £400 Lego set or vice versa . Provided everyone is happy with their presents I can’t see the problem .