My DH bought one of our children an expensive gift behind my back

[Shillie]

DH and I have 3 children, our eldest is 25, then 22 and 20.

For Christmas we don’t spend big, a stocking if they are here on Christmas morning, a gift they have asked for and something we chose for them. All in we probably spend £100 per child.

Today I was on our Etsy account looking at some gifts for a friends birthday, I clicked into the previous purchases to find a seller I had used before and saw the last purchase was not long ago and was for a £250 chess set.
My husband sometimes play chess so I assumed he had bought it for himself and not mentioned it as we were so busy with Christmas. It looked lovely so I asked him about it, mostly wanting to see it.

He then told me he had bought it for our eldest child for Christmas. I asked why he didn’t tell me and he said I would have just said no as we couldn’t afford to spend that on all of them but he really wanted to get it for DD as it matches the decor style of her new flat.

I am so angry! First of all, our finances are joined and we generally agree any big purchase has to be agreed on. Second of all clear favouritism towards one child. Third of all he has asked DD to keep secrets from me and her siblings!

He thinks I’m being over dramatic but I am hurt, angry and outraged. Especially as DD now has had £350 on her Christmas which is over three times that of her siblings!

AIBU to be outraged?

Sorry, whaaat? 🤔😂

Your children are adults and as adults it’s really a case of it’s your money your choice. That is always how I have seen my parents choices regarding their money anyway. But I guess you can be annoyed that yoyr dh didn’t discuss it with you first. Maybe something to have a good chat about (and I don’t think getting angry about it will improve the situation - more likely justify his choice to himself to keep it from you).

I think he should be able to treat her if he wants to. Sounds like a lovely present. I think you sound quite controlling so I would have done what DH did.

I think you sound controlling.

And he sounds deceitful.

And the children sound like they are caught up in that.

YABVU

From what you have said about your financial set up your husband used his personal spends to buy a present for one of his daughters…In this situation I would say that the fact he had to hide this from you reflects badly on you OP, not him.

It sounds utterly magnificent.

He is deceitful because she is controlling. This situation is of her making.

They are adults not children and it’s a new flat gift, couldn’t get mad at that. Sounds thoughtful.

Massive overreaction IMO

I bought DC1 a bike for xmas and DC2 a couple of little bits. Mainly because of their age, but doesn’t mean i favour one child and if my DH had told me off for wanting to spend money on one of my kids, i’d have told him to fuck off.

I don’t how people can be so cool about a husband purposely going behind his wife’s back, gifting 3 x the amount that the other siblings received when its joint family money and they can’t really afford it and then told his favourite child daughter to keep quiet about it!
What world do you people live in?!
@Shillie, I’d be furious too. Incredibly deceitful and unfair.

Isn’t it best to buy a well thought out gift for each of them rather than be restrained by budget. Something that means more, such as the gift in debate.

I have found this thread fascinating. I am actually surprised that so many people don't have a problem with it.

I would have issues with this

1. we have joint finances for stuff like this. For us £250 is a large purchase and a significant amount. I would be taken aback that that much had been spent without us agreeing jointly. Unless this is normal spending eg fixing car. That is not being controlling, it is making joint decisions
2. it is unfair to spend £350 on one and £100 on the other. If he had been up front, then it would have been £250 v. £100, because it would be her present. While I don't think you have to penny count, I do think there has to be seen to be fairness. That doesn't mean the others get extra now. It might mean that you look out for a way in which you can give an extra gift to the others in the next year or so. Loads of people saying it is fine to spend more on one than the other, I see so many threads on mn about favouritism, how do your 3 kids view their relationship with Dad? Do they think he has a favourite?
3. I would be very uncomfortable with the - don't tell mum and don't tell your siblings. That is really off and would upset me a lot.

On the plus side, I think it is lovely that he say this and thought of her and how much it suited her and her new flat. I think that is lovely, and a wonderful reflection of their relationship. The best present are bought this way. Would he/could he do the same for the others? If not I think that answers the favouritism question

If you have a joint account why didn’t you notice the payment ?

I always check my bank account and to have an extra £250 out of it esp around Xmas would be obvious

yes wrong to have brought it esp as already had a present and the fact he didn’t say to you

is dh likely to play with it with dd. So kinda a pressie for himself ?

Well he was right wasn’t he? You did just say no. 😂

It is a chess set not a chess board. £250 just for a board would have been a bit OTT

Just even up the other kids later.

I wouldn't be happy, but think you are massively overreacting...

Honestly ,I can't see what the fuss is about. Your DH bought something special for his DC. Something she would love. He didn't tell you because he wanted to avoid an argument. He was right. You have posted on this thread.
Surely when you are married you can make your own decision now and then. This is a lovely gift. Most siblings don't go around counting how much is spent on each of them. If they do you can reassure them that their turn will c ome
An extra special birthday present maybe. My only issue is if he couldn't really afford it and essential purchases are compromised.
O2therwise be happy for her. Don't make her feel guilty.

but presumably you intend to also spend more on the 4 year old when they get older? You aren't intending to massively outspend on the 10 year old for the rest of their lives? It's just that the 4 year old doesn't need as much at the moment (and also, unlike OP's DC, isn't old enough to understand how much different things cost anyway).

That's the difference here - OP's DH doesn't seem to have any intention of buying anything similar (and by "similar" I mean "a special gift that references their shared interest that they wouldn't be able to buy themselves", rather than "spending the exact amount on an equivalent") for the other DC. He didn't say "Of course I'll get X something when they move out," or "You're not taking into account the £££ we spend on Y's music lessons every year," or "it might not cost £250 but I spent ages queuing up to get that signed Taylor Swift album/favourite footballer's poster last year for Z's birthday."

He kept it secret because he has no intention of doing the same for the others. OP basically said that DD is his favourite and he is essentially rewarding her for having the same interests as him, and punishing the other DC for not sharing them. Which is unfair, and poor parenting.

That's why it's wrong, not a slavish insistence on spending the exact amount on each DC down to the penny!

100 is extremely low from parents so I'm not surprised he got him something.

So you were ok when you thought he had treated himself OP? But ‘angry’ when you found out it was for your DD…. Bizarre. Your ‘children’ are all adults and surely able to deal with a discrepancy in gifts.

I'd be very hurt he told DD to keep the gift secret from me. He should have suggested DD have it as her main gift for Xmas from you both as joint finances. Instead he made DD know this gift was from him and you were not to know about it. I'd gift other 2 DC £250 each from joint account just to show DH you won't tolerate him overtly favouring DD. I wouldn't mind the gift it's the hiding it from me that I would be upset about.

I really, really hate this.
£100 is what their family do, and have done for years.
It is normal for them.
Who are you to police what is or is not an acceptable amount to spend on Christmas?
And if it is normal for them then he isn't going to be going - Oh I need to buy her something else, because that is what they spend. And if he does feel that, how come he didn't feel it for the other 2 kids?

We need to really get away from the idea that you have to spend a certain amount at Christmas. It pushes families into debt. I know the OP can afford it, but many can't and it is OK to say - our budget is xxx amount.

If £100 is normal for your family - for whatever reason - then that is fine.

Sometimes MN is like a foreign country.

Maybe you need to try to get out of your bubble (and the very comfortably off Mumsnet bubble), bones.