My DH bought one of our children an expensive gift behind my back

[Shillie]

DH and I have 3 children, our eldest is 25, then 22 and 20.

For Christmas we don’t spend big, a stocking if they are here on Christmas morning, a gift they have asked for and something we chose for them. All in we probably spend £100 per child.

Today I was on our Etsy account looking at some gifts for a friends birthday, I clicked into the previous purchases to find a seller I had used before and saw the last purchase was not long ago and was for a £250 chess set.
My husband sometimes play chess so I assumed he had bought it for himself and not mentioned it as we were so busy with Christmas. It looked lovely so I asked him about it, mostly wanting to see it.

He then told me he had bought it for our eldest child for Christmas. I asked why he didn’t tell me and he said I would have just said no as we couldn’t afford to spend that on all of them but he really wanted to get it for DD as it matches the decor style of her new flat.

I am so angry! First of all, our finances are joined and we generally agree any big purchase has to be agreed on. Second of all clear favouritism towards one child. Third of all he has asked DD to keep secrets from me and her siblings!

He thinks I’m being over dramatic but I am hurt, angry and outraged. Especially as DD now has had £350 on her Christmas which is over three times that of her siblings!

AIBU to be outraged?

I think you might be a bit controlling if he had to go behind your back to buy your daughter a chess set. When your other DD's want or need something a bit more expensive, you can even things out. It doesn't have to all be at the same time now that they are adults.

I'd be more worried if my partner felt he couldn't buy what sounds a lovely thoughtful gift for his child without having to lie to me about it. Because I'd feel I needed to reflect on how much control I was exercising in our household, and whether that was a healthy dynamic.

They've had to keep it from you because they knew what your reaction would be. He should be able to treat his DD if he sees something perfect for her. You didn't seem to mind when you thought it was for him so its obviously not caused financial difficulty.

The kids are adults. Making sure they get the same spent on them is very weird. Complete overreaction

"I am so angry! First of all, our finances are joined and we generally agree any big purchase has to be agreed on. Second of all clear favouritism towards one child. Third of all he has asked DD to keep secrets from me and her siblings!"
Points one and two are bad, but to me the third point is the biggest point of all.

He actually asked your daughter to not tell her two siblings or her mother that their father/husband bought her something. He asked her to lie (either directly or by omission) to the rest of the family. HER family. That's a hell of a burden to place on her shoulders! And could potentially drive a wedge between them.

This is a total fiction I have made up, but - what if she felt reluctant to invite her siblings over in case they queried her lovely new chess set? 'Ooh, lovely, where did you get that from?' is a perfectly normal reaction. Which she will either have to answer with a pre-prepared fudge/lie or stumble over. Not nice for her, or siblings.

"he really wanted to get it for DD as it matches the decor style of her new flat."
How new is her flat? Could this extra Christmas gift be relabelled as a housewarming gift? 'Your dad saw this and knew you'd love it but Christmas was so busy I never got the chance to even see your housewarming gift. Oh, he didn't say it was for housewarming? What is he like? <rolls eyes>

Do you think you could get away with that?

I am one of four children. Very occasionally my parents would buy something big for one of us, something needed or very much wanted, without feeling the need to buy something big for the rest of us. But then it would happen to each of us over the years, so it all evens out.

No issue with this, as long as it's not the same child getting things over and over again. A little issue is that he had to hide it from you.

I'm one of 3 and my parents are the same. It's never bothered me. I wasn't brought up to keep score and check we all had the same. We all got what we needed and also treated with things we wanted.
I'm raising my DC the same, if they ever tried checking the price of gifts and comparing I'd be letting them know how rude and ungrateful that is.

I'd feel weird about this. Especially his attitude to shared funds being "I knew you'd say no so I did it anyway" 🤨

And he's taken all the credit for this to earn brownie points with DD, despite it being half your money. That's more than a bit shit of him.

But I can't help noticing you were fine with this purchase when you thought he'd bought it for himself without consulting you. And him spending that much on a chess set in general doesn't seem to bother you. Which makes me wonder if the finances aspect of all this is less of a concern for you than the parenting one. Or if he generally gets to play by different rules with the family finances?

How would he react if you bought yourself a £250 tea set on a whim?

I wouldn't be bothered by the amount relative to the others as they're all adults, but I would feel really icky about the lie and the secrecy.

@Shillie, would it help you to think of it as a house-warming gift rather than a Christmas gift. So it's a separate thing altogether. You mentioned DD is in a new flat.

The secrecy was the thing that was wrong.

See it as a flat-warming present, and get something special for the others when they set up home.

You’re over simplifying it, as are many others. He lied about it, it’s from shared money, he asked the child to lie about it to her Mum and siblings, he used some of OP’s money to buy the gift but denied her a ‘thank you’ If he had a problem with the £100 budget then he should have had an adult conversation with his wife about it. He didn’t ask and get denied, he did it without talking to her.

Apparently you can 😆

It sounds a lovely thing to do if he can afford it - and he tried to keep it on the downlow so he actually didn't need to spend on the others!

I think in my family it would balance out over time?

I do understand if finances tight but if out of the budget he has he wanted to treat her, within a normal family context it seems a little uptight to mind so much?

Yet it took you 24 days to notice!

Most people would have noticed before now if their bank account was short by £250 especially if they couldn’t afford to lose it. You only noticed as you accessed your Etsy account.

Do you just have a problem with your husband not clearing this purchase with you first?

Assuming your DH works, he does have the right to buy things without your say so.

If the kids are zealously calculating how much you have spent on their siblings, that's your problem. Not your husband treating his own child to what sounds like an extremely thoughtful present.

Money =/= love, OP.

I would do some self reflection on why he felt he had to hide it from you.

She’s bought her first home and her Dad has bought her a chess board as it’s a shared interest they have and he thought it would match the decor. He’s kept it under the radar so it’s their little thing.

Bloody hell, I think millions of women would chop their arm off for a husband like this! Cut the poor bloke some slack.

He seems like a loving Dad.

No one will tell me what I can and can’t spend money on. Read some of the threads where blokes are blowing the universal credit on coke and hookers - then you’d have a genuine reason to be angry, hurt and outraged. But this?????

YABU. If you are normally this bossy, I don't wonder he hid it from you. The only way I'd be upset about this is if this is a regular pattern of favouring that one child. Is it?

Oh good lord. You really think a chess set is a 'mistress' gift!? Now I've heard it all 😂

Your outrage explains why he didn't tell you.
I can't imagine a world where my siblings and I got exactly the same value item ALL the time.
That's a ridiculous expectation, and it's likely something will come up for the other children at different times.

Oh here we go...🙄

Why? Life doesn't always have to be 100% equal for everyone at all times. You sound really controlling. I think that you should take this incident as a wake up call to be less bossy and schoolmarmish.

That made me roll my eyes so damn hard. There's always someone hanging around, trying to insert an affair into every thread 🙄 🥱.

You might think that he has to spend the same on all of them, but he obviously doesn't. If it was a one off, new flat gift, combined with Christmas, it wasn't for you to tell him no. When the others have a new home, then you do the same. Otherwise life is bloody joyless. It's a gift that she will get lots of use out of and looks good, as a decoration. It's the lying part that isn't great. But you need to reflect on how controlling you are.