My DH bought one of our children an expensive gift behind my back

[Shillie]

DH and I have 3 children, our eldest is 25, then 22 and 20.

For Christmas we don’t spend big, a stocking if they are here on Christmas morning, a gift they have asked for and something we chose for them. All in we probably spend £100 per child.

Today I was on our Etsy account looking at some gifts for a friends birthday, I clicked into the previous purchases to find a seller I had used before and saw the last purchase was not long ago and was for a £250 chess set.
My husband sometimes play chess so I assumed he had bought it for himself and not mentioned it as we were so busy with Christmas. It looked lovely so I asked him about it, mostly wanting to see it.

He then told me he had bought it for our eldest child for Christmas. I asked why he didn’t tell me and he said I would have just said no as we couldn’t afford to spend that on all of them but he really wanted to get it for DD as it matches the decor style of her new flat.

I am so angry! First of all, our finances are joined and we generally agree any big purchase has to be agreed on. Second of all clear favouritism towards one child. Third of all he has asked DD to keep secrets from me and her siblings!

He thinks I’m being over dramatic but I am hurt, angry and outraged. Especially as DD now has had £350 on her Christmas which is over three times that of her siblings!

AIBU to be outraged?

I think that unless one of the others was denied a present on the grounds of it being too expensive, this sort of thing is fine as a one-off. As pp have mentioned, sometimes a child will desperately want something more expensive than their sibling’s heart’s desire, and it does seem daft to buy things just to make up a random value.

I know people who get antsy if the number of gifts to open is different, and I find that nuts- here, we all offer a list of things we would like, at different price points, and not expect to get everything. Maybe just one gift if it’s at the top end of budget.
If there isn’t anything particular at that moment that someone wants, we just get them things they like and don’t worry if we are spending more on someone else who’s asked for a special item.

He should have told you but sometimes you see just the right thing for just the right person.

And the thought really is what counts. I wouldn’t have thought twice had my parents bought just the right thing for my sibling. Swings and roundabouts, another time another D.C. might need or want something in particular.

An insistence on matching value… what’s that about? I doubt anyone would have googled the price.

I’d be very annoyed but I’m not sure I’d reach the level of outraged. Something similar (but not the same) happened recently and I was very pissed off so I don’t blame you for being angry.

I’m with you. It’s a lovely gift but it’s not fair on the siblings, and the “don’t tell mum” thing is a bit shit (both for your budgeting, and because it makes him fun dad and you mean mum).

In our family if there’s a big gift it gets given for Christmas and birthday combined. Something like that might have worked better, or saving it for a big birthday.

I think it’s very sad that your husband feels he has to hide buying his daughter a present from you. Never being able to buy your child a gift that’s over £100 sounds hard/ mean unless you really can’t afford it. I think you need to think about your own behaviour as to why this situation happened and what you should do differently.
how would you have reacted if your husband had come to you and said he wanted to buy it for her?

it is more than on the other children at the moment but that can rectified by getting them something bigger at another point in time when he sees something they would like.

If he had found the chess set and said to you “Look, this would be a perfect gift for DD…I know it’s a bit more than we would usually spend but can we get this and ditch any other gifts for her” that would have been fine. My issue here is that he ended up giving her something extra without having a conversation. It does smack of favouritism and as a previous poster said, giving one child more than others is something that could cause an issue later on. We see it all the time on here when one poster feels others in the family have been treated favourably.

The fact he went and purchased it privately without having a conversation and making a plan would be my concern. It’s a “don’t tell your mother” situation which is unfair. The chess set should have been from you both.

I would t bat an eyelid. They are all adults, it’s do lovely that her dad got her a wee special present. Something that matches her wee house and she will always have and remember.
at some point he will do something similar for the others. It’s a lovely gesture and you are overreacting

I'm finding it odd a few posters say he should have asked the OP for permission to buy the gift...if the roles were reversed this thread would be full of people questioning if the OPs husband was financially abusive and why she had no agency to buy her own child a gift from her own money without seeking permission.

I also don’t understand the obsession with being equal all the time. My kids are 4 and 10. I spent about 3x more on my 10yo than 4yo. They were happy with what they received. I would be upset if they grow up keeping a tally of everything

It’s not from him though is it? It’s only half from him. I think if £125 of my money had been used to buy something from someone then I would deserve a thank you. We all see it differently and that’s fine, that’s why it’s good that you get different answers where not everyone agrees.

You sound controlling

I agree, my DH just took our middle DC to a £250 per ticket show, another year his DB was treated to American football tickets. It all evens out over time, or close enough.

Lots of issues here.
rigid rules
secrets
passive aggression
favouring
controlling

Hurt, angry and outraged? Calm down. This wouldn’t bother me at all. I actually think it’s quite sweet. You would have said no, so he cracked on anyway.

This is minimising the issues and almost victim-blaming.

It sounds like a classic case of coercive control by the “D”H, toxic masculinity, gaslighting and financial abuse. Clear red flags indicating a cycle of abuse. OP, are you unsafe?
You need to get your ducks in a row, call Women’s Aid and go no contact with your whole family.

I agree. It all evens out. I lost complete track of what I spent of each child. Sometimes I tell my older ‘Don’t tell your sister about this, I’ll buy it for you but don’t utter a word!’ I don’t have favourites but I’ll treat them both as and when.

I think it’s a touching gift from her Dad and her Dad alone. A chess set is something she’ll treasure forever. If my DH did something like this for my DD I’d be touched.

Would it be “okay” if he had used the money from his allocated spending? Or is it just in general you don’t want that amount spending on DD?

Perfectly equal spending to the penny is a joyless way to treat your children. Spending £350 on one child and £100 on the others is blatant favouritism. I’m with you, OP - it’s not okay to so obviously prefer one child over the others. And it’s even worse to tell that child to lie to the others to cover it up.

...he really wanted to get it for DD as it matches the decor style of her new flat.

So in a way it was special housewarming present from a dad to his daughter...presumably out of his allocated budget share, and referencing their common interest.

I think this is really lovely and thoughtful. Maybe the keeping it secret wasn't ideal but you sound like a controlling killjoy so I can see why he did tbh.

I rarely spend the same amount on my adult childrens presents. None of them tally up the cost of their presents either.

I just buy them what they want or what I think they might like.

Is dd the first to move out/ get her own flat?

If so I would just count it as a housewarming present and do similar for the others when they get their own flats to keep it fair.

I would also be having a conversation with dh about keeping secrets.
Possibly worth reflecting on whether you’re prone to very rigid thinking or tend to be set in your ideas/closed to discussion too.

It’s £250 not £2500. If he’s not favouring her all the time sometimes it’s nice to treat one child when appropriate. They’re all adults so it doesn’t always have to be equal anymore. He loves his daughter… I couldn’t be furious about that.

I'm impressed that your husband buys presents and is aware of what would match your daughter's decor tbh.

Did you not notice him give it to her?

But you’re meant to be one household with a shared life, not penny pinching and tit for tat. That’s my opinion, as you said, we all have different views.