My DH bought one of our children an expensive gift behind my back

[Shillie]

DH and I have 3 children, our eldest is 25, then 22 and 20.

For Christmas we don’t spend big, a stocking if they are here on Christmas morning, a gift they have asked for and something we chose for them. All in we probably spend £100 per child.

Today I was on our Etsy account looking at some gifts for a friends birthday, I clicked into the previous purchases to find a seller I had used before and saw the last purchase was not long ago and was for a £250 chess set.
My husband sometimes play chess so I assumed he had bought it for himself and not mentioned it as we were so busy with Christmas. It looked lovely so I asked him about it, mostly wanting to see it.

He then told me he had bought it for our eldest child for Christmas. I asked why he didn’t tell me and he said I would have just said no as we couldn’t afford to spend that on all of them but he really wanted to get it for DD as it matches the decor style of her new flat.

I am so angry! First of all, our finances are joined and we generally agree any big purchase has to be agreed on. Second of all clear favouritism towards one child. Third of all he has asked DD to keep secrets from me and her siblings!

He thinks I’m being over dramatic but I am hurt, angry and outraged. Especially as DD now has had £350 on her Christmas which is over three times that of her siblings!

AIBU to be outraged?

This seems a pretty big reaction to a lovely gift for a dc. Does your DH have a habit of spending money that isn’t available ? Is it about the way you both budget and communicate about money? I do agree with others that it needs balancing out over time with the other siblings.

She’ll treasure it when she’s older and her dad is gone OP. Don’t ruin it for them.
just make sure he treats the other two over the next few years, it’s really not a big deal

He then told me he had bought it for our eldest child for Christmas. …he really wanted to get it for DD as it matches the decor style of her new flat.

Sounds like it was a housewarming gift then. That’s incredibly thoughtful of him. If my dad had selected something he knew I’d like in a specific design to match my new place I would cherish it forever.

Just do something similar for the younger two when they move into new flats/homes.

I don't really agree that you need absolute equality at this stage.

it's not like he gave DD a £40k house deposit and told the others they'd have to figure something out as he had none left.

it was a thoughtful present

he was probably right to hide it from you if you react like this over a nice gesture

They're in their 20s not single figures - if they got cut up about this then they need to grow up a bit. But I reckon they wouldn't be cut up about it unless there's a clear track record of the daughter being favoured. My mother-in-law has this thing about having to spend exactly the same on all her offspring - almost to the pound - and it's just odd. If one gets something particularly expensive for whatever reason then it means the others get a load of filler presents that are only there to redress the balance. Load of fuss over nothing IMO.

Just remember to buy all your children something especially thoughtful on their 25th Christmas, make it a family tradition. He should have pitched the gift idea to you but sounds like you would have shut him down.

Fairness is all good and well but it shouldn't remove the pleasure of seeing a child really appreciate a gift that they will treasure for years.

Difference between equality and equity surely. Presumably when the other 2 get a new flat he’ll buy them something of similar value. A parent should be free to treat their child tbh. Hopefully you haven’t raised kids who watch what other people have spent on each other and compare.

You say you can't afford to spend more on your children but you have no issue with him spending £250 on a chess set for himself. I get buying equal gifts at Christmas specifially but not the spending issue or the lack of impulse and generosity allowed. He should be give his own gifts surely?

I don't really understand having to spend the same amount on each child every year, especially now they're adults and presumably didn't open their presents in front of each other. I get wanting to make sure it's equal over time, but just spend less on your DD's birthday and Christmas for the next year and put that money towards presents for the other kids. I'm sure your daughter will understand that she got an expensive gift this Christmas, so siblings will get more this year to balance things out. Better to buy a more expensive gift that's wanted and appreciated, than try to find things to buy to make up to a set budget.

Your DH was wrong to hide what he'd done, but if he knew you'd be angry I can understand why he did.

He can do. Over time. Life doesn't mean you have to treat your kids identically at all times. If one has just moved house, it would be ridiculous to buy everyone else a present because you are going to give them a housewarming gift. If somebody has an unexpected breakdown and needs expensive car repairs, you don't have to give the other kids cash as well. It's ok to do different gifts at different times, as long as overall they think they are equally loved and treated. And you would definitely have said if there was a gross imbalance here, other than this one time

I doubt the other children would even realise how much it cost unless you made a song and dance about it!

We never set out to spend exactly the same amount on each of our adult DC and families at Christmas or birthdays as it depends on their interests for a start.

DH often sends extra £££ to the oldest son as his family is less well off, so it’s nice to give them a bit extra for Christmas treats.

DS2 and his partner are both high earners plus her family treats them to luxury holidays etc. during the year.

So we only buy them token gifts and no extra £££.

I leave DH to buy all their gifts as he’s much better at choosing something suitable than I am.

I would be angry about him asking your DD to keep it a secret though and I think you’re justified in having that discussion.

In your shoes, I’d be telling him that he’ll need to make an effort to find something equally suitable for the others that’s a bit spendy for either their birthday or next Christmas to even it up, as it does appear that he’s favouring DD simply because they have shared interests.

Do we have the same in-laws? My FIL is the same. It drives me mad as his budget is the same whether you're 2 or 102. It means small children end up with mountains of stuff and adults often get extra random crap just to make up the total.

The OPs adult children probably won't actually care at all that their siblings gifts do not cost the same. It's about whether the gifts is something they will like not whether it fits an arbitrary budget.

people on here are weird.

If OP had posted "DD1 is my favourite child, although I think I do an okay job of hiding it. Is it okay to buy her a designer handbag for Christmas because I know she'll love it. I'll have to keep it secret from DH though because he will ask why I'm not buying anything for the other DC. It will mean spending about £350 on her vs £100 each on the other two which I think is fine if they never find out."
She would have got her arse handed to her!

All of the "it's lovely, just make sure the other DC get the same spent on them at some point" or "we don't match spends, just give what they need, it sorts itself out over time" posters are missing the point that given DH kept it secret from her he clearly has no intention of doing the same for the other 2!

If he'd said "I've seen something DD would like so am going to buy it out of my own savings, I'll make clear it's a housewarming present rather than Christmas and will do the same for the others when they get their first place" I doubt OP would be bothered. It's the secrecy and favouritism that's the issue.

I kind of think these things all even out in the end.

I don't think it's a big deal to be honest.

If DH and I spent £100 on one DS and £350 on the other, that would cause some trouble. It would in most of the families I know. I know that most of them budget roughly equally when their DC are of a similar age. This is a really weird move. I would be asking him how he is going to make it up to his other two.

@Shillie why? They're adults spend on gifts is easier to split equally with young kids. He's done something nice. I think your response is telling to why he didn't tell you maybe you should think about that.

It’s not the worst thing I’ve ever known a DF to do.

You would not be unreasonable at all to be very concerned and to want to discuss this, but it sounds as though your DH had a lovely thought, specifically matching a gift to a person rather than just mechanically and detachedly dealing out an equal amount to each dc with the equality and affordability of the gift meaning more than its suitability.

An odd feeling is coming across that your DH is a bit scared of you and a bit under your control.

You do need to talk about what he did, and how to balance your personal autonomies between you.Do not be outraged.

You could now suggest you’ll look for special, personal gifts for your other 2 dc. But wouldn’t you just say, ‘We can’t afford it.’ ?

So perhaps you each need to keep some personal funds to spend as you please.

Plus you speak to him about these issues:

1. He needs to find a special present each for the other two from his funds or it will potentially be very upsetting for them all.
2. He must never ask one dc to keep something secret from the other dc, or you again because it is extremely harmful.
3. You will recognise he can spend his personal fund on special dc presents if he want to ( if he doesn’t pit one against the other).

Meh; each of your children are adults and a treat once in a while is fair enough. Next year it should be one of the others. Unless it’s a pattern of favouritism I’d let it go.

All I can say is..poor husband. 25 years looking back and 20 years forward. Scary.

But he should have run any big spends past the OP and clearly this is a big spend for them. If for no other reason so OP could refrain from the other £100 she spent

I think you are unreasonable to be merely “so angry” and “outraged”. I think you should be incandescent with fury, livid beyond measure and apoplectic with rage. That would be the normal response for a psychologically balanced parent on discovering that her partner has given a Christmas present to their joint child.

Goodness me - this is so unimportant. At some point maybe buy the others something lovely - it doesn’t have to be at the same time.