My DH bought one of our children an expensive gift behind my back

[Shillie]

DH and I have 3 children, our eldest is 25, then 22 and 20.

For Christmas we don’t spend big, a stocking if they are here on Christmas morning, a gift they have asked for and something we chose for them. All in we probably spend £100 per child.

Today I was on our Etsy account looking at some gifts for a friends birthday, I clicked into the previous purchases to find a seller I had used before and saw the last purchase was not long ago and was for a £250 chess set.
My husband sometimes play chess so I assumed he had bought it for himself and not mentioned it as we were so busy with Christmas. It looked lovely so I asked him about it, mostly wanting to see it.

He then told me he had bought it for our eldest child for Christmas. I asked why he didn’t tell me and he said I would have just said no as we couldn’t afford to spend that on all of them but he really wanted to get it for DD as it matches the decor style of her new flat.

I am so angry! First of all, our finances are joined and we generally agree any big purchase has to be agreed on. Second of all clear favouritism towards one child. Third of all he has asked DD to keep secrets from me and her siblings!

He thinks I’m being over dramatic but I am hurt, angry and outraged. Especially as DD now has had £350 on her Christmas which is over three times that of her siblings!

AIBU to be outraged?

Bought from the joint account. 😐

But not necessarily at the same time. One of your other children might need £250 for something in 6 months or so and he could potentially help them out financially.

So just out of interest he bought it gave it her and told you don’t know as she obviously didn’t thank you for it, I think you need to spend more on the other 2 at birthday or send them some cash just because dd would love it doesn’t mean she gets preferential treatment if other kids find out they won’t be happy he should have told you after he bought it at least because your dd thinks it’s of just him.

Think I’d be more concerned why he couldn’t talk to you about this - I wouldn’t be outraged most likely very disappointed….. but I would question his view of you. The fact he’s asked D to keep quiet about it needs a discussion too.

Secret child perhaps.

So do you all have Christmas separately? How did he gift it to your dd without you and her siblings being aware?
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the gift per se but it would have been better all round to tell you and then adjust her other gifts or slightly increase the others’ presents value

Ah, someone who clearly hasn’t seen Julie Christie and Steve McQueen on either side of a chessboard in The Thomas Crown Affair! 🔥

😂😂

This!

There are 457 days in January and everyone is counting down to payday, and to not notice they're £250 down means they're not that skint.

Or else you'll what?

I've voted YABU not because I agree with favouritism but there is something of the 'my way or the high way' with OP.

You mean its one less thing for you to insinuate unfounded irrelevant allegations about.

He should have discussed the purchase butIt was a lovely thoughtful gift and sometimes things aren’t equal between DC.

I got the impression that the money he used came out of his personal spending money. Which he would have been free to spend on what every wanted.

I would say you're over reacting and just make sure you spent the same on all of them, but as you've said you can't afford to do that so he shouldn't really. I would save it for her birthday and spend equal amounts on the others for theirs (assuming its easier being able to space out the birthdays).

I find this all really odd. We have never spent the same on our children. Treating children equally doesn’t mean spending the same as long as they are all treated fairly.

As a one off it’s fine, you sound over dramatic and, dare I say it, controlling.
“I wouldn’t agree”. 😬 Which is presumably why he hid it.
Obviously if he was consistently spending 3x more on DD than the other two there would be an issue but a less dramatic response would be to just aim for bigger birthday / Christmas gifts for the others over the next few years till it evens out.

Treating dc the same is about concept more than dollar value.
As life goes on different children will need you in different ways. Sometimes one needs more help at a certain time than others.
In the end it will balance out.

Special colour how @Shillie ? I’m very keen to learn more about it and how it matches her decor! please tell us! (Is it a copper set? Goes with rose gold?….)

I bought a brass and pewter chess set in Florence about 30 years ago from a wonderful antique shop and then a beautiful wooden board in Copenhagen a few years later - souvenirs from work trips, and 30 years on DH and I still play and have always had it on show.

So It’s a lovely gift BUT your DH is being massively unreasonable hiding this, and treating the kids unfairly. What did you think your DD got? Did you get her a £100 gift which turned out to be in addition to the set? That’s 350£, so equity with all DC would cost over a grand! 😮😬

My mother has this obsession of spending the same on everyone and making it ‘fair’.
I don’t get it. If you see something that’s perfect for someone and you can afford it. Just get it.
I’m sure things will even themselves out over time.

It is alabaster in an off white and orange tone. DDs home decor colours are heavily in the Apricot - Orange/Amber - Rust/Terracotta palette. She mainly uses orange as an accents and it does seem to match!

I’ve got 2 brothers. We used to take it in turns to get a big gift at Christmas. Was a win situation from me as I got their old tech. I never would have counted how much they got compared to mine

as PP have said it more of a housewarming pressie than Christmas. I do think it’s a bit off he said it was a pressie from him when out of the joint account

You are over reacting. Your DH is allowed to make a decision which he considers a correct decision. He obviously didn't tell you because he thought you would object. And he was right. You are making it an issue.
Ok one child had mo re spent on her at Xmas. Buy extra birthday presents for the other two if you are so annoyed. I hope her siblings won't make a fuss.Surely they don't count the exact value of gifts. If so it is rather greedy. They should realize you would probably even it out another time.

I probably wouldn't have bought the chess set as a 'Christmas' gift, I'd have bought it as a 'house warming' present. Was DH looking at it from that angle?
I wouldn't have concealed my purchase from my dp though and tbh I'd be worried if I needed to. Maybe the sharing of finances isn't working for both of you anymore.

It isn’t overreacting if the OP paid for it, which she did, fifty percent.

I think you are focussed too much on the cost. On occasion I've found the perfect present for $10 (a budgie). If the recipient loves the present, I don't think cost is overly relevant. Unless DH always gets costly gifts for one and cheap gifts for the others. Which it doesn't sound like. He just saw something unique and perfect and thought DD would love it.