My DH bought one of our children an expensive gift behind my back

[Shillie]

DH and I have 3 children, our eldest is 25, then 22 and 20.

For Christmas we don’t spend big, a stocking if they are here on Christmas morning, a gift they have asked for and something we chose for them. All in we probably spend £100 per child.

Today I was on our Etsy account looking at some gifts for a friends birthday, I clicked into the previous purchases to find a seller I had used before and saw the last purchase was not long ago and was for a £250 chess set.
My husband sometimes play chess so I assumed he had bought it for himself and not mentioned it as we were so busy with Christmas. It looked lovely so I asked him about it, mostly wanting to see it.

He then told me he had bought it for our eldest child for Christmas. I asked why he didn’t tell me and he said I would have just said no as we couldn’t afford to spend that on all of them but he really wanted to get it for DD as it matches the decor style of her new flat.

I am so angry! First of all, our finances are joined and we generally agree any big purchase has to be agreed on. Second of all clear favouritism towards one child. Third of all he has asked DD to keep secrets from me and her siblings!

He thinks I’m being over dramatic but I am hurt, angry and outraged. Especially as DD now has had £350 on her Christmas which is over three times that of her siblings!

AIBU to be outraged?

It feels really weird and underhand to me and would have needed some coordination and deceit. I would be hurt.

Well now you know your husband has a favourite. 🤮

This … and she absolutely loves it so it’s not a waste of money, it’s a lovely special treat.

I find it odd you weren't initially annoyed about the chess set when you thought it was for him but after finding out it was for your daughter you brought in the we can't afford it narrative.

I suspect he didn't tell you because he knew this is how you'd react. Your children are adults you don't always have to spent the exact same amount on them for gifts, treats or other occasions. They aren't keeping score and it's ridiculous to think they will always need the exact same.

The whole set-up sounds really weird to me.

But you didn't seem bothered by him spending £250 on a chess set for himself. Is it that you would feel you have to spend another £500 to make it fair? I don't think I agree. It was a special one off for one child.

So you can afford it for your husband but cant for your kid?

Are the other dc still at home? Tbh I got those who have their own places a housey gift on top of other gifts.. Maybe you can even things out in time?

I think she means she can't afford £750 on all the children (£250 on each to make it fair).

I actually think it’s quite telling that you didn’t seem too bothered about your husband spending £250 a random purchase yet when you describe buying gifts for your children, you keep to very strict budgets that suggested your finances wouldn’t allow for this sort of frivolous purchase.
Have you always had £100 budget for your DC? Maybe it’s time to revisit as £100 now won’t get you anywhere near as much as a few years ago and it sounds like you can afford it & your DH has probably recognised this.

Unreasonable to keep a secret from you, but it sounds like he doesn’t necessarily agree with the budget set. Was it agreed together? It would be awful if the other siblings were aware. I assume he wants to play it with her so in part for him too.

Sad he didn’t share the fun of finding something so special for her. It’s probably because he knew you would shut it down. Now you’re asking to see it which will seem weird to Dd too. Smooth it over by saying you’re looking forward to seeing it out of the box etc don’t go on about the cost and not being in on the purchase. Has it really thrown you into financial hardship?!
It’s done now anyway . Not worth falling out over. Look out for something special for the others’ birthdays. Together.

"DD will have loved it, she adores chess and it was in unique colour way and well made by the sounds of it."

This is what's really important.

Of course, treat them all fairly, but sometimes something special is worth "breaking the rules.". I think it was a lovely, thoughtful gift that has made a lifetime memory for your daughter. It's a shame that he didn't feel he could share it with you, but it is a link between the 2 of them. Which is why it shouldn't be shared with anyone else. It was meant to make your dd feel special, not an occasion to promote jealousy and anger.

So if you are only just finding out about this now, when did he give it to her? And he must have done it in secret and said 'don't say anything to your mum' as well.

I'd be angry at the deceit. But did he deceive because you are controlling and would have said with no discussion?

Sometimes we've treated one of children differently in buying a more expensive gift but it's usually for birthdays and related to the hobbies/passions in life. But it balances out.

Well yes. My husband and I both assign ourselves an amount of personal spending over the year, what he does with that is on him. However if he spends it on one of the children he needs to make sure he can do the same for the others.

Why?

This obsession with treating them the same is really odd. They are individual adults and their needs won't be equal. To think they need the same amount spending on them is ridiculous.

She has it set out on the lower shelf of her console table in the hall I believe and it does look lovely.
I’ve told her I look forward to seeing in person.

Obviously I’m not upset with DD!

I actually think it's quite nice to buy a special gift every now and then so long as it evens out over time.. perhaps next year it could be for DC2 and then the year after for DC3

Everyone that is cross with OP and insinuating she is tight. She obviously didn’t get a thank you for the Christmas gift otherwise she would have known about it. I’m not sure I would want my partner to be receiving a big fat thank you for something that my money had contributed to while I got nothing.

I dunno, I mean I see your point, but at the same time it seems all very rigid and controlled.

He didnt tell you about it because he knows you’d have shut it down. Which seems a bit joyless to me. Sometimes you need to just do it anyway. It’ll even out over time I’m sure anyway

See I just don’t think this way at all. I’d think it was a really lovely gift for my daughter to have from her dad. She’ll treasure it forever.

Its only money.

Sorry didn’t mean you would be upset with dd, just feel you shouldn’t let her know this has caused an issue between you and her dad. Four kids six grandchildren here. They get what they need/what we think right when appropriate as best we can. Hope it shows we think about them as individuals and support them as such. spending the same on everyone all the time is a crazy path to go down. Don’t fall out about it. Life’s too short x

I wouldn’t have a problem about the perceived ‘fairness’. I don’t give my kids gift of equal value at for Christmas or birthdays but it probably all evens out in the end. One might need a new laptop one year while the other one wants new slippers, and another year the one might want a contribution towards a big holiday while the other wants new pants. It just depends what’s going on in their lives - we’ve always done that and the kids totally accept and ‘get’ it. I would have a problem with my DH buying an expensive ‘not asked for or needed’ gift behind my back when we had an agreement to be transparent about our finances.

I don't keep an accounting of the relative sums I spend on my two children and I suggest you don't either. What matters is not how much a gift cost, but how much joy it gives.