Unpaid nanny to DSD Part 2

[seasonofthebitch]

Just wanted to update the previous thread…

I’m about to get on the train home after lovely weekend with my sister. I’m more certain now of my boundaries and what I will and won’t accept. I expect this will lead to the end of the marriage.

DP called me this morning and said he was “so tired, with another full on day”. He’s taken DSD AGAIN to his gym for 3 hours and will be going to take her again tonight for 2 hours as I’m “not back in time”.

Youd think for one weekend he’d have sacked off the gym. Poor DSD.

When I was sick after Christmas, he spent everyday in doors with her. Didn’t take her the park, shops, walk, play centres, swimming - no where. Because I was not doing it too!

Im having a conversation with him tonight about our future. Feeling ok about it but also prepared for some backlash… coming back here to keep me focused!

Sad as it is I doubt very much that OP will be able to maintain a relationship with her former step daughter.

IMHO, it’s v damaging for adults to come in and out of kids lives like that. To the little girl, OP leaving will be losing her main carer at her dad’s home - and a mother-figure (OP and her ex chose to refer to them as SM/SD). She’ll likely feel confused and abandoned.

It needs to be sensitively explained to her why OP won’t be there to care for her any more, that OP will always be here for her and loves her just the same. OP hasn’t rejected or abandoned her. If her father won’t put her first and explain/encourage that for her sake, hopefully her GM might.

I agree, birthday and Xmas gifts (plus maybe the odd postcard from holiday etc) and maybe taking her out for an afternoon a few times a year (maybe a tradition like an annual trip to the pantomime), or at least spending time with her at her GMs. Of course, the family may not put the little girl first, and refuse OP any contact. But IMHO, OP should do her utmost to maintain the bond and be a lifelong support. Not to replace or undermine the relationship she has with her parents, and any future SPs, but to complement it.

In a few years, the daughter will have her own phone and OP can message her directly from time to time, and at important moments, as special aunties/good family friends do.

@EdithBond I don't get the impression from the OP that a split with this guy would be particularly amicable. It's all well and good saying the OP should stay involved, given she has no legal right to do so, the choice would be entirely her exes.

The problem is that her main attachment should be to her parents. The fact that OP has been put in the position of primary carer is not her fault and not her problem to solve. Saying she will be there for her is trite and also untrue. The chances of OP retaining contact with an unpleasant ex and a child that isn't hers is next to nil. She's not a special auntie, and her STBX husband is not her friend.

A clean break will likely be better for the 5 yo. The parents need to work on building a relationship with her as the main carers.

As the thread title suggests OP is the unpaid nanny and, sad as it sounds, 5 yo will probably have completely forgotten her existence in a few short years. Nannies come and go.

A clean break will likely be better for the 5 yo. The parents need to work on building a relationship with her as the main carers.

They do, but it doesn't sound as though either of them will bother. OP's ex may be prepared for OP to stay in contact with her DSD, provided she agrees in such a way that he feels that he's "won" by persuading her to provide some free childcare. But as soon as the new girlfriend/unpaid nanny is installed, OP could lose all contact with the little girl, especially as the ex will surely want to prevent his new girlfriend from hearing OP's side of the story.

I’m afraid I don’t understand the emphasis on OP maintaining contact with the child. I have been a childminder and was very attached to some of my ‘kids’ but within 6m of them finishing with me, progressing through school, I rarely heard from their families again unless I bumped into them in the supermarket. And I loved being with them, caring for them, feeding them, reading with them, teaching them to write their names… but they weren’t my children. And OP knows and feels this as she wouldn’t have made the decision she has.

The child is very likely going to be upset and miss OP - initially. But she is five and OP is NOT her parent. Any issues over the child readjusting, any distress she feels, is for the parents to manage. Not OP.

And if that doesn’t happen effectively, it is STILL not OP’s responsibility, however hard that may be and however guilty she will feel about it. Just as she will have patients that she will bond with in her career, manage through lengthy traumatic illnesses etc only to discharge and never see them again, the same with this child. I know several people who have divorced and, apart from a Christmas card or sending a birthday card, they have no relationship with their former step-children even where they were in their lives for a decade or more. It’s sad, but both parties move on.

The problem with OP maintaining contact is her father will use that to off his child onto OP again. She's not a parent and she can't raise this child in lieu of her parents.

If OP has concerns of neglect, she could contact social services. I'm really surprised the gym didn't say something to her father about her being there for 5 hours.

If OP was a man i wonder if the advice to maintain contact would have been the same.

OP should not be doing anything to maintain a bond with step daughter.

You're all crazy!

Clean break is the only way and clean break means no further contact at all.

Sending Christmas and birthday presents? For a child she doesn't see, has no responsibility for and doesn't even know if she'll be given the presents or what she'll be told of she is? Just no.

She's 5, in a while she'll barely remember OP. Also - she's 5, getting presents will make her think OP might be coming back into her life. She doesn't need the memory of OP kept alive.

All this "abandonment" stuff isn't OPs responsibility, it's the child's father's responsibility to manage that situation. The fact he won't bother isn't OPs fault or her problem to fix. She's not this child's social worker or her parent, she's just someone who was married to her dad for a while.

He's the one who chose to bring OP into his DDs life, she shouldn't be berated for that. We're biologically programmed to seek partners, plenty of relationships don't last so there's a lot of single parents out there. It's unrealistic to expect nobody to date them if they're open to dating. OP should not be guilted for coming and going in a child's life when she'd no intention of doing that - she got married FFS! But now she needs to leave this abusive relationship. She has nothing to feel guilty for. Her exiting the child's life is the child's father's fault for treating OP so badly.

She doesn't have time in her life for this child who isn't hers. Her own children, if she goes on to have them, don't deserve to have to share their mother's attention and energy and time, with another child who isn't even part of their family, doesn't love with them and who their mother has no responsibility for. They don't deserve to ever come into contact with this "not quite a sibling"s dad either, who is a piece of shit. Why would OP put herself or her future children at risk of having his control and toxicity in her/their lives?

For one minute stop thinking
"how best to help the child"
and start thinking
"how best to help OP".
Because this is her support thread, not a child safeguarding case that you're responsible for finding the best outcome to.

You make me sick, trying to guilt a woman leaving an abusive relationship into maintaining contact with her abuser.

Given the rate Daddy gets through Fannys there will be another couple before she leaves home.

She should get used to these women passing through her life as she can't afford to get used to being attached because when she does Daddy will be onto the next Fanny.

Daddy will still be Daddy who shags his way through child care and can't be arsed with nuisance daughter.

She start playing up for attention in her teens. It's what rich emotionally neglected kids do. Of course that will also be everyone else's fault but Daddy's too.

She will be daddy's spoilt child - he'll try to bribe her. But all she'll really want is daddy to be at home not at the gym.

She's literally saying it already.

This reminds me of an ex- from many years ago who had 3 boys, then aged about 4, 7 and 10, who lived with their mother and came to him at weekends. They were all at private schools, which of course have longer holidays. One Saturday morning in early July he picked them up and came home to a phone call from the airport, saying that mum was about to get on a plane to visit her family far, far away and would be back the day before the September term started. I actually had to applaud her for that.

Cue panic! He was off on a Very Important Business Trip on the Monday, so apparently I would have to take charge for two weeks and then "cover" Mondays to Fridays until September. I just said "Good luck with finding someone to do that, I'm off!" and went home. The relationship survived for a couple more years, but it was the beginning of the end.

OMG I cant believe what Im reading OP. He is an entitled piece of shit. LTB.
How dare he.

He really is a selfish, horrible pig of a man, father and husband.

You sound so lovely and caring towards your DSD. Your DSD sounds like she’s the sweetest little girl. I feel most sorry for her that she has such uninterested and selfish parents. She’s the one losing, yet again, because you’re the only consistent and caring parent in her life.

You’re incredible and deserve to be valued and cherished. Be proud of who you are and don’t listen to his drivel - there will be more of it I’m sure. He’s an entitled twat and will do or say anything to get things his way.

The OP does not want to be in her step daughter's life in the current terms. And it is not right - the child has parents

I also think you are a great stepmum @seasonofthebitch Hes an absolute bloody fool who didnt know what he had

This.

This man is coercive and controlling and manipulative. This is not going to be an amicable separation and divorce where everybody's buddies after. OP needs to have as little contact as possible through the divorce process and none after.

Hope you're ok @seasonofthebitch. I keep lurking as I've been thinking about you. I hope he isn't making your life a misery now xx

Yes, I agree but I'm just explaining to PP why the idea of OP telling the child she'll "always be there for her" or similar and continuing to try to see the child after the break up would do more harm than good. Fortunately it would seem like the OP has no intention of dragging it out.

Im a bit worried about the OP too

No doubt the H has switched from self-pity to lovebombing and charm.

I'm hoping she's gotten what she needs from 'us' and is now moving forward towards leaving. But if not, so be it. Our words are 'in her head' for when she needs them somewhere down the line.

We all move in our chosen direction in our own good time. @seasonofthebitch best of luck to you. We're here if you need us.

In short, if you want children in future,there's little else to be said beyond : "I've seen what an inadequate and irresponsible father you are to your own beautiful daughter, that you are willfully blind to the damage you are doing to her now, that you are setting her up to fail in the future and hell will freeze over before I inflict such a feckless selfish father on my own future flesh and blood. Thank you for showing me who and what you are before it was too late."

I think so too 😔 💯 👎
He may improve for a little bit, but change never lasts very long and he will soon slip into old habits and become even worse than before. 🤦🏻‍♀️
Deffo LTB.
@seasonofthebitch

He'll suggest they ttc mark my words....

Just hope @seasonofthebitch doesn't fall for it

me too.

I'm hoping she comes back to update to tell us she's either moved out or arranging for him to leave.

It never ceases to amaze me, just how many men out there are prepared to sack off their kids, their wives/partners...all for money, image and pure selfishness.