Unpaid nanny to DSD Part 2

[seasonofthebitch]

Just wanted to update the previous thread…

I’m about to get on the train home after lovely weekend with my sister. I’m more certain now of my boundaries and what I will and won’t accept. I expect this will lead to the end of the marriage.

DP called me this morning and said he was “so tired, with another full on day”. He’s taken DSD AGAIN to his gym for 3 hours and will be going to take her again tonight for 2 hours as I’m “not back in time”.

Youd think for one weekend he’d have sacked off the gym. Poor DSD.

When I was sick after Christmas, he spent everyday in doors with her. Didn’t take her the park, shops, walk, play centres, swimming - no where. Because I was not doing it too!

Im having a conversation with him tonight about our future. Feeling ok about it but also prepared for some backlash… coming back here to keep me focused!

Xpost re Matilda!

Easy, tiger. No one wants to start a fight.

I don’t think it’s a particularly good question, because there are no mechanisms for OP to have any control over ongoing contact with DSD, regardless of how attached she is. So “gauging her attachment” is fruitless.

I hope you are safe and well OP

I find it amusing that someone has managed to shoehorn telling us all that their daughter is a doctor.

It reminds me of those people who manage to mention that they went to Oxbridge in the first 2 minutes of meeting anyone new. 😆

I'm really not understanding the point you are attempting to make? Are you looking for some sort of fairytale scenario where social services just turns over the child to a non-relative?

You've done the right thing. Good luck with your new future.

For lords sake read the thread. I've already explained it's a hypothetical question.
I will not engage again

Re Matilda.

In real life the parents would fight any move by the OP. Dad wouldn't want to ruin his reputation. And ultimately he can hire childcare. Neglect would never stick with him either because hes 'a respectable doctor' and that just doesn't happen to men like him.

All the OP would achieve is dragging the little girl into a drama which isn't in her best interests. The little girl would still want her Daddy anyway. You can't just replace a parent. Daddy would just have an opportunity to control and abuse the OP.

The idea of taking on this little girl is the stuff of fiction.

He's so lonely that he has to leave you at home alone looking after his only child, most evenings for hours at a time? He's so lonely that he expects his partner to do most of the childcare to facilitate his work and hobbies? What a shame he has gone on the defensive / offensive instead of actually listening and reflecting. At least you have realised this relatively early on, and before you had a child with him.

Do you think you will try and keep in contact with your step daughter at all? I'm not saying you should or its actually the best thing but it does sound right now like you're the most caring / stable adult presence in her life

Alright, Pink, calm down….

Two Oxford degrees thanks.

And?

Your comment was aimed at me?
Mumsnet at its finest.

Does anybody else think this thread is getting derailed? Could we perhaps leave space for OP to update us on her situation rather than bickering?

Op as the reality settles in for your dickhead husband Im worried he could turn really nasty. Do you have your must haves packed and a safe place to go in case you need to leave quickly?

What a despicable man. Im so sorry for this child.

You're doing the right thing OP. He's treating you like a slave. Go and live your life, you only get one go.

I've been listening to this today:
https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-god-complex-part-1/id1487320403?i=1000745796714
It put me in mind of the OP's partner

I hope you are ok @seasonofthebitch. Been thinking about you & poor wee dsd, it's an awful situation but fwiw i think you are doing the right thing 💐

surgeon with high sex drive. Many men with that energy do have it. Hence his running and gym

I recon this bloke likes the gym because he gets to 'hold court', ie has a group of acolytes who hang on his every word.

Good luck OP! Such a complex situation :(

All this lonely stuff is absolute twaddle. He is obviously twisting. Even if he thinks that studying exams equates to gym obsession (it doesn’t) what about poor daughter. How can he justify dragging her along for 3 hours. He is acting like a single man with no responsibilities.

Hard decision but absolutely the right one.

The lonely stuff is just that what he wants to say is ‘how dare you expect to count as a person in this relationship!!’ But even he gets he shouldn’t say that at loud so he reached out blindly for something else to say, and came up with IM SO WONEWY. It doesn’t have to make sense or be true, it’s just words he’s found to cover that he’s mad you’re not being his servant nanny. It’s like the men with a big hobby who when challenged say ‘I’m doing this for our family’ not bloody likely mate.

It was all about he felt. Sad as it is I doubt very much that OP will be able to maintain a relationship with her former step daughter. She will have no legal claim or standing and no doubt her former husband will be busily reeling in the next gullible woman for more free childcare. OP has the opportunity for a clean break and she should take it to make a fresh start. She deserves a family of her own if that is what she wants. I think modest Christmas and birthday presents would be appropriate at least for a few years for her former stepdaughter. Hopefully she will remember you fondly as a pleasant interlude in her life. Let's hope the next one is as nice as you have been.

Hope you are okay OP. Good luck.