To finally admit I’m so jealous!

[Jealous1n]

It makes me sick to say out loud but I am…

My friend (who is lovely) just has it all…and I’m finding it increasingly difficult.

stayed home with her dc on extended mat leaves. Works a flexible 8-4:30 role. Wfh 2-3 days a week. Is paid over 50k. Her dh has the same hours and is paid more. Good pensions and private healthcare.
Brand new house- gorgeous super efficient and warm new build!
brand new cars (bought outright)
all the mod cons, robot hoovers etc. every weekend off.
She always looks great and put together (always has i suppose)
I have never heard her say, go we at broke/skint etc. money just never seems to be an issue. We were talking about houses and I asked how much deposit they used etc as we were going to try to purchase over the next two years. They save over 2k a month. She wasn’t boasting I asked the question. We are lucky if we can save 500per month. The only difference I can see is they do go on less holidays than us. (But they go in peak time)

we have been friends since we were 8. She has never had a credit card. I know this. So no debt only mortgages.

meanwhile I’m here busting my ass in 8-12 hour shifts as a nurse! Minimum mat leaves when I had dc. My dh works long hours too. Still renting…I’m desperate to buy a new car but just can’t justify it right now.
what did we do wrong!?
I just needed a rant really.

Did she have her children after she brought a property?

I ask this because it's can be difficult to get a reasonable mortgage if you have children and are paying childcare as they will affect your affordibility criteria.

Other than that - just buy as soon as you can. If you can afford to pay rent you can afford to pay a mortgage which is often less than rent anyway. You'll feel more secure and hopefully less envious.

There is no point comparing. If she’s earning 50k for 2-3 days work, then when she was FT she would have been earning more, enabling her to save more.

They may also have family help, lots do.

It’s normal to feel envy sometimes. But if your friend fell on hard times, your situation would not improve. And I bet you have a better pension!

inheritance? Because tbh I’d be surprised she’s financially loaded on a vague salary of over 50. Even then to buy to cars outright implies extra money from somewhere.

You didn't do anything 'wrong', but you didn't choose jobs which easily allow that kind of lifestyle or expenditure. I can understand why you're jealous, but presumably you didn't expect being a nurse to lead to that kind of financial security? I get it - I'm a teacher married to a teacher.

I don't know that you did anything 'wrong' really. You just made different career choices leading you to earn less money 🤷‍♂️

Jealousy is a pretty natural emotion and will only cause a problem if you can't keep it under wraps.

You'll get people coming on to say "But you don't know what goes on behind closed doors" and "She could be desperately unhappy" etc.

But I'm always pleased for those who appear to have a nice life.

The OP says Good pensions and private healthcare.

What makes you bet the OP's pension is better?

OP says she WFH 2 - 3 days, but it appears the friend does work full time.

As someone else has pointed out, they could well have had an inheritance or gifts ofmoney from grandparents that you don’t know about - especially if they were able to buy cars outright etc.

A lot of times people won’t mention that bit of their finances to others as they fear judgement.

Try not to let it got to you OP, there will always be someone with more.

in my case, lack of education (due to crap unsupportive childhood and a mother who was all over the bloody place ) led to poor job prospects for me, now I am a stay at home mum and have a dh who has a low paid career, higher than min wage but earns like 2500 a month after tax and is out the house over 12 hours a day. Topped up by universal credit. Own a small flat 1st time buyers dh in 40s I was late 30s when bought) that was a cheap mortgage and have gotten into debt to do it up.... we just.. make do, we do not even have an adult bedroom here, but at least no more unstable landlord renting scenarios. Grateful for that...life is just hard for some of us.

The thing is OP we could all be jealous if we spend our time worrying what others have and comparing. I work full time for not far off minimum wage (charity work) I chose that work so that's on me but its HARD. I could say im jealous of you with your higher salary and great NHS pension. Also I have 2 children but only had 1 maternity leave (twins) where i received the statutory mat pay only. But really there IS no point in comparing.

Well you sadly chose a badly paid career and she didn’t. It sucks that nurses aren’t paid more but it’s well known they often struggle.

Concentrate on what you have rather than what your friend has. I’m sure there’s lots who are jealous of your situation too. You have DCs, a DH, a good stable job that doesn’t pay badly, a great pension scheme, what sounds like more than one holiday a year, and you manage to save £500 a month. You’re not doing too badly.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Trite saying but true, nevertheless. Concentrate on your own life and the fulfilment you get from the little things. New cars and new build house aren't everybody's dream.

No there’s been no inheritances (that I know of) they both have all parents.
grandparents died when she was a teen and they didn’t have masses. So not that.

yes they bought their first property prior to dc. Her dh earns quite a bit more than her. So income into the house is probably 120-130k at a guess. They are very good with money. She always has been I suppose.

I just can’t see how I can get to a point where we even have a deposit at this stage.

If you can save approx £500 per month, you’re hardly skint. Be grateful for what you have got - many others like to be in your position.

You can’t really do anything about anyone else’s situation but you can always improve your own, if you feel you’re not happy with your current lot. Focus on changes you can realistically make to get yourself where you want to be.

It’s absolutely pointless to compare yourself to other people. It won’t bring you anything good and it might harm your friendship in the long run. A friend once told me she was jealous of me and I wish I’d have taken it more seriously at the time, instead of brushing it off. Currently going through an absolute mind fuck as a result of letting it continue for years.

Just be you and focus on your own happiness.

You could be talking about me.

Please just know that we all have our own worries. Money doesn’t solve everything. I have an ED, but people can’t help but talk about my “lovely” figure. I can’t enjoy the holidays we have because I’m so worried about weight gain. I have a beautiful home but I can’t enjoy it because I barely have the energy to think about maintaining it. My husband low-key resents me for not being much use beyond keeping my children alive and bringing in a wage. He does love me though, he’d have to otherwise he’d have walked years ago. So on and so forth.

Be happy, enjoy your life.

I'm still surprised they can afford to buy brand new cars outright on £50k ish each!

OP said he earns more though. And they save 2k per month…that’s 24k a year…you could buy a new car for that.

I’m not

if you live similar to people earning far less you can save a lot

I think doing things in the ‘right’ order can help enormously. My friend (same working class background, known each other since Reception) did the text book right order (few bf’s, engaged two years, married at 25, first marriage for each, bought little flat, upgraded, had children, upgraded, stayed married). They have a very financially comfortable life (my personal
life was more chaotic so my finances are not as comfortable). I’m not jealous per se as they still have problems (just not money ones) that I don’t have.

It sounds like a combination of good jobs ( both in the monetary and looking after staff sense IE flexibility, allowing working from hom and decent maternity) and knowing how money works and how to save ( no credit cards, holidaying when they can afford to-not as routine, and saving to buy big purchases ie cars and deposits for houses).

You can only afford to save 500 a month for a deposit but you take more holidays than them
That's where you lost me, Im afraid 🤣

And comparison to the thief of joy.
I talk from experience