To finally admit I’m so jealous!

[Jealous1n]

It makes me sick to say out loud but I am…

My friend (who is lovely) just has it all…and I’m finding it increasingly difficult.

stayed home with her dc on extended mat leaves. Works a flexible 8-4:30 role. Wfh 2-3 days a week. Is paid over 50k. Her dh has the same hours and is paid more. Good pensions and private healthcare.
Brand new house- gorgeous super efficient and warm new build!
brand new cars (bought outright)
all the mod cons, robot hoovers etc. every weekend off.
She always looks great and put together (always has i suppose)
I have never heard her say, go we at broke/skint etc. money just never seems to be an issue. We were talking about houses and I asked how much deposit they used etc as we were going to try to purchase over the next two years. They save over 2k a month. She wasn’t boasting I asked the question. We are lucky if we can save 500per month. The only difference I can see is they do go on less holidays than us. (But they go in peak time)

we have been friends since we were 8. She has never had a credit card. I know this. So no debt only mortgages.

meanwhile I’m here busting my ass in 8-12 hour shifts as a nurse! Minimum mat leaves when I had dc. My dh works long hours too. Still renting…I’m desperate to buy a new car but just can’t justify it right now.
what did we do wrong!?
I just needed a rant really.

I do understand your jealously OP, it would be difficult not to be given what you’ve described. But remember you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. I can think of more couples than I could mention whereby on the surface they seem happy, but there’s more going on than others know.
Eg.

1. Middle class happy family, similar to what you describe of your friend actually, but the husband is having an affair with his ex (wife doesn’t know AFAIK)
2. Family I know who ‘have it all’ (and then some!): very well off indeed, but the husband is a gangster (convincingly posing as a businessman) and surely things will catch up with them one day
3. Very normal seeming family I know where the wife is a SAHM and seems to enjoy life, but I know her husband has been visiting sex workers throughout their relationship and she just accepts this now to maintain their fake happy life

I could go on, but my point is that people might seem happy, but you don’t really know what’s going on behind closed doors. I also know families who have been comfortable, happy etc and something happens that changes them forever like losing their business, losing a loved one. I suppose if you’re happy with your own lot in life it’s easier not to envy others. Count your blessings @Jealous1n

OP I understand how you’re feeling. I have a number of friends who are, financially, a whole lot better off than me. My closest friend is in the enviable position of never having to worry about money (huge inheritance)…and it’s hard NOT to be jealous when I look at how stress-free her life is and what she’ll be able to pass onto her kids etc.

But whenever I feel like this, I remind myself that there are those who would envy my position enormously too. People out there will feel like that about you (and bluntly, if you can save £500 a month you are doing a lot better than most - me included!)

Remember it’s not all about money and assets like property. We are here once - and if you are healthy and have a safe place to live, that is wonderful. Terrible things happen all the time, and often unexpectedly - as the pp who had a stroke pointed out. So try to just realise that you are not actually ‘suffering’ but just envious of someone, and be grateful for what you have.

Have to say agree with the doing stuff in the “right order”. If you are just normal people, getting married and getting on the property ladder by saving hard as a couple before kids is the best way to move forward. Once you have kids there can be lots of stops and starts, lots of spending on the kids.

If you really want to get that deposit stop going on holiday for a few years. It is tough sometimes looking at people who seemingly are doing a lot better than you but honestly comparison genuinely is the thief of joy. You could focus on what you can do to improve your own circumstances. What she has or doesn’t have doesn’t affect you materially at all. I would love an NHS pension btw, I think a lot of people would.

And if it's important for you to buy a house ie: will it also be no more expensive than renting (and you will have your own place), you could really double-down for 12-24 months to save as much as possible. No holidays, even come out of your pensions for 11 months each, no unnecessary spending. Be savvy - do you use your blue light card and other employee benefits to reduce everyday and shopping costs?? Make it your family goal.

Comparison is undoubtedly the thief of joy.

Yes, same here. DH and I worked and saved very hard, bought a cottage that needed work and did a lot of that work ourselves. We dedicated ourselves to our careers and put in so much effort; I work in publishing and he's a historian. What people don't realise is that he was also working extremely hard as a violinist at the same time, the constant travel was exhausting, and he was tutoring music. I tutored English in my spare time, made and sold historically accurate costumes.

It was a hell of a lot of work, but because those things are also our hobbies and we still do them now (at a pace we enjoy), some people didn't recognise the graft or the sacrifices we made. We're now very well off financially, but none of it was through sheer luck or sitting on our backsides waiting to have help outsourced to us.

You only “know” what she tells you.

I always think more house more cleaning 😆

Would you be that pleased if you had an awful one? Just curious.

Omg yes! I have a tiny house (a compromise for the area) and I can clean it so fast! There's some gorgeous bigger houses we could now afford but I can't bear the thought of cleaning them 🤣🤣

Well that all would depend on where they live! £130k in somewhere like Barnsley would be an unbelievable amount coming in and afford you a lively life. Especially if you bought before children, need no childcare and didn’t buy a house above your means just to have a ‘big house’!

I totally get if you feel jealous of her - it’s completely understandable, if painful! And I also get if you just want to vent on here about the fact you feel jealous.

I did wonder though - what specific things does she have that you’re jealous of? Is it the fact she has a higher salary and works fewer hours in her job? If so, is there any chance you could retrain (eg in a different role or different area of nursing)?

Easier said than done, I know!

Jealousy like this is awful! There are lots of people in the world who have more than you but you focus on someone you actually like and are resentful of her! Why wouldn’t you be happy for them instead of bitter.

This.

It is always better to buy a house before DC. It's much trickier to save as much afterwards.

This. I met my first husband and we were doing the same job. I couldn’t understand it / he always had money. Me I was renting and couldn’t buy spare clothes etc and nothing spare and him - he was like saving money every month and then I discovered parents had gifted him the house and £100K in savings from grandparents and he got the brand new Audi and insurance for Christmas! . Makes it a lot easier then doesn’t it?

Stop giving it headroom as that way lies madness!

You're not on bad money, you just haven't learn to spend and save wisely.

Im curious to know how many holidays you go on

They don’t sound good with money if they bought their cars brand new but each to their own! 😀

Op it’s natural to be jealous occasionally. Just use that feeling as a sign to assess your life and your goals. And while you do that please bear in mind that there may well be a student nurse somewhere who is jealous of you and the stage you have reached in your career. You are doing a massively important job and it’s ok to have different priorities.

You say here they are very good with money and she always has been, there is part of your answer as to why she is doing so well in your mind compared to you.

Your friend made different career choices, different choices regarding when to buy property, different choices on spending and saving than you did - you could have made those choices but you didn't.

You can make choices now to achieve a deposit, to save more, it will be hard but if you really want to you can do it.

Your jealousy will eat away at you if you are not careful, stop comparing your life to hers, accept that due to the choices and decisions you have made you have a different life that doesn't mean it is a worse life it is the one you chose and it is down to you to change it if it is not the one you want.

Good lord of course I would!

You'd have to be eaten up with bitterness to not be pleased for a good friend who had a great life, just because yours was awful.

I've experienced it a lot in my 50+ years on earth, where my life has taken a downturn and my friend's have taken a huge upturn.

Never been anything other than pleased for them.

She is one friend, how are your others doing?

It's completely normal, some are better and worse off. Contentment with your own life is far more important.

As she's a close friend you're comparing, natural, you've chosen different paths in life but sounds like you're doing more than fine yourself.

May I put some personal perspective into this...
One of our group was loaded from birth, had an average job but was a musician and did lots of gigs, their passion, had family funds, sadly died in 40s. Did we feal a bit jealous of the wealth? Yes, of course. Then did we feel horrible and guilty for thinking this after? Of course yes.

Point is, life is too short to compare, as long as we are happy in how live our lives, that's it really.

True about comparison being the thief of joy, OP. My aunt told me that my cousin is moving up the property ladder, buying a new build 4 bedroom house and had already paid off his original mortgage on his three bedroom semi. 😳 But..m I think about lt logically and know that my family life is good, we have a smaller 4 bedroom house that we bought a decade ago and it's increase in value then, even though we still have a mortgage, our equity in the house is quite a lot.

My cousin was a bachelor for ages, no dependents, and a good job which allowed his mortgage to be paid off. He had no health problems like I did (head injury and post concussion syndrome before being injured by off label psychotropic meds), so i think circumstances somewhat curtailed my career progression a bit.

Comparison is definitely the thing to avoid. I think if I compare myself to my cousin, I'd be a little envious of his finances but equally, I know it's good to always count my blessings and be grateful for my family and home.

Agree, to get on the housing market at earliest age possible is the best thing to do if possible. Even in my 20s I compared rent to mortgage costs and bought my first home at age 26 because I could. Had worked while studying since age 16, had a few years in my permanent career by that time so it was the next lucrative step. Xxx

So..... you're better off than someone who cannot afford to save anything per month and can't afford regular holidays which you admit you can. I know plenty of people who can't even save anything and live pay check to pay check.

Why aren't you comparing yourself with people who have less?