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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To finally admit I’m so jealous!

203 replies

Jealous1n · 18/01/2026 11:40

It makes me sick to say out loud but I am…

My friend (who is lovely) just has it all…and I’m finding it increasingly difficult.

stayed home with her dc on extended mat leaves. Works a flexible 8-4:30 role. Wfh 2-3 days a week. Is paid over 50k. Her dh has the same hours and is paid more. Good pensions and private healthcare.
Brand new house- gorgeous super efficient and warm new build!
brand new cars (bought outright)
all the mod cons, robot hoovers etc. every weekend off.
She always looks great and put together (always has i suppose)
I have never heard her say, go we at broke/skint etc. money just never seems to be an issue. We were talking about houses and I asked how much deposit they used etc as we were going to try to purchase over the next two years. They save over 2k a month. She wasn’t boasting I asked the question. We are lucky if we can save 500per month. The only difference I can see is they do go on less holidays than us. (But they go in peak time)

we have been friends since we were 8. She has never had a credit card. I know this. So no debt only mortgages.

meanwhile I’m here busting my ass in 8-12 hour shifts as a nurse! Minimum mat leaves when I had dc. My dh works long hours too. Still renting…I’m desperate to buy a new car but just can’t justify it right now.
what did we do wrong!?
I just needed a rant really.

OP posts:
Loloblue · 18/01/2026 14:53

good on you.

Notmyreality · 18/01/2026 14:53

Seymorbutts · 18/01/2026 14:42

We clearly don’t live in the same part of the country!

The country is a pretty diverse place. Your situation is not representative of the country at large.

BountifulPantry · 18/01/2026 14:54

Admitting to yourself that you’re jealous is actually great.

if I were you I’d write down everything you’re jealous off then put it in order of priority. Then speak to your partner and make a plan about how to tackle each thing in turn.

if you want your life to change you need to grab the bull by the horns!

ToeSucker · 18/01/2026 14:56

Seymorbutts · 18/01/2026 14:33

I only know one person in my life under 40 who’s been able to buy a house without financial help from their parents. It’s not helpful to compare but I know it’s hard not to. Maybe there’s some negative aspects of her life you can focus on instead to make you feel better about your life?! Might sound a bit mean but ah it helps sometimes. I have a similar friend who I’m secretly jealous of but I know that she’s deeply unsatisfied with her sex life with her husband and sometimes I secretly take a tiny bit of satisfaction that I have a great sex life with my partner!

My DP and I did in our early 30s. We were on about 30k a year each (about 10 years ago).

We now have a lot of friends struggling to buy and at a time when they feel pressure is on too buy. We get a lot of comments about us not being truthful about inheritance (we got 0) but we saved every penny and lived a pretty hard uncomfortable life for years up till that point. Fairly irritating having some of the same people who laughed at us for being cheap now accusing us of having handouts.

NotThisAgain1987 · 18/01/2026 14:57

Jealous1n · 18/01/2026 11:40

It makes me sick to say out loud but I am…

My friend (who is lovely) just has it all…and I’m finding it increasingly difficult.

stayed home with her dc on extended mat leaves. Works a flexible 8-4:30 role. Wfh 2-3 days a week. Is paid over 50k. Her dh has the same hours and is paid more. Good pensions and private healthcare.
Brand new house- gorgeous super efficient and warm new build!
brand new cars (bought outright)
all the mod cons, robot hoovers etc. every weekend off.
She always looks great and put together (always has i suppose)
I have never heard her say, go we at broke/skint etc. money just never seems to be an issue. We were talking about houses and I asked how much deposit they used etc as we were going to try to purchase over the next two years. They save over 2k a month. She wasn’t boasting I asked the question. We are lucky if we can save 500per month. The only difference I can see is they do go on less holidays than us. (But they go in peak time)

we have been friends since we were 8. She has never had a credit card. I know this. So no debt only mortgages.

meanwhile I’m here busting my ass in 8-12 hour shifts as a nurse! Minimum mat leaves when I had dc. My dh works long hours too. Still renting…I’m desperate to buy a new car but just can’t justify it right now.
what did we do wrong!?
I just needed a rant really.

Chose a career that is notoriously paid poorly for long hours. Either retrain or wait till your band 6/7

BundleBoogie · 18/01/2026 15:01

Jealous1n · 18/01/2026 11:40

It makes me sick to say out loud but I am…

My friend (who is lovely) just has it all…and I’m finding it increasingly difficult.

stayed home with her dc on extended mat leaves. Works a flexible 8-4:30 role. Wfh 2-3 days a week. Is paid over 50k. Her dh has the same hours and is paid more. Good pensions and private healthcare.
Brand new house- gorgeous super efficient and warm new build!
brand new cars (bought outright)
all the mod cons, robot hoovers etc. every weekend off.
She always looks great and put together (always has i suppose)
I have never heard her say, go we at broke/skint etc. money just never seems to be an issue. We were talking about houses and I asked how much deposit they used etc as we were going to try to purchase over the next two years. They save over 2k a month. She wasn’t boasting I asked the question. We are lucky if we can save 500per month. The only difference I can see is they do go on less holidays than us. (But they go in peak time)

we have been friends since we were 8. She has never had a credit card. I know this. So no debt only mortgages.

meanwhile I’m here busting my ass in 8-12 hour shifts as a nurse! Minimum mat leaves when I had dc. My dh works long hours too. Still renting…I’m desperate to buy a new car but just can’t justify it right now.
what did we do wrong!?
I just needed a rant really.

I work part time, DH works full time and we have nothing left to save at the end of the month, my car is 19 yrs old, DHs car is 16 years old and we’ve managed to take the kids abroad twice in their lives if that makes you feel any better? We usually holiday in our caravan which is very cheap but the kids love it.

We’ve got friends who are multi millionaires, and others who are very well off. We have a lovely life though and feel no envy.

I’d look at your life and what changes you need to make to be happy.

StephensLass1977 · 18/01/2026 15:06

I'm a bit envious of my SIL. Because she's beautiful blonde and statuesque, she's never had to worry about anything. She / my partner's family are from a small village so she really stood out and everyone chased her.

She didn't try hard at school and became a part time receptionist. Which is fine but she earned very little money. But then she decided to take up one of the many offers she had received from local guys wanting to take her out. Fast forward 5 years and she lives a life of absolute glamour. Perfect toddler daughters, doting husband who works his socks off (inherited trade business from his parents), huge new build in a very popular and sought-after area, and never needs to work again. She asked for 30k the other day, and he transferred it, just like that. All parents on both sides alive and well, and always helping her out with childcare.

As other pps have said, there is always someone whose life looks a damn sight better than yours, and sometimes it can be down to something as seemingly unfair as someone being beautiful and never having to really try at life, but whereas I'm envious, I'd never let it slide into jealousy. That's a slippery slope.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 18/01/2026 15:07

You are allowed to be jealous (and I say that as someone who frequently suffers from dreadful professional jealousy). But it's pointless to dwell on it. Acknowledge the feeling, acknowledge that the world isn't always a fair and just place, and then put it behind you. Otherwise it just eats at you and that gnawing envy is a dreadful thing to live with.

There are good things about your life, concentrate on those.

LoveItaly · 18/01/2026 15:14

Life has taught me that no one knows how their life is going to pan out, or what is around the corner. One’s life and future can change in an instant, and so envy really is the most pointless emotion. Try to quell that emotion as much as you can, enjoy what you have, and focus on what is in your power to change.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 18/01/2026 15:15

StephensLass1977 · 18/01/2026 15:06

I'm a bit envious of my SIL. Because she's beautiful blonde and statuesque, she's never had to worry about anything. She / my partner's family are from a small village so she really stood out and everyone chased her.

She didn't try hard at school and became a part time receptionist. Which is fine but she earned very little money. But then she decided to take up one of the many offers she had received from local guys wanting to take her out. Fast forward 5 years and she lives a life of absolute glamour. Perfect toddler daughters, doting husband who works his socks off (inherited trade business from his parents), huge new build in a very popular and sought-after area, and never needs to work again. She asked for 30k the other day, and he transferred it, just like that. All parents on both sides alive and well, and always helping her out with childcare.

As other pps have said, there is always someone whose life looks a damn sight better than yours, and sometimes it can be down to something as seemingly unfair as someone being beautiful and never having to really try at life, but whereas I'm envious, I'd never let it slide into jealousy. That's a slippery slope.

That life is all built off the back of a man though. If he leaves, and is smart about the way the business/finances are set up, she doesn't have any way of supporting herself.

Not suggesting he will, but when you're reliant on someone else, it's not all rosy.

I don't have a life of absolute glamour, couldn't just pluck 30k out of the air if I needed/wanted it but if DH walked away or something terrible happened to him/his finances, I can support myself & DD/the family.

So while I might look at her life and think it's nice, I'd never be envious because it's so much easier for the rug to be pulled from under her than it is for us average Joe's.

EagerLemur · 18/01/2026 15:19

My husband is a contract it developer, he has a few degrees, on paper his are £200k he's paying 3k a month into a pension, he's 58 and we got together 14 years ago and basically started with nothing, we've got nearly 400k left on our mortgage, which well be paying until he's 75, we have 70k of debt also, we live in an old house we can't afford to fix, we've never bought new cars, we don't ever go abroad on holiday or even go on holiday, we don't drink, don't smoke, worked out today that we have income of 8k and direct debits of nearly 6k, insurance, utilities etc, that's not including food petrol, or even the heating oil, (our mortgage is up for renewal and we're panicking)

Usually loaded people have been high earners since they were young, have had help from relatives etc, when kids chose a vocational if a lavish lifestyle is what they want, then they need to look online and see what jobs pay the highest, nursing, teaching etc do not pay what they should, imo they should not pay tax at all.

My husband only started making money when he started contracting 5 years ago, his long term job paid not a great salary doing the same thing, and his pension basically depreciated. Unfortunately you'd be better of as a private nurse.

I had a friend who's deceased now, somehow she just seemed so lucky and within a few years had it all, but, she dies very young, and I'm sure she would have given it all up to stay alive.

Anyway, I say to my husband at least we are healthy and out dd is healthy and that's the most important thing

EmeraldDreams73 · 18/01/2026 15:22

I feel for you OP as I feel very much the same - nearly all my friends (in our 50s now) are SOOOO much better off than I am, and thanks to backing the wrong horse at 21, all my potential (looking back) was wasted. We can't usually save at all each month (dh low paid, 1850 pcm net, me slightly above that but not much but self employed so fuck all time off, ever, or we really struggle). It'll get easier here hopefully in a year or so, and definitely a lot easier in 4 years, so I'm just focusing on 1 and 4 year plans atm to try to keep envy and low mood at bay!

Any chance of seeing a financial advisor to help make some tangible plans for the future if you haven't already? Planning helps my overall mentality about it all. It can be really hard but I keep telling myself plenty are worse off than we are.

Happyher · 18/01/2026 15:28

Maybe they’re just good at managing money - something that is a lot easier if you are debt free. Whilst they spend a bit more on essentials ie cars and household equipment you don’t give the impression that they waste their money on frivolous things. They may be very good at just buying what they need with no urge to splurge to get that high of treating yourself.

Maybe have a good look at how you spend. Obviously you’ll never have as much as them but you may get yourselves into a place of contentment and free up money to buy that house

TicTac80 · 18/01/2026 15:28

Comparison is definitely the thief of joy! I'm a nurse too - single parent to 2DC, working FT. As a youngster, I thought healthcare would be the right path for me: helping people; I knew the pay wasn't great but a couple of decades back, it wasn't bad; job for life, with good pension...you know the score. I have friends/family earning many times what I earn (and some who earn a lot less than me). They all work hard, like I work hard. I'm pleased for them, we all celebrate each other's achievements/successes, and help each other out through hard times. The difference is our career choices...and life choices/events.

I could have chosen a different career, but I didn't. I also couldn't progress or move whilst my DC were younger (my now XH was on the scene -long story - and I needed the stability that my job gave me - set days, hours, they knew the situation with XH etc). Oh, and that's another thing: my exes (my DC's Dads) - first one left when I was pregnant (we were in an LTR for 3yrs so this came as a shock). Second ex I met and married - decent/lovely guy when I met and married him, and when we TTC after we got married. Unfortunately a massive RTC just before DC2 was born caused him to have a lasting injury, which meant he lost his ability to continue in HIS career, and sent him down the path of MH problems and addictions. That (addictions, oh and his affair with OW) killed our marriage...but in the years before I divorced him, it was me being the breadwinner and juggling trying to look after him, deal with all the crap (that surrounds an addict) and parent the DC.

I look at it like this: I'm lucky to have my health, and lucky that I am able to work FT. I do actually love my job (when the conditions aren't too diabolical! I hate parts of the system, NOT the job itself), and the patients I look after. I'm divorced, but I have a very peaceful home life (priceless!). I'm able to afford (just about!) to keep myself and my DC on what I do earn (I'm a B6). My DC are happy and doing well. I'll never earn what my more wealthy friends/family earn, or own a property (unless I retrain and change careers to a much higher paying one - but then there's never guarantees in life is there? - or win a lottery jackpot).

For me, now is the time to plan. What am I going to do about my situation to better it?: my DC are a bit older and XH not on scene, I am able to spread my wings a bit more, and exploring all the things I can do to better myself. I'm looking at starting to do some extra bank shifts, and looking at long term/short term plans to increase my earnings, so that I can start saving. I'm also brainstorming working towards possibility of branching into different specialities of nursing so that I'm in a position where I can work FT and earn better without burning myself out on the wards. Are you able to do similar OP? I've found that exploring different options - even just looking stuff up, has made me feel better about myself.

I'd be lying if I said that I never compare my situation to other people's - but it is a fleeting thing, normally when I'm up at stupid o'clock getting ready for work, and wishing I could WFH, and it's less jealousy and more me cursing myself/questioning my sanity for my career choice!!

WittyTaupeFox · 18/01/2026 15:28

Jealousy is such a destructive emotion but you feel what you feel.

kindly why don’t you focus on what you can do that maybe emulates her good decision making - you too can get smart with money. Something as small as never having takeaway can significantly impact on monthly finances. Similarly being organised at home stops multi purchases, being organised with kids clothing / shoes / grooming etc. maybe she walks and does online free workout classes rather than going to the gym. Maybe she doesn’t spend money on UPF’s and alcohol. there are so many ways your friend could be managing her money to make sure the big decisions - mortgage, purchasing car outright mean she is better off.

take a proper look inwards to your own home and you may find things to be grateful for, things to easily change your future self will thank you for and maybe even a really great friend in this lady who will be a good positive influence on you in future. Good luck.

Gallowayan · 18/01/2026 15:32

Yes, she is better off than you... but of course there always is someone better off. An annoying cliché to your ears at this point, no doubt - but it is still true.

Comparing yourself unfavourably to others will not help you in any way or make you happy. Saving £500 a month is pretty good BTW. Most people are in debt or have zero savings.

How well you manage your money is the key to improving your situation and getting a house and you seem sensible in that respect.

ScarletSwan · 18/01/2026 15:32

I suspect it is a matter of doing things in the right order and being frugal in the early years. To be honest it never even occurred to me to have children before getting a house. My parents were firmly of that point of that view and they were immigrants who arrived In a new country having scarcely two years of high school education.

They worked and saved every penny to get a house and for my mother to be a SAHM for years. I don't think they even thought of holidays in those early years. They got married in a church with two witnesses - no expensive wedding or reception. I'll admit I had a relatively expensive wedding which we paid for ourselves but that was after we bought our house.

We really scrimped too in those early years - I mean I wore secondhand clothes for work and all our furniture was secondhand. Stuff we did buy was good quality and tended to last. We did our own painting and wall papering - I refused to contemplate making our own curtains. We drove cheap to run cars. We had no pets. We are now very financially comfortable - we progressed in our careers and my husband became better paid in a traditionally lower paying job because he had niche skills. I progressed in my job and that was partly niche too but I worked crazy hours for years.

1976a · 18/01/2026 15:41

Jealous1n · 18/01/2026 12:10

No there’s been no inheritances (that I know of) they both have all parents.
grandparents died when she was a teen and they didn’t have masses. So not that.

yes they bought their first property prior to dc. Her dh earns quite a bit more than her. So income into the house is probably 120-130k at a guess. They are very good with money. She always has been I suppose.

I just can’t see how I can get to a point where we even have a deposit at this stage.

one of my best friends from age 13 is like this and we are now 50. I have never ever let myself be jealous as I have always loved her so much.

My advice is really think about her and the friendship. Do you really like her and her qualities? is she kind and does she love you too? I notice she doesn’t seem to gloat about money, rather is asked. As hard as it is just love her and forget about the rest as it no longer matters.

where, in my older life, mums groups etc, I have felt jealously due to rich mums who didn’t have to work, drove amazing cars, etc but gloated. I just stopped being part of that group. My life improved dramatically

chances and luck is often all
it is. Your career sounds amazing. I wish I’d done nursing rather than teaching as I’d now be looking into aesthetics which pays way more than what I now do.

i hope that is. Helpful op and i wish you luck x

CompetitionMyArse · 18/01/2026 15:52

Unless she worked for a very long time and had her children late, then I'm guessing they have an income source you are unaware of. Inheritance or similar. No couple earning 50k and a bit more than 50k can buy a brand new house, work part time, have a fabulous pension, private medical insurance AND buy two brand new cars outright. Something doesn't add up.

OompaLoofah · 18/01/2026 15:55

You’ve kinda answered it yourself whether you’ve done it wrong.

They both got well paying jobs, bought before having children and seem to prioritise what they spend - e.g not having a load of holidays each year.

Children are expensive, so of course it’ll be difficult finding spare money to save for a deposit when you’re having to fork out extra for additional humans that are dependant on you. Also most lenders remove a massive chunk of your “perceived” affordability when you have children, think min of around £4-500 a month just for the first child, so that reduces how much they’ll lend to you, meaning you may need a bigger deposit for what you wanted to buy, or would need to readjust your expectations on what you can buy.

SumTingWongwithme · 18/01/2026 16:02

AgeingLabMum · 18/01/2026 12:37

But you are a nurse so lots of people must be jealous of you (crap money I know but what an amazing vocation). People like me are in awe of people like you. Be proud of who you are.

Vocations don't pay the bills, neither does peoples awe unfortunately.

Cassan · 18/01/2026 16:14

Being a nurse is a beautiful choice imo. When I was sick, the kindness of nurses meant everything. Jealousy can be very good to sharpen your mind about what you specifically need more of in your life, use it to work for you- e.g. no holidays until youget the house you want

StepUpSlowly · 18/01/2026 16:15

You haven’t done anything wrong but different choices lead to different lifestyles.

Some pick their studies based on career progression and earning potentials rather than passion and other pick their studies based on what they would like to do even if it means a lower salary/worse schedule.

While nursing is a really important and rewarding job, I assume one knows choosing it that they won’t earn a lawyer or tech salary and that it will be more mentally/physically challenging (difficult patients/long shifts etc…).

If your friend picked studies or jobs with career progression and a natural salary progression then they were always going to be better off than you.

Also very few people make financial decisions in an order that makes sense.
The logical thing would be to save up for a house first (while your earning potential is not affected by childcare and children’s costs) and then have kids, same, if your goal is to save for a house/car, then ideally prioritizing that over several holidays a year.

Most people do things in the order of what appeals most to them (having children /holidaying) and then are surprised that their friends who had kids later in life have a house and the means to offer a different experience to their kids.

I will give you an example of my own to highlight what I say , because while we are in a different age group (17 years difference between us so she is in her 40’s while I am starting my 30’s) my mother and I are in the same industry but have completely different lives and finances and financial mindset despite her technically having been born in the better financial era and it’s her way of doing things that has made me make completely different choices for myself.

My mom chose to have 4 kids before 30 (5 now) and 3 before her mid twenties, therefore sacrificing her ability to study or have a career with potential, she did buy eventually at 29 before the birth of her 4th child but had to move to the country side and still struggle to pay off the mortgage 20 years later and now have health issue which now means she can’t work in the industry anymore and need to reconvert (how she will do that without losing the ability to pay her mortgage is a mystery). She has also never had a decent car because due to the amount of kids always needed a 7 seaters and they are expensive so she would buy the cheapest one (and likely spent more trying to keep it on the road that a decent car would have costed). All in all she is in a terrible financial position and at an age where she should be able to start relaxing as almost all of her kids are adults she is actually going to have to stress more regarding the basics.

Personally, I have never understood my mom’s choices and vowed to do things differently and as a result live a completely different life. I work in the same industry as her and actually started at a much lower salary than her but, because I don’t have kids I was able to take positions that she was never in a position to take. As a result I make 5 times her salary and because I don’t have kids I am able to save a lot and while at 30, she had 4 kids, at 30 I have none but do have 2 properties (one paid outright and the other one rented out that pays for itself), and yet despite my money I live frugally, have an old car 2008, my phone is almost 4 years old, I do allow myself some luxury like traveling but don’t fritter it in unnecessary upgrades when I do and do it on the cheap as much as possible.

I am planing my finances so as to be able to have and offer the life I want to my future kids before I even have them and in parallel saving so I can retire early or at least work only 3 months a year once they are born, because I am aware that having a child will impact my ability to work and my earning potential (my career not being really compatible with family life or at least not at my pay bracket).

if I had listened to my heart I would already have kids, but I am glad I don’t because I now have the ability to provide them with a massive step up I have never had when I was a kid (or even young adult), and it brings me comfort to know that if I do have children then money won’t be a stress factor because I do remember what it’s like to grow up in an environment where my parents made the choice to have kids first and to figure it out later and having to go without and money being a continuous source of stress.

So I think personal choices and the order in which you do things and what you prioritize are often the main source of what leads to one person having a certain lifestyle vs the other. Financial independence was more important to me than having children for example so I will always lead a different life to someone who is making the opposite choice and is willing to sacrifice their financial independence for the benefits of having children.

So if you want different results, OP, look at what you can change or are willing to sacrifice to make it happen (less to no holidays? Less time with your family but more working hours and more pay? A career that you hate but pay better?) most choices come at a cost. You can’t always see it from outside.

Horserider5678 · 18/01/2026 16:18

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 18/01/2026 11:51

inheritance? Because tbh I’d be surprised she’s financially loaded on a vague salary of over 50. Even then to buy to cars outright implies extra money from somewhere.

Not necessarily, OP says her only debt is their mortgage, no credit cards etc! So it is doable on a combined salary of 100k! I’ve friends who are exactly the same, if they can’t but it outright they wait until they have the money, it’s about priorities!

JeannieJo · 18/01/2026 16:19

What type of work does your friend do, only want to know so I can see if my daughter wants to add it to her list of potential careers! PS I work in the NHS too - I feel your pain!