To finally admit I’m so jealous!

[Jealous1n]

It makes me sick to say out loud but I am…

My friend (who is lovely) just has it all…and I’m finding it increasingly difficult.

stayed home with her dc on extended mat leaves. Works a flexible 8-4:30 role. Wfh 2-3 days a week. Is paid over 50k. Her dh has the same hours and is paid more. Good pensions and private healthcare.
Brand new house- gorgeous super efficient and warm new build!
brand new cars (bought outright)
all the mod cons, robot hoovers etc. every weekend off.
She always looks great and put together (always has i suppose)
I have never heard her say, go we at broke/skint etc. money just never seems to be an issue. We were talking about houses and I asked how much deposit they used etc as we were going to try to purchase over the next two years. They save over 2k a month. She wasn’t boasting I asked the question. We are lucky if we can save 500per month. The only difference I can see is they do go on less holidays than us. (But they go in peak time)

we have been friends since we were 8. She has never had a credit card. I know this. So no debt only mortgages.

meanwhile I’m here busting my ass in 8-12 hour shifts as a nurse! Minimum mat leaves when I had dc. My dh works long hours too. Still renting…I’m desperate to buy a new car but just can’t justify it right now.
what did we do wrong!?
I just needed a rant really.

Don’t focus on her- focus on you. If you want more, what can you do to get that? Can you look int promotion at work, slight change in career etc?

It’s cumulative. You have to spend less than you earn, consistently. If you do that from the start, eventually you have enough to let you make budget friendly choices like buying a car outright, no finance.

If you routinely choose the better value option the benefits start to spiral. It’s a virtuous circle. One holiday, somewhere more modest. Packed lunch every day, rather than buying a meal deal or eating in the cafeteria. Off brand clothes and cosmetics.

All those little choices over several years compound to mean you have ever more options- pensions, savings, investments.

You mentioned you're lucky enough to save £500 a month, I'm lucky to save £50!

Yep- very good point. A lot of people reading your OP might say how lucky you are that you get to save £500 a month and go on regular holidays. They might be asking themselves after reading that, where did they go wrong?

Lovely story - good for them.

I missed this bit.

So @Jealous1n you can save £500 a month, and you're complaining.

Good grief!

Nothing to see here folks.

Comparison is the thief of all joy.

They may be better off materialistically but you don't know what is going on inside.

Rather than even wasting time thinking about it, focus on the things that give you pleasure in your own life. Count your blessings, like your health. Find pleasure in things that aren't associated with material costs. Be kind and treat yourself once in a while.

I get envying people with very comfortable lives. I'm sick of money being an issue and having to count every penny. You lost me when you said you can "only" save £500 a month. That's crazy well off to most people.

Wouldn’t say money was crap!

I don’t think you’ve “gone wrong” they just earn more than you.

This.

So what if she has all that?
You have no idea what her personal life is like at all.
For all you know you have a better relationship or will have or a happier family
Nothing is ever totally amazing for a person,
I know a lady who's well off but her son is ill so she spends a lot of time caring for her son.
I have more free time.
Yes I can't do much with my free time due to lack of money 😅
But I can go for long walks and watch the dawn when I want to, go for an early coffee if I want to.
So practice gratitude and you'll notice how blessed you actually are.
And saving £500 a month would make some people jealous of you.

Thing is we don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, I fell out with an old friend because she was jealous of me. What she didn’t know or realise is that yes I’ve bought my own house so I don’t rent but the reason I was able to save my deposit is because I worked my ass off and thanks to having 2 autoimmune diseases i basically didn’t have a life for 2 years. It was work and treatment. I couldn’t go out and holiday and party etc I was too ill so all my money was saved. I have a reasonably paid job and I don’t spend on shit. Although I couldn’t purchase a brand new car outright.

DH and I have both worked second jobs for about 15 years now, we save about £1500 a month sometimes a little more. We could spend more, we could work less, but this gives us a nice lifestyle and financial security. We're in a position now where DH does overtime 2 days a month sometimes 3 and I do a week on call overnight, but we've both had night shift jobs Saturday jobs etc on top, used to do them every week before we had DS, saved like crazy to buy, to pay for our wedding, to buy cars (outright). Other than mortgage I'm pretty debt averse so if income has to cut back at this point we'd be fine. It's the way you consider money. Mine probably comes from growing up very poor and never ever wanting that instability in my life or for my children. But in the grand scheme of things you've got a stable job, a good pension, you holiday and can save. That's pretty good!

This…. totally this, had friends who seemed to never be skint in Uni, always had newish cars, big weddings, 4 bed detached homes as their “first homes” wasn’t until I just started asking how the heck they paid for it all, that they admitted family paid, most seemed really embarrassed especially when I asked why they never mentioned it.

All these people with tales of woe and 'you don't know what goes on behind closed doors', are just feeding the OP's green-eyed monster.

Hopefully her friend has a lovely life and if she has, the OP should be pleased for her - not revelling in the possibility her friend's life might be secretly shit.

Mind you, she's unlikely to be her friend much longer if she spots this thread, especially with MNHQ re-posting them on social media.

Nurses get way better mat leave than most companies.

She and her DH have chosen careers which pay more and require fewer hours. They prioritised buying a house before starting a family (possibly also easier with better salaries). You spend more on holidays (if they had children later they will have had cheaper holidays than a family). Ultimately though, they're earning £30k a year more. You're not doing badly or making dreadful decisions.

Working from home?

You never know how fortunate your friend's circumstances will be in the future. Anything could happen. We had a very tough year last year. It has made me realise what is really important in life and it's not all the fancy things , however nice they are. Also saving 500 per month is really good. I would stop comparing yourself to your friend and enjoy the smaller things in life 🥰

jealousy is such a horrid trait, be thankful you work, you can save £500 a month and go on holidays, be thankful for the roof over your head and the family you have.

dont ever compare your life to others as you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.

Some people are good with money as you have noticed your friend is.

I saw a quote on another thread today which I thought was poignant:

“Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.” Seneca.

Your friend may put her situation down to elements of both of the above.

You say you are jealous of her, but there is no bitterness there, which is good. Have a chat with her, you have known her all of your life. Ask her how she does it. What is her mindset, her goals and ambitions. She might say it is all down to luck, but I doubt it.

It is never too late to make some changes in our lives. Be inspired rather than jealous. You are not being unkind in anyway OP, good friend!

Its so true nothing good comes from comparison. You will know from your nursing job and all the peoples lives you have a unique insight to, that some people are unbelievable unlucky in life and have it much worse than you and some people don't.
I can understand it must be really difficult when its one of your best friends but life is swing and round abouts. Who knows what's around the corner for anyone. Saving £500 a month is great! It's really something you can build on and you still get to have holidays. If there are things you want to change sit down and make a plan but don't waste energy on jealousy.

My friends who work from home include a social worker, a foster agency worker, an accountant, a policy advisor, a journalist, a marketing account manager… loads of people wfh.

I’m the friend you describe and I have a friend who sounds similar to you (not the jealous part but your financial position). From what I can see the differences come from the decisions we have made in terms of education, choice of career and also ambition. Both her and husband were dicking around before they had their first child. She was working 16 hours a week for years and didn’t want to do more. Her husband was self employed and chose to work a few months in the year and the rest of the time they were…to be honest I don’t even know what they were doing, but definitely nothing meaningful when it comes to education or progression. Both of them kind of woke up and started getting serious about income and careers when they had their first baby. And both went back to school, got degrees and chose new careers. It took so much hard work and some sacrifices but they did it and I’m super proud of them. But there is no ignoring the fact that they both wasted their prime years living day to day, without any ambition or care for the future. Logistically they still struggle as they deal with shift work in careers that do not allow working from home or flexibility. It’s not easy with young kids, it’s definitely not as easy at it is for us. However we put in the hard work first and now enjoy a bit of a smoother ride while they had the nice and easy part first and now struggle a bit with time. It’s the choices they (and we) have made that have led to our different situations, nothing else. Family situation and upbringing is very similar.

But you have to look at it from this perspective - she has an amazing family, two healthy children, a loving husband. Both have secure jobs that allow them to pay the bills and look after their family. They save a tiny bit and have holidays. They are safe and have a good life. That’s more than a lot of people can say. You can’t keep comparing, it will eat you alive. Great that you are acknowledging your feelings and will hopefully process them and move on. They are not serving you xx

Life can hit disastrously and tragically at any moment. I have seen that what someone has, doesn't mean a lot in the grand scheme of life

Money always trumps no money even in a tragic situation.