To finally admit I’m so jealous!

[Jealous1n]

It makes me sick to say out loud but I am…

My friend (who is lovely) just has it all…and I’m finding it increasingly difficult.

stayed home with her dc on extended mat leaves. Works a flexible 8-4:30 role. Wfh 2-3 days a week. Is paid over 50k. Her dh has the same hours and is paid more. Good pensions and private healthcare.
Brand new house- gorgeous super efficient and warm new build!
brand new cars (bought outright)
all the mod cons, robot hoovers etc. every weekend off.
She always looks great and put together (always has i suppose)
I have never heard her say, go we at broke/skint etc. money just never seems to be an issue. We were talking about houses and I asked how much deposit they used etc as we were going to try to purchase over the next two years. They save over 2k a month. She wasn’t boasting I asked the question. We are lucky if we can save 500per month. The only difference I can see is they do go on less holidays than us. (But they go in peak time)

we have been friends since we were 8. She has never had a credit card. I know this. So no debt only mortgages.

meanwhile I’m here busting my ass in 8-12 hour shifts as a nurse! Minimum mat leaves when I had dc. My dh works long hours too. Still renting…I’m desperate to buy a new car but just can’t justify it right now.
what did we do wrong!?
I just needed a rant really.

Yep. The OP is not on crap money if she can save £500 a month!

I can empathise. My best friend has never had to think about money whereas I've had to be careful all my life. I just have to keep reminding myself that comparing just doesn't help, and that most of the world are worse off than we are (UK). Also, be grateful for what you do have.

Oh, you only earn just under £100K a year between you..........? 🎻

OP isn't coming back. And she sure ain't gonna tell us these illustrious careers her 'friends' work in that pay sooooooooooooo much more than a paltry £100K a year.

Well if their income is 120-130 he earns 70-80k and depending on when the bought their first house they could have had made good profits on them…private healthcare can be provided by many private companies as a part of their employment packages. It really doesn’t seem unobtainable tbh.

Yes absolutely this, l had a 'perfect life' and l know of at least one person in our circle of friends who admitted to being 'so jealous'.
Mortgage free lovely house, lovely DH, l took early retirement, lots of friends, two DC ( a 'millionaire couple' as they used to call it - a boy and a girl) only 18 months apart and both in their forties. blessed further with 4 DGC two each from my DC.
Then last year my son took his own life, (trying to divorce his controlling narcissistic wife ) due to being repeatedly denied access to his DD or to any share of their funds which he had built up very considerably. Just lies to courts/ stalling/ gaslighting etc. Blocked at every opportunity, he obviously could see no way out. Our lives have been destroyed, particularly my DH, myself, my DD , his two DDs - my little DGD (who l am being stopped from seeing) and my older DGD, his from a previous, are absolutely heartbroken to lose their dad and many more people affected terribly.
The most perfect of lives can have a hand grenade thrown into it at any moment, Please enjoy what you have, don't be jealous. I too would envy people who had more holidays, did more as a couple (DH has some mobility issues) saw their DGCs more/whatever. I wish l had cherished what l had even more and although l absolutely did , realised how lucky l was.

I shouldn't have had a giggle at this post but I did. If you are both singing from the same page, love each other deeply AND have a great sex life, hands down you have the better deal 😂

definitely this.

its normal to feel the way you do x & I don't want to sound preachy, but...

my life turned out completely differently than I had planned.

i had come to terms with that (broadly). & restructured my work, house & my retirement plans (at 55)..

then had a stroke, which has fucked it ALL up.

Closest friends have lives very similar to how I'd originally planned my life & sometimes I do feel very envious. But I have travelled a lot, worked overseas a lot, lived in different countries & actually not sure what of my life I'd give up to be in a different position now (iyswim)

please try to enjoy what you do have (DH, kids, other people who live you, rewarding job, reasonable wage, enough money to house, clothe, run your car & feed yourselves AND save £500 a month.

if you & yours are healthy try harder to appreciate that i didn't) I can't be an example, but I can be a warning!!

oh & get on the housing ladder! Don't keep waiting for the perfect time or house. Put that money into your own mortgage as soon as possible. It's a secure feeling you can't beat.

financially the stroke has fucked me (& stupidly I didn't have the right insurances) but my mortgage is small (so is my house!!) & I have enough in savings to pay it & bills, for now. No one can take it away from me, I'm not having to worry about a landlord evicting me or putting the rent up.

Just to clarify she works full time - 2/3 days from home. I’m not going to be specific on what they do, they work for big global company.

and on saving 500 a month…that was an optimistic example. Mostly it’s 0-200…

How often do you go on holidays and how much do you spend on them, OP?

Because if you manage to have several holidays it does mean you do save up for them somehow, and have extra money once all your bills are paid. You can’t really expect to have the ability to afford several holidays a year + a few thousands a month for other purchases though, that’s not exactly realistic (on your take-home income).

The absolute bottom line is you don’t have children until you’ve bought your first house.
That’s the hack
Always was always will be

I’m 60 @Jealous1n and I now realise nobody has it all. If you have a roof over your head, enough to get by and good health (and as a nurse you must see that) you are doing pretty well.

Always remember more money more problems. Our household income is probably 3 or 4 times more than your friends and I feel I am going nuts due to the stress. You don’t know what goes on behind close doors every high earner I know is constantly stressed. So be happy with your life.

You certainly have had a huge hand granade thrown into your life & I'm so sorry to read this happened. Life will never be the same again. I hope you & your family can find comfort in the memories of better days & eventually make peace with the tragedy surrounding the loss of your son. Hopefully one day your DGD will ask questions & find you again.

I posted earlier about a relative of DH who was basically very rich then lost everything after the business failed due to covid. They live a comfortable although completely different life now. During a recent chat at a wedding they told me they were actually happier. Having money helps but it can't buy happiness.

Can you do the part buy scheme?

I have learned that life has ups and downs for every single person.
That perfect friend could lose it all, have a sick child, husband have an affair, have a health crisis.
I grew up in a very privilaged area and my mum had some perfect friends. We were always poor in comparison.
Of those perfecr families, the parents are now in their 70s. We've seen them go through divorce, loss of a child, loss of partner, alcoholic husband, one lady was killed by a new partner after divorce, mental health issues, cancers, bankruptcy, child in jail.. the lot.
I would say it's very rare for someone to continue on an upward trajectory without life bringing them back down.
Jealousy is just self harm.

No point in being jealous of someone who has more than you, that is life for everybody and there will be people who have far less.

Your friend may well be set up materially but that doesn't mean she won't face difficulties, everybody does at some point in their life, some people several times. Nobody is immune from illness, heartache, bereavement.

You will be fine, it's just taking your longer and that isn't unusual but you'll get there eventually. I'm a pensioner now but went through some very hard times when younger, living virtually hand to mouth. There were people we knew then who were far better off but I never felt jealous (used to wonder sometimes how they did it). They've nearly all had other problems at times, some are no longer around!

Count blessings, make up your mind to enjoy what you have, however humble. I think saving £500 a month is amazing, I never managed to save anything :-).

There is always someone with a bigger house and salary. Even when you’re a billionaire there’s always someone with a bigger yacht. There is no point comparing yourself to people who have more. Instead compare yourself to the millions of people in the UK (and billions in the world) who live worse off. They are so poor they could only dream of going on holidays and saving £500 a month.

I’m in a similar position as your friend - household income of £130k, private healthcare (used once in the last 10 years), good pension, 4 bed house in London. I should be happy, right? Well my best friend’s husband has a better job than mine, their household income is over £200k, they have a bigger house and go on more holidays. The difference is similar to the one between you and your friend.

Not for a second was I jealous because what is the point? If you are healthy, safe, have a roof over your head and can feed your children every day you are already lucky in life. There are so many people who suffer in this world we are blessed to be living the lives we have. There is always a bigger fish in the pond.

If you want to stay in nursing you need a minimum of an 8a to be anywhere near your friend.

Because to get the same amount of pension in a defined contribution pension, as in a defined benefit pension, you’d have to contribute a hell of a lot more to it. Public sector salaries are generally crap compared to equivalent private sector roles; the trade off is a better pension.

You haven't done anything wrong. You just have a different life and saving £500 is out of reach for lots of people so they're probably jealous of you. You can't choose to be a nurse and then expect to be able to work those hours though. That was your choice.

Thank you at Quitecontrary9 . We are going to fight through the courts to see our DGD and will be told what really happened when she is older as she is being told we simply don't care about her 😭.

How much do you spend on holidays, how much have you spent on them
in say the last five years? Are they something you could miss for a few years to help build up a bigger deposit?

@Sudagame Stay strong. When you get access to your DGD & you will, life will take on a whole new meaning

The grass often looks greener but we don’t always see what is under that grass.

edit - grammar