To finally admit I’m so jealous!

[Jealous1n]

It makes me sick to say out loud but I am…

My friend (who is lovely) just has it all…and I’m finding it increasingly difficult.

stayed home with her dc on extended mat leaves. Works a flexible 8-4:30 role. Wfh 2-3 days a week. Is paid over 50k. Her dh has the same hours and is paid more. Good pensions and private healthcare.
Brand new house- gorgeous super efficient and warm new build!
brand new cars (bought outright)
all the mod cons, robot hoovers etc. every weekend off.
She always looks great and put together (always has i suppose)
I have never heard her say, go we at broke/skint etc. money just never seems to be an issue. We were talking about houses and I asked how much deposit they used etc as we were going to try to purchase over the next two years. They save over 2k a month. She wasn’t boasting I asked the question. We are lucky if we can save 500per month. The only difference I can see is they do go on less holidays than us. (But they go in peak time)

we have been friends since we were 8. She has never had a credit card. I know this. So no debt only mortgages.

meanwhile I’m here busting my ass in 8-12 hour shifts as a nurse! Minimum mat leaves when I had dc. My dh works long hours too. Still renting…I’m desperate to buy a new car but just can’t justify it right now.
what did we do wrong!?
I just needed a rant really.

There is alwaya someone better off than you but dont forget that there are also plenty of people worse off.

i feel like you sometimes - we live in an area where lots of families who attended the small village school live in massive 5-7 bed houses with stables or pools, they all work in very high paying jobs earning well over £100k (and we are nowhere near london so not a high cost of living here), holidays to the Caribbean, skiing or african safaris etc.

but they are all (mostly!) lovely people. Our kids have some lovely friends and although we were on the poorer end of the scale for primary school at secondary I would say we are middle as includes the small town and other villages etc. if we lived in nearby Newport we would definitely be one of the ‘richer’ ones!!!

It’s hard not to compare but you just need to concentrate on what you do have and money can’t buy family.

It’s hard when you are struggling however life choices do have to come into play a little.
I saved most of my wages and lived at home until I was 22 (started full time working at 18) prior to that I had worked part time since I was 14.
Met my DH at 21 and we moved into rented accommodation at 22 with the view of only renting for 2 years.
We had one camping holiday in that 2 years and didn’t go out for dinners etc unless it was a special occasion.
We scraped together a deposit from our savings and purchased a house that needed loads of work, it was a repossession and total awful….
We were then mid twenties with a massive mortgage payment each month which meant we took in foreign exchange students, I worked 2 jobs and DH worked 6 days a week. We got married and had a tiny registry office wedding and just went to the pub after.
Our friends were a mixture of still at home/renting when we first started and they were going on lovely holidays, out every weekend and instead we were either working or doing the house.
We had our first child in our early 30s when our mortgage payment had halved and we could afford for me to work part time.
We are in our early 40’s now and a friend said to me a little while ago that I was so lucky, they are struggling to save a deposit and are stuck renting.
I am fortunate not lucky, I pointed out whilst she was living the high life in her early 20s I was fortunately able to work 2 jobs and had a strong partner who had the same vision and we scrimped and saved.
Now we can breathe and enjoy our children/lives, we have fairly new paid off cars, uk holidays a couple of times a year and the children can do whatever hobbies they choose.
Comparison is the thief of joy but the struggle is hard when you see a close friend seemingly having it all. Can you sit down together and really look at what you can cut back on to save?
A second job doesn’t sound feasible when you both work long hours but perhaps you can up what you are able to save.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

In my situation I’m your friend and one of my bf’s has made her jealousy clear over the years with snide, passive aggressive remarks. I don’t have much to do with her anymore - so be careful not to let your envy show if you want to remain friends.

IMO true friends are happy for one another. I’ve never been jealous of anyone in my life bc it’s such a waste of energy. And that was the same when I was a poor single mum.

You chose your career poorly OP, and i say this as someone with 25 years in the NHS as a paramedic.

All i can do is advise my DD differently. I will absolutely be advising DD never to choose a career where the qualification traps her into nights and weekends forever. At least you did better with that one, as nurses have more days options than we do.

Posts like this make me paranoid about telling my friends any good news. I am happy to hear when my friends are doing well and in many ways different friends have it better than me. I am always happy when things go well for them. But I am also aware that lots of people don’t have some things as good as me - which makes me grateful for what I have, but a bit worried that some friends might be secretly resenting me. I hope not, but reading stuff like this on MN as often as it seems to come up worries me!

To answer your question OP, you're not being unreasonable to feel a pang. But it'll get you nowt so try to own it, process it and move on.

I had an out of character moment of jealousy last week when our in laws bought a holiday cottage in my dream location while DP and I have just bought a 2 bed flat in a fairly hairy part of London with a whopper mortgage. In our mid 40s. We're doing well financially now but following some really messy life choices on my part in particular.

So - them's the breaks. You're much better off than some and struggling compare to others.

I agree with this. I did many years in the NHS and burnt out. Did so much better when I changed careers.

Like they say OP comparison is the thief of joy. It’s very easy to look like someone has it all from the outside. They will have problems somewhere they probably just don’t talk about them.

also if your a nurse I’m assuming your working bank? You could do some locum shifts to up the income during peak seasons? My MIL works as a locum nurse in a long term position and she earns around 400 per day (she does 3 days a week). Depends on experience and location ofcourse but can really help top up the income! Xx

You didn't do anything wrong. Comparison is the thief of joy.

You have a pretty good income at close to 100k (pre or post tax is unclear but either good) - I wonder if your house is very high cost as we take home similar (before tax) and are able to save £1500 a month usually.

She said her friend WFH not her friend's husband, only that he did the same reduced hours.

I worked in the NHS for 10+ years before I left to start my own business and I worked with consultant psychiatrists who worked very part time hours for good pay. Just because someone isnt a nurse doesn't mean they have a bullshit job 😂.

I also know health professionals who work from home (eg one of my friends is a consultant OT who assesses people for PIP and she works from home)

I agree that comparison is the thief of joy. I also think that it's possible to know that intellectually without putting it into practice emotionally.

Ultimately, it's best to focus on what you want from life and work towards that than to look at what other people are doing. Maybe in 10 years things will look differently for both of you. I've had friends I felt envious of who ended up getting divorced, or becoming ill, or having teenage children who caused them massive amounts of anxiety. There are very few people who lead a perfectly happy and successful life from beginning to end.

Oh I totally understand this, but envy and jealousy are very corresive feelings and your friend will eventually pick up on the vibes if she has not already. To be clear this is your issue as she can’t change to reduce your envious feelings, the question is can you find a way to be super constructive and reframe how you feel, can you be proud of how well your friend has done and wish her all the benefits that come with her financial position (bearing in mind there is more to happiness than financial security). Is there something that you can do to that will give you a sense of achievement (sport, hobbies, work, volunteering). If you focus on you and improving ‘self’ you will spend less time on focusing what others have or dont have.

What’s stopping you from earning more? (I’m also a nurse but I don’t tend to whinge about my friends).

Why the holidays if you want to save more? Easiest thing to knock on the head surely?

I only know one person in my life under 40 who’s been able to buy a house without financial help from their parents. It’s not helpful to compare but I know it’s hard not to. Maybe there’s some negative aspects of her life you can focus on instead to make you feel better about your life?! Might sound a bit mean but ah it helps sometimes. I have a similar friend who I’m secretly jealous of but I know that she’s deeply unsatisfied with her sex life with her husband and sometimes I secretly take a tiny bit of satisfaction that I have a great sex life with my partner!

It's natural to feel jealous. It's good that you can admit how you feel. That takes courage.

I feel jealous of families who don't struggle like I do being a single parent of a child with complex needs.
Every day out for us have to be carefully planned and risk assessed in advance and I am often the mum struggling with a non verbal teenager having a meltdown while everyone else walks on by.

Chances are that your friend probably feels jealous of something that you have.

This. There’s some element of choice in financial circumstances when one chooses nursing.
When I was a single, very young parent in a sink estate in Bristol I realised that i wanted money and for my child to have a secure life when they grew. I went to uni with a toddler and studied law. It worked. I worked my arse off. Now to people looking in, even friends I’ve had for over twenty years, it looks like my life is easy. It isn’t, but I’m sure it’s easier than their by dint of the choices I made when we were younger!

If she lost it all tomorrow it wouldn’t change your situation

Stop I know lots of people who manage without parental help. Plenty do.

I’d be really sad if I thought one of my friends resented me for what I’d achieved.

We clearly don’t live in the same part of the country!

Resentment and jealous are different things. It’s subtle but they different @NormasArse It’s ok to feel jealousy sometimes. Resentment is extra level. (IMO)

Eh?

Indeed. I’m one of them. One of many.

If they didn't inherit then what would you be jealous of?
The fact that their corporate salaries pay better than your NHS job?
Or do you think they've just had more support etc with childcare and that gave them a leg up?