Husband says he doesn't want to parent

[Youlookgorge]

Long story short - two kids under 5
Workaholic husband, sold part of business, lots of free time in last year, changing his career to be something he enjoys and is flexible
I retrain and get back to work - fitting everything around family and kids - now i am up and running with new career and spending more time out the house
Husband taking on more of a role with cooking, pick ups / drop offs, but still most house keeping and planning falls to me
He has been extremely negative about the kids, he isn't really coping when he has both of them in the house by himself and the weather doesnt help
It seems even though he has free time he doesnt want to spend it with them
He seems to resent me going back to work and its causing a lot of problems
He seems depressed
We have no family support but do have some paid support and kids in nursery 3 days a week plus they have activites on other days
The kids are also feral right now which i am guessing is normal for this age
We arent really coping and i dont really know what to do about it - on paper we have everything
Its made me really sad to know he doesn't enjoy being a parent or want to spend this time with them before they start school and its increasingly hard to do the job i have trained for because i know it puts pressure on him

He's training you up to continue being the default parent.

I assume he wanted the kids?

I'd be having loud conversations at this point. If he doesn't step up, he can use his free time to sort alternative childcare. Do not give up your job as he might decide he can't be asked at all and check out completely.

He’s not depressed
he’s lazy and wants you to continue to be the default parent
you don’t just get to opt out - well many men do
two under 5 is hard work but they’re in nursery three days and assume that is free time?
do not give your career up at this stage
You both need to talk this through and be prepared that he won’t give answers you like

You're already coming up with all the excuses to give him the get out

He seems depressed, he seems...

Wonder would you get the same consideration if you were struggling? You are struggling but his answer is to throw his toys out the pram and you do it all.

Hes being a manchild whos always got his own way and been able to let you be the parent.

Can’t say I enjoyed parenting my two when they were both under 5 either, but it is what it is. You get on with it.

Sorry, but I think you need to be fairly blunt with him – you both decided to have two children. They exist now – that’s a non-negotiable. It’s also a non-negotiable that you are awarded the same working satisfaction and opportunities that he is, because you’re the equal adult in this situation. You’re not collateral for the family unit to function.

Remind him that time in linear and if he wants to discuss how you both negotiate downtime in your schedules then you’re all ears.

This. Stand firm. You are equal parents and anything less on his part is his failure. That is your expectation.

What do you want to achieve?

Do you want him to do the parenting or love the parenting?

The first you can sort the second you can’t.

Some people don’f enjoy parenting small kids. I adore my kids but hated parenting toddlers and babies. It was boring and hard. Of course I did it anyway (and obviously did not express to my babies how dull I found playgroups!) and my reward is some gorgeous pre teens who I love hanging out with. Some people enjoy different ages more.

But you can make sure he does actually do his share. When it’s his turn make yourself unavailable. If he wants rescuing (where’s the milk, what do they eat, what story do i read) don’t respond and let him work it out for himself. Go out. Discuss management of the mental load together, ie: sit down and collectively meal plan, who will cook what and when. If you’re going on holiday, divide the tasks, eg: you book the flights I book the hotel. Treat it as you would a work situation. He’ll learn.

And the thing is the reward for him will be a strong bond with the kids.

Aw poor him.🙄

What does him being extremely negative, not coping, and resenting you look like, like what's he doing/saying?

Has he arranged antidepressants and signed up for a parenting course? That's pretty bare minimum.

Or is he just failing to parent and dumping more work on you because you're a woman? That's irredeemable.

Feral kids are not normal either so maybe some discussions around parenting approaches would make everyone, kids included, happier.

When you say 'it seems' like he doesnt enjoy time with the kids, is that was he has said or your assumption? Also what do you mean by the kids are 'feral'? Is it that he doesnt cope well or that he doesnt do things to your standards? If you didnt step in and help what would him not coping actually look like? Perhaps he needs to struggle a little to find coping strategies if the kids are safe in his care, rather than be able to rely on you picking up the slack?

Loads of people don't like parenting, especially when the DC are young, require a lot of entertainment and their activities are dull as ditchwater for an adult. So I don't think I'd be sad he doesn't enjoy it, as much as mad he wasn't prepared to endure it.
Because it's what you sign up for when you create children and you can't simply walk away from the parts you dislike.
He's been lucky until now as like a lot of men, he's been able to hide at work. Now he wants to work less and expects this to result in more leisure, not for the extra time to be filled with childcare.
He may improve when he comes to terms with this disappointment. However, I wouldn't be at all surprised if he decides to increase his hours again.

@Youlookgorge I’ve read the OP, but couldn’t see the detail about how much he works (in employment terms), and what roles in detail you both do in the house. Are the kids in nursery three days a week and he is working those three days then looking after them for the other two weekdays? Does he also have work to do in the days when they are not in nursery? If he is eg trying to work from home during those two days and having to entertain / look after the dc at the same time, that must be tricky.

I was a SAHP for a while (for two dc, two years age gap, both very full-on and noisy, and into everything, requiring very close surveillance in case they got into scrapes (one of them used to make a break for it in the local park / in cafe’s etc when I was bf his baby brother) - it was emotionally very exhausting. To be honest, the work I was doing (later on) felt much less stressful (although I imagine with roles like teaching and medicine / nursing emotional exhaustion is also a big thing, obviously).

Is he getting some time away from the dc to have some down time by himself? Can you both look at putting things in place to make life a bit easier for all of you at the moment (batch cooking / slow cooker / cleaner). Also, one thing that can work well is to each have a completely child-free morning at the weekend, that you can both ‘spend’ as you like (whether it is having a lie-in, or going to the gym, or meeting up with friends) - so one has the child-free morning on a Saturday, and one on the Sunday.

I think parenting small children can be the best of times and the worst of times, all rolled into one. And it can push people out of their natural comfort zones.

He is lazy and selfish! Tell him to stop being a massive baby and step up.

Do not compromise on your job you will need it.
No it's not normal for kids to be feral.

It’s difficult to envisage from your post how a week pans out for the family. When they are in childcare is he working or is that his free time? On the days he has them at home does he do anything (the ‘activities’) or are they just at home all day? I found the only way to stay sane was to go out every day (dog walk/park) whatever the weather, and to have an activity that involved kids playing with other kids and adults getting to chat (playgroup or activity) and that part is perhaps more difficult for a SAHD. So I think it would be fair enough to sit down and work out a new routine so that you each have some genuine time off to go and pursue a hobby or see friends, you each have time working when the children are otherwise cared for by the other parent or in childcare, and you have time spent with the children both with one parent in charge and with you all together. If he is struggling with time solo parenting (and it can really only be 2 days a week??) then making it a bit more structured might help. The important thing is that all that discussion is from the starting point that you have equal responsibility for the smooth running of the family and it doesn’t fall to either of you to be ‘default parent’.

It is really tough with young children and neither DH or I enjoyed it much .
Things got much better as they grew older And we now both enjoy being parents very much.

Is he being expected to have whole weekdays of childcare as well as weekends? If he hates it - could he take on more work or pay for more days at nursery? Not everyone is well suited to long periods of time with preschoolers . The question is whether you can afford another solution.

This. He is selfish and lazy. He just wants someone else to do the boring or inconvenient bits because he can't be arsed.

If you want to be in an equal partnership, you need to look elsewhere because he won't change. This is not a man who wants to teach his dcs to swim or ride a bike or write their name. He wants to do what HE wants, and sod everyone else.

You could suggest he pay for a nanny to cover his "shift".

You have three children.

More info:

He doesn't do any paid work, he is investing in various projects which have bigger longer term pay offs so obviously these take up head space and he does have to go meetings
He worked extremely hard for a decade building his business and is fortunate to have got a really good pay out - the early years he did travel a lot and so i was alone a lot, which was obviously hard but i got on with it, and whilst he worked from home due to pandemic it was me doing all household stuff and he wasnt very present
He is AuADHD
I work 3 days a week whilst the kids are in nursery and am also still studying / training
We share drop offs
I have my youngest for 1 full day a week - who still naps so often have to be in two places at once
DH takes the eldest for an activity once a week
Then 1 day a week we have a day all together where do an activity which DH seems openly hate
He goes to gym 4 times a week and goes to therapy weekly
I work out 1-2 times a week
I do the bulk of cooking, cleaning, school admin, laundry, shopping, anything kids need, planning for holidays, and also help DH with some of his projects
We have a cleaner

He recently announced that once our youngest is at school he would be going to a uni full time about 2 hours away to do a 5 year course, without any real consideration for the impact - i want to support him but this feels like too much without relocating. I found this very destabilsing

Right now I am thinking of hiring a full time nanny, possibly live in because i dont really think i can deal with him being a miserable man child because he has to do a few hours childcare a week or be involved in child-led activities

They arent feral with me really
He lets them run riot

He doesn’t work apart from a few meetings and planning (unpaid, future investment).

You work (employed, paid) three days a week.
For your work days, you arrange outside childcare.
You do the bulk of the work of running a home and family.

He has ample leisure and alone time
The solo childcare he does amounts to one day with one child where the child does an activity and presumably nursery pick ups and drop offs on the days you’re working.

You are carrying him entirely.

Oh and the childcare he does amounts to malicious compliance - “lets them run riot”.

What does he bring to the table exactly?

Did he do 50/50 before children? Did you discuss how you planned to parent before you had kids? What are his parents like in respect of parenting?
And lastly my late DH was useless with little kids, he also had autism and adhd. He really didn't have a clue, but improved when they were able to converse properly and they all had shared interests. You say he has therapy once a week, what exactly is that for?

Also worth noting I work out the house and have clients and a client facing space to maintain

The requirements of DH are:

• picking up the eldest and doing an activity for an hour
• accompanying us swimming one morning as i cannot have two kids in the water by myself as neither can swim
• occaisional few hours here and there if i have to work overtime

He's already told you he's out to a 5 year program 2 hours away when your youngest is in school so get your ducks in order now. That's effectively giving you notice he'll be moving out. See a lawyer to see what your rights are and what you'll be entitled to if you divorce. Do not quit your job, you're going to need to be self supporting. Hire the nanny. He's not just disinterested in being a parent, he's got plans to leave it all to you that he's told you about.

You have a huge DH problem

Does he present any of these problems at therapy?

What is he like with you outside of the children? Do you have child-free time together (even at home)?