Husband says he doesn't want to parent

[Youlookgorge]

Long story short - two kids under 5
Workaholic husband, sold part of business, lots of free time in last year, changing his career to be something he enjoys and is flexible
I retrain and get back to work - fitting everything around family and kids - now i am up and running with new career and spending more time out the house
Husband taking on more of a role with cooking, pick ups / drop offs, but still most house keeping and planning falls to me
He has been extremely negative about the kids, he isn't really coping when he has both of them in the house by himself and the weather doesnt help
It seems even though he has free time he doesnt want to spend it with them
He seems to resent me going back to work and its causing a lot of problems
He seems depressed
We have no family support but do have some paid support and kids in nursery 3 days a week plus they have activites on other days
The kids are also feral right now which i am guessing is normal for this age
We arent really coping and i dont really know what to do about it - on paper we have everything
Its made me really sad to know he doesn't enjoy being a parent or want to spend this time with them before they start school and its increasingly hard to do the job i have trained for because i know it puts pressure on him

Agreed. As I said upthread it’s funny how ND women rarely completely step back from parenting. At least not to the same extent as these men.

In neither case was the Dad able to fundamentally change, it would have been better for both families if the ASD was known about before kids and they'd been able to come to terms with the fathers not being able to parent in the expected way and accept more radical 'solutions

What would this look like if they had known before kids that the father was supposedly “not able” to parent? Surely the only advice if they find this out should be not to have kids with them!

I feel a woman in a similar position would be advised not to have children if she couldn’t “do motherhood”, whereas with men putting all childcare onto the mother is normalised even when she’s not a SAHM.

Even if the mothers did “come to terms” with how their ND partners are like before having kids - how would that have helped the children? “Don’t worry Susie we knew your Dad was going to useless before we had you”

PSA: Not everyone should be having kids, it’s not compulsory. So if you know you can’t be an active, present and engaged parent, please don’t have them. Unfortunately not everyone is very self-aware or honest with themselves so people would do well to also take a hard look at the person they intend to procreate with. And if you figure out before kids that they can’t parent, they are not the one to have a child with. It’s not something you should have to accept.

And if you do have one and then you realise that you and or your partner can’t cope, please don’t go onto have more.

it appears you still care for him a greta deal and want to find a solution that works for both of you, and that’s an amazing starting point.

He does need to step up and take his share of the parenting/home engineering, that’s a given, but I confess I do have some sympathy for husbands in this scenario. I know it’s not a particularly popular opinion but even in 2026 society continues to put pressure on men to demonstrate their love and commitment to their families by bringing in a good wage, even if that means spending time working whilst somebody else (let’s face it, Mum) is providing the nurturing. Most decent men recognise that this is a relic of a previous age but that doesn’t make it any less hard when opportunities such as higher education need to be passed up. I think most of us would agree that it’s taken women long enough to be able to have full and fulfilling careers, and you obviously enjoy yours, but that doesn’t by default mean that men won’t feel the same anger and frustration that women have felt for centuries when home and family life prevents them from being able to capitalise on their own opportunities and successes, especially when role-models in previous generations would either have done so or would have relished the opportunity.

It’s 2026, hes wrong, and he needs to step up, but the name-calling and suggestions that he’s a dyed-in-the-wool chauvinist etc. strike me as pretty unfair. There is still a whole society out there telling men they should do better, do more etc. and that’s what we need to be fighting against, not the men who haven’t learned to navigate the conflicting demands of a society that is superficially modern but retains many of the norms of previous generations, and indeed the unfair accusations of women who (not here obviously but sadly all too common) expect to be provided for, nurtured and supported in their own dreams and aspirations but aren’t willing to recognise that modern life requires two parents working full-time to be in with any real chance.. That last bit was obviously a rant and not related to the OPs situation.

Parenting small children is hard for everyone, but people just get on with it. This reminds me of my friend from work who’s 9 months pregnant and she always has to wash the dishes after SHE made dinner “because he doesn’t like washing up” (they both work full time). Then she says to the rest of us “oh I envy you boyfriends that like to wash up, mine doesn’t so I have to do it”. Nobody enjoys washing up. My husband sure doesn’t, but he does it every night while I put our son to sleep. If you enable bad behaviour from the start the problem will only grow

Not sure why this js your problem to solve. That's yet another job for you.

You give the kids good times when they are with you, hire help (and charge him for it because you're physically doing your share) and accept that he would be the same with them with or without a relationship with you.

He's effectively living as a single man with the benefits of a wife. And probably wonders/whines whyyyyyy doesn't my wife want sexxxxx with meeeee.

Yet more proof that some men think childrearing is womens work and beneath them but can't actually do it themselves.

@Youlookgorge

I’ve only read this far, I’ll be honest, but I do want to echo this.

He didn’t discuss it with you, he told you. Obviously the AuDHD will mean he’s probably prone to hot ideas that he doesn’t really follow through with.

Sitting him down and having a serious ‘where do we see this family going, how do we get there’ conversation may helpful, but it doesn’t sound like you’re a team.

Adjust what you can for your own sanity.

But I’d certainty be considering ALL my options.

This.

@Youlookgorge sending you love & support while you try to figure this out!!! Well done for toughing it out through the comments section, it's brutal, but in fairness it does cover more or less the whole range. Only you know whether it's possible to pick a path through it as a couple, or whether separating is likely to be the best option for you & DC.

The sympathy I have for your DH circumstances:
• parenting under 5s is repetitive and relentless and dull
• as an ND adult, this is likely to drag your mental wellbeing down harder and faster than an NT parent doing the same relentless parenting work
• as a founder who has cashed in, there is a parallel and well-documented issue around the 'what do I do now/how do I find my way/my value in life' which also really weighs on mental wellbeing

The reality checks:
• if you don't engage with the hourly requirements of DC, regardless of how unrewarding it is, you are either neglecting their development or wellbeing, or storing up trouble for poorly adjusted children at a later age (or both!)
• housework and feeding a family of 4 is also unrewarding, but there is a minimum acceptable threshold to remain hygienic and with enough nutrients in you all to function effectively and fend off illness as each round of nursery lurgy inevitably arrives
• finding your 'why' will be a key motivator for the next phase of your life - it sounds like he has some well-developed thoughts on this....other than that he's treated it as a him project, not a household/family project.

If your overwhelming sense at the moment is that you love each other enormously and you want to continue building your future together, I'm sure you can find more positive steps to make this path work for you.

If your sense is that he's checked out & it's irretrievable, figure out your exit route now. I would suggest that positioning his (business) exit fund as a pot in 3 parts would be a good idea - one third for each of his dependents. That's him, and each DC for the next 25 years. You are going out to work & supporting yourself (as well as doing the lion's share of the household support) and are not a dependent. But in the event of a divorce, sod 50:50 - he's got 2 children to support, so he can carve up his sellout from business 1 three ways and use his third to fund uni/whatever comes next. If he's checking out of all meaningful involvement, the kids should have their 1/3 lump each now to cover the rest of their upbringing. At that point get the nanny, and put all your effort into a stable household that DC can thrive in, around whatever hours DH decides he is actually prepared to engage each month.

If you can carry on together, I would suggest positioning that list of reality checks above as projects to solve - try to draw his ND focus onto the project of 'our children' and 'our functional living arrangements' - what do they need in their daily upbringing to thrive at each age?' What do you have to cover that is non-negotiable to function as a household? How can he navigate his next career steps without it being a net drain on the 3 other people he should care most about in his life.

If you want to go this path, couples therapy would be well worthwhile, particularly if you've never done any before. If you can find someone that is used to working with ND partnerships even better, bonus points if they've helped founder/exiters over their 'what next' hurdle before. If you go to someone vanilla, with no experience of these conditions or circumstances, you risk getting advice that is as generic or NT focused as some of the comments on here.

Only you know whether your foundation with DH is strong enough to fight for a future together, and how hard it will be to engage him to think about 4 of you in his daily & long-term decision making, rather than just himself.

We've made it work in our house because our love for each other is enormous AND I wanted to put our DC at the centre of all our decision making. But as the ND one, I nearly sank by the time the second one was 5 years old in the process...

Good luck, whichever path you end up on

PSA: Not everyone should be having kids, it’s not compulsory. So if you know you can’t be an active, present and engaged parent, please don’t have them. Unfortunately not everyone is very self-aware or honest with themselves so people would do well to also take a hard look at the person they intend to procreate with. And if you figure out before kids that they can’t parent, they are not the one to have a child with. It’s not something you should have to accept.
And if you do have one and then you realise that you and or your partner can’t cope, please don’t go onto have more.

This ^ x 1000. I've been on MN for nearly 20 years and some things just never seem to change, women putting up with shitty men with various issues just because they want children, men seemingly not giving a shit about their children and walking away from them without a second thought. Women need to realise that if a man is a 'difficult' or 'infuriating' partner, he will be an appalling father.

The one good thing is that it makes me realise that my DH is a good decent man, he may drive me mad at times but he wouldn't dream of behaving like some of the men that I read about on here.

I also see the birth rate drop as a good thing if it means that women are finally waking up to just how crap some men are.

This ^ x 1000. I've been on MN for nearly 20 years and some things just never seem to change, women putting up with shitty men with various issues just because they want children, men seemingly not giving a shit about their children and walking away from them without a second thought. Women need to realise that if a man is a 'difficult' or 'infuriating' partner, he will be an appalling father

I know it’s dismal on here sometimes reading about what some women are tolerating from men even before kids. Nice to hear you have one of the good ones! @Sweetpeasaremadeforbees

yeah, I too am glad the birth rate is falling if it means that at least some people are being a bit more thoughtful about it.

Anecdotally - I’m late 30s - and know a fair few women 30+ who’ve decided not to have kids yet be it now or ever, as it’s not suitable for them/their partner. However, I can’t think of any straight men who have even so much as considered the idea of not having kids. Go figure eh

yes 2 kids under 5 is hard - it is what it is. But these are both your children. If he is depressed he should go to counselling / doctors and get it sorted. The kids will get older and things will get easier over time. But he has responsibilities as a dad and partner - stop excusing him. My ex was like this. He couldnt cope with anything. In the end I got my mum to come over to support him whilst I worked. When my mum arrived he just disappeared and left her to it. Its just irresponsible selfish behaviour IMO. Do not give up on your career. Ether he goes to work to be the breadwinner and the kids go into more childcare to pay those bills or he steps up.

A wise woman once said 'not every man can be a good father'. Not every man wants to be a father but they tell you otherwise. Further down the line they make life hell and then they make excuses for being selfish. My ex was just like that so I know it's true.

You both sound like you've got more money than sense... considering hiring a full time Nanny - when your DH is at home but just cant be fucked to parent? What would you do if you had a normal household income? DH would just have to get on with working full time and juggling kids, work and life.

I dont think I could live with a man who had checked out to this extent.

Also if theyre feral and run riot - thats probably because they've been allowed to be that way? He obviously doesnt sound engaged- so he probably cannot be bothered to create boundaries and use teachable moments with consequences... too much like hard work by the sounds of it.

This

3 days in nursery so only 2 days parenting? Yes they're hard work at that age but you look back and cherish the madness. It's a shame it's not in priorities of preferences but he needs to step up. Xx

Just found your post, and found some of it really quite concerning. Especially the comment DH made shaming your son whilst changing his nappy. That's awful, your poor little boy.

He doesn't enjoy spending time with your DCs, in fact seems to actively avoid it, and probably doesn't do a good job of hiding his resentment when he's actually doing something with them.
Your DC are very young, they won't really understand what's going on, but they will pick on an atmosphere.

And of course you were unsupportive when he shared his intention to do a 5 year Uni course away from home! What did he expect?!! How would he have reacted if you had said that to him?(obviously you never would).

I think hiring a nanny is an excellent plan. And I would be encouraging him to start his Uni course ASAP. I think you and the DCs would be much better off without him around.

Good luck OP.

Just read your updates - he doesn't currently work, goes to the gym 4 times a week and you have a cleaner? Jesus wept. His life sounds heavenly - he just needs to suck it up!