Husband says he doesn't want to parent

[Youlookgorge]

Long story short - two kids under 5
Workaholic husband, sold part of business, lots of free time in last year, changing his career to be something he enjoys and is flexible
I retrain and get back to work - fitting everything around family and kids - now i am up and running with new career and spending more time out the house
Husband taking on more of a role with cooking, pick ups / drop offs, but still most house keeping and planning falls to me
He has been extremely negative about the kids, he isn't really coping when he has both of them in the house by himself and the weather doesnt help
It seems even though he has free time he doesnt want to spend it with them
He seems to resent me going back to work and its causing a lot of problems
He seems depressed
We have no family support but do have some paid support and kids in nursery 3 days a week plus they have activites on other days
The kids are also feral right now which i am guessing is normal for this age
We arent really coping and i dont really know what to do about it - on paper we have everything
Its made me really sad to know he doesn't enjoy being a parent or want to spend this time with them before they start school and its increasingly hard to do the job i have trained for because i know it puts pressure on him

No it's not normal for kids to be feral.

Given OP's DH is ND it's quite possible the DC are too, and trust me this can very much come across as feral. Especially if needs are not being met. My DC could be EXTREMELY loud and hyper, never sit still and hectic at home.

Now sure why a parent would be shaming a small child whilst changing a nappy, and i absolutely don’t want to know what he said but your child is a small vulnerable being that he helped create…… it doesn’t sound like he should be involved in their general or intimate care and I would definitely if you can afford it replace him with someone qualified and dbs checked.
I fact I think you and your children would probably benefit more from him not being involved.

I took it as though op, and her dh are at work on those 3 days?

Sorry OP but I can't see that he is actually doing anything with his day? Maybe that is why he is "depressed" as he has no purpose!

Exactly what I was going to say. How did I guess that he was going to be ND 🙄

He has put you on notice. He has no plans to continue with family life.

Well he already does no parenting so it won't be much different if he goes off and does his course. Does he realize how little he already does and what a poor example of a father he currently is? It is pretty sad, but he just isn't interested in his children.

Not everyone is a natural parent but he needs to learn how to.
They run riot with him because they spot a weakness! Kids are canny.

He has to step up, he has no choice really, these are his kids too. He's not working, you are. Him going to uni is fine, but not if it takes away his time at home again and leaves everything to you.

What a failure of a man. Have you explained to him that he is really trying to opt out adulthood? That is how I see it.
I became the SAHP because I could not get a suitable job and wife retrained. If I could do it and make it work anyone can.

Repeat after me. Children are not the mother’s sole responsibility.

Tell him you don't want to parent either and tell him to call social services. He is getting away with it cause you let him.

If I were you I'd ask myself two questions.

1. Do I want to be married to him? (Without casting judgement, I wouldn't want to be married to him.)

2. Would I be happier without him?

If you do want to stay married, you could make it a condition that HE pays for the nanny / childcare / household help that will make life easier for you and nicer for your children. You could force him into doing more, but if he's horrible to your kids...

Honestly, the more stories I read like this, and the longer I live in my similarly unfair reality, I stronger I feel that young women should just stay away from men until they they’ve been taught how to actually meaningfully participate in family life. OP I just would just make the stand, make it now, and tell him you’re not prepared to be the default parent. If that’s what he wants then you will happily seperate and then you can both have dedicated time to yourself. It’s just shit. My husband has autism and is also hyper-focused on work. It means I don’t have a life - I work, look after the house / children / admin but have nothing left to look after me. It’s just useless in a relationship in 2026 when both parents work and the world around us is bonkers and so involved.

My ex was a workaholic who didn't enjoy parenting either.
I left him.
He is now an excellent parent.
It's amazing what men do and enjoy when you're not facilitating or making excuses for them.

What is he actually contributing to your life?

Has he thought about how he’d cope with the kids alone if you left him for being so incredibly selfish?

From what you say, he sounds incapable of parenting the children adequately when left alone with them. It seems to me that trying to insist that he does so is not the way forward, and it maybe helpful if you accept that it will be damaging to your children if you leave them in his care for long periods at this time in their life. Therefore the options are for you to care for them, or for you to share the care with a nanny. It may not feel right or just, but sometimes we just have to accept situations. I’m not suggesting he isn’t a good husband. I think there are plenty of mothers who have accepted that their partner can’t parent young children. (Maybe some fathers have accepted this too).

Op, start detaching from this selfish loser.
Get as much paid care in place as possible and get every single qualification that you can.

You need to see this period as a holding position to get the children to school going age.
Let him pay for the best care for them.
Don't argue about it, just do it.
Keep careful notes, a journal, going forward, and get legal advice, so that when he does abandon you and the children for university you can get every penny you can for them.

You will be wasting time arguing or trying to change him.
Men like this make shit husbands and fathers.
Accept it and make provisions for how you move forward in the best position possible.

But he already never has them for long periods.

Pack a bag and disappear for a few days and tell none of them

Is there actually any discussion happening about getting pregnant or is having children some kind of default. Seems a lot of men have kids they don't actually want.
This is possibly why it falls to the female. When they are pregnant they have a choice if they want to be a parent or not but men no longer have a say

Ok so my plan is to hire a full time nanny - possibly even someone to live in - I have already put up an advert. They can come with me swimming and takeover one of their activities in the week, and help with drop off and pick ups.

As for our relationship, not really sure where it leaves us. Its a massive massive ick when someone doesnt want parent

In meantime i will endeavour to give them double helpings of my love

Full time nanny os a good idea short term.

It sounds like theres a lot of cash sloshing about right now.

Go see and decent divorce lawyer and get the lay of the land... ideally Id want to get myself and the kids away from him before all the cash is tied up and hidden in businesses.

He can pop in once a fortnight for a few hours. In reality it wont make much of a difference to the kids lives (if anything it might be positive given his verbal abuse) and yours will be a lot easier.

Your children once old enough will realise that their Father doesn’t really want them around or care for them, that will leave some sort of lasting consequences I imagine especially if he stays living within the house.

Some people just cant do it. It's as simple as that.

That would be me. So guess what. I didn't have them