Page 3 | Husband says he doesn't want to parent

Viviennemary · 18/01/2026 12:59

Dealing with small children isn't everyone's favourite thing to do especially on top of a busy stressful job. But they're there and one person just cant just opt out completely.

Grammarninja · 18/01/2026 12:59

Playing with and minding small children is hard, mind-numbing work. I can't count the amount of times I've heard that men are just not that suited to it. Who is?!!! 5 minutes of playing play doh feels like an hour to me as does playing 'doctors', 'supermarket' etc. But it has to be done, and done enthusiastically.
Why can't men be bored too? Why can't men just put their heads down and get on with what has to be done?

bombastix · 18/01/2026 13:04

Well you get a neurodiversity diagnosis and then a free pass. I find the number of these men who suddenly develop these challenges after having children fairly suspect. They make their wives and children’s lives quite unpleasant

EmeraldShamrock000 · 18/01/2026 13:06

He needs to step up though of both of you are working hard to lift businesses up then I would invest in a childminder with some household duties for 2 days at home.

Chasbots · 18/01/2026 13:09

Again, reading about women and adhd, they tend to double down on the shame and work even harder, often resulting in complete burnout.

You sound like you adore your DC and the joys of ND traits are many, strong-willed and emotional are a good combo!

I would buy in all the help, plan around him and plan for without him too. You can't make someone not be shit, but working to his strengths (whatever they are) is about the best you can do.

Livpool · 18/01/2026 13:18

So he is leaving you all in 2 years?! I’d be glad to get rid of him.

You excuse him a lot OP - he is a SAHP, who does barely any parenting! He is a selfish bastard and won’t change

19lottie82 · 18/01/2026 13:27

What would his plan be if you were not around to raise the children? Either temporarily or permanently.

StMarie4me · 18/01/2026 13:33

I had three under 8 as a lone parent. They were never feral. Those children need proper parenting and quick. He’s very lazy and selfish, and has no respect for anyone

Frugalgal · 18/01/2026 13:39

Youlookgorge · 18/01/2026 09:32

Long story short - two kids under 5
Workaholic husband, sold part of business, lots of free time in last year, changing his career to be something he enjoys and is flexible
I retrain and get back to work - fitting everything around family and kids - now i am up and running with new career and spending more time out the house
Husband taking on more of a role with cooking, pick ups / drop offs, but still most house keeping and planning falls to me
He has been extremely negative about the kids, he isn't really coping when he has both of them in the house by himself and the weather doesnt help
It seems even though he has free time he doesnt want to spend it with them
He seems to resent me going back to work and its causing a lot of problems
He seems depressed
We have no family support but do have some paid support and kids in nursery 3 days a week plus they have activites on other days
The kids are also feral right now which i am guessing is normal for this age
We arent really coping and i dont really know what to do about it - on paper we have everything
Its made me really sad to know he doesn't enjoy being a parent or want to spend this time with them before they start school and its increasingly hard to do the job i have trained for because i know it puts pressure on him

You need to start setting yourself up for single parenthood. If he moves two hours away for uni he's never coming back.

You need a brilliant full time nanny , paid for by him. There's no point forcing him to do activities he hates
To be fair, there can't be many worse things than taking two kids to the swimming baths full of screaming with the screams bouncing off the walls, for a person with ASD.

He's not cut out for childcare especially with toddlers and nothing on earth is going to change this. He might be able to form better relationships with them when they are older, but it's not in their interest to have him hands on, hating every moment and shaming/being nasty to them. It will damage them.

Work out what is necessary to support your career, and maximise your kids' welfare and make him pay for it. In your shoes I would want some sort of fund set aside to pay for childcare into the future.

Original poster

Youlookgorge · 18/01/2026 13:41

Livpool · 18/01/2026 13:18

So he is leaving you all in 2 years?! I’d be glad to get rid of him.

You excuse him a lot OP - he is a SAHP, who does barely any parenting! He is a selfish bastard and won’t change

He isn't a stay at home dad, he works but for himself and at home, so its flexible

OP posts:

IwannaspendchristmasontheM5 · 18/01/2026 13:41

You are in effect a single parent.
Shut the door on the way out Joe and don't worry, CMS will be in touch with you.

JenniferBooth · 18/01/2026 13:42

He lets them run riot? Has anyone said anything to him when hes out with the kids. I certainly do when i come across a parent like this who lets their kids run around a coffee shop. How would he react if it was a stranger pointing this out to him

CircusMonkey431 · 18/01/2026 13:44

Not only is he a shit dad and DH NOW, he's planning on leaving you in the future too! This man does not put his family or marriage first. Divorce and get a nanny.

Stompythedinosaur · 18/01/2026 13:45

What a baby.

I can't say I adored every moment of parenting at that age either, I just recognised that I still have a responsibility to do my share.

If he is happy for you to do twice as much work so he can do less, he isn't a loving partner.

If he's struggling with his bond with your dc, he needs to step up and spend more time with them.

Rosealea · 18/01/2026 13:48

Why are you children feral as you put it? That's not normal at any age. They most definitely should be having fun but they should also know how to behave.

Stoufer · 18/01/2026 13:49

@Youlookgorge
What is the 5 year uni course he is planning on doing? Is it medicine, architecture, psychology? If medicine, it is very full on, and he could end up with placements a very long way away from the family home - would you all uproot for that? If architecture, it is very full on, and he will end up with a huge loan, absolutely diabolical work-life balance, and a paltry salary afterwards. If psychology, I understand that employment prospects may be difficult…

Re-training for 5 years, incurring a huge loan, and either commuting for hours or living away from home seems incredibly self-indulgent, and not rooted in reality - the reality of having a young family.

InterestedDad37 · 18/01/2026 13:51

Tell him to step up or piss off!
He doesn't want to do it, is trying to get you to do it all, and is busy finding ways to make it impossible for him to do it.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 18/01/2026 13:55

Did you know he had two disabilities effecting executive function, planning, life admin, organisation, procrastination, socialising, flexibility etc before you married and had kids? If he has autism and ADHD then these will affect his ability to parent, to stay on top of housework, to engage in less motivating tasks etc. I’m not giving him an excuse, but the reality of living with a disabled partner is there will be some things they can’t do as easily as somebody who is not disabled. Is he medicated for his ADHD?

Megifer · 18/01/2026 14:01

Uni?! 😂😂😂 how did you keep a straight face? Id have assumed my DP was joking in your situation.

What is the point of him exactly? Apart from just draining everyone around him.

Sorry I know thats not useful.

MinecraftMum40 · 18/01/2026 14:03

toomuchfaff · 18/01/2026 09:47

You're already coming up with all the excuses to give him the get out

He seems depressed, he seems...

Wonder would you get the same consideration if you were struggling? You are struggling but his answer is to throw his toys out the pram and you do it all.

Hes being a manchild whos always got his own way and been able to let you be the parent.

Exactly, he’s not depressed he’s having a childish strop because he doesn’t want to parent. He needs to grow up. Please don’t allow him to do this.

Thistooshallpsss · 18/01/2026 14:05

When are your young children going to get engaged interested enthusiastic parenting? They deserve so much more. The attitude to looking after young children on this board is so poor. Watch and help them learn and grow notice all the skills they are learning instead of seeing them as mind numbingly boring and find someone poorly paid to replace you.

Kalanthe · 18/01/2026 14:07

Typical man behaviour. Most men would weasel out of housework and childcare if they only could. You deserve to have a life and a career too. Imagine you give up everything because poor guy can’t cope with home responsibilities, and he leaves you for a younger woman in 10 years. You will be left with a huge gap in hour CV and very low chances of meaningful employment. He wanted these children and contributed to their creation. You didn’t force him with a gun to his head. He wanted this and now he needs to take responsibility for the less pleasant elements of parenthood too

Octavia64 · 18/01/2026 14:12

If he has sold a business presumably there is some money around.

i’d suggest to him that as he doesn’t seem to like spending time with the children he pays for a nanny.

to be fair when I had twins I got them in at Childminder from nine months one day a week just so I could sleep! But it sounds like he already has three days out of seven away from them.

Morepositivemum · 18/01/2026 14:12

Op there could be a middle ground here, has he lots more free time or just more free time compared to when he was a workaholic? Pick ups and drop offs etc aren’t nothing, when you haven’t done them it’s hard to get into. Also you say the kids run riot with him, my dh says that about me when actually our kids are chaotic and I’ve seen them as bad with him.

I think you both think the other has it easier and need to start getting your bitterness out before you’re broken up.