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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband says he doesn't want to parent

216 replies

Youlookgorge · 18/01/2026 09:32

Long story short - two kids under 5
Workaholic husband, sold part of business, lots of free time in last year, changing his career to be something he enjoys and is flexible
I retrain and get back to work - fitting everything around family and kids - now i am up and running with new career and spending more time out the house
Husband taking on more of a role with cooking, pick ups / drop offs, but still most house keeping and planning falls to me
He has been extremely negative about the kids, he isn't really coping when he has both of them in the house by himself and the weather doesnt help
It seems even though he has free time he doesnt want to spend it with them
He seems to resent me going back to work and its causing a lot of problems
He seems depressed
We have no family support but do have some paid support and kids in nursery 3 days a week plus they have activites on other days
The kids are also feral right now which i am guessing is normal for this age
We arent really coping and i dont really know what to do about it - on paper we have everything
Its made me really sad to know he doesn't enjoy being a parent or want to spend this time with them before they start school and its increasingly hard to do the job i have trained for because i know it puts pressure on him

OP posts:
caringcarer · 19/01/2026 18:29

The time to say you don't want to parent is before you get someone pregnant.

Tuesdayschild50 · 19/01/2026 18:36

Tough on him he is a parent a father who wanted children it's not forever they grow up in a flash .
Tell him to get a grip or does he want the kids to remember his negative ways.
Women get depressed too but we have to find a way through the younger years it is isolating but we have to do ot as parents.
Wind me up men .

GoldenRosebee · 19/01/2026 18:40

Youlookgorge · 18/01/2026 11:24

More info:

He doesn't do any paid work, he is investing in various projects which have bigger longer term pay offs so obviously these take up head space and he does have to go meetings
He worked extremely hard for a decade building his business and is fortunate to have got a really good pay out - the early years he did travel a lot and so i was alone a lot, which was obviously hard but i got on with it, and whilst he worked from home due to pandemic it was me doing all household stuff and he wasnt very present
He is AuADHD
I work 3 days a week whilst the kids are in nursery and am also still studying / training
We share drop offs
I have my youngest for 1 full day a week - who still naps so often have to be in two places at once
DH takes the eldest for an activity once a week
Then 1 day a week we have a day all together where do an activity which DH seems openly hate
He goes to gym 4 times a week and goes to therapy weekly
I work out 1-2 times a week
I do the bulk of cooking, cleaning, school admin, laundry, shopping, anything kids need, planning for holidays, and also help DH with some of his projects
We have a cleaner

He recently announced that once our youngest is at school he would be going to a uni full time about 2 hours away to do a 5 year course, without any real consideration for the impact - i want to support him but this feels like too much without relocating. I found this very destabilsing

Right now I am thinking of hiring a full time nanny, possibly live in because i dont really think i can deal with him being a miserable man child because he has to do a few hours childcare a week or be involved in child-led activities

ask your husband to speak to his therapist personally and tell him/her what you said here. Or go to couple therapy together, but I doubt you have time.

Cornflakes44 · 19/01/2026 19:13

Youlookgorge · 18/01/2026 14:51

Ok so my plan is to hire a full time nanny - possibly even someone to live in - I have already put up an advert. They can come with me swimming and takeover one of their activities in the week, and help with drop off and pick ups.

As for our relationship, not really sure where it leaves us. Its a massive massive ick when someone doesnt want parent

In meantime i will endeavour to give them double helpings of my love

So the nanny is basically a stand in father while he just faffs about on whatever project he fancies. Honestly this is not a functioning way to live and send a very weird message to your kids that you can stamp your feet and revert to being a spoilt teenager without responsibilities. I think you should divorce, get maintenance to pay for childcare and move on with your life without this dead weight.

Bonbon21 · 19/01/2026 19:24

In the best MN tradition you need to get your ducks in a row to offload the deadweight asap, certainly before he goes off to uni and creams off your finances ( poor student).
You can afford appropriate childcare while you advance your career and before your kids are damaged by their non-father.

K2054 · 19/01/2026 19:36

You are not being unreasonable BUT despite everything people are saying you said he seems depressed and also that he has autism as well as adhd. I'm wondering if he is suffering from depression maybe due to his change of circumstances, which although might have a good idea was still a big change and for an autistic person this can be very hard to deal with. He may also be finding the children very difficult from a sensory perspective as from what you say he was a workaholic so obviously didn't have as much contact and he's gone from that to having them on his own a lot more. None of this makes it acceptable for it all to fall on you, but if he's not coping maybe it's not simply out of laziness as people are suggesting. It's not usual for someone who's a workaholic to suddenly become someone lazy so I'm thinking there's more going on here.

I know it's hard particularly because it's not fair on you in any way, but perhaps talk to him about it when you are both away from your children and you can both discuss it without distraction calmly. Hopefully he will be more open with you about how he is feeling and any issues he is having and you can tell him the impact this is having on you too. You owe it to yourself to give yourself the opportunity to tell him what this is doing to you and you'll need to be in an environment where he can give you his full attention to do so. Being autistic he might not fully appreciate how you are feeling until you talk it all through. Good luck, I hope you sort it out.

Rainbowchicken · 19/01/2026 19:40

Not many people enjoy parenting under fives. You suck it up because they are your kids. If there are two of you then you share the work to make it easier for both of you. You don't get to opt out because it's hard, or boring. Of course lots of men do this but it isn't OK on any level. It's pathetic.

Caerulea · 19/01/2026 19:42

BinaryDot · 18/01/2026 15:11

When I read in your OP:

He has been extremely negative about the kids, he isn't really coping when he has both of them in the house by himself

I thought immediately of the two couples I've known where the husband responded in this way. Both turned out to have ASD, as yours does. In one case, the wife took on all the childcare, with family support, and the husband has a relationship with his late teen kids, but there's a distance (which he understands, he's a decent man in lots of ways).

In the other case, there was a divorce - later perhaps than it should have been - and a lot of fallout, including for the kids who have a very fractured relationship with their father.

In neither case was the Dad able to fundamentally change, it would have been better for both families if the ASD was known about before kids and they'd been able to come to terms with the fathers not being able to parent in the expected way and accept more radical 'solutions'.

Just two possibly unrepresentative anecdotes I realise.

No, don't blame ASD. My eldest is autistic (at the time of testing they were edging on aspergers) & he's a spectacular father to his son & a loving (if infuriating) partner & I'm incredibly proud of him!

We are so quick to use autism to excuse shitty male behaviour yet we never see 'Ahh bless her, she's really struggling to be a mother in any shape or form because of her autism'.

It's bullshit

soupyspoon · 19/01/2026 19:47

Well why is he infuriating? Thats nice for his partner.

Luckyingame · 19/01/2026 19:55

usedtobeaylis · 18/01/2026 18:01

He's not bringing anything to the table that you need to live in the same house for.

That's a very mature, realistic point of view.

Whettlettuce · 19/01/2026 19:55

You should divorce as soon as possible before he wastes all his money going to uni . His ND is a reason not an excuse, he could make an effort if he wanted. He's mentally exited the marriage and is biding his time . He is only thinking about himself

Monvelo · 19/01/2026 20:10

Specifically on the swimming, why don't you take them one at a time, one the first week, other the second. He can have one on one time with the other one.

pollyglot · 19/01/2026 20:14

TBH, from reading only the first post, neither of you sound particularly involved. Nothing about the kids except they're "feral". Maybe things improve down the line.

SemiRetiredLoveGoddeess · 19/01/2026 20:15

I think he really wants to go back to some kind of singoe life or early retirement type scenario.

He is not really interested in your kids by the sound of it.

Keep your job as l cant see the two of you lasting.

Sorry

Mapletree1985 · 19/01/2026 20:29

And people wonder why the birth rate is plummeting.

Neither of you seem to enjoy being with your kids or take any pleasure from them. Were your expectations different from the reality?

Hmmmnmmn · 19/01/2026 20:53

This does sound like it will get worse which is a shame. How long has he been helping with the drop offs etc? I remember finding it hard at first then one day it clicked and I got into my routine with them.

He may spend lots of money on uni course and maybe buy his own property closer to uni. So I would say if you are considering divorce do it now before he starts spending 🤑x

rockandscroll · 19/01/2026 21:00

Theeyeballsinthesky · 18/01/2026 12:40

Do NOT have another child with him!

I note the AuADHD and merely observe what many mothers who have AuADHD say on MN ie generally they find a way to manage and do not opt out of parenting

Edited
Show quote history

Yep, I'm auDHD, but female and a single working mum of littles, I have to work super hard and the juggle is real but I do my best just like most NT parents also do. so maybe he is ND but he still needs to parent. It's not a get-out clause for life or adulting* (sadly lol) wet nappies do not care about my neurodiverse condition they need changing regardless 🙃

*Usual caveat everyone with ND is different. but I'm just saying it's not an automatic "skip your go/miss a turn' on parent duties

Cup0flife · 19/01/2026 21:15

He says he does not want to parent

He does not want anything that he has now (escape to uni)

It sounds like he has checked out of this family life already

He has assumed that you will be the main parent, the main earner

I agree, get your ducks in a row & divorce

Abd80 · 19/01/2026 21:17

you have yourself a manchild. Tell him he needs to shape up or ship out.

Caerulea · 19/01/2026 21:29

soupyspoon · 19/01/2026 19:47

Well why is he infuriating? Thats nice for his partner.

Assuming that's aimed at me, I mean it affectionately in that he's daft as buggery sometimes. There's no meanness, or cruelty or thoughtlessness, just things that remind you he's wired differently.

YourLoyalPlumOP · 19/01/2026 21:55

2 kids under 6 for me was hard. Really hard. I. Top of that my youngest was chronically sick with a rare. Immune problem so I didn’t sleep on top of that!

but yeah. It’s hard work…..really hard work. Having kids and working is.

promise you it gets easier!!!

Laura95167 · 19/01/2026 23:06

... then he should have worn a condom. He cant sent them back so he should get on with it.

K2054 · 19/01/2026 23:41

Caerulea · 19/01/2026 19:42

No, don't blame ASD. My eldest is autistic (at the time of testing they were edging on aspergers) & he's a spectacular father to his son & a loving (if infuriating) partner & I'm incredibly proud of him!

We are so quick to use autism to excuse shitty male behaviour yet we never see 'Ahh bless her, she's really struggling to be a mother in any shape or form because of her autism'.

It's bullshit

Show quote history

My son and my brother are also autistic and my brother too is an amazing father. Autism affects different people differently. My brother and son are also on the aspergers side, but are both very different to one another. Specialists just don't call it aspergers now as they better understand autism is a spectrum.

However, OP says he seems depressed and obviously he was hard working before as she describes his previous workaholic state. I just think you can't rule out that certain things are triggering him and it is worth them discussing it. It's not an excuse for his behaviour but his autism could easily be part of what he is currently struggling with. There could be lots of reasons OP's husband is finding things difficult. The change from his workaholic lifestyle she mentions before for example. My son for one really struggles with change and it causes him so much upset and sometimes he finds himself unable to regulate his emotions without removing himself from the situation, albeit sometimes very briefly. You can't do that with small children and we don't know what OPs husband is struggling with.

I agree nobody should blame autism because it's part of who they are, but I also think you can't discount it as a possible contributing factor because your son (and my brother) have autism and are great fathers. It doesn't mean it doesn't cause severe difficulty in fatherhood for others. I know my son would find it extremely difficult. We don't know how OP's husband's autism affects him and I think it is better to be supportive as we don't have all the facts. I hope that OP can talk to her husband and make him understand how difficult this is for her and how much she is struggling herself. Hopefully he'll share what he's struggling with and realise how much this is putting pressure on her and they can work through it together. I think that's a better solution for them as a family, rather than judging his behaviour as bad without all the information.

Many autistic children are labelled bad because people don't understand their difficulties. A little autistic boy I met was so overwhelmed because of the noise and bustle of school dinnertime, he screwed himself into a little ball sobbing his heart out under the table. He was told to come out and that he was being naughty by a dinner lady, but he was incapable of coming out because he was paralysed with anxiety. I just think we need to be a bit more understanding as it's not always as simple as what you see.

MissDoubleU · 20/01/2026 00:30

I agree - at this stage - it would be healthier for them if he wasnt hands on with them

This is not in any way a healthy or normal thing to say about your husband. Girl wake the fuck up.

SpiritOfEcstasy · 20/01/2026 02:48

I had a very similar situation with my exH. He was lazy. He wanted a family and to be seen as a ‘family man’ but he wanted me to take full responsibility for the family. He didn’t work, we had plenty of money, but he didn’t want to spend time with our children and told me to hire a nanny if I wanted to work. I didn’t. I took a career break and divorced him. My DDs are fifteen and seventeen now and I long since accepted that he didn’t want to be a parent. He just wanted to look like one …

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