Husband says he doesn't want to parent

[Youlookgorge]

Long story short - two kids under 5
Workaholic husband, sold part of business, lots of free time in last year, changing his career to be something he enjoys and is flexible
I retrain and get back to work - fitting everything around family and kids - now i am up and running with new career and spending more time out the house
Husband taking on more of a role with cooking, pick ups / drop offs, but still most house keeping and planning falls to me
He has been extremely negative about the kids, he isn't really coping when he has both of them in the house by himself and the weather doesnt help
It seems even though he has free time he doesnt want to spend it with them
He seems to resent me going back to work and its causing a lot of problems
He seems depressed
We have no family support but do have some paid support and kids in nursery 3 days a week plus they have activites on other days
The kids are also feral right now which i am guessing is normal for this age
We arent really coping and i dont really know what to do about it - on paper we have everything
Its made me really sad to know he doesn't enjoy being a parent or want to spend this time with them before they start school and its increasingly hard to do the job i have trained for because i know it puts pressure on him

I think a nanny/childminder/ au pair sounds like a good idea (the expense /work needs to be shared obviously). Someone who is competent and suited to it. Just sounds like it would be better for the kids - he might be more suited to doing more of the cleaning instead...or maybe not.

I would hate group swimming lessons too, sorry, if it's noisy and crowded.

What is the point of him exactly? He’s planning to leave you and the kids to go and behave like a single student for 5 years not too long now and what 🤷‍♀️ there’s no way he’s driving 4 hours a day is there?!! He’s going to be living there and giving up on any parenting that he makes out he’s currently doing which frankly is nil anyway!

Did he actually want to have children? I assume so or you wouldn’t have two.

Regardless of whether he finds it depressing or not, he IS their parent and he needs to actually parent. He doesn’t get to abdicate all responsibility to you and disappear off to a uni course and come back in a few years.

He is being hugely unfair both to you and to your children, and I suspect his behaviour will do permanent damage to his relationship with all of you.

Edit: I’m not unsympathetic to his feelings. I’m ND and can’t stand the noise/mess/chaos/demands/tedium that is fundamental with small children. Which is why I didn’t have any.

A 5 year course 2 hours away?? He’s completely taking the piss with this proposal.

Do you want this marriage to continue? Because it doesn’t sound like he’s bothered at all.

As someone with ADHD, I can see his reasoning, novelty, etc. Done his job, now seeking novelty and new stuff and is resourced to do so.

However, that does not fit with having kids (are they adhd too, btw? Given feral comment and heritable characteristics) and the mundane work of caring for small childen is never going to be his priority...

Time to get your own therapist/coach/AI chatbot and work out if you want to continue to be the default parent and adult here?

He is always going to live in his head and not be very present.

He is unlikely to change.

My H was like this. He wanted kids but couldn't cope with the parenting. Think he was happy for some time as I did absolutely everything and he dipped in and out of the fun parts. In his defence he was/is working crazy hours and has a high stress job and I'm pretty sure he's autistic and he does genuinely struggle with his mental health. I thought I was doing the right thing by doing everything so he could carry on working and to take the stress off him a bit. Then after around 10 years he said he didn't feel like he was part of the family, felt lonely and left. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Maybe some people just aren't meant to be parents. I don't know. He loves DC but still has little contact with them. I stopped trying to force it and I'm focusing on my own relationship with them. I think he'll miss out in the future as DC and I have a wonderful relationship and we have such good times together, whereas H will probably have a more distant relationship (which mirrors his relationship with his dad, unsurprisingly).

No advice really but this is just what happened to us. Not sure if insisting he did the parenting would have made any difference really. He probably would have left sooner. 🫠 Hope you guys are able to have a conversation about it and find a solution that works for everyone. It is hard when the kids are young!

He was on the fence about kids - but didnt take much persuading

And definitely very keen to have another

He know he is quite a selfish person and moves from shiny new thing to shiny new thing

If he’s struggling with parenting, why isn’t he on here posting? Suggest it to him.

And/or he could pay for a nanny. If there’s a patch of parenting that you’re really shit at, and you have money, buy more support.

In the end, if the chips are really down and you don’t like what’s happening, cut your hours and blow up your career the way women have always had to do when men just won’t do an acceptable standard of parenting for the only children they, or you, will ever have.

Yes he talks about this in therapy

I think we are both quite exhausted. The flu really wiped both of us out at xmas. We have had a couple of meals out - the most recent one ended in an argument after he announced he was going to uni in a couple of years time

Yes its ludricrous but apparently i am unsupportive

He's AuDHD. He's not likely to change or get better, he likely can't in any significant way. So you'll have to spend the fancy money he's making on more childcare and home help.

I agree - at this stage - it would be healthier for them if he wasnt hands on with them

He was very shaming and mean to my son the other day when changing his nappy and i really didn't like it, i have expressed my unhappiness

What an awful sounding man. I agree with the poster who said he was planning to leave btw. Subconsciously people who are committed do not propose these kind of arrangements to be away from their wife and children.

Your posts about AuDHD as a factor are also frustrating. You seem to be giving this man a huge amount of latitude in consequence.

I predict by the time your children are adults they will have a very poor relationship with their father. He doesn’t sound bothered. The difficult bits about child rearing when young are fundamental to a good relationship and emotional security for them when they are older. He is shortchanging all of you. Are you going to let him use AuDHD to do it?

I'd divorce him before he wrecks your finances with his non-working and then university costs.

He's autistic and adhd. That doesn't 'deserve' latitude (lassitude?) but it explains a lot about why he's so selfish, rigid and limited. Neurodivergence in adults is complicated and often impacts the capacity to parent in fundamental ways. I don't know when this man was diagnosed and likely OP had kids with him before she understood his needs but they are what they are. Might as well expect pigs to fly as expect him to turn into a neurotypical man.

Divorce him. You don't have a partner

Yes this is a good sumising of the situation.

I think there is definitely a lot of neuro diversity in the household yes but nothing that phases me

The kids are gorgeous and amazing - both very strong willed and quite emotional

Yes to more therapy

And am full time nanny / house keeper - he can pay

Yep!

Then if he’s useless isn’t he? I mean he sounds useless.

This woman is better off getting a divorce rather than pretzel herself and her kids around this man. His neurological issues are presented as the reason he can’t do stuff. She should take him at his word, not spend her time managing him. She will get nothing but contempt in return

Do NOT have another child with him!

I note the AuADHD and merely observe what many mothers who have AuADHD say on MN ie generally they find a way to manage and do not opt out of parenting

In a way, you would think a man with these neurological challenges would, if he was committed to his family, go and find some way himself to address it. Instead he needs a university course miles away.

AuDHD does not mean stupid, does it? In fact he has arranged himself this nice life and is probably one of those awful men who will fight to retain the appearance of being an involved father if you ever did divorce him OP and his alleged diagnosis of AuDHD would be of minor relevance to contact.

I’d be considering your future carefully. What is best for you and the DC. From what you have said i would end it now.

He is completely focused on himself and is not going to change. This requires you to devote a lot of time and energy to his needs at the expense of the DC and your own. That’s not sustainable. The resentment will continue to build. Better to end it now before you hate him

I would think that his uni course is his escape plan. He can't stand the situation he's in and has found a way out. I'm not condoning his behaviour, but he doesn't seem to be able to deal with the here and now in any meaningful way other than legging it. It depends on whether you want to stay married. Having more paid childcare would make a big difference, it sorts of gets him out of having to do anything or make any meaningful change, it's whether you think it would be better, long term for you and your children to stay or not.

You're both past the point where parenting is optional really. The poor lamb.