Husband says he doesn't want to parent

[Youlookgorge]

Long story short - two kids under 5
Workaholic husband, sold part of business, lots of free time in last year, changing his career to be something he enjoys and is flexible
I retrain and get back to work - fitting everything around family and kids - now i am up and running with new career and spending more time out the house
Husband taking on more of a role with cooking, pick ups / drop offs, but still most house keeping and planning falls to me
He has been extremely negative about the kids, he isn't really coping when he has both of them in the house by himself and the weather doesnt help
It seems even though he has free time he doesnt want to spend it with them
He seems to resent me going back to work and its causing a lot of problems
He seems depressed
We have no family support but do have some paid support and kids in nursery 3 days a week plus they have activites on other days
The kids are also feral right now which i am guessing is normal for this age
We arent really coping and i dont really know what to do about it - on paper we have everything
Its made me really sad to know he doesn't enjoy being a parent or want to spend this time with them before they start school and its increasingly hard to do the job i have trained for because i know it puts pressure on him

People are pretty much mature at 25. If they aren’t, then stop hoping. It is beyond futile to imagine someone in their thirties with children will change. They won’t.

I’ll be honest: I don’t see the adjectives “strong willed and emotional” as “gorgeous and amazing” adjectives to describe kids. I’m neurodiverse as well and I imagine I’d find this bloody exhausting.

To be blunt. An awful lot of parenting young children is dull. Lots of people don't particularly enjoy it, male and female. He just has to suck it up. Enjoy the good bits. And know it gets significantly easier in a couple of years time.

Just saw the uni thing... That will only work as a family if you all move near to the university. That could actiually work quite well if he does school drop offs etc around the hours he has to be in lectures (which are rarely onerous (I am a lecturer)). If he's living out hours away from the family home you may as well split, he has no interest in being a husband or father.

I pretty much guarantee he will meet somebody else on that course with the same interests. That understands his need to just not be a dad. Basically while you become the boring old nag that forces him to be a father.
It’s a very old tale/script.
he is literally planning his escape

Totally agree with this: it’s a bit of a well-kept secret.

Yeah, most of us just crack on with it, don't we? This bloke won't.

Children do not enjoy running riot and being feral
They feel safer and more secure with firm, loving guidelines so they know how to behave. It’s easier to establish those guidelines early on and it’s imperative both parents are on the same page.
In the absence of an interested father, choose all your paid help with care and with that in mind, as it sounds like your DH is checking out and is letting them down. He just doesn’t care for being with them at this age and is also planning to leave you all soon.
At least you know that and can plan around it and be ready.
The more work put into early childhood parenting, the better it pays off later. So use as much carefully chosen, paid child care help now, while you still have him to pay. And continue to plan your career so that you are financially independent in the longer term.

Well of course! No (acceptable) option but!

He's not bringing anything to the table that you need to live in the same house for.

Think that is called weaponised non parenting. So you take it off him which by the sounds of it you are thinking of doing. He needs to understand he would be much worse off divorced. He pulls out his finger & partakes in family life or go your separate ways. Wonder if he has or orchestrated this not working move, so if you did divorce he is the stay at home parent you might have to pay for that.
I had a friend whose husband got her to sell their house & rent somewhere. He was having an affair but no house to split when they divorced.

In your title, OP, you state that DH has said that he doesn’t want to parent. How did that conversation go? Were those his actual words? Has he said he regrets having the kids? Or that he doesn’t like being a parent?

I found the pre-school age a bit unrelenting as a parent. Did not really enjoy it. I think I did a reasonable job, but I was definitely short with them sometimes and lacked energy and enthusiasm quite a lot. I don’t think that’s particularly unusual. Of course I actually did things with them, which seems like he isn’t. And I didn’t abdicate responsibility to my DH all the time without any thought to what he needed. But I would have way preferred someone else did most of it. I’m wondering if you’ve had a conversation with him where you point out he needs to suck it up to be a father they will love when they’re past the stage of seeing you two as their whole world. Have you talked at all about parenting as a project to build future adults? I don’t know that this will make a difference, especially given his plan to go to uni in a way that ignores you all. But it might be worth having that conversation if you haven’t already.

I dont understand whether people (mostly dads but some mums as well, that ive seen here) think that parents who go to baby groups/rhyme time/soft play/farms etc, or play tea parties/matching pairs are actively enjoying it themselves, every single time ....rather than realise theyre finding a way of entertaining a child and therefore they will (hopefully) be easier to manage.
DH often found DIY tasks or work to do at weekends that conveniently absolved him of doing a lot of the mundane things with toddlers. The idea that having children sometimes meant you couldn't do all the things you wanted seemed quite an alien concept!

Of course. Father does not wish to parent and it’s her fault for “shifting the dynamic” and expecting a father to PARENT HIS OWN KIDS.

The bar is in hell.

If he didn't want to parent he should have thought of that before he had kids, it's a bit late now! He needs to get his act together

Sounds like it'd make sense for him just to go back to work as full time as possible?? 80+ hours a week, or whatever he did before?

Then hire a nanny and keep the kids in daycare and you keep working?

He's not depressed. He's sulking.

Tell him you don't feel like bedroom duty any more, that his selfishness and attitude to the children is a massive turnoff, and you won't be doing housework either, because it isn't fulfilling for you. Tell him you expect him to pick up your slack.

Do not give up your career.
Do not let him get away with refusal to parent.

I agree with those posters who are saying he's actively looking for a way out of the entire marriage. He has completely checked out.

Hire the nanny.
Keep working.
Get divorced and do it soon.

Plan a future without him. He is definitely planning one without you or the children, and his full time student status will mean you might even end up supportinghim, or that he has no income on which to base child support payments.

I once met a guy who was 43 and had just started an undergrad degree. He worked part time in a bar. He said to me he usually dates “younger women”. I mean at 37 I was younger than him - but I assume he meant women younger than me.

He was trying to make me feel grateful for approaching me, but after further questioning I worked out the guy had no financial stability or any real career history AND he was living with his ex.

I essentially told him he would be a liability in my life and if I wanted to date a penniless student that couldn’t contribute, I too could date younger like he “normally does”

Honestly (some) modern men are the real golddiggers - they will drain you of your resources then walk away to “find themselves” with a younger woman. They don’t want to do the domestic work or be reliable providers. Pointless.

OP, you really need to start asking yourself what he brings to the table now and what he will bring to the table as a full time student for 5 years.

What are you or your kids getting emotionally from the relationship with him?

He was very shaming and mean to my son the other day when changing his nappy and i really didn't like it, i have expressed my unhappiness

Oh wow. So he is abusive to your baby too?

I think more info on this is needed really. Did he call the baby a stinker for example, because it was a poonami? Or what?

Are you having counselling?

It would be very useful

Omg it sounds like I wrote this thread!!

My partners' depression has only gotten worse with the more time he has free.

Don't leave your job, I know it's hard to maintain when you are practically doing it alone, but don't.

You are strong, and amazing! Keep going!

"Gosh darling, I'm not enjoying it either what with you being an arse and the kids being feral. Shall I call social services or will you?"

Honestly, I think he is leaving you and the DCs. The only positive is that you have some warning.

Also , are the DCs also feral at nursery? If not, I would recommend speaking to the nursery about routines and ideas you could try at home. They may be able to point you towards some parenting classes for you and your H. Every parent hits a point where they run out of ideas and energy...an outside perspective might help refocus you.